When a victim of abuse has proof of abuse, such as bruises or broken bones, that person is usually believed. Sadly, the emotional warfare narcissists dish out doesn’t leave such obvious physical evidence behind, & many victims aren’t believed because of that. As a result, victims are often re-victimized by people who don’t believe them, & who accuse them of exaggerating, lying, seeking attention or being the abuser who is trying to cover our tracks. This often includes a victims own friends & family.
The excuses people give as to why they don’t believe a victim may sound plausible, but in reality, they aren’t. This post shares some commonly used excuses. I apologize in advance to those who find this post triggering or upsetting!
“She is too nice. I can’t imagine this sweet person abusing anyone!” Abusers hide their cruel activities from everyone but their victim. By acting “nice” around other people, this protects the abuser’s reputation & makes people believe him or her over the victim.
“This person is a pastor/teacher/ nurse… there is no way he could be abusive.” Wrong. Narcissists are drawn to helping professions such as pastor, teacher, & the medical field because people in these fields are admired. Such positions also offer power over other people.
“But she is so active in the church! She carries her Bible everywhere she goes!” Being active in the church & carrying around a Bible doesn’t mean a person couldn’t be abusive. There are abusive people in every area of life, & that includes in the church. This role of being “religious” can bring them the admiration they want while protecting their reputation in such a way if their victim speaks out, they often won’t be believed.
“He brags about his kids all the time. I can’t imagine this person abusing those kids.” Narcissists have children as yet another means of gaining narcissistic supply. When people think well of their children, narcissists take it as people thinking well of them, so yes, many narcissistic parents will brag about their children as a way of gathering narcissistic supply.
“She’s your mother! Mothers always love their children & never would hurt them!” This is delusional. While most mothers do love their children, not all do. The same goes for fathers. Some people, like narcissists, are simply incapable of loving anyone & this includes their children.
“He’s always nice to me. He can’t be abusive.” All this means is the abuser hasn’t let you get close enough to them to see their true self. They are keeping you at a distance.
“She says you’re lying & she never abused you.” Seriously.. do you really think an abusive person would accept responsibility & admit being abusive? Not gonna happen. If they admit anything happened, you can guarantee they will have excuses or their version will be much different than the victim’s version.
“He never hit her! That means it’s not abuse!” So wrong! Abuse can be more than simply hitting a person. Abuse also can be manipulating, invalidating, harshly criticizing, destroying a person’s self esteem, or forcing someone to do sexual acts they want no parts of.
“The victim is an angry person. That doesn’t mean the narcissist was abusive!” Ok, that can be true. However, if you know the victim, you will know if this person is generally angry or not. And, if the victim is just an angry person, chances are super slim that anger will be focused only on one person. He or she would be angry with pretty much everyone.
“They were just not a good match.” There is a big difference in a mismatched couple & abuse. A couple who isn’t compatible can still involve good people. Abusers aren’t good people, period.
“They were toxic for each other.” If this is the case, both parties involved will admit their shortcomings. One person will not claim total innocence while the other claims abuse. They also will work on trying to improve their relationship or mutually agree to end it. And, if they end it, one person won’t stalk or harass the other.
The next time someone says one of these types of comments to you, I hope you remember this post & it helps you!