Ways You Betray Yourself & How To Stop

Betrayal doesn’t always come from someone else; sometimes, it originates from within.  In this post, we will explore some ways you might be betraying yourself & how to stop it while learning to prioritize yourself.

One of the most common ways we betray ourselves is by neglecting self care.  Your well being should always be a priority, but far too often, we put others’ needs before our own.  By not treating yourself with love & neglecting self care, you diminish your self worth & overall happiness. 

To change this behavior:

Learn to prioritize yourself.  Schedule regular “me time” often, even if it’s just a few minutes at a time.  Use this time to engage in activities that bring you joy & recharge your energy.

Practice Self Compassion. Be kind to yourself by acknowledging your accomplishments & forgiving your imperfections.  Treat yourself with the same care & compassion you offer to others.

Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships & protecting your emotional well being.  When you don’t have & enforce healthy boundaries, you allow others to overstep their limits & prioritize their needs over your own.  This is another form of self betrayal.

I have a course on learning to set healthy boundaries on my website at: www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com .  Some very basic steps to get you started are:

Identify Your Limits: Pay attention to how you feel when interacting with others.  Remember, it’s ok to put yourself first & say no sometimes.  It’s not selfish to prioritize yourself; it’s necessary for your well being.

Communicate Clearly: Express your boundaries in a direct & respectful manner. 

People pleasing is another way you can betray yourself. When you constantly sacrifice yourself to gain approval & love from others, you lose sight of your own desires & live in a way that doesn’t align with your true self.

Recognize Your Worth: Understand that your value is not determined by how much you please others.  Embrace your unique qualities & learn to validate yourself.  Give yourself permission to prioritize yourself & make decisions accordingly.

Listen to Your Intuition: Trust it & do what feels right.

When someone hurts you, it’s easy to internalize the pain & keep silent.  However, holding in hurt leads to resentment, damaged relationships, & damaged self esteem.  Speaking up allows you to assert your boundaries & protect your emotional well being.

To change this self betraying behavior:

Acknowledge Your Feelings: Identify your emotions without judgment.  Recognize that your feelings matter & deserve to be heard.

Communicate Constructively: Express your concerns or emotions calmly.  Focus on how the behavior made you feel rather than blaming the other person can foster a more productive conversation.

Choose your battles.  Little things often are better let go.  Or, if dealing with a narcissist, speaking up often only creates more problems.  Pray before speaking up, asking God to tell you if you need to speak up & what to say if you do.

When you sacrifice your morals to fit in, you betray your authentic self.  Over time living inauthentically erodes your self esteem & your identity.

To change this behavior:

Define Your Values: Identify principles you are unwilling to compromise on & stick to them.

Evaluate Your Choices: When faced with difficult decisions, consider how each option aligns with your values.  Make choices that resonate with your values, even if they are challenging.

Betraying yourself damages your happiness & well being.  You deserve better than that!  If you struggle in this area, pray for guidance & wisdom.  God will give them freely!

Remember, you deserve to be treated with love & loyalty, including treating yourself with those traits.

Validation & Praise

Growing up with abusive parents is a truly horrific experience.  The abuse takes a deep root inside of you & does a tremendous amount of damage.  One common way that damage manifests is the need for validation from other people.  If you think this doesn’t describe you, then please read on anyway.  You just might learn something about yourself.

External validation is great.  It’s always nice when other people praise you or say that something that was done to you was wrong.  However, adult children of abusive parents often take the desire for such things to an extreme.  It is quite clear that is what is happening when a person displays certain behaviors.

Someone who drops hints about something good they have done or a good quality they have may be seeking external validation.  The praise that other people give them in such situations is very welcomed since it tells this person that they really are OK, good, smart, attractive, valuable, etc.

Similarly, exaggerating a person’s good deeds or qualities is another cry for external validation.  As the saying goes, you don’t see commercials for Rolls Royce cars because they know their worth & value.  They don’t need to convince others they are great.  Anyone who feels they must magnify their good qualities is doing so in the hopes of gaining praise & external validation.

Excessive posting on social media can be a sign of someone looking for external validation.  Someone who shares a lot about their life on social media may be seeking “likes” & positive comments as a way to gain some external validation.

Please don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying a person who mentions something positive they have done, a positive quality they have or who shares on social media is completely dysfunctional.  Not at all!  I’m simply saying these things when done in excess can be a sign of someone who is seeking external validation & that is unhealthy.

External validation is great, but it truly shouldn’t be extremely, over the top important to anyone.  If it is, this is a sign of something wrong, such as low self esteem or envy.  It also can be a sign of a personality disorder.  Narcissists clearly take this to an extreme since they demand approval & praise from others, but those with Borderline Personality Disorder may also seek external validation frequently.

Being hyper-focused on external validation can be truly disruptive to a person’s life.  It can damage or ruin relationships with its neediness.  Even the most patient people get tired of feeling as if they constantly must reassure someone at some point. 

If you feel a strong need for external validation, you can fix this problem!  I know, because I once felt that need but no longer do.  I hope what I did helps you too!

The first step for me was to turn to God.  I asked Him for help, to show me what I needed to do to be healthier & to help me understand who He says I am.  I also studied what the Bible says about believers.  There are a lot of Scriptures about what God thinks of His children!  It’s very eye opening!

I watched my behavior, too.  If I realized I was starting to seek validation from other people, I stopped myself.  I asked myself why I felt this was necessary.  I also asked myself why I felt I needed the approval of this particular person.  If that person was dysfunctional, I realized that their approval truly wasn’t important.  They naturally would only praise dysfunctional behaviors so why would I want their validation?!  I also realized that those who are functional won’t make me feel I have to beg for validation.  They offer it freely.

Rather than turning to people for validation, I turned inward.  I acknowledged my feelings & thoughts.  If I felt that I did something well, I praised myself.  If I recognized something I’ve been through was wrong or bad, I told myself that.  My validation became good enough for me.  That took some time but it did happen & was well worth the wait!

I hope if you are seeking external validation in excess, you can change your ways.  People are fallible human beings, which means they will fail you sometimes.  Constantly looking to them for validation is setting yourself up for disappointment.  Instead, turning to God for it & learning to validate yourself will be much more fulfilling for you!

Validating Yourself

Everyone needs validation. It’s simply a built in human need that God gave us all.

For those of us who survived narcissistic abuse, invalidation was a way of life, so it’s only natural that we crave validation more than the average person. We want to be heard & understood for a change! The problem with this is so many people don’t offer us the validation we crave. Instead, they make excuses for the narcissist, don’t want to listen to our stories or tell us things like we’re just angry, we need to let it go or other similar heartless comments.

You also can’t count on gaining validation from your abuser. It is the very rare abusive person who goes to a victim, admits that what they did was wrong, ask for forgiveness & makes appropriate changes in their behavior. Sure, some do apologize at some point, but their failure to change their behavior & either accept full responsibility or failure to stop blaming others for their behavior proves that they aren’t being genuine. The abusive behavior will continue & they don’t care about the pain & suffering they caused victims. They only apologize as an attempt to pacify a victim, not because they want to improve the relationship.

Situations like these are a very good reminder that you can’t rely on getting all the validation you need from outside sources. People are flawed, & they will fail to give you the validation you want & need sometimes. You have to learn to validate yourself instead of relying on others, which is where your healing truly begins.

As always I recommend starting this with prayer. Ask God to help you to learn how to validate yourself, rely less on validation from outside sources & even to give you validation.

You also need to accept the fact people won’t always give you the validation you need. Remind yourself often that people aren’t perfect, & they will fail you sometimes. It’s just a part of life. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care or they don’t love you. They are simply flawed human beings like every single other human being.

You also need to accept that your abuser won’t accept responsibility for the pain he or she caused you either. That type of validation most likely never will happen. You know what happened, & that truly is good enough. Even if no one else believes you, it really can be enough when you know the truth.

What people often refer to as feeling sorry for yourself is what I think of as showing yourself compassion, & it’s something you need to do. You have been through some pretty bad things, & it’s ok to admit that both to others & to yourself. Stop minimizing your experiences & your pain! You’re only invalidating yourself by doing that!

Never compare your situation to others. Doing so often leads to thoughts like, “Well that person had it way worse than me. I shouldn’t complain.” That is so wrong & also very self invalidating! Don’t do it! Trauma is trauma. So what if someone went through worse things than you did? You went through much worse than someone else did, too. Does any of that make any difference? You need to focus on your situation & ways to heal, not whether it’s better or worse than other people’s situations.

Stop judging your feelings, too. After abuse, it’s only natural to be angry or sad sometimes. It’s natural to have ruminating thoughts about certain especially painful situations or to wonder why the abuser did what they did to you. Don’t criticize yourself for thinking these things. Accept that they’re just a normal part of the healing journey.

With a little time & practice, you can learn to be your own best “validator.” You won’t regret learning this skill. In fact, I’m certain you’ll be glad you did! xoxo

Needing Validation

One thing so many of us subjected to narcissistic abuse want more than anything is validation.  We’ve been ignored & invalidated so long, we’re starving for validation.  It’s very normal to feel that way.  Unfortunately, it also can be very hard to come by!

Many people don’t want to hear our stories, because they say it’s “too negative”, they don’t believe us (in all fairness, the things narcissists do sound so crazy it can be hard to believe), maybe they don’t believe narcissism is a real thing or that it’s so incredibly commonplace, or maybe they know the narcissist & don’t believe that person to be capable of doing the things you say she/he did to you.  It can be super frustrating because we aren’t making this stuff up (honestly.. who really is that creative?!) & we’re so starved for validation

Then there is the narcissist.  We would love validation from her.  How many of us wouldn’t be thrilled if one day that person admitted the things they had done to us, & begged for our forgiveness?  That would be the ultimate validation.  It’s also a false hope that keeps us in relationship with narcissists for well beyond a time that we should be.

This need for validation, while normal, also can prove to be a problem.

Dear Reader, while validation from outside sources is a wonderful thing to have, you need to understand that some people simply will NOT give it to you, no matter what.  I know that is painful, & I’m sorry, but it’s true.  It’s something you need to accept.  You can’t make someone believe you or show you empathy because of what you have experienced.

Some time ago, I had a strange dream.  In it, my car was nose to nose with a much smaller car in a parking lot.  I was maybe 50′ or so away.  Suddenly, the little sedan backed up & rammed into the front of my car, then backed up & did it again over & over.  I was panicked- I love my car & ain’t no one messing with her, even in a dream!  As I ran towards the cars, I realized the smaller car was shrinking- every time it hit my car, my car was fine, but the small car’s front end was becoming more smushed in.  It leaked fluids & smoked like crazy.  I stopped running & stared at this scene in shock & with some amusement.  Then I woke up.  Before I could even ask God what this dream meant, He told me.  It had a two-fold meaning:

1. Narcissists & flying monkeys are like that sedan.  They are so determined to make their point known, they don’t care if they destroy themselves.  Stand strong on the truth & what I know, & like my car, I’ll be just fine while they destroy themselves.
2. Don’t be like the sedan.  Some people won’t want to know what I’ve been through & I can’t make them care no matter what.  Don’t try to force them to change their views- it’ll hurt me way more than it’ll ever hurt them.

I think this can be a very good lesson for you too, Dear Reader.  Don’t be like the sedan!  Don’t try to force people to validate your pain if they don’t want to.

Instead, learn to validate your own pain.  Talk to God, journal, talk to supportive friends or a counselor, & accept the fact not everyone can validate your pain.  It’s hard, but you can do this!  And, not validating you is their right, after all.  No one is obligated to do so.  Some people simply aren’t very caring or empathetic.  The invalidating people do one thing good though- they make you appreciate the kind, caring ones who do offer validation even more.

Do You Validate Abuse?

Most of us who have experienced abuse in our childhood have trouble standing up for ourselves even as adults.  It feels wrong, like something you should never do.

 

But, did it ever cross your mind that by not defending yourself, you are validating the abuse?  It gives the abuser permission to treat you however they want to.

 

 

Unfortunately with narcissists, it’s not always easy to put a stop to their evil actions.  They seem to think they have the right to do anything they want to whomever they want.  Even so, it’s a good idea to set some boundaries with them.

 

Remember, with narcissists, you can’t set boundaries like you can with normal people.  Normal people will respect it when you say that something they did hurt you.  They will apologize & try to make it up to you when appropriate.  Narcissists are the complete opposite- they will not only refuse to apologize, but remember what you complain about to do it more often.  They also may blame you for making them do that, being oversensitive or even making things up.

 

You have to get creative in setting boundaries with narcissists.

 

First, ask God for creative ideas.  He will NOT disappoint you!  Once, my mother told me where a former teacher of mine works.  She said he asked about me & she told him I don’t work (apparently being an author isn’t a real job.. could’ve fooled me!).  That made me angry, her discounting my writing yet again.  In venting to God, He put an idea in my head.  I made up new business cards, & when I saw this teacher with my parents a couple of weeks later, proceeded to give him one in front of my mother.  The look of shock on her face was priceless!  And, she couldn’t say a thing or else she would have looked bad in front of my old teacher.  HA!

 

Secondly, always do your best to appear happy or neutral when setting a boundary.  Never show your hurt or anger, as I mentioned above.  Also, it flusters them when you can set a boundary cheerfully after their valiant attempt to hurt you.  When they get flustered, they will stop what they are doing.

 

And, don’t forget- subject changes can be your friend.  Rather than saying you don’t want to talk about whatever topic they are using to hurt you, change the subject.  It may not always work, but it will help you sometimes.  Just be sure to keep changing the topic back to what they wanted to talk about if they try to change it back.

 

Do You Validate Or Invalidate Yourself?

Validation is very hard to come by.  People are very quick to minimize the successes of others & to tell others their pain isn’t so bad.  When others either fail to validate you or directly, deliberately invalidate you, it hurts.  It also leads many people to invalidate themselves, especially when the invalidation starts early in life by their own parents.  Parental invalidation of a child easily can instill a belief in the child that she or he isn’t worth validating.  Accomplishments, dreams, needs, feelings all become trivial, unworthy of any recognition.  I believe invalidating a child helps to instill a root of deep shame in him or her.  The child becomes ashamed of his or her own needs, wants, feelings & even accomplishments.

Growing up with narcissistic parents, this is a very common phenomenon.  In my own life, I have only recently begun to see how badly I have invalidated myself.  I tend to look at what I haven’t done rather than what I have, & berate myself for what I haven’t done rather than be proud of what I have. Or, if I accomplish something good, I just look at it as something anyone can do, or it’s something I should do so why should that be celebrated?  My wants, needs & feelings come after those of others, even if I have a crisis.  While I am getting a bit better at these behaviors, it’s difficult since they are so deeply ingrained in me.  Plus, by behaving this way, I have essentially told others it’s perfectly OK for them to invalidate me, which means others do so on a regular basis.

If this describes you as well, I want to encourage you today to do as I am trying to do myself- begin to validate yourself!  It’s time to recognize that your wants, needs, actions & feelings are just as important as those of other people.  To do this, ask yourself why you believe the way you do.  What makes you think your wants, needs, etc. are less important than those of other people?  If you are unsure, ask God to show you.  Once you realize why you feel the way you do, ask Him to speak truth to you about why you feel this way.  Are your feelings accurate?  Or, are they the result of someone else invalidating you?  How can you change this false belief into the truth?

Also, pay attention to those things you feel, good & bad, & acknowledge them.  Don’t brush things off so easily- feel your feelings.  If someone hurt you, then feel that hurt & be good to yourself by doing nice things that make you feel good.  If you feel good because you accomplished a task that was on the back burner for too long, stop & bask in how good that feels for a few minutes.  Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.  Maybe even celebrate by giving yourself a gift.

Another thing to think about.  People who invalidate on a regular basis are often toxic.  They can be narcissists (or even just plain self-centered people) who believe they are the only ones worthy of validation, passive/aggressive types who use it as a means of punishing others, or they can simply be the superficial type of people who don’t like to delve into any deeper subject matter.  Superficial people don’t care for anything that requires much thought or effort on their part, & validation requires some of both.  Validation requires one to see things through another’s eyes if you wish to truly understand their feelings, plus you have to consider the right thing to say to properly validate another person.

In any case, the point is an invalidating person is the one with the problem, not you.  People want & need validation.  It’s how God made us, & is completely normal to want it!  I believe it is also abnormal not to wish to bless people by giving it freely.  There is nothing wrong with you for being hurt or disappointed when you are invalidated.  But, since it is becoming a rare thing in today’s society, you can validate yourself.

And, while you’re becoming more aware of the importance of validating yourself, don’t forget to validate others as well!  People are starving for validation- be a blessing, & validate others!  If you are unsure when it’s appropriate, ask God to show you who to validate & when.