One Role Of Denial In Enabling & Excusing Narcissistic Abuse

Denial is a powerful defense mechanism that shields individuals from facing painful truths.  In the case of narcissistic abuse, denial allows people to maintain their perception of their loved one as a good person, despite evidence of their abusive behavior.  They mistakenly think it’s easier to deny or minimize the abuse than to confront the painful reality that someone they once cherished was capable of such evil.

Denial also stems from a fear of the unknown.  Once the abuse is acknowledged, victims & enablers may have to confront the fact that their lives will never be the same.  Leaving an abusive relationship often means dismantling the life they have built, facing financial instability, & dealing with the emotional aftermath of the abuse.  Denial becomes a coping mechanism to avoid the uncertainty & upheaval that comes with leaving an abusive situation.

Denial can be particularly pronounced in cases where the abuser is a family member or most commonly a parent.  Emotional incest between a parent & child, & family loyalty makes it even more challenging for individuals to accept the harsh reality of abuse.  They may cling to the hope that the abuser will change or that their love can somehow fix the situation rather than seeing the abuse for what it truly is.

Victims of narcissistic abuse may also feel embarrassed to admit that they were victimized.  This is particularly true for male victims of female narcissists. 

Society’s perception of male victims of abuse adds another layer of complexity to the issue.  Men are expected to be strong, resilient, & impervious to emotional harm.  This societal stereotype not only undermines the experiences of male victims but also discourages them from seeking help or speaking out about their abuse.  They may fear being judged as weak, foolish, or emasculated, & as a result, suffer in silence.

Also, the belief that women are inherently nurturing & incapable of inflicting harm makes it even harder for male victims to be believed or taken seriously.  Female abusers are very good at hiding behind masks of charm & manipulation, making it easier for them to maintain a facade of innocence.  This deception further isolates male victims, as society fails to acknowledge that women can be just as cruel & abusive as men.

The stigma surrounding male victims of abuse perpetuates a cycle of silence & shame.  Believers in this stigma deny them the opportunity to heal & find support.  It is crucial to challenge these societal norms & promote understanding & empathy for all victims of abuse, regardless of gender.

When someone enables or excuses narcissistic abuse due to denial, it is important to approach the situation with compassion & understanding.  Attempting to force individuals to face the truth prematurely may only deepen their denial.  Instead, offering support, prayer, & empathy creates a safe space for them to process their experiences at their own pace.

As Christians, we are called to love & support one another, particularly those who have suffered abuse.  By listening without judgment, extending a helping hand, & providing support, we can help victims find the strength & courage to face reality. 

By educating ourselves & others, we can promote a more inclusive & compassionate understanding of abuse, recognizing that anyone, regardless of gender, can be a victim.  Breaking the cycle of silence & stigma is vital for empowering victims.

Lies People Believe Rather Than Believing Victims Of Abuse

When a victim of abuse has proof of abuse, such as bruises or broken bones, that person is usually believed.  Sadly, the emotional warfare narcissists dish out doesn’t leave such obvious physical evidence behind, & many victims aren’t believed because of that.  As a result, victims are often re-victimized by people who don’t believe them, & who accuse them of exaggerating, lying, seeking attention or being the abuser who is trying to cover our tracks.  This often includes a victims own friends & family.

The excuses people give as to why they don’t believe a victim may sound plausible, but in reality, they aren’t.  This post shares some commonly used excuses.  I apologize in advance to those who find this post triggering or upsetting!  

“She is too nice.  I can’t imagine this sweet person abusing anyone!”  Abusers hide their cruel activities from everyone but their victim.  By acting “nice” around other people, this protects the abuser’s reputation & makes people believe him or her over the victim.

“This person is a pastor/teacher/ nurse… there is no way he could be abusive.”  Wrong.  Narcissists are drawn to helping professions such as pastor, teacher, & the medical field because people in these fields are admired.  Such positions also offer power over other people.

“But she is so active in the church!  She carries her Bible everywhere she goes!”  Being active in the church & carrying around a Bible doesn’t mean a person couldn’t be abusive.  There are abusive people in every area of life, & that includes in the church.  This role of being “religious” can bring them the admiration they want while protecting their reputation in such a way if their victim speaks out, they often won’t be believed.

“He brags about his kids all the time.  I can’t imagine this person abusing those kids.”  Narcissists have children as yet another means of gaining narcissistic supply.  When people think well of their children, narcissists take it as people thinking well of them, so yes, many narcissistic parents will brag about their children as a way of gathering narcissistic supply.

“She’s your mother!  Mothers always love their children & never would hurt them!”  This is delusional.  While most mothers do love their children, not all do.  The same goes for fathers.  Some people, like narcissists, are simply incapable of loving anyone & this includes their children.

“He’s always nice to me.  He can’t be abusive.”  All this means is the abuser hasn’t let you get close enough to them to see their true self.  They are keeping you at a distance.

“She says you’re lying & she never abused you.”  Seriously.. do you really think an abusive person would accept responsibility & admit being abusive?  Not gonna happen.  If they admit anything happened, you can guarantee they will have excuses or their version will be much different than the victim’s version.

“He never hit her!  That means it’s not abuse!”  So wrong!  Abuse can be more than simply hitting a person.  Abuse also can be manipulating, invalidating, harshly criticizing, destroying a person’s self esteem, or forcing someone to do sexual acts they want no parts of.

“The victim is an angry person.  That doesn’t mean the narcissist was abusive!”  Ok, that can be true.  However, if you know the victim, you will know if this person is generally angry or not.  And, if the victim is just an angry person, chances are super slim that anger will be focused only on one person. He or she would be angry with pretty much everyone.

“They were just not a good match.”  There is a big difference in a mismatched couple & abuse.  A couple who isn’t compatible can still involve good people.  Abusers aren’t good people, period.

“They were toxic for each other.”  If this is the case, both parties involved will admit their shortcomings.  One person will not claim total innocence while the other claims abuse.  They also will work on trying to improve their relationship or mutually agree to end it.  And, if they end it, one person won’t stalk or harass the other.

The next time someone says one of these types of comments to you, I hope you remember this post & it helps you!

Never Justify Or Excuse Narcissistic Abuse

If you’re in the unenviable position of having a narcissist in your life on a regular basis, you have to do all you can to protect your mental health.  Narcissists do their level best to obliterate a person’s self-esteem & sometimes even their sanity.

 

One important way you can protect your mental health is not to make excuses for their bad behavior.

 

It might just be human nature, but people often want to justify someone’s bad behavior.  In many cases, that’s fine.  When someone cuts you off in traffic, maybe he didn’t mean to be a jerk, he was just in a hurry.  When your best friend snaps at you, it’s probably because her stressful job is getting to her- she didn’t mean to hurt you.  Small things like this it’s easy to forgive & forget.  They aren’t a big deal because the chances that person meant to upset or hurt you are virtually non existent.

 

With narcissists however, this isn’t the case.  Their entire existence revolves around getting narcissistic supply in any way they can.  If people are hurt in the process, so be it.  That doesn’t matter to a narcissist.

 

I used to make excuses for the behavior narcissists in my life.  As a child, I told myself my narcissistic mother was simply overprotective, not manipulative & controlling to an extreme.  When my father did nothing to protect me from her abuse, I told myself he just couldn’t do anything.  It’s not his fault.

 

It took me a long time, but I’ve finally accepted the truth- that there is no excuse for narcissists to behave as they do.  They know what they’re doing & if they didn’t, they wouldn’t work so hard to hide their behavior.  They also know the difference between right & wrong- they just don’t care.  Yes, these are some ugly truths, but they are also truths you need to accept about narcissists.

 

Making excuses for a narcissist’s behavior only benefits the narcissist, never a victim.  Excuses show the narcissist that you will tolerate their abuse without complaint & excuse it away.  This basically gives them the green light to do whatever awful things to you they want to do.

 

Excuses also imprint in your mind that you don’t have the right to speak up, that you must tolerate abuse, because the narcissist has a good reason for behaving that way.  This is absolutely NOT the truth, & you do NOT need to believe that it is!

 

Excusing a narcissist’s behavior is basically gaslighting yourself.  You’re lying to yourself, telling yourself the behavior is normal or understandable when it’s anything but.  You get enough gaslighting from the narcissist- don’t add to it by excusing her behavior.

 

Remember, Dear Reader, narcissists abuse for one simple reason- themselves.  They want narcissistic supply.  There is no excuse for that.  Don’t tell yourself otherwise!