Feeling Undeserving Manifests In All Kinds Of Unusual Ways

Do you find yourself working constantly without breaks, failing to take care of yourself when sick or injured, & not having healthy boundaries?  If so, these likely are all coping mechanisms to deal with a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness.  The good news is once you start to recognize & challenge these behaviors, you can begin to heal & believe in your worthiness.

One of the ways in which feeling undeserving manifests is through the need to constantly do, achieve, & accomplish.  Whether it’s in our personal or professional lives, we push ourselves to the limit, working long hours without breaks, & sacrificing our mental & physical well-being in the process.   This behavior is often rooted in the belief that you need to prove your worthiness through achievements.  You believe that if you work hard enough, you can earn the love, respect, & validation that you so desperately crave.  Sadly, the reality is that no amount of doing can ever make us feel truly worthy.  Until you start to prioritize rest, self-care, & balance in life, you won’t begin to feel true peace & fulfillment.  Your worthiness is not tied to your productivity, & taking care of yourself is a crucial part of living a happy & fulfilling life.

Another way in which feeling undeserving manifests is through neglecting our physical, emotional, & mental health.  We ignore our needs, push through pain & illness, & refuse to ask for help when we need it.  This behavior often is rooted in the belief that you don’t deserve care & kindness.  For me, I believed that I was a burden on others, & that my needs were not important enough to be met.  The reality is that we all deserve to be taken care of, especially when we are going through a hard time.  Prioritizing your well-being & asking for help when needed will help you to begin to feel self-love & compassion.  Taking care of yourself is not selfish, but rather an act of kindness towards yourself & those around you.

One of the most damaging ways in which feeling undeserving manifests is through the inability to set healthy boundaries, tolerating abuse, & settling for things that are bad for us.  This behavior usually is rooted in the belief that you don’t deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, & love.  Like other children of narcissistic parents, I grew up believing that I had to settle, & that I didn’t have the right to say no or stand up for myself.  It wasn’t until I started to recognize my worthiness & set healthy boundaries that I began to attract people & situations that honored & respected me.  I learned that I deserve to be treated with love & kindness, that I have the right to say no to anything that doesn’t align with my values & needs & I also have the right to terminate relationships that are one sided or damaging to my peace & mental health

Feeling undeserving can manifest in unusual & damaging ways, but it doesn’t have to define us.  By recognizing & challenging these behaviors, we can learn to believe in our worthiness & live a happy & fulfilling life.  Remember that you are worthy of love, respect, & happiness, & that no one but God has the right to define you.  Ask Him often to tell you the truth about yourself, & never let anyone have the power to make you feel unworthy.

What Exactly Is Self Love?

It’s easy to throw around the term “self love” these days, but what does it really mean?  Is it just bubble baths & pep talking yourself?  Or, is it something much deeper?  Self love is not just a feel-good buzzword.  It’s a way of life that can help you live a more fulfilling & authentic life. 

Self love starts with being your authentic self.  This means embracing who you truly are, flaws & all.  It means not trying to be someone else to please others or fit in.  It means being honest with yourself & others about your feelings, thoughts, & beliefs.  When you are your authentic self, you are living in alignment with your values & priorities.  Being your authentic self can be scary, especially if you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse.  It means putting yourself out there & risking rejection.  It’s worth it though.  When you are true to yourself, you attract people who accept & appreciate you for who you really are.  You also feel more confident & self-assured.

To become more authentic, start by reflecting on who you truly are.  Ask yourself some questions like, what are your values, passions, & priorities?  What makes you unique? Then, start showing up as that person in your daily life.  Speak up when you have something to say.  Embrace your quirks.  Pursue your passions.  The more you embrace your authentic self, the more self love you will cultivate.

We all make mistakes.  It’s a natural part of being human.  When we beat ourselves up for those mistakes, we are not practicing self love.  Part of self love is forgiving yourself for your mistakes & moving on.  Forgiveness is not about excusing bad behavior or pretending that everything is ok.  It’s about acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility for your actions, & moving forward in a positive direction.  When you forgive yourself, you release the negative emotions that are holding you back & create space for self love & growth.

To forgive yourself, start by acknowledging your mistakes.  Take responsibility for what happened & apologize if necessary to others & even to yourself.  Then, focus on what you can learn from the experience & how you can grow from it.  Remember that mistakes are often opportunities for growth & self-improvement.

Self love also means taking care of your mental & physical health.  This includes getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, & taking care of your emotional well being.

Self care is not selfish.  It’s essential for your overall health & well-being.  When you take care of yourself, you have more energy, feel stronger mentally & physically, & are better able to handle stress & challenges.

Practice mindfulness to reduce stress & improve your emotional well being.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  Whether it’s seeing a therapist or reaching out to a friend, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Self love is not a one time event or only one thing you can do for yourself.  It’s a lifelong journey of self discovery, growth, & acceptance.  When you practice self love, you are living a life that is true to your values & priorities.  You are living a life that is fulfilling, joyful, & authentic.

Today, I want to encourage you to take the first step on your journey of self love.  Embrace your authentic self.  Forgive yourself for your mistakes.  Take care of your mental & physical health.  Always remember, self love is not selfish.  It’s essential.

Discovering Your True Self After Narcissistic Abuse

No contact is often preached to victims of narcissistic abuse as if once you sever ties with a narcissist, your life will be perfect.  No contact is wonderful because it means the narcissist is out of your life, but that doesn’t mean all of your problems are over.  Narcissists rarely take no contact quietly, but even when they do, victims still have plenty to deal with if they are to heal from the narcissistic abuse.

One area where victims need healing is to discover who they truly are, not who their narcissist said they were.  While this may sound easy to some people, it really isn’t.  I plan to give victims in this position things to consider that can help them to discover their true identity, who God made them to be.

Prayer is always the best place to start, in my opinion.  Asking God to show you who you really are is so helpful!  It was paramount for me.  He showed me things I never would have considered before.  And, He can do the same for you!

Journaling is also helpful.  Take notes of things you learn along your journey so you can look back over them.  This can be a great reminder of things you have forgotten.

Ask yourself what interests do you have.  I don’t mean things a narcissist claimed you were interested in, but things that truly interest you that are free from outside influences.  Many victims of narcissistic abuse have no idea what things truly interest them or they minimize those things.  Consider what you do & how you feel about things without judging your feelings.  What brings you real joy, no matter what other people have to say? 

What talents do you have?  What can you say you are good at doing?  Are you talented with drawing?  Writing?  Building things?  If you struggle to find something, think about the complements people give you.  I know, as a victim of a critical narcissist, it can be tough to accept complements, but you need to do this.  Consider the nice things people have said to you.  Don’t judge the complements.  Instead, write them down.  They may help you to figure out who you really are.

What stirs up passion inside of you?  Do you feel strongly about animal rights?  Is there a human rights issue that lights a fire in you like nothing else?  What stirs up the strongest feelings in you, either good feelings or negative ones?  Take note of such things.  These things most likely are your calling.

What are your beliefs?  Narcissists do their best to make their victims think & believe exactly as they want them to.  It benefits narcissists but damages victims by making them lose an important part of themselves.  Start thinking about things in which you truly believe, whether or not the narcissist would approve of these things. 

What about your moral beliefs?  Another area where narcissists try to make their victims compromise is their morals.  They try convincing their victims that God doesn’t exist or if He does, He condones the narcissist’s abuse because the victim deserves punishment.  Narcissistic spouses convince their victims that monogamy is an outdated concept in order to justify their cheating ways.  Do you truly believe what the narcissist told you, or is it only because the narcissist told you this was how you should feel?

When trying to heal from narcissistic abuse, the best thing you can do is to question everything about not only the narcissist but yourself as well.  Questions will help you to learn more & knowledge truly is power.  So please start questioning everything & take good care of yourself!

Ways You Betray Yourself & How To Stop

Betrayal doesn’t always come from someone else; sometimes, it originates from within.  In this post, we will explore some ways you might be betraying yourself & how to stop it while learning to prioritize yourself.

One of the most common ways we betray ourselves is by neglecting self care.  Your well being should always be a priority, but far too often, we put others’ needs before our own.  By not treating yourself with love & neglecting self care, you diminish your self worth & overall happiness. 

To change this behavior:

Learn to prioritize yourself.  Schedule regular “me time” often, even if it’s just a few minutes at a time.  Use this time to engage in activities that bring you joy & recharge your energy.

Practice Self Compassion. Be kind to yourself by acknowledging your accomplishments & forgiving your imperfections.  Treat yourself with the same care & compassion you offer to others.

Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships & protecting your emotional well being.  When you don’t have & enforce healthy boundaries, you allow others to overstep their limits & prioritize their needs over your own.  This is another form of self betrayal.

I have a course on learning to set healthy boundaries on my website at: www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com .  Some very basic steps to get you started are:

Identify Your Limits: Pay attention to how you feel when interacting with others.  Remember, it’s ok to put yourself first & say no sometimes.  It’s not selfish to prioritize yourself; it’s necessary for your well being.

Communicate Clearly: Express your boundaries in a direct & respectful manner. 

People pleasing is another way you can betray yourself. When you constantly sacrifice yourself to gain approval & love from others, you lose sight of your own desires & live in a way that doesn’t align with your true self.

Recognize Your Worth: Understand that your value is not determined by how much you please others.  Embrace your unique qualities & learn to validate yourself.  Give yourself permission to prioritize yourself & make decisions accordingly.

Listen to Your Intuition: Trust it & do what feels right.

When someone hurts you, it’s easy to internalize the pain & keep silent.  However, holding in hurt leads to resentment, damaged relationships, & damaged self esteem.  Speaking up allows you to assert your boundaries & protect your emotional well being.

To change this self betraying behavior:

Acknowledge Your Feelings: Identify your emotions without judgment.  Recognize that your feelings matter & deserve to be heard.

Communicate Constructively: Express your concerns or emotions calmly.  Focus on how the behavior made you feel rather than blaming the other person can foster a more productive conversation.

Choose your battles.  Little things often are better let go.  Or, if dealing with a narcissist, speaking up often only creates more problems.  Pray before speaking up, asking God to tell you if you need to speak up & what to say if you do.

When you sacrifice your morals to fit in, you betray your authentic self.  Over time living inauthentically erodes your self esteem & your identity.

To change this behavior:

Define Your Values: Identify principles you are unwilling to compromise on & stick to them.

Evaluate Your Choices: When faced with difficult decisions, consider how each option aligns with your values.  Make choices that resonate with your values, even if they are challenging.

Betraying yourself damages your happiness & well being.  You deserve better than that!  If you struggle in this area, pray for guidance & wisdom.  God will give them freely!

Remember, you deserve to be treated with love & loyalty, including treating yourself with those traits.

Subtle Signs Of Depression That Can Go Unnoticed

Depression is a complex & often misunderstood mental health condition.  It can manifest in various ways, & its symptoms vary from person to person.  While some signs of depression are well known, such as persistent sadness or loss of interest in activities, there are other subtle indicators that often go unnoticed.  Today, we will shed some light on some of these lesser-known signs of depression.

Depression affects individuals differently, & not everyone will experience all these symptoms.  However, by raising awareness about these often overlooked signs, I hope to help foster a greater understanding & empathy for those living with depression.

Depression can manifest as irritability.  People with depression may find themselves easily agitated or frustrated, even by minor inconveniences.  This irritability can strain relationships & make it challenging for loved ones to understand what they are going through.

Individuals with depression also may struggle to perform everyday household tasks, like making the bed or doing laundry.  These seemingly simple chores may become overwhelming & exhausting, leaving a depressed person feeling even more defeated.  The inability to complete these tasks can create a vicious cycle, as the mounting pile of unfinished chores further contributes to their feelings of worthlessness.

Depression often leads to a desire to isolate oneself from others.  People with depression may keep others at a distance.  This withdrawal can be mistaken for introversion or shyness, but when it accompanies depression it can be rooted in the overwhelming fatigue & emotional burden of depression.

Depression usually causes individuals to experience a constant stream of negative thoughts.  They may find themselves questioning their self worth, doubting their abilities, & feeling hopeless.  These thoughts can be intrusive & unrelenting, making it challenging to find joy or positivity in any aspect of life.

It also can leave individuals feeling emotionally numb.  They may describe feeling like they are going through the motions without any genuine emotional connection to their experiences.  This numbness makes it difficult to connect with others or find pleasure in activities that were once enjoyable.

Depression is not solely confined to the realm of emotions; it can also manifest in physical symptoms that often go unnoticed or are attributed to other causes.

One such symptom is unexplained muscle aches or pains.  Individuals with depression may experience bodily discomfort without any discernible physical cause.  These aches can be widespread or localized, & they exacerbate the feelings of fatigue & overall malaise that accompany depression.

Sleep & appetite disturbances are also common physical signs of depression.  Some people may find themselves sleeping excessively, struggling to get out of bed, while others may experience insomnia or restless sleep.  Similarly, depression can lead to changes in appetite, causing some individuals to lose interest in food & experience weight loss, while others may turn to food for comfort & experience weight gain.

Lastly, depression also can cause individuals to neglect their appearance.  They may find it challenging to summon the motivation to shower regularly, style their hair, or wear makeup.  This neglect further damages their self-esteem.

Depression is a multifaceted condition that affects individuals in countless ways.  By recognizing the signs that often go unnoticed, we can create a more supportive environment for those living with depression.  It is essential to approach these signs with empathy, understanding that depression is a legitimate & complex illness.  If you or someone you know is experiencing any of these signs, reach out to a safe friend or mental health professional who can help you.

When Insecure People Are Toxic

Have you ever met someone who seemed to make you feel inferior, no matter what you did?  Maybe they were critical of everything you said or did, or maybe they exhibited narcissistic behaviors that made you feel like you were always failing, wrong or walking on eggshells around them.  These people can be toxic, & oftentimes, their behavior stems from deep-seated insecurity that they’re not willing to address. 

Insecure people often exhibit behaviors that can be harmful to those around them.  They may act smug or superior to hide their insecurity, in an effort to make others feel inferior.  They may find comfort in routine & stability, to the point that they resist change.  This means that they’ll fight change hard enough to hurt others, even if the change is necessary.  They can also be very critical & competitive, always trying to prove themselves, put others down or do both at the same time.  Many even exhibit narcissistic behaviors to hide their insecurity, some evolving into full-blown narcissists.  These behaviors can be especially harmful if they’re not addressed.

It’s important to note that not all insecure people exhibit toxic behavior.  Some may keep their insecurity to themselves, while others may actively work to address it in healthy ways.  However, when insecurity is allowed to fester & manifest in harmful behaviors, it can become toxic.

It’s also worth mentioning that everyone experiences insecurity at some point in their lives.  It’s perfectly natural.  However, it’s how we deal with that insecurity that can make it toxic.  If we’re not willing to address it, it can manifest in harmful ways that hurt both ourselves & those around us.

If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who exhibits this type of harmful behavior, you need to take action to protect yourself & those around you.  The first step is to ask God for help.  Pray for wisdom, discernment & guidance in identifying the toxic behavior & the best course of action to take.

When dealing with someone like this, it’s also important to logically question what the toxic person is saying.  Don’t take their criticism or put-downs at face value.  Instead, ask yourself if what they’re saying is true.  If it’s not, don’t internalize their negativity.  And ask them other questions such as to clarify what they’re saying, why they are saying this & what evidence do they have that what they’re saying is true.

Setting healthy boundaries is also a must.  Be clear about what behavior is acceptable & what is not.  It may mean limiting your interactions with the toxic person, or even ending the relationship altogether if they’re unwilling to change the behaviors that they know continually hurts you.

If you find yourself feeling guilty about ending a toxic relationship, remember that staying enables their bad behavior & hurts you.  No good comes from that.  It’s important to prioritize your own well-being & surround yourself with positive, supportive people who lift you up instead of tearing you down.

Ending a toxic relationship can be difficult, but it’s often necessary for your own = well-being.  You deserve to be treated with respect & kindness!  You also have the power to create healthy relationships in your life.

Ultimately, it’s up to the toxic person to address their insecurity & harmful behavior.  You can’t force them to change, but you can take control of your own life & set boundaries that protect you from their toxicity.  You can protect yourself from their toxicity & create healthy, positive relationships in your life.

Validation & Praise

Growing up with abusive parents is a truly horrific experience.  The abuse takes a deep root inside of you & does a tremendous amount of damage.  One common way that damage manifests is the need for validation from other people.  If you think this doesn’t describe you, then please read on anyway.  You just might learn something about yourself.

External validation is great.  It’s always nice when other people praise you or say that something that was done to you was wrong.  However, adult children of abusive parents often take the desire for such things to an extreme.  It is quite clear that is what is happening when a person displays certain behaviors.

Someone who drops hints about something good they have done or a good quality they have may be seeking external validation.  The praise that other people give them in such situations is very welcomed since it tells this person that they really are OK, good, smart, attractive, valuable, etc.

Similarly, exaggerating a person’s good deeds or qualities is another cry for external validation.  As the saying goes, you don’t see commercials for Rolls Royce cars because they know their worth & value.  They don’t need to convince others they are great.  Anyone who feels they must magnify their good qualities is doing so in the hopes of gaining praise & external validation.

Excessive posting on social media can be a sign of someone looking for external validation.  Someone who shares a lot about their life on social media may be seeking “likes” & positive comments as a way to gain some external validation.

Please don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying a person who mentions something positive they have done, a positive quality they have or who shares on social media is completely dysfunctional.  Not at all!  I’m simply saying these things when done in excess can be a sign of someone who is seeking external validation & that is unhealthy.

External validation is great, but it truly shouldn’t be extremely, over the top important to anyone.  If it is, this is a sign of something wrong, such as low self esteem or envy.  It also can be a sign of a personality disorder.  Narcissists clearly take this to an extreme since they demand approval & praise from others, but those with Borderline Personality Disorder may also seek external validation frequently.

Being hyper-focused on external validation can be truly disruptive to a person’s life.  It can damage or ruin relationships with its neediness.  Even the most patient people get tired of feeling as if they constantly must reassure someone at some point. 

If you feel a strong need for external validation, you can fix this problem!  I know, because I once felt that need but no longer do.  I hope what I did helps you too!

The first step for me was to turn to God.  I asked Him for help, to show me what I needed to do to be healthier & to help me understand who He says I am.  I also studied what the Bible says about believers.  There are a lot of Scriptures about what God thinks of His children!  It’s very eye opening!

I watched my behavior, too.  If I realized I was starting to seek validation from other people, I stopped myself.  I asked myself why I felt this was necessary.  I also asked myself why I felt I needed the approval of this particular person.  If that person was dysfunctional, I realized that their approval truly wasn’t important.  They naturally would only praise dysfunctional behaviors so why would I want their validation?!  I also realized that those who are functional won’t make me feel I have to beg for validation.  They offer it freely.

Rather than turning to people for validation, I turned inward.  I acknowledged my feelings & thoughts.  If I felt that I did something well, I praised myself.  If I recognized something I’ve been through was wrong or bad, I told myself that.  My validation became good enough for me.  That took some time but it did happen & was well worth the wait!

I hope if you are seeking external validation in excess, you can change your ways.  People are fallible human beings, which means they will fail you sometimes.  Constantly looking to them for validation is setting yourself up for disappointment.  Instead, turning to God for it & learning to validate yourself will be much more fulfilling for you!

You Matter!

Since my readers & followers consist primarily of people who have survived narcissistic abuse as I have, I naturally try to provide information to help either in dealing with narcissists, going no contact or healing from narcissistic abuse.  Simple encouragement, however, doesn’t happen all that often, & that is wrong on my part.  Everyone needs encouragement sometimes, & that is what I want to do today.

Victims of narcissistic abuse usually don’t realize their true worth & value.  How could they when narcissists do their level best to make sure their victims’ self esteem is utterly destroyed?  When a narcissist reminds you constantly about all of your faults, even ones you really don’t have, maintaining any sense of self esteem is nearly impossible.  So today, I just want you to know that no matter what a narcissist has told you, you matter.

You may think God made mistakes when He made you, but He certainly didn’t!  He made you as He did for valid reasons!  Ephesians 2:10 in the Good News Bible says, “God has made us what we are, and in our union with Christ Jesus he has created us for a life of good deeds, which he has already prepared for us to do.”  And, Psalm 139:16 says, “you saw me before I was born.  The days allotted to me. had all been recorded in your book, before any of them ever began.”  Clearly, God knew what He was doing when He made you, so obviously you mean so much to Him.

You may think no one would notice if you just disappeared from the lives of the people you love, but that isn’t true.  They would miss you & be devastated if you were no longer a part of their lives.  You fill a special place in their lives that no one else but you ever could fill.  You matter a great deal to them.

You may think the man or woman you love needs you to be low maintenance, to avoid “bothering” this person with your needs, wants or feelings, but that isn’t true.  Someone who truly loves you wants to know all about your needs, wants & feelings.  And, believe it or not, they will be happy to do things for you.  This person is with you because they don’t love anyone like they love you, & they want to share their life with you.  You matter so much to this person.

If you have children, you are of the utmost importance to them.  Children love their parents automatically.  I’m sure you have made mistakes raising your children & think that makes you an awful parent, but you’re wrong.  All parents make mistakes.  There is nothing wrong with that so long as you apologize & make things right to the best of your ability.  You taking care of your children, showing them love & protecting them makes you a wonderful parent, & you children love you.  You matter more to them than you realize.

If you have pets, I can promise that you matter a great deal to your pets too.  Animals may offer unconditional love, but even so, they aren’t happy with people who dislike them or mistreat them.  If your pet greets you when you come home, snuggles up to you while you watch tv or sleep, or just generally wants to be in your space, those are just some of the signs that say you matter a great deal to your baby.

Today, just remember that no matter what any terrible, cruel narcissist has said, you matter.  You matter much more than you know to those people in your life.  You aren’t whatever the narcissist told you that you were.  They only said such things as a way to hurt you.  In fact, what narcissists criticize most is what they are the most envious of in their victims.  They criticize those things to make their victims feel those special things about them aren’t really special, not because they mean what they are saying.  They know they are lying, even though they won’t admit it.  Just remember that, & give their lies no credibility. 

Starting today, please start reminding yourself often that you matter, because you truly do matter!  And while you’re at it, ask God to show you that you matter.  He will be more than happy to do so!

Lacking A Healthy Perspective About Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse

When you have been abused by a narcissist (or several!), you are going to have ongoing issues as a result of their abuse.  This is likely to continue for many years, even long after the abuse has ended or even after the abuser dies.  Today we’ll be discussing one of the lesser discussed yet potentially devastating issues: lacking a healthy perspective about yourself.

Not long ago, in emailing with a friend, I mentioned something traumatic that my mother did to me when I was in my teens.  She was floored, then told me how horrible it was & how badly she felt for me.  I was stunned by her reaction.  Yes I knew it was traumatic but somehow I didn’t think it was all that bad.  This same scenario happened a few times.  Then a few weeks after that first email conversation, during a phone call to a different friend, the scenario happened yet again.  I mentioned a past traumatic experience, & she too was flabbergasted.  And again, I was stunned since I didn’t think of the experience was all that terrible.

Being prone to over thinking everything, these experiences got me thinking.  I didn’t understand why I didn’t think these experiences were so bad, yet other people did.  It isn’t like they haven’t been through the same & worse experiences, & I recognized theirs were pretty terrible. 

Then, I learned something interesting that at first I thought was unrelated.  I’m always tired, & I assumed it was because I can’t get to sleep or stay asleep without medication, & have constant nightmares.  Not long ago I got a smart watch that monitors all kinds of health processes including sleep.  It showed me that I get virtually no deep sleep.  That explained why I’m always tired, but not why I don’t get deep sleep.  I researched this & found PTSD & C-PTSD cause a person not to get the deep sleep they need.  Upon learning this, my first thought was, “wow, I really DO have C-PTSD!”  My second thought was wondering what is wrong with me?!  I’ve had symptoms of it for my entire life!  How could I doubt it?  Suddenly, things began to make sense when I thought not only of this but my interactions with my friends a few weeks prior. 

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, they dictate everything about that relationship as well as about you.  They do this through gaslighting.  After being exposed to this toxic behavior long enough, a person takes on the narcissist’s narrative.  If the narcissist claims you’re stupid enough, you believe you are in spite of having an above average IQ.  They claim you’re fat?  Absolutely believable, even if the scale says you only weigh 110 pounds.  This gaslighting goes much deeper than those superficial issues however.  Narcissists all convince their victims that what they’re doing isn’t so bad, clearly it’s not abusive, it never happened, or if it did then it’s their victim’s fault. 

This gaslighting also branches into the realm of health conditions too.  Narcissists are the only ones who have any sort of health problems, at least according to them.  Also, narcissists aren’t above faking an injury or illness or even making themselves sick, they assume everyone does it.  These two things mean that narcissists don’t care when their victims have any problems.  They assume their victims are just faking as they would do.  Or, if there is undeniable proof of a problem, they minimize it so they don’t have to pretend to care or to help the victim.

This gaslighting is why I was shocked my friends not only saw the events in my life as traumatic, but validated me & cared how I was affected as well.  It also explains why I felt surprised to find proof I really do have C-PTSD, in spite of having the symptoms for so long. 

If this sounds familiar to you, my heart goes out to you.  I wish I could help you fix this right now, but I can’t.  I can tell you some things that I’m finding out that help me though & I think they’ll help you too. 

Prayer certainly helps!  I have asked God to help me have a healthier perspective on myself & talk to Him regularly about this.  Also, when I recognize any minimizing behavior in myself, I tell myself the truth about the situation instead.  Progress has been slow going with me, but it’s still progress & that counts!   

Why Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse Often Hate Themselves

Relatively speaking, very few victims of narcissistic abuse escape the abuse without feeling intense self-hatred.  There are plenty of reasons for this.

The main reason for this of course is narcissists.  They do their best to annihilate their victims’ self-esteem in order to control them.  A person who doubts their intelligence will listen to what others tell them to do.  A person who thinks no one else would put up with them will stay in a relationship, no matter how toxic.  A person who feels worthless will tolerate any treatment because they don’t believe they deserve better.  But, there are other reasons too.

Someone who was involved in either a romantic relationship or a friendship with a narcissist will feel terrible for not seeing the red flags of narcissism or taking too long to leave or for putting up with the abuse for however long they did.  Even understanding that narcissists are phenomenal actors that can fool anyone doesn’t really help a person in this situation feel much better. 

Also, other people who weren’t directly involved with the abuse even can make victims hate themselves.

People who imply or even outright say that the victim is to blame for the abuse can make victims hate themselves.  When you are in the fragile place of recently having escaped an abusive relationship, someone blaming you for picking the wrong partner or friend or for making the abuser abuse you can be devastating.  It makes a person wonder what they possibly could have done any better or differently.  In these relationships, victims give their all & it’s not good enough, yet they still feel like failures for not doing enough. 

It’s also common to feel guilty for constantly upsetting the narcissist to the point of abusing because that is how narcissists make their victims feel.  They never take responsibility for anything but instead, dump all responsibility on their victims.  Having survived this then being reminded of your supposed failures with the relationship by outsiders can be utterly devastating to one’s emotions as well as self esteem.

When other people suggest something is wrong with the victim for not being “over it” by now or taking too long to heal, that too can cause self-hatred.  It makes a person feel like a burden for not being ok rather than safe knowing they are with someone who won’t judge or criticize them.  And feeling like a burden is horrible for the self-esteem!

The minimization & even denial of the abuse also can cause serious blows to one’s self-esteem.  Until a person truly understands just how bad their experience was with an abusive narcissist, they are very susceptible to shaming.  When someone says the abuse wasn’t that bad or flatly denies it happened, that will create unnecessary shame in a victim which naturally devastates their self-esteem.

If you are experiencing self-hatred due to situations like I’ve mentioned, please, PLEASE know this isn’t right!  You don’t deserve to feel that way!  You weren’t abused because there is something wrong with you.  There was something wrong with the narcissist!  If other people are too foolish to see it or unwilling to see it, that is also not a reflection of you.  That is their dysfunction showing.  Don’t ever forget that!  Xoxo

How Narcissists Make Victims Lose Themselves

When you are subjected to narcissistic abuse, you lose yourself.  You often feel as if you’re being fake.  Sadly, the truth is you are being fake, but not because of some flaw in you.

Narcissists do their best to mold their victims into whatever they want them to be.  To do this, they start by destroying their victim’s personality.  They convince victims that they don’t like the things they do like, & they like things they don’t like.  They also convince victims that they feel a certain way about things that is completely untrue. 

Gaslighting is a very effective way to accomplish this.  By repeatedly swearing that a victim has said or hasn’t said something & even getting angry about it, a victim often starts to believe that the narcissist is telling the truth.  Denial & making a person question their memories

Invalidation is also helpful in forwarding a narcissist’s agenda.  Convincing someone that they have some deep flaws for feeling as they do will change their mind about their feelings.  No one wants to be labeled as intensely flawed or even crazy, so they change their mind.

Narcissists also make their victims feel as if they are a disappointment, & the narcissist deserves better than that.  This guilt makes victims work harder to please the narcissist, yet they can’t do it.  The narcissist continually changes what they want & makes the goals loftier & unattainable. 

Gaslighting, invalidation & this disappointment all work together to make victims feel shame.  They feel ashamed of themselves, of who they are, of their beliefs, of what they want, think & feel… of everything about themselves.  Once this toxic shame takes root in a person, they become very easy to manipulate & control, which is why narcissists work so hard to accomplish this.

If you feel this way, you’re not alone!  I have been there too.  First my mother tried to mold me into what she wanted from me, then my ex husband did.  By the time I was in my mid 20’s, I had no idea who I really was or what I really liked, didn’t like, believed… it was a nightmare!  It took time but I finally got to know the real me, & you know something?  That person is ok! 

If you’re reading this now, I want you to know that the real you is ok too!  I also want you to know that you need to get to know this person that God made you to be, without the input of the narcissist. 

Start questioning everything.  Ask yourself how you genuinely feel about things.  For example, do you like the kind of music you do because the narcissist told you that you liked it, or is it truly your taste?  What about the kind of work you do- do you enjoy it or did your narcissistic parent tell you that you needed to get into this line of work?

If the narcissist is still in your life, question everything he or she tells you, especially about how you feel about things.  While the narcissist most likely claims to know you better than you know yourself, this is nothing but a lie.  You know you better & if you get to know yourself well, then nothing the narcissist says can cause you to doubt yourself or change yourself into someone you’re not ever again!

About Body Dysmorphia & Narcissistic Abuse During Childhood

Body dysmorphia is a mental disorder in which a person obsesses over flaws in their appearance.  The flaws may be real or not.  A person with body dysmorphia also often avoids other people because of feeling such embarrassment & even shame over their flaws.  They also may seek surgery or other ways of fixing these supposed flaws in their appearance.  The solutions may only provide temporary relief, but often the anxiety over the flaws returns.

Body dysmorphia can result from abnormalities or injuries to the brain.  A family history of the disorder also can lead to a person being prone to developing it.  I believe it also can be the result of narcissistic abuse.

Negative comments about something can be hurtful.  If they are negative enough, they can make a person feel very self conscience.  Narcissists don’t simply say a few random negative comments periodically, however.  They frequently say the most scathing, cruel, vicious criticisms they can come up with in order to annihilate their victim’s self esteem, because a person with no self esteem is easy to control.  One area narcissists often focus on is someone’s appearance.

Naturally when a parent says such things to their child, the likelihood of that child accepting the criticisms as truth is greater than if those same words were spoken to an adult by a stranger.  Parents have a tremendous influence over their children, & children naturally accept what their parents say as true, even when it isn’t.  Children’s brains are still forming too, which also makes it easier for them to accept their parents’ words as truth rather than question them.

When a child of a narcissistic parent grows up, it’s very likely that they will marry a narcissist.  It’s also likely that the narcissist they marry will repeat certain patterns that their parents employed.  Insulting the adult child of narcissistic parents in the area of their appearance is a common phenomenon.

When I was growing up, my mother was extremely critical of how I looked.  While she never said the word “fat”, she implied I was extremely fat more times than I can count.  Looking back at pictures of me as a child now though I realize I wasn’t fat at all, I was a normal weight.

Later when I married my ex husband, he continued her abuse in this area.  He also never told me I was fat, but constantly implied that I needed to lose weight.  I eventually lost weight & was too thin, yet I still wasn’t thin enough for his liking.

My situation is far from abnormal among adult children of narcissistic parents.

If you have experienced this as well, know that you are far from alone!  Many people who have suffered with Body Dysmorphia after experiencing narcissistic abuse.

I never went to therapy about this because I didn’t realize it was something treatable through therapy, plus after bad experiences in therapy, I lacked trust in the mental health system.  This caused me to look for my own ways to conquer Body Dysmorphia.  While therapy is most likely the most effective way, I thought I would share my ideas anyway in case anyone reading this prefers to handle the situation on their own as I did.

During the time I was going through the worst of the Body Dysmorphia, I didn’t believe in God.  Prayer wasn’t going to happen.  I wish I had because no doubt God would have helped me so much more than anything I did without Him!  Please learn from my mistake & pray. 

Also, listen to what other people tell you.  I spent my entire life dismissing complements rather than accepting them with a simple “thank you.”  People don’t give complements easily.  Listen to what they say because they mean them!

Look at yourself objectively.  Ask yourself if what the narcissist said makes any sense.  Most likely, it won’t. 

When you hear the narcissist telling you about all of your flaws, question those things. 

Doing these things won’t make Body Dysmorphia disappear overnight.  Sometimes I wonder if it’ll ever vanish entirely since even years later, I still am quite insecure about my looks.  But, at the very least they will help you to feel much less insecure, & that isn’t a bad worst case scenario!

Thoughts On Being Comfortable With Who God Made You To Be

I recently had an interesting dream.  In it, I was at a concert of one of my favorite bands ever, Motorhead.  The dream was a bit odd since I’m not exactly a concert goer.  Watching them on TV is as close as I get.

When I woke up, I prayed then looked up what music & concerts meant on my favorite dream dictionary website, dreammoods.com.  According to the site, dreaming of a concert symbolizes unity & cooperation.  Very cool.. my husband & I were moving soon & the dream made me realize how well we’re working together to accomplish this.  Dreaming of music meant something different though.  The site said that dreaming of music depends on the dreamer.  Each genres means something different & if the genre is something you like, the music is offering you advice.  When I read this, it clicked in my brain immediately.

I’ve been a Motorhead fan for a long time, but in particular a fan of their late singer, Lemmy Kilmister.  In some ways he was your typical heavy metal musician.  But, in other ways he wasn’t & I always thought those ways were really interesting.  Not only was he highly intelligent but had a very unique personality.  He was fascinated by history.  Most of all though, he was unapologetic for being himself.  Not like a narcissist of course, just he had this attitude of, “This is who I am.  I like me.  Your approval isn’t required.”  Never having such an attitude myself, I admire & even somewhat envy it in others.

I believe my dream was trying to tell me that I need to share Lemmy’s attitude.  There is nothing wrong with being comfortable in your own skin & not caring what others think about you.  I realize narcissists try to make victims feel that way, but that doesn’t mean they’re right.  They don’t want victims to feel that way because an insecure victim with low, or better yet NO, self esteem is easy to control.  A person who is insecure doesn’t know what they want, think, feel & believe, which means they are going to be easily controlled.

Someone who has a healthy self esteem, however, is a threat to narcissists.  They know who they are.  They know what they want, think, feel & believe.  They are well aware of their boundaries.  Because of such things, they aren’t easily controlled or manipulated.  They may be briefly but they catch on fast, & put an end to being treated that way even if it means ending the relationship.

Anyway I don’t think the lesson in this dream was only for me.  I think it was for other victims of narcissistic abuse.  If it was for you too, I’m sure this resonates with you as it did with me.

I have tried to develop Lemmy’s attitude.  This is what I figured out about how to do that.

Naturally pray.  Ask God to tell you the truth about yourself.  That alone is eye opening!  I did that myself some time ago & was shocked at what He had to say.  He told me to research the personality of wolves, because that is what he created me to be like.  I assume because of being such an animal lover, that was why He used that example.  It was fascinating & so eye opening!  I never would have thought that is what God created me to be like.

Once you do this, remind yourself often of whatever it is He tells you about yourself.  Having the knowledge is a good thing of course, but reminding yourself of it often is what will get that knowledge inside of you.  This was where I made my mistake.  I didn’t focus on it as much as I should have, which is probably why I had the dream.  Learn from my mistake!  Think about what He said.  If it helps leave notes or pictures around your home that remind you of it.  Let this valuable knowledge get inside you & help you to blossom into the wonderful person He created you to be!

“You Can’t Love Someone Until You Love Yourself”

One cliche I’ve heard my entire life was “You can’t love someone until you love yourself.”  My mother said it periodically when I was growing up, & somehow it never felt right to me even when I was just a little kid.

As an adult, I have come to realize how wrong this is, & how shaming as well.

Wrong because just because a person has low or no self esteem, doesn’t mean they are incapable of love.  It only means they don’t love themselves.  People who feel this way are very capable of loving others, & it shows when they love their spouse, children, family, friends, pets.   I was this same way for many years.  I absolutely hated myself, yet absolutely adored certain people in my life as well as my pets.  They all meant the world to me & I would have done anything for any of them.

This phrase is shaming because it makes people feel that they lack this one basic skill any human being has, to love.  Victims of narcissistic abuse already have enough shame to deal with thanks to the narcissists in their lives.  They don’t need any more false, toxic shame heaped onto them.

What can be true, although certainly is not true in all cases, is if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love others in a Godly & healthy way.  In cases where someone has been abused in childhood, that person may not yet know how to love someone in a healthy way.  They may think if they love someone enough, they can fix their abusive ways.  In fact, this may seem good or even Godly to the dysfunctional person.  Sadly, many people support such dysfunctional thinking, encouraging the unhealthy behaviors.  Some folks even will quote Scriptures that are taken totally out of context to validate their beliefs.

A dysfunctional person also may think boundaries are selfish & unloving, so they think telling someone no is a bad thing.  Out of good intentions, they allow other people to come first in their lives, even if it costs them their health, finances, or peace.  They mistakenly hurt themselves under the delusion they’re being loving.

Similarly, a dysfunctional person may think that giving a person whatever they want is the most loving thing they can do for someone.  They fail to realize that sometimes, people need to struggle for what they want in order to learn to appreciate things.

Many dysfunctional people also think that if they are just nice enough or good enough, they can make an abusive person love them.  They don’t realize that is impossible, because abusers are incapable of true, Godly love.  They also fail to realize that the harder they try, the more abusive an abuser will become, because they see this person as weak & willing to please them at any personal cost.  I experienced this first hand.  My late mother in-law hated me.  Being young & naive, I wanted her to like me, so I tried hard to make that happen.  Nothing I did was good enough, & our relationship only got worse.

The fact is, to love others, we must learn what true love really is.  It is wanting what is best for another person rather than what we want from that person.  It is wanting them to succeed in life, & enjoy their life.  It is wanting them to live whatever their best life is, even if it goes against something we would like for them.  Mostly, it is wanting others to have a close personal relationship with their Heavenly Father.  Any person can want these things for other people, even when they don’t love themselves.

About Being True To Yourself

Anyone who knows me knows I am deeply into music.  Although I love all kinds of music, one of my favorite bands ever is the famous rock band, Queen.  Their unique sound & ability to mix all types of sounds to make music is absolutely incredible to me.  “Normal” music bores me so the uniqueness that always has been Queen is super appealing to me.

Anyone who knows me also knows my way of thinking is a bit skewed from what normal people think.  That ties into my Queen fandom, so please bear with me….

Recently I was listening to my favorite Queen song, “The Show Must Go On.”  The song was written by Brian May, the band’s incredibly talented guitarist & by the way also an astrophysicist, for the band’s singer, Freddie Mercury as he was dying from AIDS.  The band members were incredibly close friends, & this song was his gift to Freddie.  The story goes, at the time they were to record it, Freddie was quite ill & the other band members weren’t sure he would be able to sing long enough to create the single.  Upon hearing their concerns, he slammed down a shot of liquor & said he’d do it… then proceeded to create the vocals in only one take.  Pretty impressive especially for a dying man, don’t you think?

Yet, this isn’t something that was un-typical for the magnificent singer.

An extremely shy man, Freddie Mercury created an on stage persona that was very different from his true personality.  His fans loved the extrovert he was on stage, yet in spite of that, when he was off stage, he stayed true to his true shy nature.  His private life stayed private as much as possible.

In spite of being known for being shy, Freddie Mercury had a healthy self esteem.  Many people assume being shy means having low self esteem, but that isn’t always the case.  He recognized his talent as well as his shortcomings.  As a result, he also was very accepting of others & non-judgmental.

Freddie Mercury was comfortable with who he was.  Ok, he was not perfect, but who is?  Even so, this man was clearly comfortable in his own skin.

Also, he wasn’t afraid to step out of the box.  He did many unique things.  The opinions of others really weren’t important to him.  That isn’t a bad thing at all!  Everyone should have such confidence in stepping out of the box!

Thinking of these things, I was reminded yet again that Freddie Mercury is quite the role model.  Yes, I know, he had issues.  But honestly.. don’t we all have some issues??  He was true to himself & that is a wonderful thing!  We should strive to be true to ourselves as well.

I think most of us can learn a thing or two from this amazing man!

Naturally as Christians, we need to keep God first in our lives.  That being said though, it sure wouldn’t hurt any of us to learn a few lessons from Freddie Mercury.

Whatever you do, stay true to yourself, be comfortable in your own skin & don’t be afraid to step outside of the box.  What other people think isn’t important.  And yes, this is aimed at those who survived narcissists!  You take care of yourself, be true to yourself & don’t be afraid of trying anything different.  If you want to dye your hair pink or blue or purple, then by all means, DO IT!!!  Get that tattoo, change your wardrobe into something entirely different from your normal.  Don’t let the opinions of other people determine what you should & shouldn’t do.  I know this can be so hard when you were raised by narcissistic parents, but it’s so important to break away from their mindset.  They don’t know you as the person God created you to be.  They don’t understand His will for your life.  And that is fine.  You know these things & you know that you need to do God’s will for your life.  Do it & enjoy every single moment!

Revelation About Hating My Body

Lately my hormones are all over the place. In my late 40’s, I know it’s normal, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it.  I griped some to my husband about it one day recently, which I almost never do.  Usually I try to hide any physical or mental problems from him.  He’s got enough to deal with plus although I’ve improved, I’m still not overly comfortable admitting when I feel under the weather.

Anyway, after listening to me gripe, he said, “Can I ask you something? Why do you hate your body so much?” I was surprised by the question & immediately thought of many things. My looks have always been the main thing my mother & ex husband insulted about me, so I’ve always felt ugly thanks to their cruel words & wished I looked differently.  I have pain from arthritis, & now out of whack hormones.  I’ve also gotten taller & just bigger from the birth control I’ve been on for years.  Then there are the symptoms I developed after Carbon Monoxide poisoning in 2015.  It seemed at the moment like I had plenty of things to hate about my body.

Then, later on that afternoon, I wasn’t even thinking about this conversation when suddenly it popped into my mind out of the blue & I realized something… I blame my body for the actions of other people, as well as hating it for doing normal things!  How ridiculous is that?!

All of this has caused me a great deal of shame over my life.  Thanks to the constant criticism of how I look, I’ve always been very ashamed of my looks & felt incredibly ugly & disgusting.  I’ve been ashamed of getting arthritis when I was only 31 years old because it’s abnormal.  Truth be told, it’s probably a direct result of living with narcissistic abuse since it often causes inflammatory disorders.  The symptoms from the Carbon Monoxide Poisoning & crazy hormones?  Both are very normal & nothing to be ashamed of.

After some prayer, I think all of my faulty thinking stems from being raised the way I was.  My mother criticized everything about my looks my entire life, I assume because I look like my father’s mother & not her side of the family.  No doubt that was a disappointment to her.  In fact, she probably felt betrayed by that as most narcissists would.  As a result, I grew up hating everything about my looks, & not believing anyone who said I was pretty.  My ex husband later reinforced this in me by being so critical.

Then there was sickness. Anytime I was sick or injured as a child was nothing but an inconvenience to my mother.  She obviously resented taking care of me.  As an adult, she didn’t believe me when something was wrong unless it was very obvious (the flu, a broken toe that was black & blue, etc).  This taught me that I was wrong to be sick or injured.  I’ve actually felt like my body has betrayed me by being sick or injured when nothing could be further from the truth.  It also had me not believing my own symptoms, thinking I must be faking them or at least exaggerating things.

When I realized all of this, I thought there may be others who are going through the same thing, so I figured I should share it.

If you feel the same way, then know you’re not alone. We can change this dysfunctional thinking.

Start by praying about it.  Ask God to show you the truth & ask Him for help healing from it.

I believe that it’s important to get to the root of problems if you wish to heal completely, so to do that, I ask God what is the root of this issue?  Sometimes, He’ll bring a specific memory to my mind.  Other times, several memories come to mind.

Once you see the root cause of your false belief, aside from asking God for more help, also look at the situation objectively.  When you look at it as an outsider rather than a victim, you can see just how evil your abuser is & how wrong the things they taught you were.

Also, look at yourself objectively not through the eyes of someone trained to self hate through narcissistic abuse.  Psalm 139:14 says that we are fearfully & wonderfully made.  Rather than hating your body, consider that verse.   God made you the way you are for a reason, & it is a good reason!  Consider the good things about your body- how you look & the things you can do.  Just because someone told you that you’re ugly or didn’t care when you were sick or injured doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.  What it does mean is that the person who said such things to you has some serious problems!

Those Who Have Been Abused Don’t Think They Deserve Care

Abusers destroy their victim’s self-esteem.  The more completely they can destroy that, the more completely they can rule their victim.  Yet in spite of the destruction, many victims reach a point of breaking away from their abuser, whether the person is a spouse, friend or parent.

 

Unfortunately, that only is the beginning.  So much damage is done, especially to the self-esteem.  That low self-esteem causes all kinds of problems for a victim, including believing that she is unworthy of care.  Abusers make sure their victims know that they don’t matter, which means their pain doesn’t matter either.  That false belief can follow a person for years even after the abuse has ended.

 

So many victims don’t believe they deserve to be cared for or even validated, when nothing could be further from the truth!  They are easy to spot too- they are the ones saying their situation “wasn’t so bad,” or, “So & So had it much worse than me,” or even, “It was only mental/sexual abuse.”

 

Dear Reader, today I want you to know that you *do* matter!  Your abuser was absolutely wrong!  You deserve to have your pain acknowledged & validated!  It doesn’t matter if someone else “had it worse” than you- abuse is painful & destructive, period!

 

I know it’s hard to really understand that you matter after years of being told you don’t, but it’s the truth!  God has a purpose for everyone & everything in this world, which includes you.  You matter & God loves you!

 

If you truly want to heal, you need to start by understanding that you have been through some terrible things.  Acknowledge that rather than saying it wasn’t a big deal or someone else had it worse.  What was done to you was wrong!  You matter, & you didn’t deserve to have those horrible things done to you.

 

Also, please remember how much God loves you.  Healing is the hardest thing you may do in your life- you need His love & support.  He truly will help you to cope & even to learn to love yourself.

 

Romans 8:35-39  “35 Who shall ever separate us from the love of [a]Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 Just as it is written and forever remains written, “For Your sake we are put to death all day long; We are regarded as sheep for the slaughter.”  37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors and gain an overwhelming victory through Him who loved us [so much that He died for us]. 38 For I am convinced [and continue to be convinced—beyond any doubt] that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present and threatening, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the [unlimited] love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  (AMP)