Feeling Undeserving Manifests In All Kinds Of Unusual Ways

Do you find yourself working constantly without breaks, failing to take care of yourself when sick or injured, & not having healthy boundaries?  If so, these likely are all coping mechanisms to deal with a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness.  The good news is once you start to recognize & challenge these behaviors, you can begin to heal & believe in your worthiness.

One of the ways in which feeling undeserving manifests is through the need to constantly do, achieve, & accomplish.  Whether it’s in our personal or professional lives, we push ourselves to the limit, working long hours without breaks, & sacrificing our mental & physical well-being in the process.   This behavior is often rooted in the belief that you need to prove your worthiness through achievements.  You believe that if you work hard enough, you can earn the love, respect, & validation that you so desperately crave.  Sadly, the reality is that no amount of doing can ever make us feel truly worthy.  Until you start to prioritize rest, self-care, & balance in life, you won’t begin to feel true peace & fulfillment.  Your worthiness is not tied to your productivity, & taking care of yourself is a crucial part of living a happy & fulfilling life.

Another way in which feeling undeserving manifests is through neglecting our physical, emotional, & mental health.  We ignore our needs, push through pain & illness, & refuse to ask for help when we need it.  This behavior often is rooted in the belief that you don’t deserve care & kindness.  For me, I believed that I was a burden on others, & that my needs were not important enough to be met.  The reality is that we all deserve to be taken care of, especially when we are going through a hard time.  Prioritizing your well-being & asking for help when needed will help you to begin to feel self-love & compassion.  Taking care of yourself is not selfish, but rather an act of kindness towards yourself & those around you.

One of the most damaging ways in which feeling undeserving manifests is through the inability to set healthy boundaries, tolerating abuse, & settling for things that are bad for us.  This behavior usually is rooted in the belief that you don’t deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, & love.  Like other children of narcissistic parents, I grew up believing that I had to settle, & that I didn’t have the right to say no or stand up for myself.  It wasn’t until I started to recognize my worthiness & set healthy boundaries that I began to attract people & situations that honored & respected me.  I learned that I deserve to be treated with love & kindness, that I have the right to say no to anything that doesn’t align with my values & needs & I also have the right to terminate relationships that are one sided or damaging to my peace & mental health

Feeling undeserving can manifest in unusual & damaging ways, but it doesn’t have to define us.  By recognizing & challenging these behaviors, we can learn to believe in our worthiness & live a happy & fulfilling life.  Remember that you are worthy of love, respect, & happiness, & that no one but God has the right to define you.  Ask Him often to tell you the truth about yourself, & never let anyone have the power to make you feel unworthy.

Living With An Invisible Illness

Recently I was watching a show on television.  A lady was talking about a man she knows who has Parkinson’s disease.  He travels around the USA & talks to people about this horrible disease.  She said that he never lets Parkinson’s get him down.  In fact, he never talks about it unless he is talking about what happens during his speaking engagements.

This sounds pretty admirable on the surface, doesn’t it?  It sounds like this gentleman is doing the impossible by conquering a horrific disease.  He sounds brave, strong, determined, & able to handle anything.  Yet somehow this didn’t sit right with me.

If you have a serious health problem, such as this gentleman’s Parkinson’s disease, no matter how brave, strong & determined you are, you still have limitations.  It seems like to so many people admitting that there are limitations on someone with physical or mental health problems is a bad thing.  Think about it for a moment.  If a person doesn’t show obvious signs of an illness or disability, many people have no patience for them when their symptoms flare up or if they no longer can do things they used to do easily.  I’ve seen this myself with my own health problems.  When I nearly died from carbon monoxide poisoning in 2015, I passed out & hit my head bad enough to require 11 staples to close up the giant gash on my scalp.  That blow to the head plus the lack of oxygen thanks to the carbon monoxide caused quite a bit of brain damage.  No one saw my staples since they were hidden under my hair & I didn’t look any different after the poisoning.  Those closest to me believe that I have problems stemming from it, but those not as close to me rarely do.  In fact, a former friend of mine made fun of me for being so forgetful now, & at one point laughingly told me I was “old & senile.” 

Another problem with the limitations is admitting to them can be met with some pretty nasty replies.  Even those with good intentions can come across hurtful & yet still shaming when they say things like, “Stop letting it get you down!”  or, “You’re being too negative!”

Those of us who live with invisible illnesses have it pretty rough.  Not only do we have the illnesses & their miserable symptoms to live with, but we also face the insensitivity & even nastiness of other people.  It can be quite depressing & frustrating!  My hope is to encourage those of you in this situation some today.

Rather than listen to the nonsense other people say, try to ignore it as best you can.  They aren’t you.  They don’t know the pain & frustration you live with, so what right do they have to judge it? 

Just because you don’t “look sick” (whatever that is supposed to be) also doesn’t mean that you aren’t sick, either.  People who say that clearly don’t know how illnesses work.  Not everyone with an illness looks like they have an illness.  Some people have back problems & walk with a cane while others don’t.  Some people with cancer lose a great deal of weight, others don’t.  Many people with diabetes look perfectly healthy, & some have lost limbs due to the horrid disease. You can’t always judge a person’s state of health by their appearance, but many folks do & are quite cruel about it.

Think about your situation logically for a moment.  Chances are excellent that you try your best & maybe even overdo it on your good days.  You’re trying & that is wonderful!  You aren’t letting your illness hold you back because you are doing your best.  Even though your best now isn’t as it was prior to the illness, you’re still doing your best & that counts!

Admitting you have limitations isn’t being too negative, either.  It’s accepting the reality of your situation.  How is that a bad, negative thing?  Being realistic is simply wise!  It helps you to find the best ways to deal with your situation, which clearly is a very good thing.

Try not to let the ignorant opinions of other people get you down.  You know you’re trying your best & that you truly have an illness.  Sometimes that really can be enough.

Another Tool Narcissists Use To Abuse: Making Victims Feel Invisible

As anyone who’s been abused by a narcissist knows they have many tools at their disposal that they use to abuse.  One of those awful tools is by making their victims feel like they are invisible.

Making a person feel invisible destroys their self-esteem and makes them very easy to control and manipulate. That is why narcissists do this.  Well, that & the joy they get from destroying their victims of course..

To accomplish this goal, narcissists use a few creative tactics.  They ignore their victims’ accomplishments, they downplay anything that is going on with the victim whether the thing is good or bad, & they often will act like the victim does not exist. The silent treatment is a very good example of acting like a victim doesn’t exist.  It’s an extremely effective way to make someone feel invisible, because the person using it acts like their victim does not even exist & that person isn’t worth even their time or energy to speak to.

Narcissists usually treat their victims this way when they have done something the narcissist does not approve of, such as failing to provide narcissistic supply or setting healthy boundaries.  

Narcissistic parents use this tool from day one of their child’s life to keep that child down & easily controllable.  Most children of narcissistic parents can’t remember their parents giving them compliments more than maybe once or twice in their life if at all, but they can recall their parents saying terrible and cruel things to them repeatedly throughout their entire lives, ignoring any accomplishments or acting as if anything happening in their lives was unimportant.  Narcissistic romantic partners often start out full of flattery but evolve into cruel insults as the relationship progresses.  They also have nothing but time for their romantic partner when the relationship is new but as time passes, suddenly have less time to devote to their partners.

While these tactics may not sound so bad they truly are.  When they are done over & over for an extended period of time, they erode a person’s self-esteem until that self-esteem has been destroyed.  That, of course, is the goal of any narcissist.

If you have been or are currently in this situation with a narcissist, my heart goes out to you.  I have been there myself, & I know just how painful it can be.  

I want you to remember something.  Anyone who does this sort of thing to another person clearly is the one with the problem.  The reason you need to remember this is so you know with every fiber of your being that you are truly not the problem, & that the other person is the problem.  I know that sounds like common sense but when you were in the midst of the situation or recently removed from it, it can be difficult to remember that.

Also, just because someone thinks you are unworthy of their time, attention, or love, does not mean that is true.  In fact, I believe that when a person treats another this way it shows the type of character that person has rather than the type of character their victim has. 

The next time this happens to you, I want you to ask yourself something.  Ask yourself why is this person treating me this way, what have I done that makes them believe this type of egregious behavior is justifiable?  Chances are that you can’t come up with anything that would justify this awful behavior.  Doing this simple exercise can help you to counteract the damage done by a narcissist trying to make you feel invisible.

About Being Invisible

Growing up with narcissistic parents, you learn early in life to be invisible.  Stay out of everyone’s way.   Don’t bother anyone with your “petty” needs or problems.  After all, your parents are the important ones, not you.  You are there to attend to their needs, not them to yours.  They have drilled these so-called facts into your head from birth, so you know them well.

 

Being invisible is not only a way of life, but a handy survival tool in that type of environment.  The less your narcissistic parents notice you, the less likely they’ll use or abuse you.  Staying quiet & out of their way can make your childhood somewhat easier.

 

While being invisible can serve you well while in such a toxic environment, it is no longer necessary once you are out of it.  In fact, it won’t help you at all & may hurt you instead.

 

If you continue to remain invisible, people may not necessarily abuse you, but they also will not be there for you or love you as you need, because they will not notice you.  Or, if they do notice you, your needs won’t be very important to them because they don’t appear important to you.  Not discussing your needs makes people not even realize you have them.

 

Dear Reader, if this is you, it’s your time to become visible!  Let people know you exist.  It is perfectly OK to have needs & wants, & to let those be known among those close to you.  In fact, it’s healthy to do so.  In normal, healthy relationships, both parties have needs & let each other know what they are with the expectation that when possible, the other person will fulfill them.  God has created people to need one another, after all.  He obviously knows best, so why not try living life His way?

 

 

Feeling Invisible

Narcissists treat their children as if they are mere tools- they take them off the shelf when they need their narcissistic supply or need the child to do something for them, then they put them back when done, & expect the child to stay out of sight & out of mind the rest of the time.  (Isn’t this also how your average screwdriver or hammer is treated?)

Many narcissists also tell their children that children are to be seen & not heard, speak when spoken to only or other such hurtful things.  They also clearly don’t wish to be bothered with their child’s needs or wants.

These things mean the child grows up learning to behave as if she is invisible.  She stays quiet, & stays out of people’s way.  People treat her as if she is invisible as well, because they see how she acts.  (Your behavior shows others how you expect to be treated.)  Their treatment reinforces to her that she needs to be invisible, & the painful cycle continues.  It is so frustrating when even total strangers treat you this way.  A few years ago, I stopped by a convenience store.  When I was done & backing out of my parking space,  I looked.  No one was behind me so I backed out.  Suddenly my car jolted to a stop.  Someone in an SUV backed into me.  We got out of our vehicles & she immediately began screaming at me for upsetting her by hitting her truck.  I couldn’t even get in a word to tell her she had backed into me, not the other way around!   Thankfully no damage was done to my car & she said none to her SUV, so we walked away from the incident.  Her behavior hurt though.  I felt like she thought I was so unimportant I shouldn’t be allowed to say one word.

This invisible thing results in a deep sense of shame about your very existence.  You feel as if the fact you exist is a bad thing, & this can destroy your self-esteem.  I know  this from personal experience- I’ve never had healthy self-esteem.  In fact, at 44 years old, I still battle low self-esteem often.

I have been working  on becoming visible instead of staying invisible off & on for a few years now.  I’ve learned that to do that, you need to start setting some boundaries.  Don’t let others call all of the shots, all of the time.  For example, I’ve always let others end the phone call first, & now  I’m starting to do end it when I feel strong enough. (sad.. such a mundane task shouldn’t be so stressful!)  If someone wants to go out with me but I have plans, instead of rearranging my plans, I suggest another time.  Basically, I’m finding little, reasonable ways of making myself noticed.  The good news is it does get easier & easier, the more I do it.  I hope you will try to do the same thing so you no longer feel invisible.  You deserve so much better than that!

March 2, 2013

Good morning, Dear Readers!  I hope this post finds you well today!

I had an “ah ha” moment last night.  Thought I’d share- maybe it’ll benefit some of you readers, too.

Lately, my hubby’s been in a foul mood.  Lots of stress plus he’s really missing our dog.  When he’s with me, I realize I’ve been feeling weird, like I have to just stay out of his way, & not bother him with any “trivial” aspect of my life.  I’ve been wondering what that’s about, but didn’t think much on the topic.  So last night he came home from his parents’ house in a good mood.  First time that’s ever happened since we’ve been together (18+ years).  I felt much more relaxed & my mood improved.

So while I couldn’t sleep last night & all was quiet, I was thinking about this & wondering what that was all about.  I prayed about it & immediately, I got my answer…

Growing up, I felt I had to be “invisible.”  Have no needs, emotions, not talk unless talked to, etc.  Only time I was allowed to not be was when I was needed by my parents, like when they had a fight & wanted my advice.  I had to be even more invisible when they were in bad moods, especially my mother.  I had to just stay out of her way.  Being invisible wasn’t too bad to me if they were in good moods, but bad moods?  I couldn’t be invisible enough!

I’ve taken this behavior into adulthood, into my marriage, without even realizing it.  So when my husband has been in a foul mood lately, I’ve automatically reverted into being extra invisible.  When his mood improved last night, I could relax some. 

I hope this all makes sense- I haven’t been sleeping well lately & am really tired!  I also hope & pray this helps other children of narcissistic parents.

Have a wonderful day, Dear Readers, & do something nice for yourself today!!