Cleaning Out Your Parents’ Home After Their Deaths

Many of you who follow my work are fellow Gen Xers.  This means that many of us are at the stage in life where we are faced with the inevitable loss of our parents.  It’s a painful & emotional process that often involves cleaning out their home.  This task is often much harder than expected, no matter the relationship with one’s parents.  Not only do many items hold sentimental value, but we also realize that we will never again receive any gifts from our parents.  Despite the complicated relationship we may have had with them, the process of letting go of their belongings can be overwhelming.  Today, I want to share the lessons I learned from my experience & offer tips for handling those complicated items.

In my experience, one crucial aspect of this journey is seeking guidance from God.  Turning to God & asking for His guidance absolutely will bring comfort & clarity in the midst of such an emotional process.  He helped me to figure out what to keep, what to sell, what to donate, & what to give to which family members.  That help was invaluable since I had absolutely no idea what to do with anything!

When we begin cleaning out our parents’ home, we are faced with a multitude of items that hold sentimental value.  Each object carries a memory, a story, & a connection to our parents.  It can be tempting to hold onto every item, fearing that letting go means losing them forever.  Or, if your relationship with your parents was toxic, it can be tempting to throw every single item in the trash.  However, as difficult as it may be, it’s important to find balance.

One approach I found helpful was to enjoy the special items rather than simply storing them away.  For example, if your parents had a collection of vintage records, take the time to listen to them & relish in the nostalgia they bring.  Displaying sentimental items, such as photographs or heirlooms, can also help create a space that honors their memory while keeping clutter at bay.  And, if you find certain items trigger painful memories, if those items still are useful, find them a home with someone who will use & enjoy them.  Again using the record collection as an example, if you know someone who shared your parents’ taste in music, give them the records.

Furthermore, if you find yourself unsure about whether to keep an item or not, it’s a good idea to hold onto it until you feel more clarity.  Grief is a complex process, & it takes time to sort through our emotions & make good decisions.  Trust your instincts & give yourself the time to heal before making final choices about what to keep & what to let go whenever you have doubts.

As we go through the process of cleaning out our parents’ home, it’s crucial to set reasonable limits.  After all, they are essential for maintaining a clutter free & anxiety free environment.  Ask yourself if each item will bring you joy or serve a practical purpose.  If the answer is no, consider donating or selling it, knowing that someone else may find value in it.

Remember, clutter can cause anxiety.  It’s important to honor our parents’ memory, but it’s equally important to create a home that reflects who we are & the life we want to live.

During this process, it’s normal to feel guilty or conflicted about letting go of certain items.  However, it’s essential to remind ourselves that the memory of our parents is not tied to physical possessions.  Letting go of material possessions can be a way of honoring them while creating our own path.

For those of us who have had a complicated relationship with our parents, cleaning out their home naturally stirs up a mix of emotions.  It’s important to acknowledge & process these feelings as we go through their belongings.  Pray & seek support from safe people who let you share your experiences & emotions.

Remember, this process is an opportunity to reflect on lessons learned, the growth achieved, & healing.  By approaching the task with wisdom & understanding, we can find peace & resolution.

Why There Need To Be Limits On Helping Other People

As Christians, we are called to help others in need.  Galatians 6:2 in the Good News Translation reminds to “Help carry one another’s burdens, & in this way, you will obey the law of Christ.”  This is a beautiful sentiment & one that is echoed throughout the Bible.  Helping others is essential to living a fulfilling & compassionate life.  But there is a balance that needs to be in place.  We must also remember that there are limits to how much we can help others, & we must be mindful of those limits to ensure that we are not enabling unhealthy behavior. 

Galatians 6:2 tells us to help carry one another’s burdens, as I just mentioned, but what exactly does that mean?  A burden is something heavy & difficult to carry, like a steamer trunk.  It’s something that someone cannot manage on their own, & they need help to carry it.  Moving on to verse 5, we are told, “For each of you have to carry your own load.”  A load is something more manageable than a burden, like a backpack.  It’s something that we can handle on our own without assistance. 

When we help someone with their burdens, we are providing necessary support that they cannot manage on their own.  This is a beautiful act of kindness & compassion.  However, when we constantly step in & help people with their loads, we are doing them a great disservice.  We are teaching them that they do not need to take responsibility for their lives & that they can rely on others to do the hard work for them.  This can lead to a cycle of dependency that is unhealthy for both parties involved.

It’s absolutely essential to understand the difference between burdens & loads, & to be mindful of how much we help others with each.  We must be willing to step in & help when someone genuinely needs it, but we must also encourage them to take responsibility for their own lives.  To carry their own loads, in other words.

Enabling is when we do things for others that they can & should do for themselves.  Enabling can take many forms, such as constantly lending money to a friend who never pays it back or doing your child’s homework for them.  Enabling behaviors can be harmful to both parties involved.  The person doing the enabling can become resentful & exhausted, while the person being enabled can become dependent & unable to take responsibility for their own lives.

Enabling often starts with good intentions.  We want to help someone we care about, & think that by doing things for them, we are showing love & support.  Over time, enabling can lead to a dysfunctional cycle of dependence that is difficult to break.  The person being enabled may start to rely on the enabler for more & more, & they may not learn the necessary skills to take care of themselves.

Therefore, it’s vital to be mindful of enabling behaviors & to set healthy boundaries.  We must be willing to say no when someone asks us to do something that they can & should do for themselves, & encourage them to take responsibility for their own lives.

Maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial when it comes to helping others.  We must be willing to set limits on how much we can help & what kind of help we are willing to provide.  We must also be willing to communicate those boundaries clearly with our loved ones.  This can be difficult, as it may feel like we are letting them down or not being supportive enough, but in reality, healthy boundaries are key to maintaining healthy relationships.

By setting healthy boundaries, we are teaching our loved ones that we care about them enough to be honest with them.  We are also teaching them to take responsibility for their own lives & to respect our limits.  This can lead to stronger, more meaningful relationships built on mutual respect & trust.

Helping others is a wonderful thing to do.  As Christians, we are called to help those in need & to carry each other’s burdens.  The Bible shows that there also need to be limits on how much we help, & we must be mindful of those limits.  By understanding the difference between burdens & loads, recognizing the dangers of enabling, & maintaining healthy boundaries, we can help others in a way that promotes independence, responsibility, & mutual respect.

Encouragement For Those Who God Has Called To Serve

Serving people in any capacity can be exhausting.  It requires you to give of yourself, your time, & your resources.  There are also times that it can feel unrewarding & can make you want to quit.  But if you have answered the call of God to serve others, then you know that quitting is not an option.  You know that you are doing what God has called you to do, & that is the most important thing.  You are making a difference in the lives of others, & that is something you can be proud of.

I want to encourage you to keep going today.  God loves you so much, is proud of what you’re doing, & He will reward you for it.  Hebrews 6:10 in the Amplified Bible says, “For God is not unjust so as to forget your work & the love which you have shown for His name in ministering to [the needs of] the saints (God’s people), as you do.”

Serving others is not just a job or a task.  It’s a calling from God.  He has chosen you for this work, & He has equipped you with all of the skills & abilities you need to do it well.  When you embrace your calling, you will find a sense of purpose & fulfillment that you won’t find anywhere else.

However, embracing your calling doesn’t mean that you won’t face challenges or difficulties.  There will be times when you feel overwhelmed or discouraged.  During those times, it’s important to remember that God is with you.  He will give you the strength & the courage to keep going, even when you don’t feel like it.

If you’re feeling discouraged or overwhelmed, take some time to pray & ask God for His guidance & strength.  Remember that you are not alone, & that God is with you every step of the way.

While serving others is important, it’s also important to take care of yourself.  You can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure to take time for self care.  This means taking care of your physical, emotional, & spiritual needs.

Physically, make sure to get enough rest, exercise, & eat healthy.  Emotionally, take time to do things that bring you joy & relaxation.  This could be reading a book, spending time with friends or family, or doing a hobby you enjoy.  Spiritually, make sure to spend time in prayer & reading the Bible.  When you take care of yourself, you will have more energy & motivation to serve others.  You will also be a better example of Christ’s love to those around you.

It’s also so important to celebrate your successes, no matter how small they may seem.  Celebrating your successes will help you stay motivated & encouraged.  It will also help you see the impact that you’re making in the lives of others.  So, take some time to reflect on the progress you’ve made & the lives you’ve touched.  Celebrate the lives that have been changed because of you.  Remember that every small act of kindness & service matters.  When you celebrate your successes, you will be reminded of the importance of your work.  You will be reminded that God is using you to make a difference in the world.  How you celebrate isn’t important, so long as you do.  You can get yourself a gift or even take a moment simply to bask in the good feelings of accomplishing what you have done. 

Serving others can be exhausting & discouraging at times, but it’s so helpful & important to remember that God is with you every step of the way.  Embrace your calling, take care of yourself, & celebrate your successes.  Remember that you are making a difference in the world.  Keep going.  Keep serving.  Know that God is proud of you & what you’re doing.

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Medical Trauma Involves More Than Serious Health Scares

When we think of medical trauma, we often imagine individuals going through life threatening health scares, battling serious illnesses, or surviving severe accidents. While these experiences are undoubtedly traumatic, it’s important to recognize that medical trauma encompasses more than just these extreme situations. It also includes the emotional & psychological distress that can arise from feeling dismissed, belittled, or mistreated by healthcare professionals.

As someone who has personally endured medical trauma, I can attest to the fact that the fear & anxiety associated with medical trauma can be overwhelming. Whether it is the constant worry of being minimized by doctors or the anticipation of encountering rude & hostile staff members, these experiences leave a lasting impact.

In this blog post, I will share my own encounters with medical trauma, highlighting the need for support & understanding for all individuals who have experienced similar challenges.

One form of medical trauma that often goes unnoticed is the dismissal of valid concerns by healthcare professionals. I experienced this firsthand when I was just 19 years old. Struggling with awful back pain, I sought medical help, only to be met with skepticism & accusations of faking my pain. The doctors claimed that I was “too young” to have such severe back problems. Others I knew also thought I was faking it because I was simply too lazy to work.

This dismissal invalidated my pain, amplified my anxieties & made me question my own experiences. Many times over the years I doubted my pain was real. I believed they were right.. I was faking it & was too lazy to work.

Furthermore, it is crucial to acknowledge that the dismissal of valid concerns is rarely an isolated incident. Many individuals with rare conditions, chronic illnesses or pain face similar challenges, struggling to find healthcare providers who take their symptoms seriously. This lack of validation perpetuates a cycle of medical trauma.

In addition to the dismissal of concerns, medical trauma can also stem from the hostile & rude behavior exhibited by healthcare staff. Imagine walking into a medical facility, already anxious & in pain, only to be met with disdain & judgment. Sadly, this was my experience in the emergency room after barely surviving Carbon Monoxide Poisoning in 2015.

The staff’s nonchalant attitude & lack of empathy made me feel like my condition was inconsequential. Despite nearly dying from exposure & having a serious head injury from hitting my head when I passed out, they treated my symptoms as if they were minor, & gave me no warning what to expect in the future.

Healthcare settings should be safe spaces for individuals seeking help & healing. When healthcare providers & staff exhibit hostility & rudeness, it further exacerbates the trauma experienced by patients. The emotional scars left by these encounters can impact an individual’s trust in the healthcare system & hinder their ability to seek necessary medical care in the future. I can attest to this, as I have virtually no trust in doctors or hospitals now.

People not in the field also never should be judgmental or dismissive of the health struggles of other people. The emotional toll of being doubted & dismissed by medical staff or friends & family never should be underestimated. It is a trauma that deserves recognition & support.

Societal norms often dictate that people should be grateful for any form of medical attention they receive, which makes it difficult to be open about such experiences. This is so wrong! Everyone’s pain & suffering should be acknowledged & validated. This means actively listening, believing experiences, & empowering people to advocate for their own health.

Moreover, healthcare professionals & staff must develop empathy, compassion, & sensitivity. By fostering an environment of understanding & respect, we can prevent further medical trauma & improve the overall quality of care provided.

It is time to recognize & address the diverse range of medical trauma experiences that individuals face. Everyone should prioritize empathy, understanding, & validation in every area, including when it comes to people’s health.

Sometimes Illness & Injury Can Make Us Self Centered

When we think of narcissism, we often associate it with selfish & self centered individuals who only care about themselves.  However, sometimes when a person becomes seriously ill or injured, they may exhibit similar behavior.  It’s crucial to recognize that this self centeredness doesn’t necessarily mean they are true narcissists.  Instead, it stems from the necessity to focus on their healing or adapting to a new disability.

As someone who has experienced this firsthand, I can attest to the profound impact serious health concerns can have on one’s perspective & behavior.  After barely surviving carbon monoxide poisoning, I found myself constantly thinking about my own well being.  Simple tasks that were once effortless became daunting, as was the fear of never fully recovering.  This experience made me realize the importance of acknowledging & addressing this self centeredness. 

When faced with a severe illness or injury, individuals often find themselves forced to prioritize their own well being.  Whether it’s the physical healing process or adjusting to life with a disability, the focus becomes very centered on oneself.  This shift in perspective is not necessarily a sign of narcissism but rather a necessary response to the immediate challenges at hand.

During my recovery from carbon monoxide poisoning, I had to redirect my attention to the simplest tasks that I once performed effortlessly.  Suddenly simple things became monumental endeavors.  The fear of not fully recovering & the uncertainty of the future intensified this self centeredness.  It was a survival mechanism, a way to cope with my “new normal” but it easily could have become a problem in my relationships.

It’s important to remember that when someone is going through this self centered phase, they may not even realize it themselves.  They are deeply immersed in their own struggles & challenges that make it difficult for them to consider others as they once did.  This realization can help us approach them with empathy & understanding while also helping them to broaden their focus.

When someone we care about is going through a serious health concern, they need plenty of reassurance & support.  Letting them know that you are there for them can provide a sense of comfort & help alleviate some of their fears & anxieties.  It’s also equally important to prioritize your own well being in the process.

As a caregiver or supporter, it’s easy to get caught up in the needs & demands of the person who needs your help.  While you can be there for them, it’s equally crucial to take care of yourself.  Neglecting your own needs leads to burnout & resentment, ultimately hindering your ability to provide the support they need & taking a toll on your mental health.

Changing the subject sometimes to your own experiences or challenges can be a gentle way to introduce the idea that they may be talking about themselves excessively.  By sharing your own stories & struggles, you can subtly encourage them to broaden their conversations & shift their focus.  However, this approach should be handled delicately, ensuring that they are open to such discussions & receptive to feedback.

It’s important to recognize that this self centeredness is not limited to any specific group of individuals.  Anyone facing significant health challenges can exhibit these behaviors. 

By recognizing the underlying reasons for this behavior, we can avoid labeling individuals as narcissists who don’t deserve that label.  Instead, we can offer support, reassurance, & gentle guidance to help them navigate their journey.

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About Continually Incompetent People

Have you ever encountered someone who always seems to conveniently forget how to do certain tasks?  They claim ignorance & helplessness, leaving you to pick up the slack.  These individuals are often covert narcissists.  Whether or not they are narcissists, they are using a manipulation tactic.  It is essential to recognize such behavior & protect ourselves from falling into their trap, so today we’ll discuss ways to do just that.

Covert narcissists are skilled at masking their true intentions behind a facade of vulnerability & helplessness.  They often pretend not to know how to do something, creating an opportunity for others to step in & take charge.  By doing so, they not only avoid tasks they don’t want to do, but they also gain a sense of power & control over those who willingly take on the responsibilities where they feign incompetence. 

One of my friends aptly described this behavior as “weaponized incompetence.”  It is a form of manipulation that capitalizes on others’ willingness to help & serve.  By making others believe they lack the necessary skills or knowledge, covert narcissists can manipulate them into doing their bidding. 

Covert narcissists are adept at playing the victim, & weaponized incompetence is one of their most effective strategies.  They use it to exploit the compassion & empathy most people possess.  This tactic typically unfolds in three distinct phases: feigned ignorance, manipulation, & reinforcement.

Firstly, the covert narcissist will pretend not to know how to perform a specific task or solve a problem.  They may act helpless, seeking assistance from others who possess the necessary skills.  This initial display of incompetence is carefully calculated to elicit sympathy & draw people into their web of manipulation.

Once they have successfully roped someone into helping, the covert narcissist proceeds to manipulate the situation to their advantage.  They may offer half hearted attempts at learning or make excuses for their incompetence.  This manipulation aims to shift the responsibility entirely onto the willing helper, making them feel indispensable & fostering a sense of obligation to continue assisting the narcissist in the future.

Lastly, the covert narcissist reinforces this behavior through positive reinforcement.  They shower the willing helper with praise & gratitude, further cementing their role as the reliable problem solver.  By doing so, the narcissist ensures that the helper remains under their control, ready to step in whenever they feign incompetence again.

It is so crucial to be aware of manipulative tactics such as weaponized incompetence.  Recognizing this behavior enables us to protect ourselves from being manipulated & controlled.  Following are some strategies to help safeguard against falling into the trap:

Trust your instincts: If something feels off or too good to be true, listen to your feeling.  Covert narcissists try to exploit kindness, so be vigilant & trust your instincts when something doesn’t seem right.

Set & enforce strict boundaries: Covert narcissists thrive on blurring boundaries & taking advantage of others.  By setting boundaries, you protect yourself from being manipulated & ensure your resources are used wisely.

Develop discernment: Cultivate discernment through prayer, self reflection, & seeking input from wise people.  Understanding the difference between genuine need & manipulative behavior is crucial in avoiding being controlled in this way.

Practice self care: Prioritize self care & nurture your own well being.  Covert narcissists feed off the energy & attention of others.  By taking care of yourself, you gain the wisdom & strength to recognize & resist their manipulative tactics.

It is so important to maintain integrity & discernment, ensuring that kindness & willingness to help are not exploited by those who seek to control & manipulate.  Remember, God calls us to serve & love one another genuinely, but that does not mean we should tolerate anyone using us.  

Life With Chronic Illness Or Pain

Living with a chronic illness or pain is filled with immense loss & challenges.  It is not simply the physical symptoms, but also the profound emotional impact it has on the lack of ability to live a “normal” life.  We lose the freedom to do things we once loved without pain or exhaustion, & with that loss comes grief & mourning for the life we once enjoyed.  Additionally, we find ourselves having to adapt to new limitations, which can be emotionally draining & isolating.  Today, I want to offer some hope & encouragement in the midst of these struggles.

One of the most significant losses that individuals with chronic illness or pain experience is the loss of normalcy.  Before the onset of the condition, we were able to engage in activities without the burden of pain or exhaustion.  We could pursue passions, hobbies, & dreams with vigor & enthusiasm.  However, chronic illness or pain changes everything.  Suddenly, even the simplest tasks become arduous & draining.  The ability to work, socialize, or engage in physical activities may become limited or even impossible, which naturally leads to a profound sense of loss.

With this loss of normalcy comes a deep longing for the life that once was.  It is common to grieve over the things we can no longer do & the dreams we had to lose.  The future envisioned is now filled with uncertainty & limitations.  This loss can be especially challenging for individuals who had a strong sense of identity tied to their abilities & achievements.  They struggle the hardest with feelings of inadequacy, as the illness or pain creates a new version of themselves that they have to learn to adapt to.

The loss of normalcy extends beyond physical limitations.  It also impacts our emotional well being.  The constant presence of pain or the challenges of managing a chronic illness leads to feelings of frustration, sadness, & even depression.  The emotional toll of chronic illness or pain is often underestimated & misunderstood by those who have not experienced it themselves. 

Living with a chronic illness or pain is even more challenging when faced with the lack of understanding & empathy from others.  People who have not experienced chronic illness or pain firsthand often fail to comprehend the daily struggles & limitations.  Some question the authenticity of our condition, accusing us of faking or seeking attention.  These accusations are hurtful & invalidating, especially when they come from those close to us.

Furthermore, the impatience of others compounds the challenges we face.  It is common for those with chronic illnesses or pain to have limitations & require accommodations or adjustments.  However, this may frustrate those around us.  They may become impatient with our slower pace, our need for rest & breaks, or our inability to participate in certain activities.  This impatience makes us feel like a burden, further eroding our sense of self worth.

Amidst the losses & challenges of living with chronic illness or pain, finding hope & strength can be a difficult but necessary journey.  As a Christian, I have found solace in my relationship with God.  2 Corinthians 12:9 in the Amplified Bible says, “but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.”  This Scripture reminds me that even in my limitations, I am not alone & that God still can work through me.

While it is natural to grieve over the losses that chronic illness or pain brings, it is also important to remember that our identity is not solely defined by our abilities or achievements.  Our worth as individuals is rooted in our inherent value as children of God.  Through a relationship with God, we can find strength, hope, & purpose in our lives, even in the midst of our limitations.  God’s grace is sufficient for you, & His power is made perfect in your weakness.

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Easy Ways To Be A Better Listener

Have you ever been in a situation where you were pouring your heart out to someone, only for them to turn the conversation around to themselves?  Maybe you were talking about a difficult time in your life, & the other person kept interrupting with stories of their own struggles.  It can be frustrating & hurtful, especially if you’re already vulnerable.  This is why it’s important to remember that when someone is talking about something you can relate to, you should listen & support them, rather than making it all about you.

When someone is sharing a personal experience, it’s important to remember that they are trusting us with their vulnerability.  By turning the conversation around to ourselves, we are essentially shutting them down & telling them that our experiences are more important than theirs.  This can be incredibly damaging to our relationships, particularly with those who have experienced verbal & emotional abuse.

People who have been through abuse may struggle to open up to others, especially if they have been gaslighted, or made to feel like their experiences are not valid.  When we turn the conversation around to ourselves, we are reinforcing this idea that their experiences are not important.  It can make it even harder for them to trust others & feel like they can share their feelings.

Additionally, when we repeatedly turn the conversation around to ourselves, we are sending a message that we are not interested in what the other person has to say.  Even if we don’t feel that way, our behavior shows otherwise.  This can lead to the other person feeling invalidated & unheard, & they may start to avoid opening up to us altogether.

So, how can we respond in a way that shows we care & are invested in what the other person is saying?  Here are a few tips:

Listen actively: When someone is sharing with us, we should give them our full attention.  This means actively listening to what they are saying, without interrupting or trying to relate it back to ourselves.

Show empathy: Let the other person know that you hear them & understand how they are feeling.  This can be as simple as saying, “That sounds really tough.  I’m sorry you’re going through that.”  You also can say you went through something similar, but unless they specifically ask for all the details, don’t elaborate much so as to avoid turning the conversation’s focus to you,

Ask questions: If you’re not sure what to say, ask the other person questions about their experience.  This shows that you’re interested in what they have to say & can help them feel heard.

Avoid offering unsolicited advice: Unless the other person specifically asks for advice, it’s best to avoid giving it.  Instead, focus on validating their feelings & providing support.

Be mindful of your own behavior.  Take the time to reflect on how you respond when others open up to you & make a conscious effort to be more present & supportive.  This is particularly important for those who have not experienced verbal or emotional abuse, as you may not fully understand how your behavior can impact others.

Being a good listener is not always easy, but it’s essential for building strong, healthy relationships.  By being mindful of how we respond when others open up to us, we can create a safe & supportive space for them to share their experiences.  This, in turn, can help strengthen our connections & foster greater empathy & understanding.

Feeling Little Or No Sympathy For Someone Who Has Abused You Or Someone You Love Is Normal

It’s normal for people to feel empathy towards someone who is suffering.  However, when someone who has hurt or abused you or someone you love, it’s just as normal to feel little or no sympathy towards them.  It can be very challenging to navigate these feelings, but it’s essential to understand that it’s a natural response.  Today, we will discuss this topic & provide tips for how to cope.

Feeling little or no sympathy towards someone who has hurt or abused you or someone you love is a natural defense mechanism that helps protect you from further emotional harm.  When you experience abuse, your brain recognizes the perpetrator as a threat, & it triggers the natural response to protect yourself.  This response can cause you to distance yourself from the abuser physically &/or emotionally, & feel little or no empathy towards them when they are struggling or suffering.

Coping with the emotions of feeling little or no sympathy towards someone who has hurt or abused you can be challenging.  It feels so foreign for the average person, because people naturally have some degree of empathy for their fellow human beings.  It’s so important & helpful to acknowledge your feelings or lack thereof & not judge yourself for having them.  Instead, remind yourself that you are ok!  Yes, your response is abnormal in most situations, but in your abnormal circumstances, it is very normal.

As a Christian, praying for your abuser can be a powerful tool for healing, but it must be approached in a healthy way.  Praying for the abuser also does not condone their behavior or mean that you have to have the goal of reconciling with them.  Instead, it helps you to release any anger or bitterness you may be holding towards them while obeying God’s command to pray for our enemies.  It’s hard to do this sometimes, I know, but it does get easier the more often you do it.  God knows this & understands.  I learned in these situations that I might as well be totally honest about it.  I have prayed for people & told God, “I don’t want to do this.  I don’t care right now about what happens to them.  But, I know You want me to pray for them, so I’m doing it.”  I figured that God knew what I was feeling, so why not just be honest about it?  Pretending I didn’t feel that way wouldn’t fool Him.  And you know what?  Not once did He judge or even criticize me.  He appreciates the effort we make to please Him, & I think even more when we do things that are very hard for us.  Also, after praying this way a few times, it got easier & my prayers finally became more sincere. 

There also have been times I simply couldn’t pray for these people, no matter how much I wanted to.  I learned in those times to ask those close to me to pray for them & for me to be able to pray for them.  In time, I was able to pray for them as well.

When someone is suffering, even when you feel nothing for them at first, sometimes it can be tempting to try to reconcile the relationship.  It’s so to remember that narcissists don’t change just because they’re suffering.  They may behave better temporarily, even after the suffering is over, but that change is almost never permanent.  Exercise wisdom & ask God for wisdom & discernment in your situation.  Only reconcile the relationship if you know beyond any shadow of a doubt that it is God’s will.  Never feel badly about distancing yourself from your abuser & protecting yourself from further harm, no matter what is happening with your abuser.

You will be wise to focus on your own healing & well-being & not let your or your loved one’s abuser’s struggles or suffering distract you from such things.  Remember that it’s normal to feel little or no sympathy towards someone who has hurt or abused you or someone you love, & there is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from them.  Feeling little or no sympathy for such a person is a normal response to an abnormal situation.  It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or that you’re a bad person.  You are simply a normal human being.

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25% Off All Ebooks Sale Is Still In Progress!

My publisher is offering 25% off all of my ebooks from December 15, 2022 – January 1, 2023. No coupon code is needed! Just shop & the sale price magically appears in your shopping cart.

My ebooks are available at the link below…

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

Big Sale On My Ebooks!

My publisher is offering 25% off all of my ebooks from December 15, 2022 – January 1, 2023. No coupon code is needed! Just shop & the sale price magically appears in your shopping cart.

My ebooks are available at the link below…

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

Biggest Sale EVER On My Print Books! 30% Off!

My publisher is offering 30% off all of my print books until Tuesday November 29, 2022. Simply use code JOYFUL30 at checkout.

My books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

Big Sale On My Print Books! 20% Off!

My publisher is offering a sale- 20% off all of my print books! Simply use code SNEAKPEEK20 at checkout. This code is valid until November 4, 2022.

My print books can be found at the following link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

Doing Another New Thing

Recently as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve decided to get into doing podcasts. I just decided to add them to Instagram. They are the same as my podcasts on YouTube- a picture of my logo with a podcast audio attached, just on a different platform. Lots of people like Instagram, so I figured it’s a good outlet for them.

Not sure what else, if anything I’ll do with Instagram. I may add the memes about NPD I’ve made & any future ones I make. I don’t know just yet. God will show me what to do though, of that I have no doubt.

If you’re on Instagram, & want to check them out, then follow the link below. I only have uploaded 1 so far, but hubby is on vacation so I simply haven’t had the time yet to do more. I will after he goes back to work.

https://www.instagram.com/cynthia_bailey_rug/

My Podcasts

As I mentioned some time back, I decided to give up making videos & just go with podcasts. I have added them to a bunch of different podcast sites, so I thought I would share them here for those of you who are a fan of podcasts. I hope you decide to check them out sometime! If your favorite podcast site isn’t on this list, then please let me know. I’ll try to add it.

Amazon Music:

https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/636257ca-b20e-4c80-b0c4-76c6da81d4b6/cynthia-bailey-rug

Anchor By Spotify:

Apple Podcasts:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/cynthia-bailey-rug/id1632080095

Castbox:

https://castbox.fm/channel/id3103069?utm_source=podcaster&utm_medium=dlink&utm_campaign=c_3103069&utm_content=Cynthia%20Bailey-Rug-CastBox_FM

Google Podcasts:

https://www.google.com/podcasts?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy8yNWViYmY5OC9wb2RjYXN0L3Jzcw==

iheartradio:

Overcast:

https://overcast.fm/itunes1519449931/cynthia-bailey-rug

Player fm:

https://player.fm/series/cynthia-bailey-rug

Pocketcasts:

https://pca.st/3qvsb30s

Podbean:

https://www.podbean.com/podcast-detail/32zdh-12d533/Cynthia-Bailey-Rug-Podcast

RadioPublic:

Soundcloud:

Spotify:

Stitcher:

https://www.stitcher.com/show/cynthia-baileyrug

Tune In:

https://tunein.com/podcasts/Religion–Spirituality-Podcas/Cynthia-Bailey-Rug-p1728318/

Another Good Sale On My Print Books!

My publisher is offering 10% off my print books when you use code INFLUENCE10 at checkout until May 27, 2022.

Print versions of my books can be found at the link below..

Cynthia Bailey-Rug’s spotlight on Lulu

Losing A Narcissistic Parent

When someone’s parent dies, if they had a good relationship with that parent, or at least the relationship looked good to outsiders, chances are good they will get plenty of support.  People will tell them how sorry they were for their loss, bake casseroles & say things like, “If there’s anything I can do, call me.” 

When a narcissistic parent dies, however, the scenario is much different.  The usual signs of support & love aren’t common.  Quite the opposite in many cases.  Often, flying monkeys come out of the woodwork to shame the adult child at this time for being such a terrible son or daughter.  To add insult to injury, people often don’t know what to say to someone who has lost a narcissistic parent.  They seem to think since the adult child wasn’t close to the parent or maybe hadn’t even seen them in quite some time prior to their death, their death doesn’t affect the adult child at all.  They may say a brief, “sorry to hear about your parent” & then act as if nothing has happened. 

When my parents died, this was my experience. My father died in October, 2017, & I hadn’t spoken to my father in several months, then almost eighteen months later when my mother died, we hadn’t spoken in almost exactly three years.  My father was the first of my parents to die.  His death was surrounded by flying monkey attacks.  They happened frequently for a few months prior to his death, then daily for his final three weeks.  When my mother died, it also was an incredibly hard time for me.  Thankfully there weren’t many flying monkey attacks, but it was still very difficult.  The circumstances surrounding her death & her final few months were tragic, leaving me feeling incredibly guilty for being no contact when she clearly needed help.

The scenarios I described earlier is exactly how things worked for my husband & I.  When his parents were getting sicker & frailer, he spent a lot of time with them.  He was the only one to take them to the hospital & help them out when no one else would.  People showered him with concern & love when they passed away.  My husband got through the situation quite well, keeping to himself as is his nature, but no doubt several folks would have been more than happy to listen if he wanted to talk or if he’d needed help. When my parents died, things were very different. Those closest to me were very supportive but those not as close to me weren’t.  It was clear they didn’t know what to say or do, so in most cases, they said & did nothing, even acting as if nothing unusual had happened in my life.

Since so many of you who follow my work are in positions more like mine, & you are on my heart to talk to today.

When your narcissistic parent dies, it’s going to be hard.  The lack of support & understanding from those in your life may make it harder.  And, it really hurts!

I learned something.  It’s perfectly normal to feel as I did.  If you feel the same way, you’re ok!

For one thing, it’s a shock.  Narcissistic parents seem to take up all the space in the relationship.  They can feel bigger than life.  That means it’s impossible to imagine life without them.  It even can feel like them dying is impossible – they’ll always be there.  The fact they aren’t anymore is a strange & difficult thing to face.

There’s also the fact that losing a parent is different than losing anyone else.  You never lived one single day without your parent.  You may not have seen them daily or called often, but even so, the only world you know involved your parents being in it.  They were always a part of your reality.  That alone makes it seem impossible to make sense of a world without them. 

Lastly, whatever the relationship, if you’re drastically affected by your parent’s death it’s because you loved your parent.  That is totally normal.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  That is just as normal as feeling virtually nothing when your narcissistic parent dies because you grieved them enough when they were alive. 

Losing a narcissistic parent is a very strange thing to face.  Don’t judge yourself for how you feel about it.  Just focus on taking care of yourself, & grieving however you need to.

What It Means To Be Strong

Often when a person experiences the death of someone they love or they open up about abuse in their past, people tell them the same thing, & that thing is how strong they are.  It can be an empowering statement, but more often than not, it isn’t. 

Many people say this when they don’t know what else to say to someone that has suffered trauma & pain.  They usually say it to people who haven’t opened up a lot about what they’re feeling.  In these situations, people assume because someone hasn’t opened up about a lot of what they feel, the person must be coping well with the situation at hand..even when that isn’t the case.

Being told how strong you are also can be a way to gently tell a person to stop talking about their pain.  Your pain has made this person uncomfortable for whatever reason, & they want to stop you from discussing it.  Since they can’t tell you to shut up without appearing like a total jerk, they tell you how strong you are.  While the words, “stop talking about it” aren’t said, something in how “You’re so strong” is said can leave a person feeling as if they shouldn’t discuss their pain. 

Being truly strong in these situations isn’t like what many people think it is.  Real strength isn’t being stoic & going on with your life as if nothing happened after suffering trauma.

Being strong means being real.  Being open about whatever is going on with you, admitting you’re suffering or being more emotional than usual rather than taking the easy way out & pretending all is fine isn’t easy.  It takes a great deal of courage & strength to be that vulnerable!

Being strong means having the strength to face your pain head on & deal with it to the best of your ability.  Many people lack that strength.  They prefer ignoring their pain or pretending bad things never happened to them.  They are the people who do their best to stop others from discussing their pain, because it reminds them of their own pain that they’re too cowardly to face.  Strong people are nothing like that, & should be proud of their strength!

Being strong means crying, being angry, being numb or whatever negative emotion you feel & accepting the emotions without judgment or criticism.  Facing such emotions without judgment & criticism takes a great deal of bravery & strength.  There are not a lot of people who are willing to do that.  The majority of people judge & criticize their emotions very harshly rather than accepting them for what they are & coping with them to the best of their ability.

Being strong means asking others to help you when you’re having one of those days where you feel like you can’t function.  Many people can’t handle when someone is this vulnerable & can be very judgmental & critical. It takes a lot of strength to admit that you’re falling apart right now & need some help knowing an insensitive reaction is a distinct possibility.

All of these feel like the exact opposite of strength at the time they’re happening.  They feel like you’re doing everything society looks down on.  Wallowing in your pain, not letting go of the past, whining, indulging in self pity… yet nothing could be further from the truth!  Doing such things are acts of tremendous strength, especially when you are hurting the worst.  The more pain you’re in, the more strength & bravery it takes just to get out of bed each morning, go to work, eat regular meals & shower.  Being in tremendous pain means each of those normal, little things has become a tremendous burden.  When you can do them, you should be proud of yourself!  When you do the other things I mentioned such as facing your pain in addition to those things, you are proving that you are strong, tough & brave.  I hope you’re very proud of yourself!  You should be!

20% Off ALL Print Books!

My publisher turns 20 this year, & as a way to celebrate, they’re offering 20% off print book purchases until February 11, 2022. All you have to do to take advantage is use code 20FOR20 at checkout.

My books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

Year End Sale On ALL Of My Ebooks!

From December 17, 2021 until January 1, 2022, my publisher is offering 25% off all of my ebooks. If you’ve been wanting to read any of them, it’s a great time to buy. Simply go to my author page on my publisher’s site at the link below. The coupon will be applied automatically at checkout.

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

About My Print Books

I recently received an email from my print book publisher. There are difficulties with supply chain delays, so they recommend customers expect to receive their books in at least 3 weeks. Usually, the time is much shorter.

I was thinking about this & how it can affect my readers, I had some thoughts.

• Ebooks are cheaper, easier to hide from abusers, & are ready for reading the moment they are purchased. They’re a great option if money is tight, you live with your abuser, don’t want him or her to know you’re reading such material, &/or are in a rush to read a book. I urge you to consider buying the ebook version of my books rather than print if you are in such situations. They can be found at this link: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug
• If you still prefer the print copy, you have two options:
  • If you’re not in a hurry, you can simply order from my website as normal. Just be prepared for possible delays. They can be ordered at the following link: https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug
  • I always have copies of most of my books to have available for anyone who would like to buy them directly from me. I can sell & ship them myself at a slightly lower price than my publisher because as the author, I get a discount on my books. I also can ship via media mail (slow but cheap) or priority mail (fast but more expensive), buyer’s choice. Simply contact me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com & let me know what book(s) you would like. I’ll figure out your price & get back to you asap. I also added this information to my website so it’ll be readily available & easier to find than this blog post. Just visit my site at any time at: www.CynthiaBaileyRug,com

Thank you for your patience & understanding! It is very appreciated!!

Print Book Sale!!

From now until October 22, 2021, my publisher is offering a sale on all print books. Simply use code SPOOKY15 at checkout & get 15% off your purchase.

Visit the link below to see my print books:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

Ways The Spirit Of Fear Can Manifest

No matter how deep a person’s faith, we all make mistakes sometimes.  But, when a person’s actions don’t match their proclamation of faith more than they do match, it can be very hard to believe they are truly Christians.  In praying about this topic, God showed me some very interesting things.

A person truly can be born again, yet not act the part sometimes.  They can trust in the Gospel message, yet not trust that God wants to help them in their day to day life.

This can happen with someone who has serious health issues.  I once belonged to a traumatic brain injury support group online.  I wasn’t in the group long, because I noticed many members were intensely selfish, even ones who claimed to be Christians.  They weren’t obviously out to use & abuse other people like narcissists are, but clearly if something wasn’t about them, they weren’t interested. 

Christians also may not behave like Christians if they have a distrust of parent figures.  When a person was raised by at least one narcissistic parent, they most likely have a deep fear of all parental figures.  When you grew up with parents who were not only unsafe, but blatantly cruel & had no concern for your own needs, you will not trust God to be the loving father He claims to be in the Bible. 

Both of these issues can make even a Christian behave badly, & they both boil down to fear. 

Whether someone is sick, handicapped or raised by abusive parents, their core issue with God is they don’t trust Him.  When a person has serious health problems, they become self absorbed.  They suddenly have to consider their needs often & have to rely on other people to meet certain needs for the first time.  It can be very easy to become afraid of these needs not being met.

Or, they may feel that their earthly mother or father didn’t care about their needs, so why would anyone, even their Heavenly Father?  After all, He’s a parent & parents are selfish & don’t care about their children.  They fear others not being there for them or loving them, & often don’t even realize they feel this way.

When not confronted, fear can open the door for the spirit of fear.  2 Timothy 1:7 in the Amplified Bible states, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].”  Considering this verse gave me some insight into why some professing Christians don’t act like Christians.  They function with a spirit of fear.

I noticed after surviving carbon monoxide poisoning I was heading in this direction.  I had no idea what to expect from my health, thanks to the doctors giving me no information.  I also realized quickly that I had brain damage.  I had to learn quickly what was happening.  The more I learned, the more afraid I got.  The more afraid I got, the more selfish I got & the more afraid I got & the cycle continued.  Thankfully joining the TBI support group I mentioned previously made me realize how I felt, & how that was not how I wanted to be.  I spent more time in prayer, got closer to God & changed my ways.  I also learned to accept & work with my health issues.

Maybe you know someone in a similar position.  Someone operating with a spirit of fear can be incredibly painful to deal with, I know, but before you end the relationship, please consider what I have said.  Talk to the person.  Maybe they will see the problem & make appropriate changes.  If not, they may be too consumed with this spirit of fear.  Pray for them, asking God to free them from this spirit.  Reassure the person you love them & are there for them.  Granted, some people are too comfortable in their dysfunction to want change.  Some folks are also narcissists who refuse to change.  But, the average Christian person who is gripped by fear may respond very well.  Give it a try!  You can help them & also your relationship with that person.

10% Off All My Print Books Until October 1, 2021

My publisher is having another sale. 10% off ALL print products, which naturally includes my books. Simply use code BUY10 at checkout. You can see my books at the link below:

lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

If you’re interested in checking out the other great selection of print products my publisher sells, simply visit lulu.com & use code BUY10 at checkout

My Newest Mini Book!

I have just completed another mini book called “A Biblical Perspectives Mini Book: Loving Someone with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.”

As the name implies, this book is about ways you can help someone with C-PTSD. It also includes information on the science behind C-PTSD, symptoms & the awful emotions that go along with it.

It currently is only available in ebook format just like my other mini books. For now anyway. That may change in the future.

This book is available at the link below…

www.smashwords.com/books/view/1102949