For Those Whose Relatives Severed Ties With Your Family

Family is supposed to be a source of love, support, & comfort.  Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.  For some people, their family members are toxic & abusive.  They treat you cruelly, manipulate you, or even are violent towards you.  When you’ve tried everything to make the relationship work, but it’s only led to more pain & hurt, cutting ties with your family is usually the only option left.  It’s a difficult decision to make & one that’s often met with judgment & criticism from others.  For those who have been through it, it’s a necessary step towards healing & protecting yourself.

People who cut ties with their family members almost never do so impulsively.  They put in countless hours of praying, feeling hurt & angry, crying, looking for other solutions, sacrificing their peace of mind to stay a part of the family, & questioning themselves before realizing there’s no other option.  They have tried for years, only to be hurt over & over.  Eventually, they realize they can’t do it any longer, & that’s when they finally cut all contact.

This decision comes with an emotional toll that’s difficult to describe.  Imagine having to cut ties with someone you’ve known your entire life, the person who’s supposed to always be there for you.  It’s like a death, but worse because the person is still alive.  You mourn the loss of the relationship & the family you thought you had.  You feel guilty for cutting them off.  You wonder if you’re making the right decision.  You worry about what others will think of you.  You feel like you’re losing a part of yourself.

It’s not a decision that’s made lightly, & it’s not one that’s made without pain.  People who cut ties with their family members go through a grieving process, & it’s not something that happens quickly.  It takes time, patience, & support from others to heal from the pain.

As if the emotional toll wasn’t enough, those who cut ties with their family members are often judged, criticized, mocked, shamed,  & more because they chose to protect themselves from toxic people.  People like this have their priorities completely backwards!  They celebrate tolerating abuse & shame walking away from abusers, especially when the abusers are family.

One of the biggest misconceptions is that cutting ties with family members is an easy way out.  People who believe this fail to understand the complexity of toxic relationships.  They don’t understand the amount of time & effort that goes into trying to make the relationship work.  They don’t understand the emotional toll it takes on a person to be in a toxic relationship.  They don’t understand the courage it takes to cut ties with your family members knowing that you will face intense backlash for doing so.

Another misconception is that cutting ties with family members is a selfish act.  People who believe this fail to understand the importance of self-care & self-preservation.  They don’t understand that toxic relationships lead to depression, anxiety, PTSD & potentially even suicide.  They don’t understand that cutting ties with family members may be the only way to protect yourself from further harm.

It’s important to understand that cutting ties with family members is not a decision that’s made lightly.  People who do this have exhausted all other options & have come to the conclusion that it’s the best decision for their mental health & wellbeing.

If you’re someone who has cut ties with your family members, know that you’re not alone.  It’s a difficult decision to make, but it’s one that’s often necessary for your mental health & wellbeing.  If you’re someone who hasn’t gone through this experience, it’s important to recognize the complexity of the decision & the emotional toll it takes on a person.  It’s not an easy way out, & it’s not a selfish act.  It’s a courageous step towards healing & protecting yourself.

Remember, if your family members are toxic & abusive, it’s ok to cut ties with them.  It’s ok to prioritize your mental health & well being.  It’s ok to protect yourself from further harm.

Sometimes God Tells Us To Go No Contact With Our Parents

When a person is considering severing ties with their parent or has done it, they are often met with extreme judgment from other people.  It’s astounding to me that people who don’t even have any vested interest in the relationship are so quick to judge & criticize.  They adult children in this situation that they should fix their relationship with their parent, forgive & forget anything their parents do, & other nonsense.  They know nothing of the situation, so why do they think they know just what someone in this situation needs to do?!  And, what makes them think that the adult child hasn’t tried to fix the relationship or hasn’t forgiven their parent probably thousands of times?

Then there are those whose knowledge of the Bible is limited, but they preach Exodus 10:12 (which says children should honor their parents) as if they know the entire Bible well.  I’ve been in this situation.  The person who said this to me is one of the most dysfunctional & toxic people I’ve ever known.  I honestly don’t know how she even knows that Scripture since I’m unsure if she’s even opened a Bible in her life. 

For those of you in this situation, I truly understand.  I went no contact with my parents & the pressure from outsiders who knew nothing of my situation was intense.  My parents were both in their late 70’s at the time, so abandoning my elderly parents looked extremely selfish & cruel to anyone who didn’t know about the situation.  Yet I knew it had to be done.  Even so, I doubted sometimes.  I felt like God told me when & how to go no contact with my parents, but even so, sometimes, I wondered if I misheard His voice or made it up because I was at my wit’s end.  The guilt was terrible because of that. Then one day, I realized something.  God DOES tell people to go no contact with their parents sometimes.

If you haven’t read the story of Abraham in the Bible, I recommend it.  The story is fascinating & his faith in God is inspiring.  Also, God told him to leave his family.  Yes, God spoke to him & told Abraham to leave his family!  Pretty incredible, isn’t it?  But this is true, & it’s in the Bible in Genesis 12:1-3.  In the Amplified translation, it says,  “Now [in Haran] the Lord had said to Abram, “Go away from your country, And from your relatives And from your father’s house, To the land which I will show you; ² And I will make you a great nation,And I will bless you [abundantly], And make your name great (exalted, distinguished); And you shall be a blessing [a source of great good to others];  ³ And I will bless (do good for, benefit) those who bless you, And I will curse [that is, subject to My wrath and judgment] the one who curses (despises, dishonors, has contempt for) you.  And in you all the families (nations) of the earth will be blessed.”

I know there are people who abandon their parents from purely selfish motives.  They feel that if their parents can’t serve them somehow, they must get them out of their lives.  However, in my experience in studying & writing about Narcissistic Personality Disorder since 2011, every single person I’ve met who has severed ties with their parents did so because their parent continually hurt them, often also hurting their spouse & children. 

If you are reading this, I feel very safe in assuming that you are in the majority.   You had valid reasons for going no contact with your parent.  I also feel safe in assuming you have had times of wrestling with tremendous guilt for doing so as I did.  If you are, then today please know that it’s ok!  There are times even God tells His children, “It’s time to move on.  Leave your family.”  God doesn’t always ask us to do what is easy or popular.  Sometimes, He asks us to do things that are really tough, like leaving our family behind & moving somewhere else where God can bless us.

When Narcissists Claim They Don’t Know Why Their Adult Children Went No Contact

I would like to make one small disclaimer on this post.  I am writing it from the perspective of those in a position like mine, the adult child who severed ties with their parent for valid reasons.  This doesn’t mean I always side with the adult children in these situations & assume all parents to be guilty until proven innocent.  I absolutely do NOT believe in blindly siding with any specific person or even group. 

Many times when an adult child severs ties with their parent, that parent claims to have no idea why their child did this.  They say this happened without warning, totally out of the blue.  My parents did this.  I severed ties with them after a huge argument in May, 2016.  During the fight, I felt all knowledge I have of narcissism went out the window because I was so hurt.  I cried, I used bad language & I told my parents exactly why I was so upset with them rather than remain calm & set boundaries as I usually did.  Oddly, they acted like I did this every day, & weren’t affected in the slightest by my behavior.  It was the last time I spoke with my mother before her death, & one of the last times I spoke to my father before his.  He tried to apologize a few months after the argument, but it was obvious from what he said, he had no idea why I was so upset.  When cleaning out their home after my mother’s passing, I read some things she wrote & she was clearly just as oblivious. 

This is very typical of abusive parents.  My story is only one of many similar ones.  This makes it so hard for the adult child in this situation, because you feel like your parent didn’t even care enough to listen to anything you said, let alone try to make things better.  It’s so painful thinking they’re so unaware & uncaring.  If you’re in this position, you know that hurt all too well.

I’ve come to realize something though.  Whether or not they know, it truly has nothing to do with you & everything to do with them.

Normal human beings recognize when they have said or done something bad.  They apologize & try to make amends.  As anyone who has even a fleeting knowledge of people with narcissistic personality disorder knows, that isn’t how narcissists work.  Apologizing & making amends are beneath them, so that won’t happen.

Also to apologize, they need to recognize they did something wrong. Narcissists lack the basic human empathy to see anything from another’s perspective, even when that problem is glaringly obvious to about anyone else in the world. 

In many cases like this, however, the narcissists do know that they were wrong.  They won’t admit it, but they know.  You’re probably thinking I am wrong on this, but I really don’t think I am.  If you pay attention to what a narcissistic parent in this situation says, there are hints that show they know they messed up. 

They may talk only about their child going no contact with them or how angry that child has been with them.  They talk about how this affects them.  But they leave out things that led up to their child being so angry or making this decision.  They may say things like their child says they are a terrible person or says cruel things to them, but where are the details?  Those are left out.  Sure, this could be a narcissist’s way to keep all focus on them & off their adult child, but I believe in many cases, it’s a way to make them look like the innocent victim & hide their awful behavior.  The listener is supposed to be so distracted by what was done to the narcissist that it never occurs to them to ask what else happened.

If your narcissistic parent has told people they have no idea why you severed ties with them, I know you’ll feel hurt, maybe even unimportant because your own parent doesn’t care about why you opted for no contact.  That is a natural way to feel but that doesn’t mean it is right!  Whether or not your parent truly knows, their behavior is all about them, & is no reflection on you.  Please remember that! 

When Narcissistic Parents Sever Ties With Their Adult Children

When someone goes no contact with their parent, it usually comes about after a lot of thought, sometimes even over a period of years.  It also comes after preparation for full no contact.  What I mean is often the adult child has tried setting boundaries & limiting contact with their parent.  Often, they start small & work up to more boundaries & less contact before full no contact is initiated.  I did this myself.  I contemplated no contact for a long time before deciding it was what I needed to do.  I knew I wasn’t ready & also that timing wasn’t right, however.  I leaned on God for guidance & also for strength.  He showed me small boundaries I could set.  That strengthened me to set larger boundaries & limit my contact with my parents.  In time, I knew the time was right for no contact, & I also had the ability to do it.

This isn’t the case when narcissistic parents cut ties with their children.

Narcissistic parents don’t go no contact as a way to protect themselves from abusive people. They inatead use the silent treatment as a way to punish & manipulate, although they may claim they are setting a healthy boundary with an abusive person.

This behavior can be incredibly hurtful to the adult child of a narcissist! It also leaves them questioning what they did wrong & what they could’ve done better. Sometimes they even question what they did because they have no idea. My mother stopped speaking to me for 18 months once, & I never learned why.

If you’re in this situation & struggling with these feelings, you’re normal! It can feel otherwise, but I promise, you’re normal!

Please keep in mind your parent is manipulating you. That’s just what narcissistic parents do. It doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. In fact, you probably did something right. If you set a healthy boundary, no doubt your parent is angry & punishing you for it. Maybe you had some personal success. That could have stirred up envy in your parent & he or she wants to hurt you for looking better than them. Whatever the case, your parent is clearly the one with the problem, not you. If you remember that, it will help you not to be as upset about your parent’s behavior. In fact, it may help you to enjoy the repreive from the abusive, awful behavior.

What It’s Like To Go No Contact With Parents

People often don’t understand what it’s like sever ties with  parents.  It’s easy to understand how shocking it can be to some people.  I want people who don’t understand to understand, & I hope to help them to do that with this post.

Looking from the outside in, most people don’t see an abusive family scenario.  They see attentive parents & well behaved children.  They see parents who are successful at their chosen careers, kids getting good grades in school, active in sports or other after school activities & their parents supporting such things.

They don’t see what happens behind the scenes, though.  Screaming, raging, sometimes even physical assaults.  Then there are the scathing criticisms said so often that it destroys the child’s self esteem.  There also is the fact that narcissistic parents do their level best to destroy their child’s identity & recreate the child into whatever it is they want.  The child’s personality, likes, feelings & even morals mean nothing to that parent, only what the parent wants is what matters.  While this may not sound so bad to someone who hasn’t experienced it, I can tell you from my own experience & that of others I have spoken to in similar situations, a child in this situation often considers suicide as it feels like the only means of escape.

When the child in this situation grows up, often, that child who is now an adult learns that their upbringing wasn’t normal.  They witnessed other people with kind & loving parents.  They have friends whose parents bought them their first car when they got their drivers’ license instead of fighting them getting a license & car.  Their friends’ parents celebrated when they graduated from high school or college rather than ignoring the accomplishments or finding some way to trivialize them.

Things like this often make this adult child look for answers.  Frequently many abused adult children learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder at this time.

Suddenly, so many things make sense!  The abuse, the belittling, the manipulation, the control.  Then they learn there is almost no hope whatsoever of changing a narcissist.  Explaining that their actions hurt only encourages them to do those things more.

After attempting every tactic they can to make the toxic relationship healthier yet failing, the adult child realizes no contact is the only option.  Even after the realization, it often takes a long time to work up the inner strength to go through with actually ending the relationship with the toxic parent.

Eventually, they do sever ties though.  Suddenly people they know, or barely know, come out of the woodwork to tell them how terrible they are, how they need to fix the relationship, how badly they’re hurting their parents, how selfish they are & more.  The guilt is horrific & people like this make it even worse.

There is also the devastation of betrayal, because most of these people are people you never expected to side with anyone who abused you.  Actually society in general often sides with parents in these situations rather than the children they abused.

People assume estranged children hate their parents, & treat them accordingly when nothing could be further from the truth.  People don’t realize the pain behind going no contact.  They don’t realize the intense guilt or the cognitive dissonance because of doing something so extremely abnormal either.  They don’t recognize the loneliness because not only did you lose your parents but also most of your family & even friends by choosing to protect your mental health.

This is what happens when someone goes no contact with their parents.  This was my experience as well as that of so many others I’ve talked to.  If anyone thinks no contact is easy or taking a cowardly way out, they are utterly mistaken.  It’s the hardest decision I ever made, yet also the best one.

To Those Who Have Gone No Contact With Abusive Parents

Those of us who have gone no contact with abusive parents most likely have heard the same invalidating, nonsensical comments.

• “But that’s your MOTHER!”
• “Your father can’t help it… that’s just how he is!”
• “You need to let what they say roll off your back.”
• “You need to forgive & forget/honor your parents!”
• “You only get one set of parents!”

Statements like this make me cringe.  People who say such utterly moronic comments truly have zero clue what it’s like to be in the position of feeling no contact is the only option left to protect our sanity.

If you have gone no contact, Dear Reader, then this post today is to remind you of some things.

First, no one has the right to tell you how to feel about anything, let alone your abusive parent’s actions.  You know how it feels to you, & that is all that matters.  Just because it may not bother someone else so much doesn’t mean you’re automatically wrong.  It means you two are different.

Second, no one has the right to dictate how you should handle the relationship with your abusive parent.  They aren’t in the relationship so they don’t need to have an opinion on it, let alone share that opinion with you as if it was the Gospel.

Third, just because you are no longer speaking to your abusive parent doesn’t mean you aren’t honoring that parent.  There is absolutely NO honor in tolerating abuse.  See this article for more information: What It Really Means To Honor Your Parents

Forth, you have every right to protect yourself from abuse from anyone, including your own parent.  There is nothing Godly or holy about tolerating abuse.  Nothing.

Fifth, remember that the person saying these things has absolutely zero clue of all the heartache you have endured, all the tears shed, all the prayers & begging God to change things & to show you what to do.  This person is talking out of sheer ignorance, & is NOT someone whose advice you should listen to.

Sixth, many people who say such invalidating nonsense come from their own dysfunctional backgrounds.  You facing your pain reminds them of their own pain that they are trying to ignore.  Seeing you face your pain makes them feel cowardly for not facing theirs.  Or, it threatens their denial.  If they had a decent relationship with your narcissistic parent, you clearly showing the truth about your parent threatens their delusion that your parent is a good person.  Either way, they want to shut you down because of their own issues & lack of courage.

Lastly, if you have doubts about whether or not you’ve made the right decision to go no contact with your parent (which we all do at some point), ask God to tell you.  He will tell you nothing but the truth & it will help you greatly.  Some time back, I was starting to have doubts about being no contact with my mother.  Elderly, widowed & on her own for the first time at almost 80 years old, it’s natural I felt badly for her.  I asked God one morning if I should resume contact.  Immediately, I knew what would happen if I did.  I could see it kinda like a movie playing in my mind.  At first, she was nice & not very demanding.  As time wore on though, she expected me to come by a couple of times a week, then three times a week, then daily.  I would be forced to be at her beck & call, unable to take care of my own family & home, & even my writing would be neglected.  I knew in my heart God was right, & this is exactly what would happen, because it happened before.  My mother’s mother was this same exact way.  Physically & mentally, there is no way I could handle this, plus I can’t allow my calling & family to suffer just to provide someone with narcissistic supply.  God helped me to stay on the right track, just like when He told me it was time to go no contact with my parents in the first place.  He can do the same for you.  All you have to do is ask.

Encouragement For Anyone Who Is Considering Going No Or Low Contact With Their Narcissistic Mother

So much writing you find on the topic of narcissistic mothers says that no contact is the only answer.  Just sever ties with her & your life will be so much better, they say.  While this certainly is true in many cases, there are also many cases where going no contact isn’t a desired solution, or even a possible solution.  Still others know that is their best option, yet don’t feel strong enough to take that step just yet.  Others prefer the limited contact option, as I have chosen, where they only speak to their mothers rarely, as they are able to do so.

Normally, it is those who are either unwilling or unable to go no contact I feel strongest about attempting to help with my writing. Today though, I feel I need to write to everyone who either has gone no/low contact, is considering going no/low contact or who is unable or unwilling at this time to go no/low contact.

There are so many people who have very definite feelings on the contact issue, & love to make those feelings known to you at any opportunity.  They will state their feelings as if they are not simply the person’s feelings, but the gospel truth.  You also may find these opinions on websites or in books.  These views will make you feel a plethora of things, such as doubting your decision, feeling stupid for making the decision you’ve made, feeling guilty & more.

I want to encourage you today to ignore the critics!  Going no or low contact with your narcissistic mother is a very big decision, one that you & you alone should make for yourself after a great deal of thought & prayer.  No one understands exactly how you feel, nor have they experienced the things that you have.  They also have no idea how you cope with the abuse your narcissistic mother dishes out, or exactly how much abuse she puts you through.  Very few people also truly understand how desperate a person is to consider severing ties with or greatly limiting contact with their own mother, or how much pain they have experienced to even consider such a thing.  No contact is far from a black & white issue!

I know it can be very painful when people force their unasked for views on you on this issue, but please please PLEASE- ignore their unsupportive views!  Once you have made your decision on how to handle the contact you have with your narcissistic mother, the absolute last thing you need is people telling you how wrong you are or how poorly you’re handling things. Ignore those people!  Their opinions are NOT facts, so you do not need to be bothered with them.

Instead, follow what you know in your heart is right for you.  I believe those “gut feelings” or intuition are God’s voice telling us what we need to know, so you can’t go wrong if you listen to them, especially listening to them over people who have no idea what they are talking about.