For Those Who Think Narcissists Shouldn’t Have To Face Consequences

As a victim of narcissistic abuse, I have often heard people say that narcissists shouldn’t have to face consequences for their actions.  They argue that it’s not fair to punish someone for being cruel when they have a personality disorder or because they had a hard life or some other equally lame excuse.  However, as a Christian, I believe that everyone is accountable for their actions, regardless of their mental health status.  In fact, the Bible speaks about the importance of consequences & correction.  Psalm 141:5 in the Amplified Bible says, “Let the righteous [thoughtfully] strike (correct) me—it is a kindness [done to encourage my spiritual maturity].  It is [the choicest anointing] oil on the head; Let my head not refuse [to accept & acknowledge & learn from] it; For still my prayer is against their wicked deeds.”

One of the main reasons why narcissists should face consequences for their actions is accountability.  Without consequences, there is no incentive to change behavior.  It’s important for everyone to be held accountable for their actions, not only for the sake of those they have hurt, but also for their own wellbeing & growth.  While narcissists almost never change, at least consequences set the stage for that possibility.

Furthermore, consequences are a form of justice.  When someone does something wrong, it’s only right that they face the consequences of their actions.  This is not about revenge or punishment, but about restoring balance & order.  When a narcissist is allowed to get away with their behavior endlessly, it sends the message that their actions are acceptable.  This is especially damaging to victims who may struggle with feelings of worthlessness or self blame.

Finally, consequences can also serve as a deterrent for future bad behavior.  When someone faces the unpleasant consequences of their actions, it sends a message to others that similar behavior will not be tolerated.  Even narcissists do get that message through consequences sometimes.

As Christians, we are called to forgive others as God has forgiven us.  This can be challenging when dealing with narcissistic abusers who have caused so much pain & trauma.  However, forgiveness does not mean letting go of justice or accountability.  Rather, it means entrusting the situation to God, & releasing the person from expectations of an apology or repaying us for the damage they did.

Forgiveness also does not mean that the relationship with the abuser is automatically restored.  That should require repentance, humility, & a willingness to change.  When a person is not willing to acknowledge their wrongdoing & change, the relationship can’t be restored. 

As Christians, we are called to love all people, including narcissists.  Love is not always about feeling warm, caring feelings, which is good since it’s impossible to feel that way towards anyone who deliberately traumatizes you.  That love can be as simple as praying for them – for God to meet whatever needs they have, to bless them & most importantly, to turn their hearts & minds to Him.  I know how hard this can be, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.  And when it’s hard, tell God!  He knows anyway so just be honest.  I have prayed “I don’t want to pray for them but I know You want me to, so that’s the only reason I’m doing this” many times, & not once was God ever angry with me for it.

At the same time, we must also set healthy boundaries & protect ourselves from further harm.  This means limiting our interactions with them or even going no contact.  Such things are loving & Godly.

Never ever let anyone make you feel badly for giving a narcissist consequences for abusing you. Whether or not the narcissist learns & grows from the experience, at least you have done the right thing by giving them an environment that encourages such things. The rest is up to them.

One Role Of Denial In Enabling & Excusing Narcissistic Abuse

Denial is a powerful defense mechanism that shields individuals from facing painful truths.  In the case of narcissistic abuse, denial allows people to maintain their perception of their loved one as a good person, despite evidence of their abusive behavior.  They mistakenly think it’s easier to deny or minimize the abuse than to confront the painful reality that someone they once cherished was capable of such evil.

Denial also stems from a fear of the unknown.  Once the abuse is acknowledged, victims & enablers may have to confront the fact that their lives will never be the same.  Leaving an abusive relationship often means dismantling the life they have built, facing financial instability, & dealing with the emotional aftermath of the abuse.  Denial becomes a coping mechanism to avoid the uncertainty & upheaval that comes with leaving an abusive situation.

Denial can be particularly pronounced in cases where the abuser is a family member or most commonly a parent.  Emotional incest between a parent & child, & family loyalty makes it even more challenging for individuals to accept the harsh reality of abuse.  They may cling to the hope that the abuser will change or that their love can somehow fix the situation rather than seeing the abuse for what it truly is.

Victims of narcissistic abuse may also feel embarrassed to admit that they were victimized.  This is particularly true for male victims of female narcissists. 

Society’s perception of male victims of abuse adds another layer of complexity to the issue.  Men are expected to be strong, resilient, & impervious to emotional harm.  This societal stereotype not only undermines the experiences of male victims but also discourages them from seeking help or speaking out about their abuse.  They may fear being judged as weak, foolish, or emasculated, & as a result, suffer in silence.

Also, the belief that women are inherently nurturing & incapable of inflicting harm makes it even harder for male victims to be believed or taken seriously.  Female abusers are very good at hiding behind masks of charm & manipulation, making it easier for them to maintain a facade of innocence.  This deception further isolates male victims, as society fails to acknowledge that women can be just as cruel & abusive as men.

The stigma surrounding male victims of abuse perpetuates a cycle of silence & shame.  Believers in this stigma deny them the opportunity to heal & find support.  It is crucial to challenge these societal norms & promote understanding & empathy for all victims of abuse, regardless of gender.

When someone enables or excuses narcissistic abuse due to denial, it is important to approach the situation with compassion & understanding.  Attempting to force individuals to face the truth prematurely may only deepen their denial.  Instead, offering support, prayer, & empathy creates a safe space for them to process their experiences at their own pace.

As Christians, we are called to love & support one another, particularly those who have suffered abuse.  By listening without judgment, extending a helping hand, & providing support, we can help victims find the strength & courage to face reality. 

By educating ourselves & others, we can promote a more inclusive & compassionate understanding of abuse, recognizing that anyone, regardless of gender, can be a victim.  Breaking the cycle of silence & stigma is vital for empowering victims.

The Real Truth About Being The Bigger Person

Abuse comes in many forms, such as physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, spiritual & financial abuse.  Victims of abuse suffer from trauma, anxiety, depression, & other mental health problems.  Unfortunately this is made worse by people who tell victims that they should, “be the bigger person.”  This is such a cruel, shaming statement!  People who say it seem to think it means the victim should be more mature, kind & even Godly.  They say this is admirable, & even proof that someone is what they consider a good Christian.  However, being the bigger person is all about oppressing victims & enabling abusers, & there is nothing admirable, good, or Godly about any of those things.  Being the so called bigger person doesn’t foster love, growth, or maturity.  It encourages abusers to sin & shames anyone who doesn’t encourage such behavior.  It only adds more trauma to those already traumatized.

The concept of being the bigger person places the burden of responsibility on the victim rather than the abuser.  It suggests that the victim should be the one to change their behavior, attitude, or mindset to accommodate abusive behavior.  This is not only unfair but also unrealistic & ineffective.  It’s unfair because the victim did nothing wrong to deserve the abuse, & it’s unrealistic & ineffective because the abuser is the one who needs to change their behavior, attitude, & mindset to stop the abuse.  It’s not only absurd but also dangerous, as it enables the abuser to continue abusing.

Being the bigger person means forgiving & forgetting.  In other words, letting things slide, ignoring abuse, doing anything to keep the peace, & not complaining to anyone about the abuse.  Forgiveness is a Christian virtue, but it doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing the wrongdoing.  It means acknowledging the harm done, expressing the hurt & anger, & choosing to release the offender from the debt of making it up to the person who was wronged.  True forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation or trust if the offender hasn’t shown remorse or tried to make amends.  It also doesn’t mean letting things slide or ignoring abuse.  It means setting boundaries, standing up for oneself, & seeking support. 

Finally, being the bigger person doesn’t prove that someone is a so called, “good Christian.”  Christianity is not about being passive, submissive, or self-sacrificing to the point of self-harm.  It’s about following the example Jesus gave of love, justice, & compassion, which includes standing up to injustice & advocating for the vulnerable & oppressed.  Jesus didn’t tell the woman caught in adultery to be the bigger person & accept the stoning.  He stood up for her, defended her, & challenged her accusers.  Christianity is not about being what toxic people call the bigger person, but about being the person God created us to be, with all our strengths, weaknesses, & struggles.

Being the bigger person is so harmful for victims of abuse.  It adds more trauma to those already traumatized by invalidating their experiences, minimizing their pain, & perpetuating their shame.  Victims struggle with self-blame, guilt, & shame, & being told to be the bigger person only reinforces such things.  It also discourages victims from seeking help & support, because they fear being judged, rejected, or blamed for the abuse.  They also internalize the message that they are not good enough, strong enough, or spiritual enough to handle the abuse, which leads to further shame.

Being the bigger person also enables abusers to continue & escalate their abusive behavior.  Abusers thrive on power & control, & when they sense that their victims are compliant, they feel empowered to do more harm.  They see their victims as weak, vulnerable, or deserving of the abuse, which fuels their sense of entitlement to abuse.  It sends the message that abuse is acceptable by not challenging the abuser’s behavior or holding them accountable for their actions. 

Being the bigger person also perpetuates the myth that abusers can change if their victims are patient, loving, or forgiving enough, which is not only false but also dangerous.

Finally, being the bigger person doesn’t foster love, growth, or maturity.  Love requires honesty, vulnerability, & mutual respect.  Growth requires challenge, reflection, & feedback.  Maturity requires responsibility, accountability, & self-awareness.  Being the bigger person is a sign of weakness, as it avoids confrontation, accountability, & growth.

In conclusion, being the bigger person is a flawed & harmful concept that should not be.  It doesn’t prove that someone is a good Christian, but that they are willing to enable abusers & oppress victims.  The best thing to do is to reject the harmful & toxic message of being the bigger person & embrace the message of God’s love, justice, & compassion.

I Ran Into A Flying Monkey

I absolutely detest flying monkeys.  In my opinion, they truly are the worst of the worst.  They’re sorry excuses for human beings who encourage innocent people to tolerate infinite amounts of all manners of abuse & cruelty & shame them for having any boundaries or self respect.  Recently I had yet one more reminder of exactly why I despise these people.

At the time I’m telling this story, my latest flying monkey interaction just happened about a week ago.  It’s been over 4 years since my mother died & 5.5 years since my father died, yet I had the “pleasure” of dealing with yet another one of their flying monkeys. 

My husband & I were going out.  He was waiting in the car & I had just come out my front door.  A woman was walking along the sidewalk in front of my home.  She said “Cyndi?”  My guard immediately went up, because no one other than the couple of family members I speak with & anyone who knew my parents call me that instead of Cynthia.  Anyway, I said yes… can I help you?  She told me her name & I knew who she was.  Her daughter & I went to school together.  She seemed ok at first, even said I looked good, but my guard was still up anyway because you just never know.  She then asked how my mother was & I was shocked.  I told her she passed over 4 years ago in April, 2019.  She then mentioned Dad dying too & I said yes, he died in 2017.  She said Mom told her I wasn’t speaking to them, which I felt was very inappropriate.  I just said that was true.  She said Mom also told her I went to the hospital when Dad was dying when no one was around.  I was surprised & said no.  She said a cemetery employee told my mother that.  Very strange & it surprised me, which is why I said what I did.  Being so surprised, my guard slipped a bit.

She went on to say that she did things for Mom all the time.  Suddenly her story changed to helping her out a couple times.  This conversation was making me more & more uncomfortable.

Then this person said her husband died a couple months ago.  I said I was sorry to hear that.  If she would like to chat or needs anything, I kept my parents’ phone number, so just call.  My gut feeling was that she wouldn’t call, so I felt very safe saying that.  She said, “Oh thanks but I don’t have the number.  Besides, I have great kids.”  I waited a moment, sincerely hoping she’d realize how hateful this comment was & apologize.  No surprise, she didn’t.  I simply said, “Well ain’t that nice.”  For those of you who don’t know, that is a Southern woman’s nice way of saying either, “I don’t give a ****” or “Go **** yourself.”  Both fit my mood at that moment.  She didn’t reply.

She went on to ask me what I was doing with the house & I said I don’t know yet.  NOT her business, so even if I had known, I wouldn’t have told her.  She said Mom would be proud of me living there so I just said thanks in the hopes of shutting her down.  Then we parted ways.

Since this interaction, I’ve been angry.  I’m not really mad at her specifically anymore.  At least I know now to stay away from her, which is good to know.  I’m absolutely furious how people can be.  If you go no contact with a parent, people almost always assume you’re a spoiled brat or a selfish horrible person who hates your parents.  You’re treated like a pariah who deserves everything bad in life.  Yet, if you maintain the toxic relationship, that is applauded.  It’s absolutely backwards!  Severing ties with any abuser, even parents, should be celebrated & supported, not shamed, but that’s not how things are.  This has infuriated me for years, but then learning that even years after narcissists died that their flying monkeys still have no problem being their awful, heartless selves just made me even angrier.

I hope sharing this story will help you somehow.  Apparently there isn’t an end to flying monkeys doing their thing, so it may help you to remember that.  Also, no matter how well you handle the situation, they most likely still are going to upset you at some point, because that is just what they do.  If you are considering no contact with your narcissistic parent, keep in mind this sort of thing will happen to you too.  I don’t mean to make you reconsider no contact by telling you that.  It’s just a simple warning so (hopefully) you’ll be prepared for it when it happens.  Lastly, remember… no matter how wrong or delusional flying monkeys are, it’s their right to think as they do.  There’s also no point in trying to open their eyes to the truth when they are so convinced they’re right.  Rather than try, responding with “well ain’t that nice” can be quite helpful.  Saying that sounds polite, but you know what it really means & that can be so satisfying when said to awful people like this!

When Children Aren’t Allowed To Say No

Narcissistic parents are notorious for not allowing their children to have any boundaries.  They have no problem going through their children’s personal belongings or even breaking or getting rid of things their child uses or loves.  Children are allowed no privacy, & some narcissistic parents go as far as removing their bedroom doors.  Possibly the worst thing narcissistic parents do is refusing to allow their children to say “no”.

Narcissistic parents are too self centered to realize or even care that by not allowing their children to say no, they are teaching their children some pretty terrible lessons.  When children learn that saying no is bad & not allowed, this teaches them that others can treat them however they wish.  This opens the door for other wicked people to abuse these children.  It also sets these children up for a life of misery because they don’t believe they have the right to say no to anyone, no matter what.  They also believe that they have to say yes to everyone & everything, & that obviously is a huge problem!

Children need to feel safe knowing that there won’t be any repercussions if they say things like, “No”, “Stop doing that,” “Don’t touch me”, “That hurts”, “I don’t agree with you” & “I won’t do that.” 

When a child doesn’t experience this ability to set reasonable boundaries, they can turn very submissive.  Their boundaries become very blurred.  They change their likes, dislikes, views, etc. depending on the company they keep.  They lose their individuality.  They do above & beyond what is reasonable for other people, even to the point of enabling terrible behavior.  They tolerate way too much, including abusive behavior, because they don’t believe they have the right to do otherwise.

When a person grows up not allowed to say no, the fear of what could happen can become paralyzing, & they literally can’t say the word no.  This fear happens because of many possible reasons.  Some of those reasons might be the fear of hurting other people’s feelings, fear of someone’s anger, fear of being punished, fear of abandonment or the fear of being seen as selfish, bad or even ungodly.  This fear also can happen because a person is too hard on themselves, & if they say no, they judge themselves very harshly.  They condemn themselves as horrible people, so they don’t say no in order to avoid feeling that way.

If you recognize this as your behavior, you’re not alone.  This is so common among children of narcissistic parents.  The good news though is that you can make healthy changes.

I always recommend starting with prayer in any situation, & this one is no different.  Asking God for help is never a mistake.  Also ask Him to show you the truth about where you end & others begin, what you should & shouldn’t tolerate, how to start setting healthy boundaries & anything else you need help with.

Also start paying attention to how you feel.  Does it bother you when someone expects something from you?  Why does it bother you?  If it feels unfair since they don’t ask others to do as much as you or they want you to do something they could do themselves, that is very reasonable!

Start small!  Start by not answering your phone if you don’t want to talk to the person calling or something like that.  The more you gain confidence in smaller boundaries, the more it will help you to go on to bigger ones.

Know people are going to be upset with you for your new boundaries.  Rather than being hurt by this, think of it this way.  Safe, good people will be happy for you & encourage you.  Only toxic people are offended by reasonable boundaries.  Seeing toxic people for who they are may be painful, but it’s also a good thing.  It shows you who you need to remove from your life.  And, removing them allows more time & energy for those who truly deserve that from you.

Having good boundaries won’t happen over night, but it will happen.  Just stay with it!  You can do this!

Another Reason People Side With Abusers

I’ve discussed why people side with abusers many times over the years since I began speaking out against narcissistic abuse.  It seems like there are countless reasons for this despicable behavior & God shows me more & more reasons for it as time goes on.  He has shown me yet another reason, & that is what I plan to discuss today.

I know many people think there is no point in understanding this type of behavior.  It’s terrible & that is the end of it in their minds.  If that works for you, then feel free to skip this post.  Some of us have learned that understanding the motives of others helps us to recognize we aren’t to blame & that the abuse perpetrated on us isn’t personal.  It’s about the incredible dysfunction of other people.  Being this type of person, I want to share my discoveries when I learn about what makes people behave so badly.

I was thinking about something.  My in-laws tend to side with people who treat their family members badly & reject others who are good to them.  That has baffled me for years.  At first, I thought it was simply about their dysfunction.  Maybe they just couldn’t recognize healthy behavior.  They also hate what is different from them.  Getting out of one’s comfort zone can be painful, after all.  Something else occurred to me though, & I think it is a very common way people think.

People can succeed in making abuse seem normal or even acceptable by siding with abusers & shaming victims.  If they can do that, they can make the victim seem wrong for being traumatized.  If abuse is normal, & the victim is traumatized by something normal that proves the victim is the problem, not the abuser.  This works well for both abusers & their enablers.

This works well for abusers because that means they don’t need to have any remorse for their abusive deeds.  If abuse is normal, there is no reason to feel badly about doing something normal.  That would be like feeling badly for buying a loaf of bread.  There also is no reason to stop the abuse if it is normalized.  Abusers can keep on doing whatever they want to do to their victims when that happens, because it is simply normal.

Siding with abusers also works well for abuse enablers, because when the abuse is normalized & acceptable, it means they don’t have to feel guilt for failing to help or protect the victim.  Siding with abusers by acting as if victims are wrong helps abuse enablers feel like they are ok, they are normal, while also making them feel that victims are the wrong & awful ones by being upset for no good reason.  In this mindset, victims are wrong so these enablers have no reason to feel badly for how they have treated victims.

The next time someone betrays you by siding with the narcissist in your life, please remember that their behavior is more about their own shortcomings & dysfunction than it is about you.  Don’t allow them to make you feel badly for being abused.  The only people who should feel badly about your situation are your abuser & the cowardly people who enable the abuser.  Don’t carry their shame!  Be proud of yourself for surviving what you have survived!

Identifying Flying Monkeys Verses Those Who Are Duped By Narcissists

Enabling Is NOT Loving!

It seems to be a common false believe that giving someone everything they want, enabling them to do anything they want without consequences is loving & even Godly behavior. 

So many people I spoke with in my family were downright cruel to me because I wouldn’t see my father at the end of his life in 2017.  The barrage of phone calls, social media messages & emails was intense.  I barely read any of the messages, because after reading a couple, I knew how incredibly toxic the rest would be.  I thought it wiser to protect my mental health by saving the messages without reading them as evidence for police if I opted to take that route.  Anyway after my father’s death, I learned that because I refused to say goodbye, he finally turned to God!  In spite of my fears it wouldn’t happen, my father gave his heart to Jesus at the end of his life, & is now in Heaven.  (That story is on my website at: http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com if you’d like to read it)

While none of us knew it at the time, me not saying good bye to my father was for his benefit.  My family clearly thought I was a cold hearted witch who stayed away out of spite.  I knew in my heart God wanted me to stay away & going would have had terrible consequences, but I didn’t know any further details.  Me not going made him reach out to God for the first time in I don’t know how long.  If I had gone, I firmly believe he wouldn’t have turned to God.  So as strange as it may sound, not saying my final good byes to my father was the most loving thing I could do in that situation.

Although many situations are different, the basics are similar.  Someone wants you to do something that you know is not in their best interest.  It may even cause you pain or problems to do that thing, yet it is expected of you to do it.  If you do it, your actions are applauded & if it caused you problems, those problems ignored.  If you don’t do it, you’re criticized & even shamed for being selfish or unreasonable. 

This is utterly WRONG!

Yes, it’s good to do for other people.  Some people genuinely need help & sometimes you are exactly the right person to give that help.  But doing anything a person wants isn’t always a good thing.  Look what 1 Corinthians 10:23 says:

All things are lawful [that is, morally legitimate, permissible], but not all things are beneficial or advantageous. All things are lawful, but not all things are constructive [to character] and edifying [to spiritual life].  (AMP)

1 Corinthians 6:12 is similar & just as informative:

Everything is permissible for me, but not all things are beneficial. Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be enslaved by anything [and brought under its power, allowing it to control me]. (AMP)

Just because you can do something doesn’t mean it’s for the best that you do it, either for you or for someone else.  People who are accustomed to getting everything they want are spoiled, entitled, selfish & often feel that they don’t need God.  By saying no sometimes, it actually benefits people.  They learn to be more self sufficient, they don’t become entitled, selfish jerks.  And yes, they may recognize everyone’s need for God in themselves.    

Maybe situations in your life aren’t as dire, but still, if you know that doing something for someone isn’t in their best interest or yours, don’t do it!  The good will far outweigh the bad!

Why Flying Monkeys & Narcissistic Enablers Aren’t As Innocent As They May Appear

Flying monkeys & enablers are, to put it bluntly, a real pain in the neck (or a bit further south..lol) for those of us who have suffered narcissistic abuse.  They are the ones who defend the narcissist & criticize you for being so mean or unreasonable.  If they are the other parent, they not only fail to defend their child, but attempt to make themselves look like the victim, expecting the child to defend them to the other parent.  In their senior years, they also often look for reassurance from their child that they were a good parent.

 

Narcissistic enablers & flying monkeys often appear to be naive, blindly believing in the narcissist’s lies, or afraid of the narcissist.  The truth is very few people are genuinely this naive.  Many of these people are covert narcissists.

 

Covert narcissists aren’t so bold as their overt counterparts.  They don’t like being in the spotlight, but they still want attention & admiration as much as an overt narcissist.  They simply go about getting it in quieter ways.  They can appear the martyr, the long suffering if they’re married to an overt narcissist.  “She must be such a good, patient woman to put up with him,” people may say.

 

Covert narcissists have no problem throwing their children under the bus in order to protect themselves from the overt narcissistic spouse.  They will lie about their child to their spouse in order to divert the spouse’s anger from them.  They also allow the spouse to abuse their child without protest, then later claim there was nothing they could do to stop the abuse.  This can garnish them sympathy & reassurance, even from the child.  That provides these monsters with their coveted narcissistic supply.

 

Other flying monkeys may not be narcissists, but they are still guilty & abusive.  They don’t have the courage to stand up to the narcissist.  They’re intimidated by her, & find it easier to obey than to speak up.

 

They may be afraid of retaliation from the narcissist.  Overt narcissists can be terrifying when they go into a rage, & covert narcissists can make a person feel incredibly guilty.  Many people would rather go along with what the narcissist wants to do than to face either situation.

 

There are still other flying monkeys who believe the narcissist’s lies.  These foolish people don’t question the narcissist.  Yet, they aren’t innocent either, as the Bible speaks against gossip:

 

• 1 Timothy 5:13 “And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.” (KJV)
• Proverbs 20:19 “He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips.” (KJV)

 

The fact people listen to such gossip speaks plenty about their character.  They are foolish because they don’t question what they hear, & those with good character don’t share gossip.

 

As a victim of narcissistic abuse, not only do you need to be on your guard against narcissists, but also their enablers.

 

You can recognize these irritating people quickly by their behavior.  Normal, healthy people don’t side with someone who is obviously abusive.  They may not begin a huge public protest, but they at the very least say, “That’s wrong.”  They realize that neutrality only helps the abuser, not the victim.

 

Healthy people also question things, they don’t blindly believe what they are told.  If something sounds outlandish, unbelievable or even just “off,” most people would question the person stating such things.

 

If someone is a true friend, & the narcissist wants that person to socialize with her, then the person will decline.  They will make it clear that they are on the victim’s side, not the abuser’s.

 

True friends don’t interact with the narcissist when possible.  If this happens in a work situation for example, it may be hard to avoid her 100%, but a true friend will avoid that person as much as possible.