Holidays are supposed to be a time for joy, celebration, & coming together with loved ones. For many people, these traditions create a sense of continuity, nostalgia, connection to their faith, family, or culture. However, there are some who elevate these traditions to a god like status, valuing them above all else. Some covert narcissists become obsessed with doing things exactly a certain way on specific days, & if their expectations are not met, their holidays are ruined. Today, I want to shed light on the dangers of treating traditions as false gods & how this can quickly ruin holidays.
Traditions are an integral part of our lives. They provide a sense of belonging & stability, bring comfort & joy, & strengthen family bonds. Traditions help create cherished memories & reinforce our cultural or religious identity. Many people eagerly look forward to the holiday season because of these traditions.
However, when traditions dictate lives & become rigid rules to follow, they lose their true essence. Instead of fostering love & togetherness, they cause stress, anxiety, disappointment & frustration. Covert narcissists are particularly adept at manipulating these traditions for their own benefit. They place an excessive emphasis on the appearance of working hard for their family or projecting an image of a perfect, happy family. The reason behind the holiday becomes secondary to the performance of the tradition itself.
I have experienced firsthand how covert narcissists can turn holiday traditions into weapons, thanks to my mother in-law. Like her, they demand that everything be done exactly their way, only on specific days they determine, & any deviation from their expectations is met with anger & hostility. They prioritize the external display of a picture perfect holiday over genuine connection, love, & understanding. This not only ruins holidays but also creates a toxic environment that can leave lasting damage.
When holiday traditions become false gods, they no longer serve their intended purpose. Instead of bringing people together, they drive a wedge between family members & friends. The obsession with inflexibly adhering to these traditions naturally leads to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, & resentment for those who can’t or won’t meet the narcissist’s expectations.
Covert narcissists use their performance of traditions as a means to control & manipulate others. They derive power from enforcing their rules & punishing those who dare to deviate. This control extends beyond the immediate family & extends to extended family members, in-laws & friends who are pulled into the narcissist’s web.
Furthermore, when traditions are elevated to god like status, they overshadow the true meaning & purpose of the holiday. Holidays are supposed to celebrate love, compassion, & gratitude, not about meeting demands no matter what & creating a false image of a “big happy family.”
Breaking free is essential for reclaiming your joy & creating meaningful holiday experiences. By creating your own holiday traditions that are flexible & fun, you can take back control over your celebrations & focus on what truly matters.
Reflect on the values & experiences you want to cultivate during the holiday season. Once you have identified your priorities, brainstorm activities that align with those values. Consider involving your loved ones in the process of creating new traditions. Ask for their input & ideas, ensuring that everyone feels heard & valued. Create new traditions that are adaptable & inclusive, allowing everyone to participate & enjoy themselves.
Also remember, there is no law against celebrating holidays on different days. If you must attend a narcissist’s holiday gathering, why not celebrate your own way on a different day without them? My paternal grandparents always had our family celebration on the Sunday after Christmas. It was always a relaxed atmosphere without pressure to attend, & people looked forward to attending it rather than dreading it.
Remember, the goal is to enjoy holidays & foster connection, love, & joy, not to adhere to a rigid set of rules. By embracing flexibility & fun, you can create a holiday experience that is authentic & meaningful for you & your family.
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 
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