When Narcissists Instill Fear In Their Victims

One way narcissists abuse their victims is by invoking fear in their victims.  Some narcissists may threaten their victim openly by threatening physical violence if they disobey the narcissist or something similar.  More commonly though, narcissists don’t threaten so openly.  They prefer stealthy type threats.

Think about it. How many times has a narcissist given you a look that struck deep fear into your heart?  Or, maybe they made a certain disapproving sigh or groan that told you that you were in trouble.  Sometimes, they use certain phrases, too.  They may say things like,

• Just keep it up!
• You really need to…
• If things don’t change, I don’t know what I’ll do.
• You make me so mad!  You’re lucky all I did was…

The goal of narcissists in these situations is to rule the lives of their victims by striking intense fear in them.  The more terrified a victim, the less likely that victim will tell other people about the narcissist’s actions, confront the narcissist or even leave the narcissist.

When this happens it can be very easy to feel blind terror, not knowing exactly what the narcissist has in mind to do to you.  Narcissists clearly are capable of evil, but they seem to make victims wonder exactly what kind of evil?  If I disobey, will this person hurt or even kill me? 

Rather than give into that blind terror, I want to encourage you to consider the situation objectively.

Chances are, you’ll realize that the narcissist is nothing more than a bully, trying to scare you with words rather than physically hurt you.  But, don’t assume that is all that is happening.  Many narcissists escalate their behavior slowly over time & they can turn physically abusive.  The escalation can happen so slowly that the victim doesn’t even realize it is escalation.  When you are caught up in simply surviving such a toxic, awful relationship, it can be very easy to miss the warning signs of the relationship becoming even more toxic.

You can know if your situation is escalating by considering this person’s behavior.  If this person has started yelling more or using some physically intimidating behaviors such as punching walls or standing over you as you sit, these could be warning signs that he or she will turn physically violent at some point.  If the narcissist in your life begins behaving in this way, things are clearly escalating.  You need to separate yourself from this person if at all possible & protect yourself!

Whether or not the relationship turns physically violent, it is still abusive & you don’t deserve to be treated this way.  If you want to get away but are unable to do so, try contacting your local domestic violence shelter or a hotline.  Talk to safe friends or family who might be able to help.  Contact a church for assistance & resources.  There are ways to escape abusive relationships even when it looks like there is no way out! 

Ways The Spirit Of Fear Can Manifest

No matter how deep a person’s faith, we all make mistakes sometimes.  But, when a person’s actions don’t match their proclamation of faith more than they do match, it can be very hard to believe they are truly Christians.  In praying about this topic, God showed me some very interesting things.

A person truly can be born again, yet not act the part sometimes.  They can trust in the Gospel message, yet not trust that God wants to help them in their day to day life.

This can happen with someone who has serious health issues.  I once belonged to a traumatic brain injury support group online.  I wasn’t in the group long, because I noticed many members were intensely selfish, even ones who claimed to be Christians.  They weren’t obviously out to use & abuse other people like narcissists are, but clearly if something wasn’t about them, they weren’t interested. 

Christians also may not behave like Christians if they have a distrust of parent figures.  When a person was raised by at least one narcissistic parent, they most likely have a deep fear of all parental figures.  When you grew up with parents who were not only unsafe, but blatantly cruel & had no concern for your own needs, you will not trust God to be the loving father He claims to be in the Bible. 

Both of these issues can make even a Christian behave badly, & they both boil down to fear. 

Whether someone is sick, handicapped or raised by abusive parents, their core issue with God is they don’t trust Him.  When a person has serious health problems, they become self absorbed.  They suddenly have to consider their needs often & have to rely on other people to meet certain needs for the first time.  It can be very easy to become afraid of these needs not being met.

Or, they may feel that their earthly mother or father didn’t care about their needs, so why would anyone, even their Heavenly Father?  After all, He’s a parent & parents are selfish & don’t care about their children.  They fear others not being there for them or loving them, & often don’t even realize they feel this way.

When not confronted, fear can open the door for the spirit of fear.  2 Timothy 1:7 in the Amplified Bible states, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].”  Considering this verse gave me some insight into why some professing Christians don’t act like Christians.  They function with a spirit of fear.

I noticed after surviving carbon monoxide poisoning I was heading in this direction.  I had no idea what to expect from my health, thanks to the doctors giving me no information.  I also realized quickly that I had brain damage.  I had to learn quickly what was happening.  The more I learned, the more afraid I got.  The more afraid I got, the more selfish I got & the more afraid I got & the cycle continued.  Thankfully joining the TBI support group I mentioned previously made me realize how I felt, & how that was not how I wanted to be.  I spent more time in prayer, got closer to God & changed my ways.  I also learned to accept & work with my health issues.

Maybe you know someone in a similar position.  Someone operating with a spirit of fear can be incredibly painful to deal with, I know, but before you end the relationship, please consider what I have said.  Talk to the person.  Maybe they will see the problem & make appropriate changes.  If not, they may be too consumed with this spirit of fear.  Pray for them, asking God to free them from this spirit.  Reassure the person you love them & are there for them.  Granted, some people are too comfortable in their dysfunction to want change.  Some folks are also narcissists who refuse to change.  But, the average Christian person who is gripped by fear may respond very well.  Give it a try!  You can help them & also your relationship with that person.

Living With A Spirit Of Fear

2 Timothy 1:7 in the Amplified Bible says, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].”  It can be so hard to remember that God has given us a healthy mind sometimes!  Having lived with many symptoms of C-PTSD for as far back as I can remember then almost all since 2012, there have been more times than not that I have doubted that very Scripture.  Clearly I’m not proud of that but it’s true.  Waking up during panic & anxiety attacks, the way sometimes anxiety runs roughshod over logic & the crippling agoraphobia I lived with for well over 20 years can make that happen.

If you can relate, then you too may be controlled by a spirit of fear as I have been.  There are ways you can identify if this is indeed the problem or not.

Do you have the urge to hide from everyone, even God?  Fear can become a self made prison, creating the urge to avoid everyone.  Most introverts are fine with plenty of alone time but even so, fear can make even the most die hard introvert spend too much time away from other people & become lonely.  It also can make even the most devoted Christian pray less & less.

Is your faith becoming weak?  If so, you may be living with a spirit of fear.  Fear can create a hindrance for believing in what God has to say.  It can make you think irrational thoughts such as all of those promises in the Bible aren’t for you, that God meant them for other people.  It can make you doubt the call on your life to the point of not following through with it.  It also can make you forget what you know the Bible says or what God has spoken to you.

Fear can consume your thoughts.  When fear takes over, all you can think about is the issue that makes you afraid.  You neglect relationships, doing a good job at work, caring for children & pets & more. 

Fear can skew your judgment.  Because fear is so tormenting & miserable, you can become desperate for a way out.  This means you may listen to people you normally wouldn’t listen to for advice. You may consider or actually do things you know you shouldn’t do.

If you can relate to these, then you may be operating under the control of a spirit of fear.  Don’t lose hope though!  You don’t have to live this way any longer!

To start, refocus on God.  Read your Bible more often.  Subscribe to a daily devotional or Bible in a year email.  Listen to Christian music that makes you feel close to God & do it often.  Ask Him for help whenever you feel fear.  And when you don’t, thank Him & ask Him to help you to live with this type of peace more often.

Consider your situation logically.  Ask yourself why this situation makes you so afraid.  Is there a valid reason to feel fear?  Can harm come to you or someone else?  Doing this can help you refocus & accept that there is no real reason to be scared.

Force yourself out of your comfort zone sometimes.  It really will help you to have more self confidence which will in turn reduce the amount of fear you feel.  When my mother died & I learned I was her personal representative, I didn’t think I could do it.  I had no choice though.  I legally couldn’t pawn the duties off on anyone else.  I literally had to force myself to do things that were miles out of my comfort zone.  I did them though.  I tried to reward myself almost every time I did something, too.  It didn’t have to be anything big.  I like driving while listening to good music so I would take a long route home & just enjoy the music.  Sometimes I picked up dinner rather than cook.  Pushing myself out of my comfort zone helped me to gain more & more confidence, & the rewards helped to cement good feelings in my mind.  Try to do the same!  Start small & do bigger, scarier things as you feel able, & don’t forget to reward yourself after for a job well done!

In time, you can stop living with that spirit of fear & start living with the sound mind that God has given you!

Narcissists Think Fear + Obedience = Respect

Recently, God told me something fascinating.  “To narcissists, fear plus obedience equals respect.”  I thought this was fascinating & it made a lot of sense!  Narcissists clearly have no grasp of what true respect really is.  They also have no grasp of how to get respect.  What they do to get their so called respect is nothing like what most people do.

Most people realize you can’t demand someone respect you, you have to earn their respect.  Narcissists don’t think that way.  My mother used to tell me, “I demand respect!”  Didn’t work… I had very little respect for her.

Also, most people don’t try to force someone to do anything.  They go on about their lives not trying to force someone to respect them.  They instead do things that earn people’s respect such as helping the underprivileged or homeless.  Narcissists don’t care about doing good deeds to earn respect.  They believe that they’re entitled to it no matter what.

I also thought at first that this pertained only to overt narcissists.  They have no problem yelling, cursing, demeaning, invalidating, intimidating & using physical force on a victim to get whatever they want.  It can be easy for people to become intimidated by such things & become obedient to the narcissist.

As I thought about this, God said it goes for covert narcissists too.  They may not be so obviously intimidating, but they truly can instill fear in their victims which makes them obedient.  Their weapons are quieter, such as using guilt, shame, acting disappointed & the silent treatment, but they are effective nonetheless.  That also made sense.  A victim may not be afraid of a covert narcissist screaming at them or hitting them, but they do still fear the covert narcissist’s quiet wrath & will do about anything to avoid it.  Fear & obedience.

I also wondered how narcissists know to do what they do.  I mean, they’re not exactly insightful.  Yet somehow they also know what to do to each unique victim to get what they want.  How do they all know that fear & obedience will get them their so called respect?  God answered that question too.  He said the devil tells them things.  Apparently he & his demons basically whisper things to them, & the messages are kind of like a subliminal message.  These messages are spoken quietly & subtly, so narcissists think they are their own ideas.  They’re also simple, along the lines of “If you scream at her, she will do what you want” rather than explaining more complicated details, such as fear & obedience equal respect.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying that narcissists are helpless against the devil’s will.  They aren’t, but they choose not to ignore him.  Repeatedly doing the devil’s work has shut down their natural empathy & their willingness to listen to God.  2 Timothy 2:26 in the English Standard Version, it says, “and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.”  Clearly, people can choose to reject doing the devil’s work.

I’m telling you this in order that you may understand what you’re dealing with regarding narcissists.  You aren’t dealing merely with an obnoxious person when you deal with a narcissist.  You’re dealing with an evil spirit wanting to hurt you.  Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” 

Remember what exactly you are dealing with, Dear Reader.  Learn about spiritual warfare, & most importantly, stay close to your Heavenly Father.  All you have to do is ask Him & He will gladly help you in any situation, including this one.

What Scares Narcissists

Most narcissists, in particular overt narcissists, come across as fearing nothing.  The fact is though that underneath that brazen, rough facade often lies a very scared person.

There are some things that frighten all narcissists to the very core of their being, & this post will share those things.

Being criticized is a big one.  All narcissists work hard to create a false image of a really great person to the world.  If they are criticized, this can damage that image.  The image must be maintained perfectly at all times, & criticism can threaten that image.  While narcissists are often quick to criticize other people, they can’t tolerate it being done to them.

Being treated without respect is another fear of narcissists.  To be respected helps them to maintain that false image they work so hard to present by showing them that they are worthy of respect.  Any sign of disrespect can damage that fragile false image, so they will not tolerate disrespect no matter how slight or unintentional it may be.  My overtly narcissistic mother always told me, “I demand respect.”  I’ve heard others say that their narcissistic parents or spouses said the same thing.  They obviously don’t realize a person can’t truly respect someone simply because they are ordered to respect that person.

Ignoring a narcissist is something they simply cannot tolerate.  Narcissists thrive on attention & the narcissistic supply it provides.  If you adore a narcissist, you’re providing supply.  If you hate a narcissist, you’re also providing supply.  Love & hate are both very strong emotions & take up much of a person’s thoughts.  That is why both emotions are great sources of narcissistic supply.  Ignoring a narcissist shows you feel nothing for that person, which not only fails to provide narcissistic supply, it damages their ego.  Narcissists who are ignored often behave worse than they did when in a relationship with their victim because that victim has ceased to provide their precious narcissistic supply.  This is why so many narcissists resort to vicious smear campaigns, harassment & even stalking if their victim ignores them.  If they can’t make you love them, they will be satisfied to make you hate them.

A huge fear all narcissists have is their abusive behavior being exposed to anyone other than their victim.  Since narcissists want to be well thought of by everyone, being exposed as the abusive monster they are would destroy that.  Rather than run the risk of exposure, they find it much better to keep their victims silent by any & all means necessary.  They isolate them by ruining their relationships with friends & family, they scare victims, use guilt, shame & gaslighting to keep them silent.  They also run damage control by convincing those in their circle that the victim is crazy, irrational, over sensitive or even mentally ill.

Rejection is another huge fear of narcissists.  They take rejection as a personal attack.  While no one likes to be rejected, narcissists take it to a very different level.  Most people examine their behavior & make appropriate changes.  They also hurt, but they also move on.  Narcissists do NOT examine their behavior & move on.  They get angry that anyone would dare end a relationship with them.  Their abusive ways are no reason to end that relationship, after all.  The victim should just take it indefinitely without complaint.   Since that didn’t happen, narcissists get angry & again, may resort to a vicious smear campaign, harassment or even stalking.

Possibly the biggest fear narcissists have is abandonment.  (Ironic, when you consider that by the time they’re elderly, they have chased away most of their friends & family with their awful & abusive behavior.)  Narcissists need narcissistic supply to function like the rest of humanity needs air.  They can’t function without a steady stream of narcissistic supply, so they have a deep fear of abandonment.  To avoid this, they will rage & threaten victims in an attempt to make them stay.  If a victim leaves them, they will promise to change & love bomb as a way to lure their victim back.  If left alone, narcissists will have to face their own company & they don’t like to do that.  No one wants to see the ugliness on the inside of a narcissist, not even the narcissist!

If the narcissist in your life is acting even worse than usual lately, one of these scenarios may be why.  There is nothing you can do to make the situation better, so if at all possible, avoid this person as much as possible.  Also, never forget to practice the Gray Rock method, & provide no narcissistic supply.

Fear Is Not From God

2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (NKJV)

 

As many of you know, I have agoraphobia.  Leaving home, sometimes even to go into my yard, is very difficult or impossible.  Anxiety takes over & logic that nothing is going to go wrong or hurt me goes out the window.  Quite frankly, it sucks.

 

Recently I’ve been wanting to go for a drive.  That’s all- just enjoy a short drive in my awesome car.  However, the agoraphobia left me at home & my car sitting…

 

A few days ago, I opened up my email first thing in the morning.  I get a Scripture delivered daily.  That particular day the Scripture I shared above was in the email.  When I read it, something clicked in my mind.  No, God didn’t give me a spirit of fear.  My agoraphobia is NOT from Him.

 

The agoraphobia started in 1996, just after my paternal grandmom passed away.  My husband told his mother, who didn’t even acknowledge my loss- she changed the subject.  A short time later, this exact same experience happened with his sister.  Somehow, these experiences cemented in my mind that I don’t matter.  I shouldn’t bother anyone with my problems or even my presence, which is a belief that stems from my upbringing with my narcissistic parents.  Their behavior made this belief evolve into feeling like I don’t even have the right to leave home, possibly bothering people in public places.

 

Thinking about this angered me a great deal.  As is common with many adult children of narcissistic parents, I’m suffering because of other people’s cruelty.  This agoraphobia isn’t from God at all, & that Scripture was a reminder of that.

 

2 Timothy 1:7 enabled me not only to go for a ride, but a longer one than I originally wanted to do.  And, I got on smaller interstates too!  (After getting sick in 2015 & being unable to drive for a long time, I lost a lot of confidence in driving.  I’ve avoided bigger roads & interstates since.)

 

I’m not saying I’m cured.  Even thinking of leaving home now makes me tense up.  However, I do know that keeping these things in mind is going to be helpful for me leaving home in the future.

 

I’m sharing this with you today, Dear Reader, because I know so many of you also live with anxiety &/or agoraphobia.  Please consider what I wrote about here.  Know that such awful things are NOT from God.  It helped me to remember that & get mad at those who put the anxiety & agoraphobia on me.  Maybe it can help you as well to think about it.  What is the root of your anxiety?  If you don’t know, then ask God- He will show you.  He showed me why I have agoraphobia.  I never would’ve guessed that on my own!  He can do the same for you.  Once you get to the root of the problem, you can work on healing it properly.

The Fear Of Hurting Other People

Many adult children of narcissistic parents have an issue with being overly concerned with hurting the feelings of other people.  I wonder if it’s because early on, we learned that we were not to make any waves.  Just silently serve our narcissistic mothers when needed, & otherwise we were to blend silently into the background.  Speaking up & hurting someone’s feelings would make us more human & less “tool like”, which would make using us wrong.  And we all know, narcissists can’t be wrong!

As a grown woman, I still have a problem in this area.  I would rather do something I am unwilling to do than say no & potentially hurt someone’s feelings.  I would rather ignore my own hurt at someone’s thoughtlessness & tell them that it’s ok rather than speak up about how wrong what they did is, even knowing that they need to realize their actions were unacceptable.

This sort of behavior is unhealthy.  Keeping things inside rather than speaking up isn’t good for your physical or mental health at all.  High blood pressure, heart disease, kidney disease & diabetes can result as well as depression, anxiety, bitterness & self-destructive behaviors.

I’m not saying you have to spew forth every bad thought that comes to mind or even be harsh with your words.  However, there are times you need to say something, & there is nothing wrong with that.  You need to have a healthy discernment of when to speak up & when to stay quiet, as well as the courage to speak up when necessary & wisdom on what words to use.

I know it sounds difficult (or even impossible), but it can be done.  I’m working on improving in this area myself.

Prayer is of the utmost importance.  Asking God to help you in this area, giving you what you need to accomplish what must be done.  He will do it!  Just follow the promptings He places in your heart.

Also, the more you heal, the more dysfunctional you realize this behavior is, & the more willing you are to change it to get away from the dysfunction.  That willingness helps to give you courage to make the appropriate changes.

Work on your self esteem.  The better you feel about yourself, the more willing you are to make yourself a priority, & to take care of yourself.  You will realize you do have the right to have reasonable boundaries, & if someone hurts you either deliberately or accidentally, it’s perfectly fine to speak up to them about their actions.

You also need to know that there is a difference between hurting & harming.  Hurting someone is temporary.  They’ll get over that pain quickly.  Harming however, the damage goes much deeper. Hurting comes from facing painful truths (such as admitting that something you did hurt someone else).  Even so, it can make a person learn & grow.  Harming, however, causes damage.  So, if you tell someone what they did hurt you or set a boundary, there is nothing harming in either of those things.

Ways To Cope With Agoraphobia

As mentioned in my previous blog post, agoraphobia is a part of anxiety.  It is the fear of public places.  It commonly accompanies PTSD & C-PTSD.

 

And to put it bluntly, it sucks!

 

I have a hard time going out with someone, but alone is an extremely nerve-wracking prospect.  It’s been very challenging trying to come up with ways to cope.  I have found a couple of things that help some, so I thought I would share them with you today in the hopes they help you as well.

 

Valerian root is an herb with anxiety combating properties.  Taking a pill before going out can be quite helpful.  It may not make you super calm, but it does help to take a great deal of the edge off.  If you haven’t tried it before, you’d be best trying it on a day when you don’t have to drive.  Normally one pill won’t make you sleepy, but there is a chance it may.  Not something you want to deal with behind the wheel!  I have found one pill about every 12 hours can help with anxiety, but more than that puts me to sleep unless my anxiety levels are exceptionally bad.  Many people are the same way, so just be forewarned you may be as well.  Valerian root capsules are readily available in some stores that sell vitamins & herbal supplements as well as online.  It’s usually quite inexpensive too.  Also be sure to follow the dosing on the bottle, as manufacturers sometimes make different strengths.  If you’re taking other medicines, it would be a good idea to check with your doctor to make sure it won’t interact with valerian.

 

I also make sure to go out during quieter times.  The middle of the afternoon during a Tuesday is often a time stores are less crowded.  Early Tuesday or Wednesday morning for DMV.  Also, off times also mean less traffic- an added bonus!

 

I like to reward myself with a little something when I’ve had to go out.  A milkshake, a new bottle of nail polish, or something similar can help motivate me to do what needs done.

 
If I’m able, I try to either go out with someone or meet someone.  Even if I go to lunch with someone then do the errands I need to do, it helps because I had some fun.

 

Motivational thoughts can help some too.  Things like,

• The sooner I get this trip done, the sooner I can come home & relax.
• Once this trip is done, I can do something I enjoy- watch that movie I’ve been wanting to see, do a manicure, snuggle the furkids, etc.
• I also try to focus on something positive, like I am grateful I have this wonderful car to drive, & I am able to go out without having to rely on someone to take me out.

 

I hope these tips help you to better manage living with agoraphobia!