If You Allow Your Family To Treat Your Spouse Badly, Stop It!

Imagine marrying the love of your life, the person you want to spend the rest of your days with.  But there’s one problem – your family doesn’t treat your spouse well.  They make snide remarks, ignore their presence, & even criticize their every move. 

Dysfunctional families like to say blood is thicker than water, but when it comes to your marriage, your loyalty should lie with your spouse above them.  Allowing your family to mistreat your partner not only betrays your spouse but also creates a huge divide between you because of betraying your partner in this way

Before we dive into the solutions, it’s essential to acknowledge that mistreatment from family members towards your spouse is a serious issue.  Your spouse deserves to feel loved, respected, & valued by the people who are an integral part of your life.  It’s easy to become blind to these behaviors, especially if they have been happening for a long time or if you’ve grown up in an environment where mistreatment was normalized.

However, it’s important to remember that your spouse is not accustomed to this treatment.  They entered your family expecting to be treated with basic common decency, & hopefully love.  By allowing your family to mistreat your spouse, you are abandoning them for the sake of preserving your relationship with your family.  This betrayal erodes trust & creates a wedge between you & your spouse that undermines the foundation of your marriage.

You need to know that when your spouse expresses their hurt over your lack of concern, it is not an overreaction.  It is a normal response to the pain they feel due to your lack of interest.  Their feelings should be taken seriously, & the situation needs to be addressed.

When your family members mistreat your spouse, it’s crucial to recognize that the problem lies with them, not your partner.  Their behaviors are not only immature but also toxic & even narcissistic.  These behaviors are a reflection of their own issues & insecurities, not a reflection of your spouse’s worth.

Some common toxic behaviors include constant criticism, belittling remarks, exclusion from family events or conversations, or outright hostility.  These actions have a profound & negative impact on your spouse.  As their partner, it is your responsibility to protect them from such harm.

If your family members react negatively when you assert the need for respect towards your spouse, it’s a clear sign that something is wrong with them.  Healthy, loving families prioritize the well being of their members & respect the boundaries set by each individual.  Don’t let them sway you from doing what is right for your marriage.

Remember, you chose your spouse – you fell in love with them, committed to building a life together, & vowed to love, support & protect them.  Your family, on the other hand, is a part of your life that you were born into.  Familial relationships never should come at the expense of your spouse’s well being.

Also remember Genesis 2:24.  In the Amplified Bible, it says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”  It can be difficult to remember with toxic families, but when you get married, you are to create a new family with your spouse.  This means they need to be your first priority after God, not your family.  This means standing up for them, setting clear boundaries with your family, & actively creating a safe & nurturing environment for your marriage.  This may involve having tough conversations with your family members, or even limiting or ending contact with toxic family members who refuse to change their behavior.

Allowing your family to mistreat your spouse is a serious issue that will have lasting consequences on your marriage if it is ignored.  Remember, you chose your spouse, & they deserve to be treated with love, respect, & dignity.  Don’t let your family’s toxic behavior ruin the bond you share with your partner.  Stand up for your spouse, nurture your marriage, & create a happy life together.

Don’t Let Holiday Traditions Become False Gods

Holidays are supposed to be a time for joy, celebration, & coming together with loved ones. For many people, these traditions create a sense of continuity, nostalgia, connection to their faith, family, or culture. However, there are some who elevate these traditions to a god like status, valuing them above all else. Some covert narcissists become obsessed with doing things exactly a certain way on specific days, & if their expectations are not met, their holidays are ruined. Today, I want to shed light on the dangers of treating traditions as false gods & how this can quickly ruin holidays.

Traditions are an integral part of our lives. They provide a sense of belonging & stability, bring comfort & joy, & strengthen family bonds. Traditions help create cherished memories & reinforce our cultural or religious identity. Many people eagerly look forward to the holiday season because of these traditions.

However, when traditions dictate lives & become rigid rules to follow, they lose their true essence. Instead of fostering love & togetherness, they cause stress, anxiety, disappointment & frustration. Covert narcissists are particularly adept at manipulating these traditions for their own benefit. They place an excessive emphasis on the appearance of working hard for their family or projecting an image of a perfect, happy family. The reason behind the holiday becomes secondary to the performance of the tradition itself.

I have experienced firsthand how covert narcissists can turn holiday traditions into weapons, thanks to my mother in-law. Like her, they demand that everything be done exactly their way, only on specific days they determine, & any deviation from their expectations is met with anger & hostility. They prioritize the external display of a picture perfect holiday over genuine connection, love, & understanding. This not only ruins holidays but also creates a toxic environment that can leave lasting damage.

When holiday traditions become false gods, they no longer serve their intended purpose. Instead of bringing people together, they drive a wedge between family members & friends. The obsession with inflexibly adhering to these traditions naturally leads to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, & resentment for those who can’t or won’t meet the narcissist’s expectations.

Covert narcissists use their performance of traditions as a means to control & manipulate others. They derive power from enforcing their rules & punishing those who dare to deviate. This control extends beyond the immediate family & extends to extended family members, in-laws & friends who are pulled into the narcissist’s web.

Furthermore, when traditions are elevated to god like status, they overshadow the true meaning & purpose of the holiday. Holidays are supposed to celebrate love, compassion, & gratitude, not about meeting demands no matter what & creating a false image of a “big happy family.”

Breaking free is essential for reclaiming your joy & creating meaningful holiday experiences. By creating your own holiday traditions that are flexible & fun, you can take back control over your celebrations & focus on what truly matters.

Reflect on the values & experiences you want to cultivate during the holiday season. Once you have identified your priorities, brainstorm activities that align with those values. Consider involving your loved ones in the process of creating new traditions. Ask for their input & ideas, ensuring that everyone feels heard & valued. Create new traditions that are adaptable & inclusive, allowing everyone to participate & enjoy themselves.

Also remember, there is no law against celebrating holidays on different days. If you must attend a narcissist’s holiday gathering, why not celebrate your own way on a different day without them? My paternal grandparents always had our family celebration on the Sunday after Christmas. It was always a relaxed atmosphere without pressure to attend, & people looked forward to attending it rather than dreading it.

Remember, the goal is to enjoy holidays & foster connection, love, & joy, not to adhere to a rigid set of rules. By embracing flexibility & fun, you can create a holiday experience that is authentic & meaningful for you & your family.

What Happens When You Cut Family Out of Your Life

The abuse inflicted by narcissist family members is extremely cruel, insidious & manipulative.  Narcissistic parents, siblings & other relatives engage in manipulation, gaslighting, & control tactics that leave their victims, their own family members, questioning their own worth & sanity.  The prolonged exposure to such abuse will erode one’s sense of self & lead to a deep longing for escape.

Victims of narcissistic abuse frequently find themselves trapped in a cycle of hope & disappointment, desperately clinging to the belief that their family will change.  However, as the abuse continues, they come to the heartbreaking realization that they must prioritize their own well being & break free from the toxic cycle.

Deciding to go no contact with one’s narcissistic family member is intensely challenging & painful, no matter how cruel they may have been.  Deep down, there is a profound recognition that they are still your family, blood relatives who are meant to be an fundamental part of your life forever.  It takes a long time & a multitude of abuses to reach the point where severing ties with your own flesh & blood seems like the best option.  Even then, it requires immense courage to follow through with that decision.

Then there is the challenge of the best way to sever ties.  Talk to them face to face?  Call them?  Write a letter?  Email?  Text?  Or simply walk away, blocking all of their access to you?

Once you take this step & sever all ties, there is also the problem of other relatives either trying to force you to return to the relationship or spewing their hatred of you for treating the narcissist so cruelly.  This is why so many who go no contact with a narcissistic family member also end up losing most if not all of their other family members.

Contrary to popular belief, there also is a great deal of grief that follows the act of cutting family out of one’s life, & often, that grief can be excruciating.  While there is liberation from the abuse, the pain of losing someone you once loved is indescribable.  It’s similar yet different to losing someone to death.  When losing someone to death, there is finality.  Also when someone you love dies, if the relationship was good, although the grief is painful, it isn’t really complicated.  It boils down to you missing someone you love.  Painful of course, but it can be dealt with over time until you reach the point of learning to live without that person’s loving presence in your life. 

When you go no contact with your abusive family member, it involves a very complex mix of emotions that can leave people feeling conflicted, guilty, & lonely.  There is no finality because the family member is still alive.  Yet, you are unable to be with them because of their toxicity.  If you leave near one another, there is also the chance of seeing them at the grocery store, the mall, a restaurant or other public places unexpectedly, which can be extremely shocking & upsetting.

Many people who have not been in this situation fail to recognize these things though. They seem to assume since you chose to end the relationship, you won’t feel sad about doing it.  It’s similar to a couple who gets divorced.  Usually the one who initiated the divorce receives minimal if any support while the one whose idea the divorce was not gets a great deal of support.  It can be hard to find someone who understands how painful it is to end a relationship with an abusive family member who hasn’t ended a relationship with their own abusive family member.

If this describes your situation, please know you’re not alone!  I have been through it, as have countless other people I have spoken to.  There are people out there who understand, will support you & who will pray with & for you.  I have a Facebook group called Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug full of such people.  You’re very welcome to check it out if you like.  If not, there are many other similar groups online & a quick search should reveal plenty of them.  Good support can help you to get through this painful time.  Even more importantly though, God can help you get through & will be glad to do so.  He certainly did me & many others I know personally & have spoken with on this topic.  Pray.. tell Him how you feel & ask Him to comfort & help you.  He absolutely will!

Not Always “The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year” For Everyone

December is often referred to as the most wonderful time of the year, a month filled with joy, love, & festivities.  However, for some, it can be a challenging time.  In December 2014, I posted this comment on Facebook:

“December is a kinda rough month for me. We’ve lost five kitties over the years during the month of December, plus my beautiful Jasmine had her first stroke on Christmas day in 2009.  Yet another reason I don’t like that day.  It’s hard not to get overwhelmed with the sadness sometimes, but thinking about them today, in spite of how painful it is missing those wonderful, beautiful babies, I am so incredibly grateful they were a part of my life.  Bubba, Bob, Vincent, Delta & Doofus were 5 of the sweetest, funniest, most stubborn quirky & awesome kitties I could’ve ever asked for.  I truly have been blessed with some amazing furbabies, past & present.”

Little did I know that one awful cousin would attack my “negativity”, even though I still don’t find that post terribly negative.  Immediately after I posted this, she posted about too much negativity on Facebook & people need to lighten up because it’s Christmas.  I knew this was directed at me because she was already mad at me for not attending her Christmas party.  When my post showed up in my Facebook memories recently, it made me realize the importance of acknowledging that not everyone feels the same overwhelming joy during this season, that it’s perfectly alright to not be bubbling over with holiday cheer, & that we should not let anyone make us feel otherwise.

Christmas is often portrayed as a time of happiness & celebration, where everyone is expected to be filled with joy.  However, life doesn’t always align with these expectations.  December can be a challenging month for more people than you realize.  Bad experiences or losses can magnify during this time, making it difficult to embrace the festive spirit.  Some may be missing loved ones who are no longer with them, while others may be stuck dealing with dysfunctional family or in-laws instead of spending time with those they love most.  Feeling less than ecstatic because of such things during the holidays doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.  We are all unique individuals with different circumstances & emotions, & it’s important to give ourselves permission to feel whatever we truly feel.

The pressure to be cheerful during the holiday season can be overwhelming & can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy.  It’s important to remember that it’s ok not to be ok, & that our emotions are valid.  We should not let expectations or dysfunctional people who try to dictate our feelings make us feel anything other than what we truly feel.

It’s important to remember that the holiday season can bring up a wide range of emotions & some aren’t positive ones.  By sharing our experiences, we give others permission to feel their emotions authentically & remind them that they are not alone in their struggles.

During a time that can be emotionally challenging, it’s crucial to prioritize self care & compassion.  This means allowing ourselves to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment or guilt.  It means taking the time to engage in activities that bring comfort & joy, even if they deviate from traditional holiday customs.  This can involve setting boundaries with family members, celebrating on a day other than the one the holiday falls on or refusing to celebrate at all. 

For those who do try to shame those who aren’t filled with the joy of the season, try instead to extend compassion to others who may not be feeling the overwhelming joy you feel.  Instead of judging or pressuring them to conform, creating a space of understanding & acceptance will go much further, & foster healthy relationships based on love & respect.

It’s important to remember that not everyone experiences overwhelming joy during the holidays.  It’s ok to feel differently, to acknowledge & validate all emotions, & to prioritize self care & compassion.  Don’t allow societal pressures or other people close to you to dictate how you should feel during the holiday season.  Remember, you are ok, & your emotions are valid.

Tips For Managing Narcissistic Family Demands During The Holidays

The holiday season is portrayed as a joyful time filled with love, warmth, & togetherness.  However, for those with a narcissistic family or in-laws, this time of year is incredibly challenging.  Dealing with their demanding & toxic behavior leaves you feeling miserable & overwhelmed.  But there are ways to navigate these toxic situations while maintaining your sanity when you can’t avoid them.

One of the most important steps in managing narcissistic demands during the holidays is establishing & maintaining healthy boundaries.  By doing so, you protect yourself from emotional manipulation & maintain control over your own well being. 

Deciding in advance when you will leave & sticking to it, it enables you to take back control & prevents you from getting swept up in their toxic dynamics by ensuring that you are not staying in an unhealthy environment for too long. 

Narcissists thrive on drama & conflict.  They try to instigate arguments or bring up sensitive topics to get a reaction.  To protect yourself, determine ahead of time which subjects you will not engage in & make it clear that you will not be discussing them.  Change the subject, leave the conversation or whatever you must to avoid discussing those topics.  Remain calm & composed, & you take away their power.  Refusing to show anger or hurt protects your emotional well being & sends a clear message that their attempts to manipulate you will not be successful.

It’s also essential to remember that you have the right to do as you please during the holidays, just like any other adult.  Remind yourself that you have the power to make decisions about how you spend your holidays.  Narcissists try to dictate the schedule or demand your presence at certain events, however, you have the right to prioritize your own well being & happiness.  Remember that their attempts to control the holiday season are just a manifestation of their toxicity, & you do not have to comply.

Narcissists are masters of guilt trips.  They may try to make you feel bad for taking care of yourself or not fulfilling their expectations.  Recognize these guilt trips for what they are: manipulative tactics aimed at controlling your actions & emotions.  Stand firm!    Prioritize your well being & reject their guilt trips. 

Narcissists set up impossible expectations & demand that others meet them, including during the holidays.  Remember that you are not obligated to jump through their hoops.  Instead, focus on creating a holiday season that aligns with your values & brings you joy, no matter what that means to the narcissist.  That is your right!

Narcissists will try to make you feel bad or wrong for not conforming to their expectations.  I was subjected to this repeatedly thanks to my narcissistic in-laws.  One important thing I learned is to remind you are not bad or wrong for choosing a different path from theirs.  Embrace your own values & beliefs, & don’t worry about getting their approval or validation.

In conclusion, by implementing the strategies I mentioned, you can create a holiday season that protects your emotional well being.  Remember, you have the power & the right to take control of your own happiness.

People Who Try To Break Up Marriages Are Treading Dangerous Waters

Marriage is a covenant between a husband & wife, but more importantly, it’s a covenant with God.  Throughout the Bible, we can find numerous passages that emphasize the sanctity of marriage & warn against any attempts to break it apart.  One such passage is Genesis 2:24, which in the Amplified Bible states, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” 

In Hebrews 13:4, it is further emphasized that marriage is to be held in honor by all.  The verse says, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all [that is, regarded as something of great value], and the marriage bed undefiled [by immorality or by any sexual sin]; for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”  This Scripture reminds us that God takes marriage seriously & will judge those who disrespect this sacred institution.

Matthew 19:6 is another powerful reminder of God’s design for marriage.  Jesus says, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.”  These words from Jesus Himself leave no room for ambiguity.  When a couple enters into marriage, they become one flesh, & it is not for anyone to tear that union apart.

Additionally, in 1 Peter 4:15, it is written, “Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or a thief, or any sort of criminal [in response to persecution], or as a troublesome meddler interfering in the affairs of others;”  This Verse warns against meddling in the affairs of others, which includes marriages.  It is a clear reminder that we should not interfere in something that does not concern us.  By crossing this line, we’re going against God’s command.

Everyone must be aware of the dangers that come with attempting to break up marriages.  People who do this are going against God’s will, & causing immense pain to the couple involved.  It is crucial to stay away from anyone who tries to break up our marriage.

It is also essential to discern the difference between offering support & meddling in someone’s marriage.  We must respect the boundaries & privacy of others.  It is crucial for couples to protect their marriage by establishing clear boundaries & remaining steadfast in their commitment to one another.

We must be vigilant in guarding our marriage against any external influences that could potentially harm it.  This includes staying away from individuals who may try to undermine or interfere in our relationship.  When faced with someone attempting to break up your marriage, it is vital to stay grounded in your faith & trust in God’s guidance.

Marriage is a sacred covenant that deserves our utmost respect & protection.  God takes marriage seriously, & we must honor & preserve this institution.  Those who try to break up marriages not only show a great amount of disrespect to the couple but are also going against God’s will.  It is crucial to stay away from anyone who attempts to interfere in marriage & to support & encourage couples in their journey together. 

The Subtle Destruction & Evil Of Too Close Families

Some families are so tightly knit that no outsider can penetrate their bond.  They appear loving, supportive, & inseparable.  However, beneath the surface, this seemingly close knit family is a breeding ground for destruction, ensnaring its members in a web of enmeshment.  Enmeshed families are characterized by their inability to create healthy boundaries, resulting in the exclusion of friends, the shunning of spouses, & the deterioration of marriages.  Today’s goal is to explore the insidious nature of enmeshment, its devastating consequences, & how victims of enmeshed families can break free using the teachings of Christianity.

Enmeshment is a phenomenon that can be so subtle that it often goes unnoticed until it has already wreaked havoc on the lives of its victims.  In enmeshed families, the concept of individuality is sacrificed for the sake of maintaining an illusion of being a happy, loving family.  Friends are few & far between, as the family demands all of its members’ time, attention, & loyalty.  This exclusivity leaves virtually no room for personal growth or the cultivation of meaningful relationships outside the family circle.

When individuals marry into an enmeshed family, they quickly realize that their spouse’s loyalty lies first & foremost with their family of origin.  This dysfunctional prioritization often leads to a tumultuous marriage, with the enmeshed spouse consistently choosing their family over their partner.  As a result, the non-enmeshed spouse feels neglected, unimportant, & constantly competing for attention & affection from their enmeshed spouse.

Enmeshment treats adults like children, stripping them of their individuality & independence.  Every decision, big or small, is subject to the approval & control of the enmeshed family.  This dysfunction stifles personal growth & perpetuates a cycle of dependency & emotional manipulation.  Enmeshment thrives on lies like “family always comes first,” & “No one loves you like your family!” which is contrary to the teachings of Christianity.

2 Corinthians 11:14 reminds us that evil can disguise itself, appearing harmless or even beneficial.  Enmeshment, with its veneer of love & togetherness, is a perfect example of this deception.  Like the enemy Jesus described in John 10:10, enmeshment steals, kills, & destroys the very essence of its victims’ identities, independence, & normalcy. 

Victims of enmeshment often suffer in silence, unaware of the sinister nature of their situation.  They grew up believing that their family’s behavior is normal & that their suffering is a result of their own inadequacies.  However, by recognizing the truth & seeking to break free from enmeshment, they can begin to reclaim their lives & experience the abundant, fulfilling life that God intended for them.

In order to escape enmeshment, victims must question the lies that have been ingrained in their minds.  They must challenge those false beliefs, like family always comes first, & replace them with the truth such as God’s love encompasses all relationships & calls for healthy boundaries.  To do these things, it helps to have a close relationship with God, to read your Bible often & to have Godly, supportive friends who encourage, help & pray for & with you.

The teachings of Jesus emphasize the value of individuality, love, & healthy relationships.  By focusing on these principles, victims can find solace, support, & the courage to take the necessary steps towards freedom such as setting healthy boundaries.

It is essential for victims to understand that breaking free from enmeshment is a gradual process.  Healing takes time, patience, & self compassion.  It won’t happen over night but it will happen.  I did it, with God’s love, support & guidance.

Enmeshment is a truly sinister force that can disguise itself as love & unity.  Never underestimate its evil.  Its destructive power is evident in lost identities, shattered independence, & fractured marriages it leaves in its wake.  To break free from the clutches of enmeshment, victims must embrace the truth, & draw strength from their faith.  By doing so, they can emerge from the darkness & experience the fullness of life that God intended for them.

For more in depth information, check out my book on enmeshment at the following link…

https://books2read.com/u/47VO5E

How Narcissistic In-Laws Sabotage Their Relatives’ Marriages

When you marry someone, you not only gain a partner for life but also a new family.  While some in-laws can be a blessing, others can be a curse.  Narcissistic in-laws fall under the latter category, & their behavior always takes a toll on a marriage.  Today we will explore how narcissistic in-laws try to destroy their child’s marriage & the impact they have on that marriage.

For simplicity sake, we will refer to narcissistic parents, but the information also goes for narcissistic sisters or brothers in-law.

Narcissistic in-laws want to be the center of attention, & they will do anything to stay there.  When their child gets married, they feel threatened by the new addition to the family, unless they see that person as someone they can control easily.  They see their child’s spouse as a rival for their attention, & they will do anything in an attempt to get rid of them.  And, they don’t simply want this person gone.  They want it to appear that person was completely to blame for the failure of the marriage.  That way, they have a scapegoat to blame for anything & everything.

One thing narcissistic in-laws do is undermining their child’s spouse.  They will exclude them, belittle them, make negative comments about them, & criticize their actions, thoughts, beliefs, values & feelings.  They may also make false accusations, spread rumors, & do or say anything to tarnish their reputation.

Narcissistic in-laws also create conflict in their child’s marriage.  They meddle in their affairs, offer unsolicited advice, try to control their decisions & try to control the in-law.  They may also pit their child against their spouse.  They do this by treating the spouse poorly when alone with him or her & treating them well when there are others around so the spouse’s stories aren’t believed. They also tell them different stories.  Pitting the couple against each other is done to create confusion & mistrust in the marriage.  By doing this, they create the chaos & drama that they thrive on.

The impact of narcissistic in-laws is almost always devastating.  When someone is constantly belittled & criticized, it leads to low self-esteem, anxiety, & depression.  The constant conflict & drama also causes the couple to argue, lose trust in each other, leading to communication breakdowns, resentment, & often, divorce.

If the couple divorces, this reinforces their delusion of being the perfect family.  By blaming the failure of the marriage on the spouse, they prove to themselves that they can do no wrong.  They see themselves as the innocent victims & their child’s spouse as the villain, which further justifies their behavior in their minds.

Disturbingly, if the child married then divorced someone the narcissistic family approved of, like someone with money or status, no matter how badly they treated the narcissist’s family member, they keep in touch with that person as a way to prove to that person they are on his or her side.  Their relative becomes the scapegoat for the divorce in this scenario.  Narcissists want to align themselves with anyone they think makes them look good, even if it means betraying their own family members.

Dealing with narcissistic in-laws is incredibly challenging.  The first step is to pray.  When I began asking God for help in dealing with my narcissistic in-laws, I began to cope better with the situation until I was ready to go no contact with them. 

It’s also essential to set boundaries, communicate them clearly & enforce them. 

It’s crucial to maintain a united front with your spouse if at all possible.  Don’t let the narcissistic in-laws come between you.  Communicate openly & honestly with each other, & support each other no matter what.  If your spouse is unwilling to support you & sides with their family, then take care of yourself & get the support you need from God & supportive friends.

Remember, you have a right to a happy & healthy life & marriage, & to protect yourself & your marriage from narcissistic in-laws.

A Common Dynamic In Narcissistic Families: Fear Of Facing The Truth

In narcissistic families, the blame is never placed on the abusive narcissistic parents, but on innocent victims.  This often leads to the selection of a scapegoat, someone who becomes the target of all the family’s frustrations & dysfunctions.  Surprisingly, it is not only the narcissists themselves who choose the scapegoat, but sometimes victims do it as well.  They may prefer to blame a sibling because their parent was not as abusive to them, or they point fingers at someone who married into the family, but they don’t blame the abusive parent.  This blame shifting only perpetuates the cycle of abuse.

As difficult as it may be, it is crucial to face the truth about the toxic nature of narcissists.  In doing so, we can free ourselves from their manipulation & begin the journey towards healing.  As John 8:32 in the New Living Translation says, “And you will know the truth, & the truth will set you free.”

Within narcissistic families, the scapegoat plays a pivotal role in maintaining the dysfunctional dynamic.  They are the ones who bear the brunt of the emotional & psychological abuse, constantly being blamed for the family’s problems.  This role is not assigned randomly or carelessly.  It is carefully chosen by the narcissist & supported by other family members.

By designating a scapegoat, a diversion is created that deflects attention from the narcissist’s abusive behavior.  The family then believes that all their troubles stem from this one individual, thus absolving the narcissist of any responsibility.  Unfortunately, the scapegoat is left to shoulder the burden of both their own pain & the family’s dysfunction.

In spite of the abuse that comes at them from the entire family, scapegoats are often compassionate, sensitive individuals who threaten the narcissist’s control & expose their true nature.  This threatens the narcissist’s ego, leading them to vilify the scapegoat.

I firmly believe this behavior arises from a place of fear & self preservation.  Victims believe that by shifting the blame onto someone else, they don’t have to face the fact that their parents are abusive monsters, & they believe that they can escape the wrath of the narcissist.

For example, one sibling may have been abused less than another.  The one abused more may blame the one abused less for manipulating their parents into treating them better or even “spoiling” them rather than face the fact their parents shouldn’t have abused either of them.

Blaming someone who married into the family is another common tactic used by victims.  They view the newcomer as an outsider, an easy target to blame for the family dysfunction.  By doing so, they are protecting their narcissistic parents by diverting all negative attention onto this person & off their parents’ behavior.  However, this dysfunctional behavior only prolongs their suffering & enables the narcissist to maintain their control.

While it may seem daunting, facing the truth about the toxic nature of narcissists is crucial.  Acknowledging the reality of the abuse & understanding the dynamics at play empowers victims to heal, learn & grow.

When we confront the truth, we reclaim our power, taking it back from narcissists, & begin the process of healing.  We no longer waste our energy trying to excuse the narcissist’s behavior or protect ourselves from their wrath.  Instead, we focus on our own well being & healing.

Remember, the truth will set you free.  By embracing the truth, we can break free from the chains of the narcissistic family dynamic & embark on a journey of self discovery & personal growth.  It may be a challenging path, but the rewards of reclaiming our lives & finding true happiness are immeasurable.

Life With An Enmeshed Spouse

Being with someone who is enmeshed with their family is a miserable experience.  Their family always comes before you, no matter what.  This means that if you are sick & so is your spouse’s parent, they will be the one to receive your spouse’s attention & help, even if their illness isn’t serious & yours is.  If you have plans for a romantic anniversary next Saturday but your in-laws want a ceiling fan installed, that fan gets installed before you can spend time together.

When a person’s spouse is part of an enmeshed family, their family takes up almost all the space in the relationship.  This is ungodly, unbiblical & it’s dangerous to your marriage.  Toxic in-laws & dysfunctional spouses who refuse to see the situation for what it is are responsible for a lot of divorces.  A quick internet search I did suggested 20-28% of divorces are due to in-law problems.

One of the saddest problems of having an enmeshed spouse is how you shrink yourself.  You learn quickly that your in-laws always come first over you, & that asking your spouse to do things for or with you burdens them &/or starts an argument.  Shrinking yourself is a natural side effect of this lifestyle.  You stop complaining because it doesn’t help.  Your spouse soon realizes that you won’t ask them to do things for or with you often, so they have more time to do whatever they want for their enmeshed family.  They also feel validated for their behavior being ok, because you stopped complaining, so they continue to focus on their family.  You also love your spouse so you naturally have no desire to burden them further.  They already have more than enough to do, what with catering to their demanding family, & it’s very obvious that isn’t going to change.  Rather than put more on them, it’s only natural to avoid asking your spouse for things & taking care of everything yourself.  Sadly this well meaning gesture makes a person shrink more & more until they are a shell of their former self. 

Shrinking yourself means losing sight of some pretty wonderful things.

You lose sight of the realization that your life is yours, & no one else should have such power over it.  Your spouse may want to sacrifice his or her life for them, but you don’t have to.

You lose sight of the fact that you have every right to have needs, & expect your spouse to meet some of those needs.  You aren’t wrong, selfish or demanding for wanting to spend time with your spouse or expecting this person to keep you as their top priority.

You lose sight of yourself, & all the wonderful things that make you, you.  You, in fact, lose yourself.  By trying so hard to be a good spouse by not adding any further responsibilities to your spouse, you shrink yourself so much that you are no longer you.  I know, I have done this!  I also can tell you that it’s no way to live.  God made you as He did for valid reasons.  Don’t let that special, wonderful person He made go any longer!  Get that person back!  It will take time & effort, but you can do it with His help!

Also remember, you can’t change your spouse.  They have to want to change & put forth the effort to make healthy changes.  You can set the stage for them to change by having healthy boundaries & giving reasonable consequences for their behavior, but whether or not they change is up to them, not you.  What is up to you is deciding whether or not you are willing to live this way, & if you want to stay with your spouse.

Lastly never forget that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, & courtesy by your spouse.  Wanting such things doesn’t make you demanding, badgering or even “too much.”  It makes you a human being aware of what they deserve.

Being Rejected For Not Tolerating Narcissistic Abuse Is Actually A Blessing In Disguise

Have you ever been rejected by your family & in-laws who despise you simply because you refuse to tolerate narcissistic abuse?  It’s an incredibly challenging & isolating experience.  At first, the rejection may be difficult to accept, but in time, you can realize that this rejection is actually a blessing in disguise.  The people who blindly support & enable narcissists are incredibly dysfunctional & toxic, & their rejection is proof that you are on the right path towards healing & growth.  Losing these individuals from your life opens the door for better people to come in, & with trust in God, you can be certain that He will send good people your way.

As a scapegoat & a victim of narcissistic abuse, I understand just how painful it can be to face rejection from your own family & in-laws.  I want my experience to provide reassurance that you are not alone & that you will survive this experience with grace & dignity. 

When I first experienced the rejection from my family & in-laws for not tolerating their narcissistic abuse, it was so painful & isolating!  The people who were supposed to love & support me turned their backs on me, simply because I refused to accept their toxic behavior.  It showed me that those who blindly support & enable narcissists are themselves dysfunctional & toxic individuals, & more often than not, narcissists themselves.

Over time as I began to reflect on their rejection, I came to understand that their hatred & animosity towards me were not a reflection of my worth or character.  In fact, their rejection was proof that I was on the right path.  People who hate truth & healthy, functional individuals are not the kind of people anyone needs in their lives. 

I also learned that the rejection of such people is not a reflection of anyone’s value as a person.  It’s more a reflection of their envy, insecurity, fear, lack of courage & desire to face truth.  By distancing ourselves from these toxic individuals, we create space for healthier relationships & a more fulfilling life.

During my darkest moments, when I felt completely rejected & alone, I turned to my faith in God.  It was at this time I found Psalm 68:6 in the Amplified Bible.  The first half of this verse says, “God makes a home for the lonely.”  This verse is so true!  He has sent wonderful people into my life who are healthy, functional, kind, caring & a thousand times better than any one of those who rejected me.  They are my family now, even though we aren’t biologically related.

Remember, you are not alone in your journey.  There are others who have experienced similar rejection & have come out stronger on the other side.  Surround yourself with people who understand & validate your experiences.  Seek out support groups or communities where you can share your story, gain strength, & find solace in the presence of others who have walked the same path.

While the initial rejection & loss of family & in-laws may be painful, it is essential to recognize that it is truly a blessing in disguise.  By removing toxic individuals from our lives, we create space for personal growth, healing, & the opportunity to cultivate healthy relationships.  We are no longer burdened by the constant emotional abuse & manipulation that comes with being in the presence of narcissists & their enablers.

Remember, you deserve to be surrounded by love, respect, & kindness.  Don’t settle for toxic relationships just because they are familiar or because they are so called “family.”  Being related by blood or marriage to someone who thinks they have the right to control you & demand that you tolerate abuse is a nightmare.  Having relationships with people God sends your way is infinitely better!  Have faith in the journey ahead & trust that better people are waiting to come into your life.

About Going No Contact With Narcissistic In-Laws

If you’ve followed any blogs or social media pages about Narcissistic Personality Disorder for any length of time, chances are excellent you’ve seen people telling those in relationships with narcissists, “just go no contact!”

I am all for no contact.  It is often necessary to maintain & protect one’s spiritual, mental, physical & even financial health.  That being said though, it isn’t always so easy. 

No contact is a huge challenge for those of us with narcissistic in-laws.  Even when there isn’t any sort of emotional attachment to them on your end, there is an emotional attachment from your spouse who is (unfortunately) related to these people.  Going no contact can be an easy decision for you because of how awfully they treat your spouse & you, but it’s also hard because the decision affects your spouse.  That means it also can drastically affect your marriage.

Having narcissistic in-laws is a very slippery slope.  Ideally, you & your spouse will be in total agreement, that the in-laws are toxic & narcissistic.  Your spouse will protect & support you.  If you want to sever all ties with the in-laws, your spouse is in full agreement, wanting to do the same.  You both go no contact & heal together.  Sadly though, this is very rarely the case.

Frequently what happens is those with a spouse with narcissistic in-laws are alone in their predicament. The spouse is so accustomed to the dysfunction that they think it is normal.  Your ideas & ideals strike your spouse as totally foreign, & even intolerant.   You are seen as the problem because of this.  This dysfunctional view causes discord & division with you & your spouse. 

I am speaking from experience on this topic because I have been there.  It’s not a good place to be.  It’s miserable, horrid & completely unfair.  Yet, it still happens all of the time because narcissists are so good at skewing the reality of their family members, in particular their children. 

If you’re in this situation, I want to encourage you, because I know you need it. 

You do whatever you know in your heart is right in this situation, even if that means no contact with your in-laws.  It’s not going to be easy, because they most likely will make your spouse pay for your behavior.  Seeing the one you love hurt hurts so much more than anything they can do to you, I know. Although it hurts, it can help your spouse to see their behavior clearer, so in the long run, it can be beneficial.

Always do your best to stay calm when discussing the problem in-laws with our spouse.  Openly displaying your disgust for them will trigger him or her to defend them, which will make your situation worse.  It will push your spouse to them & away from you.

Remember, the truth has a way of making itself known.  It may not happen quickly, but it will happen.  Be patient.  Cling to the truth & don’t let anyone convince you of anything else, even that person you love.  Let your spouse see the truth for himself or herself, even if it takes a long time.  That way, he or she can’t blame you for it, saying you manipulated the situation or anything like that.

Always, ALWAYS ask God for wisdom, to guide your words & your timing on discussing the matter with your spouse & to prevent you from saying things that won’t help the situation.  He knows best what will help your situation.  It just makes sense to lean on Him for the help you need, & He is more than willing to provide that help.

When Narcissistic In-Laws Accuse Their Relative’s Spouse Of Controlling Their Relative

From early in my relationship with my husband, I knew my in-laws didn’t like me.   I also got the feeling they thought I controlled him.   I found out I was right in 2002 when one of my sisters in-law raged at my husband about me “stealing him & keeping him from his family.”   She obviously was also speaking for her sister & mother. I also knew just how ridiculous the accusations were.   They were the controlling women in his life, not me.   I didn’t know about Narcissistic Personality Disorder back then so it didn’t make sense why they thought this way about me.   Eventually I learned their behavior with me was typical of narcissistic in-laws, & many other people were in a similar situation to mine.

Narcissistic in-laws often believe that they are the only ones who have the right to control their relative.  They see themselves as the gatekeepers of their family & will do whatever it takes to maintain their power & control.  When they see their relative’s spouse having any say in their relative’s life, they get extremely offended because they see their control over their relative is threatened.

Narcissistic in-laws often accuse their relative’s spouse of controlling their relative to manipulate the situation.  They know that by accusing the spouse they can create doubt & mistrust within the marriage. 

When accused of being controlling, the spouse often starts to wonder if they are being too controlling.  They usually become even more easy going to prove that the accusation is wrong.  This is exactly what narcissistic in-laws want, because it allows them to maintain their control over their relative.

It’s important to remember that when narcissistic in-laws accuse their relative’s spouse of controlling their relative, it’s not about the spouse at all.  It’s about their own need for control & their fear of losing it.  The accusation is just a tool to maintain their power & manipulate the situation.

These narcissistic in-laws cause plenty of tension & mistrust within the marriage.  Their behavior leads to arguments as the spouse tries to defend themselves & the relative often defends their family to the spouse.

Their behavior also can cause the spouse to distance themselves from their in-laws, which can lead to more tension & conflict.  The narcissistic in-laws see this as a victory, as they have successfully driven a wedge between their relative & spouse.  This further reinforces their belief that they are the only ones who can control their family member.

This accusation also causes the spouse to feel isolated & alone, especially when the relative defends their narcissistic family.  They feel that their relationship with their spouse is threatened.  This leads to feelings of betrayal, sadness, anger, & frustration.

If you find yourself in a situation where your narcissistic in-laws are accusing you of controlling your spouse, you can cope with it!  To start with pray, & ask God for guidance.

It’s also important to not react emotionally when dealing with you narcissistic in-laws because any anger from you will reinforce to that family that you are the problem, & you don’t want them to have any more power.  Remembering this accusation isn’t personal or true.  It’s about them wanting control over your spouse.

Give them no personal information.  The less they know about you, the more likely they will lie about you to their relative, & the greater the chances their relative will see their lies.

You also can limit your contact with your in-laws.  This means avoiding family gatherings & limiting phone calls & text messages.  If your spouse disapproves of this, remind them their family has problems you.  Why should you try to have a relationship with them?  It’s ok to prioritize your mental health over your relationship with your in-laws.  I severed ties with my in-laws in 2002, & never regretted it.

If your spouse defends their family & refuses to see anything bad about their behavior, you’re in an especially difficult situation.  Don’t try to convince them of the truth, because that makes them even more protective of their family.  Don’t try forcing them to choose you over their family, because that will make them believe their family is right about you & choose them. 

It’s also important to seek support from safe people who see the truth of this dysfunctional situation, especially if your spouse doesn’t see it.  Neutral people also will help keep you grounded which is so important in such a crazy making situation.

Dealing with narcissistic in-laws who accuse you of controlling your spouse can be a challenging & emotional situation, but you can handle it!

Being Too Close To Your Family Is Unhealthy

Genesis 2:23-24 in the Amplified Bible says, “Then Adam said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, & flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ ²⁴ For this reason, a man shall leave his father & his mother, & shall be joined to his wife; & they shall become one flesh.” These verses show how important it is to grow past the close ties with our family of origin in order to grow up.  Leaving the family’s nest is a vital step in becoming the person God has called us to be.  Today, we will discuss why staying too involved with family can be unhealthy & how to find freedom in God’s will.

It is perfectly normal to love & care for our families.  However, when we are too involved or dependent on them, especially as adults, it can hinder personal & spiritual growth.  Staying too involved with family can lead to unhealthy emotional attachments, unhealthy & unrealistic expectations, stress & strain on all of our relationships.

Additionally, staying too involved with family can prevent us from living our own lives & fulfilling our God-given purpose.  When we prioritize our family’s desires & opinions over what God is calling us to do, we may end up living an unfulfilling life that is not in alignment with our calling.

Finally, being overly involved with our family also hiders our ability to form deep & lasting relationships with other people.  When we are overly focused on our family’s needs, we don’t give ourselves the time or space to develop meaningful relationships systems outside of our family.

When we become more independent from our family, we are able to cultivate a deeper relationship with God, letting Him guide our steps & mold us into the person He created us to be.  We also are able to grow & develop as individuals.  We can explore new interests, engage in personal hobbies, & pursue our passions without feeling tied down by familial expectations.  And, when we establish healthy boundaries with our family, our relationships can improve as family members aren’t so deeply involved in our lives.

We must communicate & enforce our boundaries with family members.  This isn’t always easy, especially if the family members are narcissists, but it’s necessary.  Establishing healthy boundaries is vital.  If your family members are narcissistic, don’t show them any emotion because if you do, they will use that to manipulate you.  Remain calm & firm.  Remind yourself that you have every right to healthy boundaries, & they aren’t harming your relatives, no matter what they might say.  Healthy boundaries are always a very good thing!

Seek support & encouragement from others outside of our family unit.  Connecting with like-minded people can help provide affirmation, guidance, & encouragement to continue pursuing God’s will.  They also can pray for & with you, & they will help to keep you grounded.  All of which will help you to avoid falling back into old, dysfunctional habits. 

Remember, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be an independent adult.  It doesn’t mean you want nothing to do with your family or even hate them.  It simply means you’re a normal person with a normal desire that every single person has. 

The Day After Christmas

Even if I didn’t look at the calender, I still would know when Christmas & Mother’s Day are. The days surrounding both holidays are when my blog & site are the busiest. This year has been no different.

I am no exception to struggling this time of year. You can count on less than two hands how many decent Christmases I’ve had in my entire adult life. Making matters worse is the judgmental things people have said to me because I’m not happy about Christmas like most people. They say things like I just need to get over it & be happy, I need to celebrate the birth of Jesus since I’m supposed to be a Christian & more. <sigh> Got a bit of that nonsense this Christmas too, which is what made me think of writing to those of you who also have been on the receiving end of such treatment simply because of your lack of Christmas spirit.

When a person who has survived narcissistic abuse gets to this point of not wanting to celebrate Christmas, there is almost always a plethora of valid reasons for it. Narcissists love ruining things for their victims, & holidays are no exception. After all, the focus MUST be on them, & if it isn’t, they will make their victims’ life a living hell.

I think my situation was quite normal like this. My narcissistic mother in-law had to have Christmas her way. There was no excuse not to do things her way. Only her traditions were allowed & they had to be done only on Christmas day. Not Christmas eve, not the day after. Christmas day, period. This meant those of us who married into this family weren’t to consider spending the day any other way. Even mentioning the possibility was met with anger, disdain & comments like, “You will be here, right?”. This left me with two yukky options. Spend a miserable day with people who hated me or spend it alone while my husband spent it with them. As a result, I stopped celebrating Christmas many years ago. I did try to find ways to celebrate that I enjoyed or do things for my husband the few times he stayed home, but nothing made me like Christmas as I once did. People criticizing me for not being happy about Christmas just added insult to injury.

If you can relate, I just want to let you know it’s not just you! There are plenty of us out there who have lost interest in Christmas thanks to the narcissists in our lives. If you’re beating yourself up for your feelings, please just stop. Feelings show us when something is wrong, but the feelings themselves aren’t wrong. They just are. Honor your feelings. Feel them & process them how you need to.

Also remember, how you feel doesn’t mean you aren’t a “good Christian.” People created negative feelings in you because of their behavior. That has nothing to do with your faith. Your faith is there, whether or not you have or participate in a huge, fancy Christmas celebration. In fact, something I’ve noticed is many people who do have those huge & fancy Christmas celebrations have no real faith in God. They have the celebrations to keep up appearances or simply because that’s what they’ve always done.

It may help you to create new traditions, even ones that don’t celebrate Christmas per se, like going to dinner or watching your favorite movies. Sometimes those new traditions can help break the bad feelings. Sometimes, they don’t though, & you know something? That’s ok too. Not pleasant of course, but it’s ok. You can’t always help how you feel. Sometimes there was too much damage done, & you can’t fix it. Don’t beat yourself up for that & don’t let anyone else do it either! They aren’t you, & they have no right to criticize you for how you feel! Just take good care of yourself! ❤️

If you have read this & disagree with what I have said, please keep your opinions to yourself. Criticizing the feelings & views of those of us in this situation won’t fill us with Christmas spirit. In fact, it only adds to the negative feelings. I’d just as soon spare my readers from that. Also, I’d like to suggest you take a moment to realize how very blessed you are that you weren’t made to feel this way. That truly is a wonderful thing, & I sincerely hope you appreciate that!

A Way Dysfunctional Families Try To Keep Everyone Close

Most everyone has had a few moments of feeling paranoid, feeling like other people are out to get them.  Sadly, there are those who feel this way due to mental illness.  Schizophrenia is known to make people feel this way, for example.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can do it as well.  Some folks, however, behave in this manner while having no mental illness. 

Consider cases of couples with a child who are getting divorced.  One parent tells the child the other parent is terrible, doesn’t love them & other awful things.  This parent is vilifying the other to turn the child against him or her, which also naturally draws the child closer to the accusatory parent.  This also sets the child up to have what is known as persecutory delusions.

Another common scenario where persecutory delusions happen involves narcissistic families.  They often want their children to stay close to them forever.  One of the ways they try to accomplish this is by using persecutory delusions.  They tell each other that other people are bad, don’t really care about them, no one loves you like family & other untrue things.  This doesn’t stop in adulthood.  When children of narcissistic families marry, often their parents & siblings have no problem showing their disapproval of their new in-law.  They not only treat this person terribly, they let their feelings be known to their adult child.  These narcissists either insinuate or say clearly that this person isn’t good enough to be in their family.  They find ways to convince the adult child of their feelings, even to the point of blatantly lying about the spouse.  Their lies are often completely outrageous.  As one example from my life, one of my sisters in-law once told my husband I “stole” him & keep him from their family.  Nothing could have been further from the truth, yet she was very convicted when she told him this.  Clearly she was trying to convince my husband that her lies were the truth in an attempt to cause us problems or even get us to split up. 

When one person in a marriage has been subjected to this treatment by their family members that facilitates persecutory delusions, it can be incredibly difficult for both parties in the marriage.  One doesn’t want to believe that their family would lie to them, & may believe their family rather than face the fact they are lying.  The one being lied about is going to be hurt not only by the in-laws, but by their spouse who believes the lies.  Couples in this situation can end up divorced because of such toxic behavior.

If you are in this situation, there is hope!  The best thing I know to do is ask God to reveal the truth.  Whether you are the relative being abused or the spouse, the truth is vital to your situation.

If you are the one in this situation, question everything.  Don’t blindly believe what your family tells you.  Just because they are your family doesn’t mean they know everything or have your best interests at heart.  Often family can be the cruelest to their own.  When they say things to you that make you feel others are out to get you somehow, look for the truth & keep an open mind.  Ask yourself what evidence is there that what this person says is happening?  Look for information that either supports or disproves what they say.  If it helps, write things down.  Make two columns, one for things that prove what they say is accurate & the other for things that prove what they say is inaccurate.  Talk to someone you know who is safe, logical & can be objective.  Sometimes an objective third party can give a new perspective on your situation.  

If you are the spouse, then the best piece of advice I can offer is to love your spouse & live in such a way that they can’t help but know that what their narcissistic family says about you makes absolutely no sense.  This will make them question things their family members say, or ideally not believe them at all.  If they somehow don’t question things, ask your spouse to give examples of when you behaved as the narcissists say you did.  When they can’t come up with anything, that will plant doubt in their mind about the validity of their family’s comments.  Also when discussing this topic, remain as calm as possible.  If you show your anger, your spouse naturally will feel they must defend their family.

You can handle this situation, & you will come out of it stronger & wiser.

When Families Are Too Close

Most people consider close knit families to be a good thing.  And they really can be a blessing!  They obviously love & support each other through everything life throws their way, yet everyone still has their own life & a healthy amount of individuality & privacy.  Sometimes however, families become too close.  These families are known as enmeshed, & they are truly toxic.  Families like this have very lax or non existent boundaries, dysfunctional patterns in relationships & they discourage any independence.  Children who grow up with such families end up as dysfunctional adults until they break the chains of enmeshment.

Enmeshed parents are overly dependent on their children.  They rely on their children for emotional support while offering nothing in return.  They also expect their children to share their beliefs, values, to meet their expectations even into adulthood all while ignoring their own & they also expect their children to keep their parents as their top priority during their entire lifetime above anyone else including a spouse, children & even God.  These parents believe their children need nothing from the world beyond their family, & looking to that world is discouraged.  Parents like this also expect their children to maintain the status quo of dysfunction, & are chastised severely if they don’t.  Privacy doesn’t happen between parents & children, meaning any topic is suitable for discussion, any item is considered appropriate for the parents to snoop through (purses, dressers, closets, laundry, etc).  Families like this remind me of the Borg from Star Trek: The Next Generation.  The children are supposed to be concerned of nothing beyond the Collective, in other words the enmeshing parent.  And, if those children opt to marry, their spouse is supposed to be assimilated, also focusing on the Collective.  Any hint of not behaving in this manner is seriously frowned upon & results in shunning, shaming & treating the spouse terribly.

Children who grow up in these dysfunctional enmeshed families have plenty of issues.  They have virtually no knowledge of their own needs, often minimizing or completely ignoring them.  Their goals aren’t their own, but their parents’.  These children never learn how to say no in a healthy way.  They have serious trust issues with other people, & a fear of abandonment in relationships.  They also feel overly responsible, in particular for taking care of their parents.  Possibly the saddest part is children who grow up like this never have the opportunity to make their own choices & mistakes, which are needed to form their own identity.  Without this, these children grow up with low or even non existent self esteem. 

If you recognize yourself in this information, rest assured you can heal from the damage done.  I can’t tell you it will be quick & easy, but I can tell you it is very possible.

I always recommend a close relationship with God because it is of the utmost importance in every area of life.  It is also incredibly helpful with healing from abuse.  (And, make no mistake about it – enmeshment IS abuse!)  Allowing God to help you heal & show you what to do is going to be vital to healing.  He knows best what you need to do & how you need to do it, so let Him show you & give you whatever you need to do these things.

There are some basic things that everyone needs to do to break this enmeshment with family.  You will need to start by setting boundaries.  There is information about this on my website at www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com, so you can start there.  Learning what is & is not your responsibility will be extremely helpful for you.  And, start small, such as not answering a text immediately.  Starting small will help you to gain the confidence to set more & more challenging boundaries in time.

Get to know yourself.  Learn who God made you to be, what you truly like & dislike,  & how to identify your feelings over what your enmeshed parent told you to feel.  To do this, start paying attention to how you really feel about things & don’t judge your feelings. 

Accept that there is no shame in not having your parents as your top priority as an adult.  People need to have God as their top priority, period.  If you are married, your spouse should be your second priority, followed by your children, then your parents. 

Your enmeshed parent isn’t going to like these behaviors, & that is your parent’s right.  You also have rights, including doing what you need to do to be a healthy, functional person!  Don’t let your parent’s disapproval take you off that path!

Do what you need to do to break free of this enmeshment.  It won’t be easy but it absolutely will be worth it!

Narcissistic In-Laws

For simplicity sake, I’m going to refer to the victim in this article as he & the spouse as she, but the roles easily could be reversed.

When you are married to someone with narcissistic family members, your life is full of challenges.  Narcissistic families expect their chosen victim to do as they want, which includes marrying only someone of whom they approve.  When that doesn’t happen, that victim & spouse’s life becomes incredibly challenging.

One common problem in these situations is when the victim doesn’t recognize the level of dysfunction in the family.  He may recognize that his family can be difficult or bossy, but doesn’t see them as the cruel or manipulative people they truly are.  She however, recognizes the depths of the situation.  When she tries to say anything about his family, he becomes defensive.  She gets frustrated, he gets frustrated, an argument happens & nothing gets resolved. 

This scenario is very common, & easily can result in divorce if handled the wrong way.

As tempting as it can be for you if you see the situation clearly, asking your spouse to choice you or his family is never a good idea!  The one who gives the ultimatum usually ends up on the losing end.  The person receiving the ultimatum feels unfairly pressured & manipulated.  On the rare chance the one receiving it goes along with it, he will end up feeling resentful in time.

When you feel you must mention the situation, do so calmly & as non-accusatory as humanly possible.  Anger will make your spouse defensive because he’ll feel as if you’re attacking him & his family.  Try to remain calm & leave emotion out of the situation as much as possible.  Men respond better to logic than emotions, & in this case may feel as if the emotions are less about emotions & more of an attempt at manipulation.  Women in these situations may respond to calmly expressed emotions, however, such as, “I feel like your mom tries to interfere too much in our marriage.  It makes me really uncomfortable.”

Have your own boundaries firmly in place as much as possible with your in-laws.  Don’t let them manipulate you or push you around.  Remain calm when setting those boundaries, so if your spouse sees this happen, he can’t say you were mean or unreasonable.  Your narcissistic in-law will be angry however, & your spouse will see their irrational behavior as you remain calm.

There may be a time when you have to go no contact with your narcissistic in-laws.  This can cause problems in your marriage.  A person still under the spell of their narcissistic family may not understand your reasoning.  If you firmly believe no contact is the best solution in your situation, calmly explain to your spouse that this isn’t you trying to manipulate him or come between him & his family.  Instead, this is what you feel is best for you to do.

Always remember not to have expectations of your spouse where his family is concerned.  Expectations put pressure on him & make his situation even more difficult.  Also, he may resent them, no matter how reasonable they are, which means he will resent you.  This will push him closer to his family & make him pull away from you.

Try to be patient & understanding of the situation.  This is hard, I know, but if you too had a narcissistic family, you understand how hard it is to be under their influence before recognizing what they really are.    

At some point, he is going to get frustrated or angry with his family & need to talk about it.  When this happens, do NOT say anything like, “I told you so!” or, “I always knew she was like that.”  Listen quietly while offering your support.  You can gently state the truth in a matter of fact way. If he asks for advice, give it without being critical. 

Don’t forget to take care of yourself in this situation, too.  Pray.  Write in your journal.  Talk to supportive friends or family who understand your situation for what it really is. 

Last but certainly not least, never ever forget to pray about your situation!  Let God show you how best to handle things with your spouse & toxic in-laws as well as how to take care of your own mental health.  His help is truly invaluable & He will show you the right way to handle the situation!

Narcissists & Gifts

Giving gifts can be a wonderful thing.  It makes the receiver feel loved because someone would listen closely enough to know what gift would make the receiver happy, then spend the time to pick out or even make this gift, spend the time to wrap  it up pretty & all this shows that they cared enough to want to do these things.  The giver is also blessed because there is a great joy in seeing someone’s face light up when they get a special gift that you are responsible for giving them.

With narcissists, this isn’t how this scenario happens.

For one thing, narcissists are notoriously terrible at giving gifts.  To give a good gift, you have to look beyond yourself.  You have to listen to what the receiver says about their needs & wants.  You have to know things about them, such as their favorite color, the size clothing they wear, styles they like, their favorite author or singer.  Narcissists can’t be bothered with those things, so they give gifts that are what they like or think you need.

Narcissists also give you gifts in order to try to make you more like what they think you should be.  Probably in 1999 or so, during a conversation with my mother in-law that took place not long before Christmas, I mentioned that I don’t like to cook, unlike her & her daughters. I didn’t criticize them, just said I didn’t share that with them. For Christmas that year, she & both of my sisters in-law gave me cooking stuff.  Spoons, spatulas, cook books, food & the largest, ugliest pasta dish I have ever seen.  At least I did find a good use for that.  When the roof leaked, in the short time before it was fixed, I used that ugly dish to catch the rain water that leaked into the attic ..lol  Everything else was donated, given to my friends or thrown in the trash.

And of course, in true narcissistic fashion, when they give gifts, the purpose is self-serving.  Giving makes them feel like they are good people.  See how caring they are?  They gave someone a gift!

There also may be another motive when receiving gifts from a narcissist.  They may want something from you.  They may want you to do something for them, so when they ask for you to do that favor, they can say, “How can you say no after I gave you that great gift?”  Gifts come with strings attached.  They may give birthday & Christmas cards with money inside, & in return, you need to help them with whatever needs they have, no matter how ridiculous or the personal cost to you.  It is an unspoken rule many narcissistic families have.

Some narcissists also give to others in the hopes of making themselves appear to be the martyr, taken advantage of by ungrateful people.  This often makes the recipient of the gifts feel as if they are taking advantage of the giver somehow, & they offer to repay the “generous” narcissist.

When it comes to giving gifts to a narcissist, it isn’t really a better scenario. 

Narcissists are impossible to please.  They set these high goals for their victims, then when the victim comes close to it or even reaches it, they say that isn’t what they want, they want something else that is even harder to do.  Nothing their victim does is good enough.  This scenario plays out similarly with gifts.  They may say they want something, but when they receive it, it somehow falls short of their expectations & the giver feels badly.

They also compare gifts.  For example, let’s say you gave your parents a gift certificate for their favorite restaurant for their anniversary.  A thoughtful gift, but not to them.  Instead, they may tell you that their neighbor’s son bought them a 65” television & set it up for them while they were at the grocery store. 

This holiday season, if you are in the unfortunate position of exchanging gifts with a narcissist, I hope you remember what I have said.  They do these awful things because this is just how dysfunctional, abusive & toxic they are.  It truly has nothing to do with you.  When they criticize what you give them, remember the nicer your gift, the more they will criticize it.  When they give you awful gifts or things that they like knowing you don’t like those things, just say thank you… then later, quietly find a new home for that gift.  Maybe a friend of yours could use the item or you could donate to a worthwhile charity.  Or, throw it in the trash!  You’re under no obligation to keep gifts that were given to make you feel badly or that come with strings attached.

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Marrying Into A Narcissistic Family

In families with narcissistic parents, the person who marries into this family is in for quite the adventure.  I learned this from my own experience, but apparently a lot of stories are very similar to mine.  Parents decide immediately whether or not they like the person their son brings home.  That decision is often based on simply ridiculous, trivial things such as what kind of work does she do or where she grew up.  It can be even more ridiculous such as something about her appearance being a problem.  If she is too pretty, if she is over or under weight or maybe she is tall when their family is short.  It also could be simply a matter of differences in personality.  Rather than be polite for the sake of their son, they hate this new woman in his life.  They also demand she respect them while not returning respect to her.  And, their definition of respect is that she be seen & not heard, only doing what benefits the family.  Her needs & wants mean nothing to this family. 

In these situations, the family functions as one unit in an “it’s us against her!” manner.  As I have said before, they remind me of the Borg from “Star Trek: The Next Generation”.  They all function as one, focused only on what the Collective dictates.  In this case, the Collective is usually a narcissistic mother pulling everyone’s strings to make them act according to her whim.  One whim the “Collective” usually has is to tell the son & have others in the family tell him as well what a terrible person this new woman is.  She isn’t good enough, she stole him from their family, she keeps him from them & similar lies are the most common, but some also will say more drastic things she is unfaithful, steals, uses drugs & more.

It never seems to cross their collective mind that this man could get fed up & walk away.  And really, why would it?  No doubt he has tolerated all manners of maltreatment & even abuse at the hands of his family.  They place demands on him like giving them money or otherwise bailing them out of their problems with no thought to how this could affect him, & he does as he is told.  Why wouldn’t he?  This is what he has done his entire life.  Often siblings in these situations call this one mean spirited nicknames his entire life, even as an adult, as an attempt to let him know that he is still a child in their eyes.

Families like this are entitled beyond belief.  They honestly think they are entitled to treat this poor man any way they like.  By default, they believe they are also entitled to treat his significant other just as badly.  They have groomed this man to take any abuse they dish out without complaint, & expect the same behavior from his wife.  If she complains, all hell can break loose. 

At this point, families like this don’t consider anything that led up to the complaints.  They only see the problem at hand, which is someone is setting boundaries on their abuse.  The horrors!!

Sadly, the son in this situation doesn’t often realize how disrespectful & insulting his family is to him. 

His family has no respect or love for him if they won’t at least try to be civil to the woman he loves.  If they did, they would manage basic civility, unless of course that woman was abusive to him.

Clearly his family also thinks he’s stupid.  After all, they expect him not to think for himself, but instead to blindly listen to them regarding his life.  As if he doesn’t know what is best for him or isn’t smart enough to choose a good woman to marry!  How insulting is that?!

It’s a truly sad situation!  If you are in this situation, my heart goes out to you!  I pray you & your spouse can work together to set healthy boundaries with this Borg-like family.  Being clearly a team is the best thing you can do as a couple in this situation.

Dysfunctional Family Holiday Gatherings

During the holiday season, many families get together.  They share a good meal & enjoy each other’s company.  There is no pressure about these gatherings & everyone genuinely looks forward to them.

Then there are the dysfunctional family gatherings.  They are something very different.

On first glance, dysfunctional family gatherings may look the same as their functional counterparts.  Family members get together & share a big meal.  But, that is often where the similarities end.

With dysfunctional families, the stress is terrible.  There is usually intense pressure to show up at the get together no matter what.  Sick?  Who cares?  You aren’t so sick you can’t attend!  Car trouble?  So what?  Figure out how to get there!  You would prefer to spend the day at home or with some friends?  Clearly something is very wrong with you!  No one is as worthy of your time as the dysfunctional family, & the holiday dictator will be highly offended if you even consider spending time with anyone else.  You need to attend this gathering & act like you are happy when you’re there, even if you are miserable.  Your misery means nothing, after all.  This gathering is all about appearances, not about having a good time.

There’s also the dysfunctional clique action.  Some people are going to shun other people or at the very least talk badly about them.  Maybe the other people didn’t bring a large enough casserole.  Maybe their gifts didn’t cost as much as the shunning people think they should have cost.  Maybe the other people weren’t wearing the appropriate holiday attire.  In any case, something will be found to criticize even when there isn’t anything to criticize.

The truth is that very few people genuinely enjoy this get together.  They may dread it but feel no other option is available but to attend & pretend to have a wonderful time. 

So why participate in this gathering at all?  Wouldn’t it just make more sense to do whatever you enjoy on the holidays & forego the dysfunctional family nightmare hoopla?  It would, but few will do that.  There are several reasons why.

One reason is no one wants to anger the holiday dictator.  Doing so can result in guilt trips, anger, &/or shaming.  No one wants this.  Many people think it is simply easier to sacrifice a holiday than to deal with the guilt, anger or shaming.

Another reason is that by participating in these get togethers, it gives the delusion that this family actually is a big, happy, functional family.  They can pretend that everyone gets along & is a “normal” family because after all, they got together for this holiday gathering.  That is a perfectly normal thing to do, so it must prove they are all normal.

When you are aren’t someone who is capable of blindly going along with people’s delusions & denial, these gatherings can be described as nothing less than excruciating.  The fakeness of it all is exhausting & repulsive to those who believe in facing the truth.

When you are faced with these dysfunctional family gatherings, you can cope.  You have choices.

You can choose not to attend.  This decision is a tough one, because those who are in favor of this get together will judge & criticize you harshly for not attending.  Even so, it may be worth it.

You can attend, but with strict boundaries in place.  You can avoid the critics as much as possible.  You also can set a specific time to give to this gathering then leave at the allotted time.

If you attend & the critics start their nastiness, you also can simply say, “Well, isn’t that nice” & walk away.  In the southern part of the United States, that comment is known to be a polite way of saying, “I really don’t care.”   I have said it many times then walked away.  It feels good!  It also tells the critics their opinion means nothing to you. Believe it or not, you do have options during the holiday season.  Exercise them!  It is your right!

Protecting Your Spouse From Your Narcissistic Family

If you are in a long term relationship or are married to someone & at least one of you has narcissistic parents or family members, there is something you should know.  Standing up for your partner to your narcissistic parents is one of the most important things you can do in your relationship.

When a couple makes a commitment to each other, a big part of that commitment is taking care of each other.  Part of that involves not tolerating anyone hurting your partner.  If you stand up to someone on behalf of your partner, you show your partner that this person’s well being & safety are extremely important to you.  You prove that you love that person & will do your best to keep them safe.  This is incredibly good for your relationship! 

Not tolerating someone hurting your partner also shows the abusive person that you are well aware of their actions, & there are consequences for their behavior.  Not doing so only proves to an abuser that they can do anything they want without consequences.  This means that they will continue what they have been doing & in time, their behavior will get even worse.  And, your partner will be left feeling abandoned & alone, which is potentially relationship ending.  No one in a committed relationship should feel that way!

If you struggle with defending your partner to your abusive family members, then please consider a couple of things.

If it is your family that mistreats your partner, this means they are your problem!  It is NOT your partner’s job to deal with your family.  If your partner confronts your family rather than you, your family will be highly upset.  That happens in many families, but especially in narcissistic ones.  Chances are they will tell you what a terrible person your partner is, how he or she isn’t good enough to be in your life or other nonsense as a way to deflect your attention from their terrible behavior.  If you are the one to confront them, they still may try to deflect & criticize your partner, but there is a better chance of them listening to you than your partner!

Also if anyone in your family mistreats your partner, they have absolutely no love or respect for you.  If they had any respect or love for you, they would manage to be civil to your partner no matter how much they disliked this person.  If your partner is abusive to you, any children you share or your family, that is a different scenario.  They should civilly address their concerns with you, be loyal to you & care more about your safety than civility.  However, if the reason they dislike your partner is because of simple differences in personality, your family should manage basic civility at the very least to this person out of love for you.  When you love someone, it’s not that hard to be polite to someone they care about even if you can’t stand that person.  I have done it & while it can be hard to be polite to someone you really dislike, reminding yourself of the person you care about can make this much easier.

Dear Reader, if you are in this position of having someone in your family mistreat or even abuse someone you love, then please consider what I have said.  Protect your loved one!  It will protect their mental & physical safety but also help your relationship!  In fact, protecting your loved one will increase the bond you both share.

When Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents Marry

Often, two people who were raised by narcissistic parents marry each other when they grow up.  Ideally, they understand each other’s past, offer support & help each other cope if their parents are still a part of their lives.  Sadly though, this isn’t always the case.

Sometimes when two adult children of narcissistic parents marry, they learn each person is on a very different page.  One is trying to be healthy while the other remains in denial of just how toxic his or her parents are.  This is hardly an easy position to be in for either person.

If you are in this painful situation, I hope this post can help you today!

To start with, you need to pray.  Ask God for any help you need to cope with the situation, whether it be patience, understanding, wisdom or anything.  Prayer is always the best place to start in any difficult situation, & situations don’t get much more difficult than this one!

Next, you need to accept that you & your partner are in a different place.  Your spouse may never see the truth about their parents.  They also may never see the truth about yours, for that matter.  You can’t change this, so you need to accept that painful truth.

You also need to accept that you can’t change your partner.  As much as you’d like to, you can’t make him or her see the truth.  We all have to face the truth as we are able.  Forcing someone to see the truth before they’re ready isn’t good for their mental health. 

You may need to stop discussing anything about your parents with each other to avoid conflict.  I know this is incredibly frustrating because you should be able to discuss any topic with your spouse.  In an ideal world, that is how things are.  Unfortunately though, when dealing with two fallible human beings, that isn’t always feasible.  If discussing anything about parents causes strife, it may be best to find someone else with which to discuss the problems.  A close friend or relative, your pastor or even a counselor may be a much better option for you. 

If you have issues with your spouse’s narcissistic parent, unfortunately, you can’t expect support from your spouse if he or she doesn’t see that parent is narcissistic.  Don’t expect it from him or her.  I realize this goes against what is natural & is very painful & hard to accept, but you need to do it anyway.  Accepting this painful truth is hard, but it is easier than to be disappointed in your spouse repeatedly.

You also will need to find ways to deal with your narcissistic in-laws on your own, & chances are slim your spouse will approve of how you deal with them.  This is tricky.  There is no way to avoid your spouse’s anger in this situation.  The best you can do is to remain calm when dealing with your awful in-laws & your spouse.  Also be logical when your spouse gets angry.  If he or she says you’re hurting the narcissistic parent, for example, you can say that parent has hurt you too.  Why was that acceptable behavior but you setting a reasonable boundary to protect yourself wasn’t? 

Never forget to take care of yourself & your mental health.  A spouse in denial can be very good at making the healthier spouse feel as if they are wrong, over sensitive or even crazy.  Don’t buy into this gaslighting!  You are doing what is right by facing the truth about your narcissistic parents & in-laws.  Don’t let anyone, including your spouse, convince you otherwise!

Reasons Why Being The Black Sheep Is A Good Thing

When someone mentions the black sheep of their family, the common mental image people get is someone who is very different from the rest of the family.  Maybe the black sheep is the one person in the family who is in trouble with the law or is a surly type.

More often than you would think, this isn’t the case though.  Instead, the black sheep is nothing like their bad reputation.  The only thing they are guilty of is not being like the rest of their family, aka the White Sheep.  In these cases, this is usually a very good thing!

As I’ve mentioned before, I think of dysfunctional families much like the Borg from “Star Trek: The Next Generation.”  The Borg were all alike & only focused on what was best for the Collective.  Individuality was not tolerated.  This is exactly like a dysfunctional family.  Individuality is discouraged & all that matters is the Collective, aka the family. 

Dysfunctional families are the same way, so when a member is different, they aren’t pleased.  They are even less pleased if there is abuse in the family & someone discusses the abuse openly.  It is a guarantee that person will be labeled the Black Sheep, referred to as mentally unstable, oversensitive & more.  Their traumatic experiences will be invalidated or even denied. 

This has been my experience as a black sheep in my family & my in-law family.  The good part though is although it hurt at first, it taught me a lot.

People who treat someone who has been abused this way are cowardly.  They have no integrity either, because they would rather do nothing than stand up for what is right.  I’m glad not to be like them!  I’d rather be a person of integrity who is willing to help others than be a coward!  If being labeled the black sheep means I’m someone with integrity, I’m absolutely fine with the label!

When you consider your situation, chances are good you’ll realize that the opinions of the White Sheep really aren’t important as I did.  Why should you care what they think of you?  Just because they’re family?  That isn’t a good reason!  The only people whose opinions should matter to you are those who genuinely love you & want what is best for you, whether or not those people are related to you.  People who want you to fit inside their little box of what they think you should be, like the Borg, don’t love you God’s way, nor do they want what is best for you.  Why should their opinion of you matter?   Being weighed down by the opinions of other people is exhausting, especially when their opinions of you are so restrictive!  It’s truly a blessing & freeing not to have to worry about such things. 

White Sheep family members often think the Black Sheep of their family has nothing in common with them.  They often are right about that!  That being said though, it doesn’t mean they’re right & you’re wrong.  You’re simply different from them.  Different does NOT equal bad!  That is a very important thing to realize!  Different can be a wonderful thing.  People who think differently invented all kinds of great things, heal others mentally & physically & more.  Besides, the world would be incredibly dull if we all thought the same!

The things that make you unique also could be something that makes the White Sheep envy you.  Did you ever think of that?  They could be labeling you out of simple envy.  Many people do this rather than try to improve themselves. 

Or, they could be too afraid to face their own issues & are trying to shut you down because you facing yours makes them feel badly.  This is something God told me that my own family has done to me.  It’s better in their mind to shut me down than to face their demons.

Whatever the case, I want to encourage you to embrace your Black Sheep label.  Being a Black Sheep requires courage & strength.  Be proud of yourself for possessing such wonderful qualities, & don’t try to please the White Sheep.  You get this one life to live.. you should live it in a way that pleases you, not others.

Holiday Stress

The holiday season is officially upon us, which means those of us with narcissistic parents &/or in-laws are filled with dread.  We know the narcissists in our lives have unrealistic expectations of us every day of the year, but holidays often seem to up those expectations.

My late mother in-law would tell me when I was to be where on which holiday.  She never said the exact words, but it was clear there was no excuse for me not to be there.  The same with my ex mother in-law.  Not obeying meant facing their anger.  It also meant spending the day without my husband & being angry with him for choosing his family over me.  Obeying meant spending the day surrounded by people who disliked me, & me resenting them.  Since many others with narcissistic parents or in-laws face this same scenario, I thought I would share some thoughts on the holidays.

Remember, you are an adult.  You do NOT have to blindly obey your parents or in-laws when they demand you spend a holiday with them.  When you disobey their orders, chances are good they will be upset.  They will try to guilt trip you for not wanting to spend time with “family”, or show their disapproval in some other way such as with criticisms or even the silent treatment (if you’re lucky…).  Remind yourself as often as necessary that you have nothing to feel guilty about.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend a holiday with those you love, such as good friends rather than abusive & mean people

Also, if you want to spend a holiday with someone other than your narcissistic parents or in-laws, you can offer a compromise.  My paternal grandparents always had a big Christmas gathering on the weekend after Christmas.  That way, everyone could spend the day with whoever they wished, yet there was still a family Christmas party.  Why not do the same thing?  Does it really matter what day the day is celebrated, so long as it is celebrated?  Celebrating on a weekend also means many people don’t need to be at work the following day so they can relax more & enjoy themselves.  Since narcissists do things more willingly when they can see it benefits themselves, why not approach it from this angle?  “You won’t have to get up early the next day for work if we celebrate on Saturday instead of Tuesday.  That means you can relax/enjoy the holiday/spend more time with your family & friends.”  I know, many narcissists demand holidays be celebrated only on the exact day.  My late & ex mothers in-law were that way.  But if you approach your suggestion in a way that clearly benefits them, you stand a chance of getting your way.  This isn’t a perfect solution since you’ll still be spending a holiday with narcissists, but it does at least free up the actual holiday to spend however you like.  It’s a pretty reasonable compromise!

If celebrating a holiday on another day is not an option, set a time limit.  Determine ahead of time you’ll only spend 2 hours with them, or whatever time seems reasonable to you, then leave at the end of that time.  Tell the narcissist ahead of time that you only have a short window of time to spend with them, so you must leave by 2:00 or whenever.  No, they won’t like it, but don’t back down!  Stick to what you said, & leave at the set time.

If the demanding narcissist in question is an in-law & your spouse wants to spend the day with the narcissist, so be it.  You can’t make him change his mind.  You can, however, refuse to go.  You can stay at home & watch Netflix all day.  You can spend the holiday with friends instead.  You can create a new holiday tradition to enjoy when your spouse isn’t with you.  Trying to think of it as a day off to spend in any way you like definitely helps diminish & disappointment you feel.

Most of all, never forget to pray about your situation.  God will show you the best way to handle it & help you to get through this difficult time of year.  xoxo

Things A Mother In-Law Wants From Her Daughter In-Law

I came across this really interesting article about what a mother in-law wants in her daughter in-law.  My curiosity was piqued, so I read it.  It got me to thinking just how different a narcissistic mother in-law is from a functional one.  I thought I’d do a side by side comparison of the two based on the article in case anyone reading this is wondering if their mother in-law is a narcissist.

1. A woman who will consider her a friend.  A daughter in-law is nothing more than competition to the narcissistic mother in-law.  Friendship is NOT gonna happen!
2. A woman who makes her son’s life easier.  Seems to me, the narcissistic version of this one is “a woman who has no needs or wants of her own, who waits on her son hand & foot, expects nothing in return & is blindly obedient to the mother in-law.”
3. A woman who shows how much she loves her husband by the way she talks about him.  Never seen or heard anything of the sort from a narcissistic mother in-law.  Seems to me it’s more about actions, like those I mentioned in the last point.  It also seems that in their eyes, their daughters in-law should be seen & not heard.
4. A woman who will be a good listener.  A functional mother in-law & a narcissistic one both want this, I believe, but the difference is the functional mother in-law gladly will return the favor.  Narcissists only return the favor when they think they can learn something to use as ammunition against the daughter in-law at some point.
5. A woman whose faith in Jesus is evident.  I would guess that the only narcissistic mothers in-law who have any interest in their daughter in-law’s faith is those who are concerned about looking good to their church.  And, she won’t hesitate to twist Scripture around to manipulate her daughter in-law.
6. A woman who forgives her past mistakes.  What narcissist admits to past mistakes?  This obviously isn’t important to the narcissistic mother in-law because she doesn’t make mistakes & if by some chance she did, they were the fault of someone else.
7. A woman who helps her navigate the technology-driven, social media-frenzied world today.  I can’t really imagine any narcissistic mother in-law who may want to learn more about technology looking for help from her daughter in-law.  Viewing her daughter in-law as beneath her, why would she ask her for help in any area?
8. A woman who resolves not to see differences of opinions, interference, or interruptions as an intentional dig.  This one may depend on the narcissist.  Some no doubt want blind obedience from their daughters in-law, including never speaking back to them & assuming the best about them.  But there are many others that want their daughters in-law to be angry with them.  That works out very well for the narcissist in question, because she can use this in several ways.  She can use it to prove her daughter in-law is unappreciative, crazy, irrational, or over sensitive.  She also can use this to prove she is the innocent victim of her daughter in-law’s abuse.
9. A woman who gives her credit for the incredible son she raised.  The one area that functional mothers in-law & narcissistic mothers in-law are alike to some degree.  Who wouldn’t want to hear she did a great job raising her son?  Narcissists take it to the extreme though, pretty much expecting to be worshiped for her amazing mothering skills.
10. A woman who doesn’t compete for her children’s love.  If you know anything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you know that narcissistic parents become narcissistic grandparents.  Unlike a nice, normal, functional grandparent, the narcissistic one will expect to be first place in their grandchild’s life.  They also may lie to the grandchild about the child’s parent(s) or tell the child there is no reason to listen to Mom & Dad.  Many even bribe the grandchild with money or gifts to gain that child’s favor.

As you can see, there are many differences between healthy, functional mothers in-law & narcissistic ones.  I hope you aren’t dealing with the narcissistic variety because they are incredibly difficult to deal with at best!

About Toxic In-Laws, part 2

About Toxic In-Laws, part 1

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