Behaviors In Relationships You May Not Know Are Actually Abusive

In any relationship, both parties should feel valued, respected, & supported.  When subtle signs of abuse begin to emerge, it can be challenging to identify them, leading to potential emotional damage. 

One of the fundamental aspects of a healthy relationship is a mutual give-and-take where both individuals’ needs are considered important.  One subtle sign of abuse occurs when one person consistently prioritizes their needs over the other’s, even when they know doing so hurts the other person.  This imbalance leads to feeling neglected & resentment, & can lead to the end of the relationship.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which one person denies their actions or alters reality to make the other person question their perception of events.  This insidious behavior naturally leads to confusion, self doubt, & a sense of powerlessness in the targeted victim.  This distorting the truth undermines the victim’s trust in their own judgment.

Controlling behaviors in a relationship can manifest in subtle ways that may not be immediately apparent.  For instance, a manipulative person may forbid their partner from engaging in activities that do not benefit them or insist on actions that serve their own interests, even knowing the behavior will hurt the victim somehow.  This form of control often is done under the guise of care, making it not appear abusive when it truly is.

Another abusive dynamic often involves constantly changing expectations that leave one person feeling inadequate & insecure.  The manipulator may set unattainable standards or move the goals to ensure that their partner never feels good enough.  This abusive behavior greatly damages a victim’s self esteem.

Criticism, when used constructively, can help people to grow & improve.  However, when criticism becomes a tool for manipulation & control, it has detrimental effects.  An abusive, manipulative person may criticize the other person in the relationship relentlessly while claiming it is attempt to help.

In an abusive relationship, one may find themselves walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring their words & actions out of fear of the other’s reactions.  This atmosphere of tension & apprehension stifles communication, breeds anxiety, & erodes self esteem.  The fear of setting off an unpredictable or disproportionate response also leads to emotional suppression & detachment.

Another subtle sign of abuse is when one person consistently minimizes or dismisses the other’s feelings.  By labeling their feelings as oversensitive or irrational, the abuser undermines their validity.  This invalidation will create a sense of isolation & self-doubt in the one whose feelings are being disregarded.

Blame & shame are often used as tools of manipulation in abusive relationships.  The manipulator may shift responsibility onto the other for issues that are not their fault, leading to guilt & self blame.  By shaming the other person for natural emotional responses or perceived shortcomings, the abuser maintains control & diminishes their partner’s confidence.

Affection is a crucial component of a healthy relationship, providing emotional support & intimacy.  However, abusers use affection as a form of manipulation.  They may withhold affection as a punishment for not complying with their desires or overwhelm their partner with affection when they behave in a desired manner.  This conditional display of love undermines genuine emotional connection.

Recognizing the subtle signs of abuse in relationships is imperative for maintaining emotional well being & fostering healthy relationships.  By being aware of subtle abusive behaviors, people can identify potential red flags & take steps to protect themselves. 

The Impact Of Enmeshed Mothers On Men

Enmeshment occurs when a mother fails to establish healthy emotional boundaries with her child.  She treats him more like a partner than her child, expecting him to care for her instead of the other way around.  This toxic & abusive behavior leads to a tremendous amount of dysfunction that continues into adulthood.  Today, we’ll focus on how it affects men specifically.

For men with such mothers, carrying the deep insecurity enmeshment causes becomes the norm, affecting their relationships in profound ways.  Any perceived threat of abandonment terrifies them, & even the slightest criticism wounds them to the core.  As a result, they lash out, pushing people away.  It is vital for men to recognize the truth of their toxic upbringing & acknowledge the abuse inflicted upon them so they can begin the journey towards healing.

Enmeshed mothers use love & affection as a tool for control, leaving their sons in a constant state of uncertainty.  These mothers intertwine their lives with their sons’, blurring the lines between their own identities & those of their children.  This manifests in various ways, such as excessive emotional dependence, over involvement in their sons’ lives, & a lack of boundaries.

Within this suffocating environment, a man’s sense of self becomes intertwined with his mother’s approval & love.  He learns to constantly seek validation from her, never sure if he will receive it.  This insecurity seeps into his relationships, & he does not trust that others genuinely care for him.  The fear of abandonment or rejection becomes consuming.

Enmeshed mothers are extremely manipulative.  She uses guilt or passive aggressive tactics to keep her son close, ensuring he remains dependent on her.  This manipulation makes the son’s insecurity grow, making him increasingly vulnerable to her control.

The insecurity instilled by an enmeshed mother has a profound impact on a man’s ability to form & maintain healthy relationships.  The fear of abandonment & rejection makes his need for constant validation overwhelming.  No one can meet such a need, & when they fail, he becomes disappointed with them. 

Enmeshed mothers naturally hate their son’s wives, viewing them as competition, so they often make matters worse by insulting her to him & treating her very badly.  This  creates problems within the son’s marriage.

Also, any perceived criticism, no matter how minor or how gently said, wounds these men deeply.  They react with anger or defensiveness.  This defensive behavior further distances them from their partners, leading to conflict & emotional withdrawal.

Many partners decide to leave, & the fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces the man’s belief that he is unworthy of love & incapable of maintaining relationships.

Recognizing the truth about enmeshment is essential for victims of enmeshed mothers.  They need to understand that the shame lies with the mother for the abuse she inflicted, not with the son.  Accepting this truth allows men to shed false guilt & begin their healing.

Prayer is absolutely vital on this journey.  God knows more than any human, & can help victims like no one else can.  He has helped & taught me more than I can describe on my healing journey, & will do the same for anyone!

Seeking therapy can teach men to set & maintain boundaries, establish their own identities, & build a foundation of self worth that is independent of their mothers’ opinions.

Online communities or support groups can help men learn & heal from the abuse as well as find friends who understand. These connections also remind men that they are not alone.  I have a Facebook group called “Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug” with several members who have experienced exactly this situation.

Men who grew up with enmeshed mothers face unique challenges in their relationships due to their abusive upbringing.  However, healing is possible.  There is no shame in admitting the abuse.  The shame lies solely with these toxic mothers.  It is time for these victimized men to reclaim their identities & break free from the chains of enmeshment.

“But They Seem So Nice!”

If you ever ended a relationship with a narcissist, only to have others question your decision by saying, “But they seem so nice!”, you’re not alone.  It can be frustrating & disheartening to hear these remarks, especially when you know the truth about the narcissist’s behavior.  Don’t let anyone’s words convince you otherwise.  You have seen their true colors & know what they are capable of, even if others cannot see it.

Narcissists are masters at wearing a “good person” mask in front of others.  They go to great lengths to appear charming, kind, & considerate to those who are not their victims.  By presenting this false image, narcissists ensure their victims’ claims are met with skepticism & doubt.  However, their apparent niceness does not reflect their true nature.  Beneath the surface, they possess the need for power, control, & admiration.

When you think about the narcissist in your life, you may recall moments when they seemed genuinely kind & caring.  Perhaps they showered you with compliments, bought thoughtful gifts, or expressed empathy for your struggles.  These actions were not genuine displays of goodness but calculated moves to manipulate your emotions & keep you under their control.

Narcissists are experts at studying their victims & identifying their vulnerabilities.  Once they gain insight into what makes you tick, they use this knowledge to exploit your weaknesses for their benefit.  They know that by being kind & attentive, they can gain your trust, making it easier for them to manipulate & control you in the long run.

So, when others say, “But they seem so nice!”, remember that they have only witnessed the narcissist’s carefully curated act.  They have not experienced the abuse you endured.  Your firsthand knowledge of the narcissist’s true nature is far more valuable than the opinions of those who have been duped by their facade.

As a victim of narcissistic abuse, you have a very unique understanding of narcissists.  You have experienced their toxic behaviors firsthand.  While others see only a charming & charismatic individual, you see the darkness beneath their surface.  You have experienced the pain & turmoil caused by that darkness, & your perspective is valid.

Remember, narcissists are experts at portraying themselves as victims or deflecting blame onto others.  They will attempt to convince those around you that you are the problem, not them.  But you know the truth.  Avoid those who don’t believe & support you.

When dealing with narcissists & the people who have fallen for their “good person” act, setting & enforcing boundaries becomes particularly crucial.  It’s essential to establish clear limits on what you will & will not tolerate in your relationships. 

Building healthy boundaries means saying no to toxic behaviors & people, standing up for yourself, & surrounding yourself with people who respect & appreciate you for who you are.  Remember, you deserve to be in relationships that are full of only with kindness, empathy, & respect.

When others question your decision to end a relationship with a narcissist based on their apparent niceness, don’t let their doubts sway you.  You have seen the truth, & you know the extent of the narcissist’s manipulation & abuse.  Trust your instincts, & believe in your own experiences.  Trust yourself & your own experiences.  Set healthy boundaries to protect yourself from further harm.  Most importantly, remember that you deserve to be in relationships only with people who treat you with kindness, empathy, & respect.  Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise – you know the truth, & that is what matters.

Being The Fixer In A One Sided Relationship

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you’re constantly the one trying to fix things?  It’s an exhausting & emotionally draining place to be.  The truth is, a healthy relationship should never be one sided.  Both individuals need to put in the effort, compromise, & show each other love.  In this blog post, we will explore the detrimental effects of one sided relationships & why they rarely work in the long run.

Being the fixer in a relationship means that you’re always the one putting in the effort to make things right.  You may find yourself constantly forgiving the other person’s mistakes, overlooking their bad behavior, & making excuses for them.  It feels awful, like you’re carrying the weight of the relationship on your shoulders alone. 

Being the fixer often means that you’re compromising your own needs & desires for the sake of the relationship.  You may find yourself constantly putting the other person’s needs first, while your own take a back seat.  This imbalance leads to resentment & feeling unappreciated.

Constantly trying to fix things also often leads to a cycle of enabling bad behavior.  By always swooping in to clean up the mess or make excuses for the other person, you’re inadvertently sending the message that their actions are acceptable.  This can perpetuate a dynamic where the other person feels entitled to continue their harmful behavior without any consequences or responsibility.

In a healthy relationship, both individuals actively work on the relationship & put in effort to make it thrive.  It’s not the sole responsibility of one person to fix everything or carry the burden.  Love & commitment should be a two way street.

When both individuals are willing to work on the relationship, compromise becomes easier.  Each person’s needs & desires are taken into consideration, & both partners actively seek solutions that benefit both parties.  This creates equality & mutual respect, fostering a healthier & more fulfilling connection. It also strengthens the bond between them.  The shared effort & commitment create a solid foundation of trust & understanding.  It becomes a partnership where both people can rely on each other & feel secure in the knowledge that they are both invested in the relationship’s success.

One sided relationships have severe consequences for the person who is constantly giving too much.  They struggle with feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, anger, resentment & mental health issues such as anxiety & depression.  Constantly trying to fix things & change your feelings about bad behavior definitely takes a toll on your mental & even physical well being.

One sided relationships rarely work in the long run.  The person who is always on the receiving end becomes complacent & take the other person for granted.  They come to expect the constant fixing & giving without putting in any effort themselves.  This creates an unsustainable dynamic that is bound to crumble over time.

It’s essential to recognize the signs of a one sided relationship & take action to address the imbalance.  Communication, boundaries, & self care are crucial in navigating these situations.  Remember, you deserve a relationship where both individuals are willing to work on it, compromise, & show each other love.  Don’t settle for anything less.

Understanding Shame Based Trauma Responses

Shame based trauma means growing up in an environment where every mistake, every flaw, & every aspect of your true self was met with shame & ridicule.  Whether it was through emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, the shame inflicted during formative years leaves a lasting impact on adult lives.  Healing is possible, but it takes some time & learning who we are as children of God. 

Overthinking is a common response to shame based trauma as it becomes a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from any possible abusive reaction.  Constantly analyzing every situation & anticipating potential negative outcomes allows us to stay one step ahead, or so we believe.  However, overthinking is exhausting & detrimental to our mental health.

When we have been shamed for even normal aspects of ourselves such as appearance, personality, or interests, it becomes ingrained in our psyche that we must constantly be on guard.  We second guess our decisions, replay conversations in our minds, & obsess over every detail.  Overthinking becomes a way to avoid potential shame & criticism, but it also keeps us trapped in a cycle of self doubt & anxiety.

To break free from overthinking, it is crucial to challenge shame based beliefs that fuel this response.  Learn to question these beliefs, & ask God to tell you the truth about them, rather than simply accepting them.

Another common response to shame based trauma is over apologizing.  When we have been shamed for the most basic aspects of ourselves, we develop a deep fear of conflict & a desire to avoid further abuse.  Apologizing excessively becomes a way to deescalate situations & minimize the chance for conflict.

However, this constant need to apologize can be detrimental to self esteem.  It reinforces the belief that we are inherently flawed & responsible for the actions of others.  Over apologizing also can lead to feelings of resentment or frustration in our relationships.

To overcome over apologizing, it is essential to recognize that we have a right to take up space, have & express needs, & set boundaries.  Building self confidence & assertiveness skills can help us find a balance between acknowledging our mistakes & taking responsibility, without unnecessarily apologizing for who we are.

Shame based trauma can also impact our ability to trust ourselves & others.  When we have been shamed for not meeting unrealistic expectations or for failing to blindly trust those who hurt & abuse us, we begin to doubt our intuition & judgment.  This leads to being too trusting as a defense mechanism, as we fear the consequences of not trusting others.

Being too trusting leads to further abuse & exploitation.  We find ourselves repeatedly drawn to toxic relationships or falling prey to manipulators & abusers, leading to repeated disappointment & betrayal.

Rebuilding trust in ourselves & others requires healing & learning.  It involves recognizing & validating our own emotions & intuition, setting healthy boundaries, & surrounding ourselves with only safe, supportive & trustworthy people. 

After a lack of healthy bonding to abusive parents, it is natural to experience anxiety in connecting with others.  The innate human desire for connection remains, but the fear of being hurt or rejected becomes deeply ingrained.  This fear can manifest as social anxiety, fear of intimacy, or difficulty forming & maintaining relationships.

When we have been shamed for the most fundamental aspects of ourselves, we may struggle with feelings of unworthiness & a belief that we are inherently unlovable.  This makes it challenging to trust others & reveal our true selves, as we fear being met with further shame & rejection.

Overcoming this anxiety requires self compassion, healing & exposure to safe people.  It is also important to remember that we are not defined by our past experiences & that we have the capacity to form healthy & fulfilling connections.

Shame based trauma responses have a profound impact on our thoughts, behaviors, & relationships.  However, through getting to know who God says we are, self awareness, & healing, we can break free from these patterns & cultivate a life filled with self acceptance, healthy boundaries, & meaningful connections.

Setting Boundaries VS Stating Feelings

Human beings are called to love others & show compassion, but it’s also important to recognize our own worth & set boundaries when necessary.  While stating our feelings may help express our emotions, setting boundaries is crucial to protect our well being & maintain healthy relationships. It’s important to know the correct way to set boundaries, so today we will discuss the difference between stating our feelings & setting boundaries.

When someone says or does something that hurts us, it’s natural to want to express our feelings & let them know how their actions have impacted us.  Stating our feelings allows us to communicate our emotions & helps the other person understand the consequences of their behavior.  For example, we might say, “It hurts me when you talk to me like that.” By expressing our feelings, we create an opportunity for empathy, understanding, & potentially resolving the issue.

However, stating our feelings alone may not always lead to a change in behavior or a resolution, especially when the person hurting you is a narcissist.  While it is normal to want to express our emotions honestly, it is equally crucial to take it a step further & set clear boundaries, especially with narcissists.

Consider an example where someone consistently speaks disrespectfully.  We might say, “When you talk to me like that, it hurts me.”  While this statement conveys our emotions, it fails to set a boundary that can prevent further harm.  By solely stating our feelings, we leave the door open for the disrespectful behavior to continue.  The other person may not fully comprehend the impact of their words, & if the person is a narcissist, they get a thrill when their victims admit to feeling pain over something they have said or done which means they will continue to engage in that behavior.

Setting boundaries is about clearly defining what is acceptable & what is not.  It also involves stating the consequences if those boundaries are violated.  For instance, in the previous example, instead of merely expressing hurt, a boundary can be set by saying, “If you continue talking to me disrespectfully, I’m going to leave.”  By setting the boundary, we communicate that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable & establish a consequence for crossing that line.

Boundaries empower us to take control of our well being & protect ourselves from harmful situations.  They serve as a guide to others, showing them how we expect to be treated.  Setting boundaries is not about being selfish or mean spirited as some dysfunctional people think.  It’s about valuing ourselves & promoting healthy relationships.

As Christians, setting boundaries is especially important as we strive to love others as ourselves.  Jesus himself demonstrated the importance of boundaries in His interactions.  He set boundaries when necessary, even with His closest disciples, to maintain healthy relationships & support His mission.  Setting boundaries creates an environment where love, respect, & understanding thrive.

Recognizing the difference between stating our feelings & setting boundaries is essential.  While expressing our emotions is a valid & necessary part of communication, setting boundaries ensures that our emotional well being is protected.  It is important to know when to move beyond stating feelings & take appropriate action to establish boundaries.

Every situation is unique, & there is no one-size-fits-all approach to setting boundaries.  The appropriate action may vary depending on the severity of the situation, the dynamics of the relationship, & our personal boundaries.  Trust God, trust your instincts & prioritize your well-being.

As victims of narcissistic abuse, it can be even more challenging to differentiate between stating feelings & setting boundaries.  Narcissistic individuals manipulate & invalidate emotions, making it difficult to express ourselves authentically.  However, by understanding the difference & learning how to set healthy boundaries, we can establish healthy boundaries.

In conclusion, while stating our feelings allows us to express our emotions, setting boundaries correctly is crucial.  As Christians, it is important to love others, but we must also recognize our own worth & establish boundaries when necessary.  By differentiating between stating our feelings & setting boundaries, we can create an environment of respect & understanding.  I encourage you to be brave in expressing your emotions & in setting boundaries, honoring yourself & those around you.

My Latest Venture

I decided some time back to try creating courses. I looked into what many online courses on all topics involve, thought & prayed about what I learned. So far, I have created two, but look forward to creating more. The current courses are called, “Rediscovering Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse” & “How To Develop Healthy Boundaries.”

My courses are all downloadable. They consist of written lessons with corresponding fillable .pdf forms (makes them easy to complete on your phone, tablet or computer or print out). So many folks who follow my work have told me that they, like me, learn best from reading over video or audio. I’d rather write than make either video or audio any day so that works for me!

Below is the link to these new courses. I hope you’ll check them out. I plan to add more over time so check back often.

Also, I’m offering them at a discount from now until the end of the year.

By the way… I’ve never created a site with a shopping cart & downloadable anything before. It looks like everything works ok, but I’m not 100% sure. If you find any problems, please let me know! Just email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com Thank you!

Cynthia’s Courses

A Subtle Sign Of Control No One Warns You About: Not Being Willing To Work On The Relationship

Imagine being in a relationship, & everything seems perfect at first.  But, as time goes on, you notice your partner isn’t willing to work on the relationship or address any problems.  If you mention problems, he or she always starts a fight.  They know their behavior hurts you, yet they refuse to make any changes.  They even make excuses for their actions, deny any wrongdoing, & minimize the harm they’ve caused.  All of these are red flags that indicate someone expects to be in control of the relationship.

This behavior has a significant impact on your emotional well being.  Being in a relationship where your needs are constantly put on the back burner (if they even make it onto the stove at all!) & invalidated is detrimental to your self esteem. 

Instead of addressing issues or concerns, controlling partners sweep problems under the rug, start fights & avoid taking responsibility for their part in any problems.

A partner who consistently avoids working on the relationship works hard to create a situation where they hold all the control.  They dictate the terms of the relationship, & their partner is left feeling powerless & voiceless. 

Their refusal to work on the relationship also leads to unresolved conflict.  Without open communication & a willingness to address problems, the relationship becomes stagnant & filled with tension. 

Another subtle sign of control is when a partner consistently excuses or denies their harmful behavior.  They downplay the impact of their actions, dismissing their partner’s feelings & invalidating their pain.  This gaslighting is extremely manipulative & aims to make a person doubt their own reality.

Excusing or denying their dysfunctional or even abusive behavior allows a partner like this to maintain control over the relationship.  By refusing to acknowledge the harm they’ve caused, they avoid taking responsibility & are able to continue their controlling behavior without consequence. Toxic partners want those in relationship with them to believe that having needs means they’re demanding or, “too much”.  However, having needs is normal & healthy in any relationship.  You deserve to have your needs met & to feel validated in your emotions!

In a healthy relationship, both partners should have an equal amount of space & be able to depend on each other.  When someone expects to be in control of the relationship, they want your needs to be on the back burner, prioritize their own desires & expect you to be ok with it. That’s so wrong!

Controlling individuals also want you to believe that depending on another person is a sign of weakness.  They discourage those in relationship with them from seeking support or leaning on them for emotional support as a way to exert their control over the relationship & prevent healthy dependencies.

Humans are made to need & serve each other.  God designed relationships to be a partnership where both individuals rely on each other for support, love, & understanding.  No one, even including parents, children, should come before one’s spouse.

Recognizing when someone is unwilling to work on the relationship, excuses or denies their behavior, minimizes the pain they inflict, & expects others to put their needs on the back burner are all clear indicators that they desire control.  It’s normal & healthy to have needs, & you should never feel guilty for taking up space in a relationship.  You deserve to be heard, validated, & supported. 

About Continually Incompetent People

Have you ever encountered someone who always seems to conveniently forget how to do certain tasks?  They claim ignorance & helplessness, leaving you to pick up the slack.  These individuals are often covert narcissists.  Whether or not they are narcissists, they are using a manipulation tactic.  It is essential to recognize such behavior & protect ourselves from falling into their trap, so today we’ll discuss ways to do just that.

Covert narcissists are skilled at masking their true intentions behind a facade of vulnerability & helplessness.  They often pretend not to know how to do something, creating an opportunity for others to step in & take charge.  By doing so, they not only avoid tasks they don’t want to do, but they also gain a sense of power & control over those who willingly take on the responsibilities where they feign incompetence. 

One of my friends aptly described this behavior as “weaponized incompetence.”  It is a form of manipulation that capitalizes on others’ willingness to help & serve.  By making others believe they lack the necessary skills or knowledge, covert narcissists can manipulate them into doing their bidding. 

Covert narcissists are adept at playing the victim, & weaponized incompetence is one of their most effective strategies.  They use it to exploit the compassion & empathy most people possess.  This tactic typically unfolds in three distinct phases: feigned ignorance, manipulation, & reinforcement.

Firstly, the covert narcissist will pretend not to know how to perform a specific task or solve a problem.  They may act helpless, seeking assistance from others who possess the necessary skills.  This initial display of incompetence is carefully calculated to elicit sympathy & draw people into their web of manipulation.

Once they have successfully roped someone into helping, the covert narcissist proceeds to manipulate the situation to their advantage.  They may offer half hearted attempts at learning or make excuses for their incompetence.  This manipulation aims to shift the responsibility entirely onto the willing helper, making them feel indispensable & fostering a sense of obligation to continue assisting the narcissist in the future.

Lastly, the covert narcissist reinforces this behavior through positive reinforcement.  They shower the willing helper with praise & gratitude, further cementing their role as the reliable problem solver.  By doing so, the narcissist ensures that the helper remains under their control, ready to step in whenever they feign incompetence again.

It is so crucial to be aware of manipulative tactics such as weaponized incompetence.  Recognizing this behavior enables us to protect ourselves from being manipulated & controlled.  Following are some strategies to help safeguard against falling into the trap:

Trust your instincts: If something feels off or too good to be true, listen to your feeling.  Covert narcissists try to exploit kindness, so be vigilant & trust your instincts when something doesn’t seem right.

Set & enforce strict boundaries: Covert narcissists thrive on blurring boundaries & taking advantage of others.  By setting boundaries, you protect yourself from being manipulated & ensure your resources are used wisely.

Develop discernment: Cultivate discernment through prayer, self reflection, & seeking input from wise people.  Understanding the difference between genuine need & manipulative behavior is crucial in avoiding being controlled in this way.

Practice self care: Prioritize self care & nurture your own well being.  Covert narcissists feed off the energy & attention of others.  By taking care of yourself, you gain the wisdom & strength to recognize & resist their manipulative tactics.

It is so important to maintain integrity & discernment, ensuring that kindness & willingness to help are not exploited by those who seek to control & manipulate.  Remember, God calls us to serve & love one another genuinely, but that does not mean we should tolerate anyone using us.  

Growing Up With A Raging Parent Does A Lot Of Damage

The fear & uncertainty that come with living with a raging parent have profound effects on a child’s development & outlook on life.  Today we will explore two distinct ways in which these effects can manifest. 

In homes with raging parents, children often learn that their voice holds no weight, leading them to stop speaking freely & trusting others.  They witness their parent’s explosive reactions to the slightest provocation & quickly realize that expressing their thoughts, feelings, or needs only results in more anger.  As a result, they become hesitant to open up to anyone, fearing that they will face the same wrath they experience at home.  This silence can manifest in various ways, such as withdrawing from social interactions, avoiding personal conversations, or even muting their own desires & dreams.  They try to avoid their parent & risk upsetting them, so they often spend a lot of time alone in their room. 

Living with a raging parent instills a deep sense of mistrust within a child.  They learn that confiding in their parent during times of need or distress is futile & may even worsen the situation.  This lack of trust can have long lasting effects on their relationships, making it difficult for them to form deep connections or rely on others for assistance.

Furthermore, children living with raging parents often try to shrink themselves, both physically & emotionally, to avoid triggering their parent’s anger.  They learn to walk on eggshells & become hyper-vigilant, always on the lookout for any signs of potential outbursts.  This constant state of tension & fear leads to feelings of anxiety, low self esteem, & a distorted sense of self.  They may become overly submissive, accommodating, & try to be invisible, believing that their only chance at survival lies in appeasing their raging parent.

On the other end of the spectrum, some children who grow up with raging parents respond by mirroring the same behavior.  They internalize their parent’s anger & unleash it onto others, including their abusive parents, disregarding the consequences.  These children develop a defiant attitude, believing that fighting back is the only way to regain control & protect themselves from further harm.

Their rebellion may extend beyond their interactions with their parents.  They may seek solace in the company of individuals who share their destructive tendencies, finding comfort in the chaos they create together.  These relationships often perpetuate the cycle of abuse, leaving the child trapped in a web of toxic dynamics & unhealthy coping mechanisms.

For these children, their parent’s rage becomes a catalyst for their own destructive behavior.  They engage in risky activities, challenge authority figures, or act out in school.  This rebellion is an attempt to regain a sense of power & control, even if it comes at the expense of their well-being.

Lastly, some children who grow up with raging parents experience a combination of the two scenarios.  They may appear quiet & submissive for a significant period of time.  However, there comes a breaking point where they can no longer bear the weight of their parent’s anger.  Suddenly, they rebel.

During this rebellious phase, they may seek solace in the wrong crowd, gravitating towards individuals who validate their anger & provide an outlet for their pent up emotions.  These relationships often lead to further harm & reinforce negative patterns of behavior.

This combination effect is a rollercoaster of emotions, swinging between silence & rebellion.  It reflects the internal turmoil that these children experience, torn between their need for safety & their desire to break free from the cycle of abuse.  This was my experience & I can tell you, it is very painful to go through!

Growing up with a raging parent can have profound & lasting effects on a child’s life.  It is crucial to recognize & address these effects to break the cycle of abuse & provide support to those who have endured this suffering. 

The Subtle Destruction & Evil Of Too Close Families

Some families are so tightly knit that no outsider can penetrate their bond.  They appear loving, supportive, & inseparable.  However, beneath the surface, this seemingly close knit family is a breeding ground for destruction, ensnaring its members in a web of enmeshment.  Enmeshed families are characterized by their inability to create healthy boundaries, resulting in the exclusion of friends, the shunning of spouses, & the deterioration of marriages.  Today’s goal is to explore the insidious nature of enmeshment, its devastating consequences, & how victims of enmeshed families can break free using the teachings of Christianity.

Enmeshment is a phenomenon that can be so subtle that it often goes unnoticed until it has already wreaked havoc on the lives of its victims.  In enmeshed families, the concept of individuality is sacrificed for the sake of maintaining an illusion of being a happy, loving family.  Friends are few & far between, as the family demands all of its members’ time, attention, & loyalty.  This exclusivity leaves virtually no room for personal growth or the cultivation of meaningful relationships outside the family circle.

When individuals marry into an enmeshed family, they quickly realize that their spouse’s loyalty lies first & foremost with their family of origin.  This dysfunctional prioritization often leads to a tumultuous marriage, with the enmeshed spouse consistently choosing their family over their partner.  As a result, the non-enmeshed spouse feels neglected, unimportant, & constantly competing for attention & affection from their enmeshed spouse.

Enmeshment treats adults like children, stripping them of their individuality & independence.  Every decision, big or small, is subject to the approval & control of the enmeshed family.  This dysfunction stifles personal growth & perpetuates a cycle of dependency & emotional manipulation.  Enmeshment thrives on lies like “family always comes first,” & “No one loves you like your family!” which is contrary to the teachings of Christianity.

2 Corinthians 11:14 reminds us that evil can disguise itself, appearing harmless or even beneficial.  Enmeshment, with its veneer of love & togetherness, is a perfect example of this deception.  Like the enemy Jesus described in John 10:10, enmeshment steals, kills, & destroys the very essence of its victims’ identities, independence, & normalcy. 

Victims of enmeshment often suffer in silence, unaware of the sinister nature of their situation.  They grew up believing that their family’s behavior is normal & that their suffering is a result of their own inadequacies.  However, by recognizing the truth & seeking to break free from enmeshment, they can begin to reclaim their lives & experience the abundant, fulfilling life that God intended for them.

In order to escape enmeshment, victims must question the lies that have been ingrained in their minds.  They must challenge those false beliefs, like family always comes first, & replace them with the truth such as God’s love encompasses all relationships & calls for healthy boundaries.  To do these things, it helps to have a close relationship with God, to read your Bible often & to have Godly, supportive friends who encourage, help & pray for & with you.

The teachings of Jesus emphasize the value of individuality, love, & healthy relationships.  By focusing on these principles, victims can find solace, support, & the courage to take the necessary steps towards freedom such as setting healthy boundaries.

It is essential for victims to understand that breaking free from enmeshment is a gradual process.  Healing takes time, patience, & self compassion.  It won’t happen over night but it will happen.  I did it, with God’s love, support & guidance.

Enmeshment is a truly sinister force that can disguise itself as love & unity.  Never underestimate its evil.  Its destructive power is evident in lost identities, shattered independence, & fractured marriages it leaves in its wake.  To break free from the clutches of enmeshment, victims must embrace the truth, & draw strength from their faith.  By doing so, they can emerge from the darkness & experience the fullness of life that God intended for them.

For more in depth information, check out my book on enmeshment at the following link…

https://books2read.com/u/47VO5E

The Joy of Playing After Childhood Abuse

Childhood is supposed to be a time of innocence, wonder, & carefree play.  It’s a time when we should learn about the world around us, develop friendships, & create lasting memories.  Unfortunately, for those who have experienced abuse during their formative years, the concept of childhood joy feels like a distant dream.  The trauma of abuse steals the opportunity simply to be a child & enjoy simple childhood pleasures.  However, as adults, we have the power to reclaim what was lost.  One way to do this is by reconnecting with the act of playing.

It may feel daunting to embrace playfulness as an adult, especially if we never had the chance to experience it fully as children.  However, by rediscovering the activities we missed out on, we can bring back a sense of childlike wonder & joy into our lives.  Engaging in play as an adult can act as a form of therapy.

When we engage in play, our brains release endorphins, which are neurotransmitters that promote feelings of happiness & well being.  These endorphins can help counteract some of the negative emotions associated with childhood abuse, such as sadness, anger, or fear.  Even a short break from such emotions is a wonderful thing!

One way to reconnect with your inner child is by revisiting the toys & activities you loved as children.  Whether it’s playing with action figures, building blocks, or puzzles, immersing ourselves in these familiar experiences can be incredibly therapeutic.  If you no longer have the toys from our childhood, search for them online or in antique stores. 

While solitary play can be incredibly fulfilling, involving others in our playtime can enhance our relationships & create lasting memories.  Consider inviting your significant other or other loved ones to join in the fun.  This shared experience can deepen connections.  From playing board games to challenging each other in video games, the possibilities for shared play are endless. 

Now that you understand the importance of play in healing, let’s explore activities that can help you reconnect with your inner child & find joy in the present moment.

Remember the sheer delight of blowing bubbles?  The simple act of creating iridescent orbs that float through the air can be incredibly soothing & mesmerizing.  Have fun watching bubbles dance in the sunlight.  Allow yourself to be fully present in this moment.

Cartoons & movies have a unique ability to transport you to another world.  Set aside some time to indulge in your favorite childhood cartoons or discover new ones that spark joy.  Immerse yourself in the colorful worlds, & grab some popcorn. 

Dressing up allows you to step into different roles & explore your creativity.  Raid your wardrobe or visit a thrift store to find costumes & accessories that resonate with your inner child.  Let your imagination run wild.  Feel the joy of embracing a different persona & allow yourself to escape into a world of make believe.

Stephen King calls books, “A uniquely portable magic,” & I agree with him.  Revisit the stories that captivated you as a child & allow yourself to get lost in them once again.  Collect those special books.  I collect the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books I loved as a child, & reading them always brings me joy.

While childhood abuse may have robbed you of the joy & innocence of being a child, you have the power to reclaim what was lost & heal our wounded inner selves.  By embracing playfulness as adults, you can reconnect with your inner child & find solace, healing, & joy in the activities we missed out on.  Approach play with a sense of curiosity, wonder, & let go of our adult worries.  So, dust off your toys, & open your heart to play.

One Role Of Denial In Enabling & Excusing Narcissistic Abuse

Denial is a powerful defense mechanism that shields individuals from facing painful truths.  In the case of narcissistic abuse, denial allows people to maintain their perception of their loved one as a good person, despite evidence of their abusive behavior.  They mistakenly think it’s easier to deny or minimize the abuse than to confront the painful reality that someone they once cherished was capable of such evil.

Denial also stems from a fear of the unknown.  Once the abuse is acknowledged, victims & enablers may have to confront the fact that their lives will never be the same.  Leaving an abusive relationship often means dismantling the life they have built, facing financial instability, & dealing with the emotional aftermath of the abuse.  Denial becomes a coping mechanism to avoid the uncertainty & upheaval that comes with leaving an abusive situation.

Denial can be particularly pronounced in cases where the abuser is a family member or most commonly a parent.  Emotional incest between a parent & child, & family loyalty makes it even more challenging for individuals to accept the harsh reality of abuse.  They may cling to the hope that the abuser will change or that their love can somehow fix the situation rather than seeing the abuse for what it truly is.

Victims of narcissistic abuse may also feel embarrassed to admit that they were victimized.  This is particularly true for male victims of female narcissists. 

Society’s perception of male victims of abuse adds another layer of complexity to the issue.  Men are expected to be strong, resilient, & impervious to emotional harm.  This societal stereotype not only undermines the experiences of male victims but also discourages them from seeking help or speaking out about their abuse.  They may fear being judged as weak, foolish, or emasculated, & as a result, suffer in silence.

Also, the belief that women are inherently nurturing & incapable of inflicting harm makes it even harder for male victims to be believed or taken seriously.  Female abusers are very good at hiding behind masks of charm & manipulation, making it easier for them to maintain a facade of innocence.  This deception further isolates male victims, as society fails to acknowledge that women can be just as cruel & abusive as men.

The stigma surrounding male victims of abuse perpetuates a cycle of silence & shame.  Believers in this stigma deny them the opportunity to heal & find support.  It is crucial to challenge these societal norms & promote understanding & empathy for all victims of abuse, regardless of gender.

When someone enables or excuses narcissistic abuse due to denial, it is important to approach the situation with compassion & understanding.  Attempting to force individuals to face the truth prematurely may only deepen their denial.  Instead, offering support, prayer, & empathy creates a safe space for them to process their experiences at their own pace.

As Christians, we are called to love & support one another, particularly those who have suffered abuse.  By listening without judgment, extending a helping hand, & providing support, we can help victims find the strength & courage to face reality. 

By educating ourselves & others, we can promote a more inclusive & compassionate understanding of abuse, recognizing that anyone, regardless of gender, can be a victim.  Breaking the cycle of silence & stigma is vital for empowering victims.