You Are Allowed To Speak Up To People Who Hurt You

While forgiveness is one aspect of the Christian faith as well as a person’s emotional well being, it doesn’t mean that we should allow ourselves to be mistreated.  If someone hurts you, it is natural to feel angry, hurt, or upset.  Even so, many people struggle to confront those who hurt them, especially if the person in question can’t handle being told they did something wrong.  Today we’ll discuss why it’s important to speak up when someone hurts you, even if they can’t cope with the situation, & how to do it. 

Many people, especially victims of abuse, struggle with speaking up when someone hurts them.  This is due to a variety of reasons, including fear of retaliation, fear of being invalidated, or fear of being seen as “difficult” or “overreacting.”  However, staying silent leads to bottled-up emotions & resentment, which damages relationships & mental health.  You have every right to express your feelings & set boundaries when someone hurts you!  By doing so, you are taking care of yourself & showing the other person that their actions have consequences.

Speaking up also can help educate the other person on the bad effects of their actions.  Many times, people who hurt others simply aren’t aware of the harm they’ve caused.  By speaking up, you are giving them a chance to learn & grow.

Unfortunately, not everyone reacts reasonably when told they did something wrong.  This is especially true for people who are comfortable with their dysfunction or abusive ways.  When confronted, they try to shut the person down by acting like a victim, becoming angry or enraged, or simply walking away during the conversation.  This makes it so tempting to stop saying anything when the person hurts you.  However, this only enables their bad behavior & makes you bottle up your feelings.  Neither is good!

You need to remember that their sensitivity is their issue, not yours.  You have the right to express your feelings, regardless of how the other person reacts.  It’s not your responsibility to manage their emotions.  By staying calm, respectful, & assertive, you are showing the other person that you are serious about your boundaries & that their behavior is not acceptable.

If the person continues to refuse to take responsibility for their actions, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.  While forgiveness is important, it doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate toxic behavior.  It’s ok & even wise to distance yourself from people who consistently hurt you, no matter who they are.

Following are some tips to help you in situations like this:

1.  Pray

Before confronting the person, pray & reflect on the situation.  Ask God for wisdom on how to approach the conversation, to give you the right words to say & to show you the right timing.  This helps you to handle the situation in the best possible way.

2.  Use “I” Statements

When confronting someone, it’s important to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.  For example, instead of saying, “You hurt me when you did this,” say, “I felt hurt when you did this.”  This puts the focus on your feelings & can help prevent the other person from becoming defensive.

3.  Be Specific

When confronting someone, use examples & be clear about how their actions impacted you.  This helps them understand the gravity of the situation.

4.  Listen to Their Perspective

When confronting someone, listen to their perspective as well.  They may have a different view of the situation or may not realize the harm they caused.  Give them a chance to speak & ask questions to clarify their intentions.

5.  Set Boundaries

If the person excuses their behavior or refuses to take responsibility for their actions, set boundaries.  This may involve limiting contact with the person, or ending the relationship.

Always remember that you have the right to speak up & set boundaries when someone hurts you.  Your well being is worth fighting for.

Thoughts On Confronting Narcissists

When a narcissist has abused you, it is only natural to want to confront this person.  You probably want to tell them what they did was wrong & why it is wrong.  Or maybe you want to tell them that they are a narcissist & show proof of it.  Any normal person would want to do these things, but unfortunately, doing so is a very bad idea.

When confronted, narcissists don’t have “light bulb” moments where they suddenly realize what they have done was wrong, where they realize just how badly they hurt their victim & are upset by it & apologize.  Normal, functional people behave that way & narcissists are far from normal or functional.  They respond in some of the most toxic ways imaginable.

Upon confronting a narcissist, they may deny your accusations completely, or say that you are making up things. 

If you have proof of their awful behavior & denial isn’t an option, chances are very good the narcissist will find a way to blame someone else for their actions, most likely you.  Narcissists love to say, “If you wouldn’t have done that, I wouldn’t have had to do what I did.”

Many times, narcissists also dismiss confrontations.  They do this by claiming that you are too sensitive, overreacting, crazy or other disparaging or even cruel things. 

If the narcissist knows you are discussing their behavior with other people, they will create a smear campaign against you as a way to discredit anything you say about them.  If the narcissist can convince other people that you are the problem in the relationship, no one will believe anything you have to say, in particular about the relationship.

Narcissists universally do their best to convince everyone, including their victims, that the problem isn’t that they are abusive, but instead is the reactions to their abuse. 

This is why confronting narcissists is rarely a good idea.  The best case scenario in confronting a narcissist is that nothing will change, that they won’t acknowledge any wrong doing on their part.  The worst case scenario is that you will end up hurting even more because of their denial, blaming, dismissive-ness or even their smear campaign.

If you are considering confronting the narcissist in your life, please consider these things.  Can you handle such things happening?  Would dealing with them be worth it to get things off your chest to the narcissist?

If you decide that it will be worth it because it will help you somehow, then a confrontation may be a good option for you.  Please keep some things in mind if you choose to do this…

Keep your expectations low, or rather non existent.  Expect nothing good to come from the narcissist.  He or she won’t be happy about your confrontation & most likely will try to hurt you for this somehow. 

Chances are excellent that the narcissist will recruit their flying monkeys to go after you as a way to punish you.  Flying monkeys can be surprisingly hurtful.  If you expect their attacks though, they can hurt much less.  Just remember, true flying monkeys aren’t genuinely fooled by the narcissist & think they are helping.  They are just as cruel & malicious as the original narcissist, if not more so.  Someone who is genuinely fooled will be willing to hear your side of things & not try to force you to do anything like resume a toxic relationship.

Keep in mind the smear campaign is very likely.  If it happens, chances are good you will lose some people you didn’t expect to lose because they will believe the lies.  As painful as that is, let it happen.  Those who truly love you won’t believe lies or help to spread them.  Also remember that defending yourself against it only backfires.  Instead, say nothing.  Live your life as if the smear campaign isn’t happening.  Let your good character shine & prove how wrong the narcissist is.

I wish you the best in your situation, & pray God gives you wisdom!

Narcissists Won’t Hesitate To Attempt To Destroy Anyone Who Tries To Correct Them

I wish I could take credit for this post, but I can’t. It’s from the blog, Biblical Perspectives On Narcissism. I highly recommend following it! It’s very informative & everything is backed up by Scripture.

That being said, please read this post. If you are debating confronting the narcissist in your life, then you especially need to read it!

Narcissist Traits – They Will Trash You If You Reprove Them

When To Speak Up &When Not To Speak Up To Narcissists

A very difficult subject is when should you speak up & when shouldn’t you speak up with a narcissist.

Anyone with any experience with a narcissist knows that most of the time, it’s easiest just to stay quiet.  Speaking up can trigger a narcissistic rage or a victim act (“How can you be so mean to me!?  I was just trying to help!”).  Or, if you’re angry when you confront the narcissist, there is narcissistic supply, because he or she feels powerful because of upsetting you so much.  And, since whatever they did upset you, they know to do it again & again to keep procuring their precious supply.  This kind of nonsense can make anyone want to avoid confronting a narcissist, no matter what they do.

Yet, failing to confront a narcissist indefinitely only makes you miserable while they get away with their outrageous, abusive behavior.  Talk about a no win situation!

The best thing I have learned to know when to confront a narcissist & when not to is by maintaining a close relationship with God.  He enabled me to know when & what to say to my narcissistic parents, & when to say nothing.  Sounds simple, I know, but it’s true.

When I knew I was going to see my parents, or they would call & I’d see their number on the caller ID, I would ask God to give me the words I needed & to help me get through the conversation.  That’s it.  And it worked every time!

There were plenty of times when my parents would say something hurtful & I knew in my heart that this was not the time to speak up.  Knowing that helped me to stay quiet & pretend I didn’t notice the abusive comment.

When I did need to speak up, though, God gave me exactly the right words I needed & the courage to say them.  The last time I spoke to my mother was May 5, 2016, which was also one of the last times I spoke to my father.  As I have mentioned before in this blog, we got into a huge argument that night, first my father & I argued, then my mother & I.  I went into the conversation having a fairly good idea it wasn’t going to be pleasant, but I had no idea I’d end up telling my parents off!  God knew though!  Later when I prayed & apologized to Him for my behavior, He said, “Your parents needed to see that.  They needed to know that their actions could make their normally calm & reasonable daughter would act that way.”

That close relationship with God has been a true lifesaver for me in knowing when to confront, & when not to confront, but, I realize not everyone reading this shares my faith.  For those of you in that position, I recommend learning all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & your narcissist.  If you study this person, I would guarantee you’ll find that he or she only has a few moves in their repertoire.  Most narcissists are that way.  While most narcissists are quite intelligent, they also aren’t overly creative.  They have a few weapons that get them what they want & use them over & over.  Learning what those weapons are will help you a great deal in that you will be prepared for what they most likely will do in most any situation.  It’ll also help you to know whether or not to confront this person & what most likely will happen if you do.  Preparation is a wonderful thing!

I know the tips in this post are pretty simple, but they really can be of a great help.  I wish you the best in your situation!

Thinking Of Confronting Your Narcissistic Parent?

During the course of healing from narcissistic abuse, you may want to confront your narcissistic parent.  You may want to let her have it, to tell her she’s abusive & evil, to tell her although she tried, she didn’t destroy you & many other things.  In your fantasy of doing this, she breaks & apologizes for all of the hurt she has caused you.  She says she wants to change, & to make it up to you for all of the damage she has done.

Unfortunately this is a very unrealistic expectation.

Narcissists don’t admit to any wrong doing on their part.  They often do one of three things- either blame the victim for making them do what they did, say it happened an entirely different way or deny it ever happened in the first place.  As a result, often confronting the narcissist is more damaging to the victim than if they don’t confront.

Confrontation is certainly your choice.  You have every right to call out an abuser on her abusive behavior.  However, you need to have realistic expectations on how the situation may happen for it to be a healthy choice for you.

If you confront your narcissistic parent, will it help you to get it all out to her?  Will it help you to call her out on what she has done even if she denies it or blames you?  If so, then confrontation is a good option for you.

However, if you expect that your narcissistic mother will suddenly have a moment of lucidity, then accept full responsibility for her actions, genuinely repenting of what she has done, you are setting yourself up for serious disappointment.  In fact, that disappointment may be devastating for you.

Probably around 10 years ago, my father went through a phase of complaining even more than usual about his & my mother’s marriage to me.  I hate that!  That is emotional incest & abusive!  I don’t want or need to know about their marriage problems, yet both of my parents have dumped them on me my entire life.  One day when I saw him alone, I finally decided enough was enough.  I was tired of changing the subject to get him to stop complaining.  I had to tell him that he was hurting me, & it needed to stop.  So I did.  I told him those words- “It hurts me when you complain to me about your marriage & about Mom.  Please stop it.  Find someone else to talk to.”  He responded by saying, “Oh ok.. but just this one more thing…” He went on to complain about her for 45 more minutes until he left my home!  (Yes, I timed it!  I was curious how long it’d go on.)  I ended up even more hurt than I was originally, because at this point, he knew he was hurting me yet did what hurt me anyway.

When considering confronting your narcissistic parent, please consider it long & hard.  Pray about it too, & ask God to show you what you should do & if you should confront, how you should do it.  I would hate to see you hurt, Dear Reader, so please do those things before you confront your narcissistic parent!  xoxo

Is Confronting Abusers Biblical?

Many people tell victims of narcissistic abuse things like “You need to be the bigger person & let it go.”  “You just don’t understand- she had a bad childhood!”  “You just need to forgive & forget.”  “The Bible says to honor your parents.  If you call your mother/father out on their behavior, God doesn’t approve of that!”  Such statements are often said for the following reasons…

 

1. The person has come from an abusive past, & refuses to face the pain.  You talking about it reminds that person of his or her pain.  That person wants to shut you down so you stop making that person uncomfortable.
2. The person knows the narcissist, & like all flying monkeys, is protective of that narcissist.  If the narcissist is related to this person, this is a very likely scenario.  Families are extremely protective of narcissists.  You can see a post I wrote on the topic here:  How Families Protect Their Narcissist

 

Whatever the reasons these ludicrous statements are said, they not only hurt, they confuse & frustrate victims.  As if it’s not bad enough we’ve been abused by the narcissist, now other people are being abusive as well by invalidating our pain as well as judging & criticizing us for speaking up to the abuser.

There is a verse in Isaiah that can shut down the argument that a victim shouldn’t speak up:

Isaiah 1:16-17  “Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; Put away the evil of your doings from before My eyes. Cease to do evil, Learn to do good; Seek justice, REBUKE THE OPPRESSOR; Defend the fatherless, Plead for the widow.”  (NKJV) (emphasis added)

Notice the part in all caps.  “Rebuke the oppressor.”  God said that!  I just capitalized it for emphasis.  Pretty cool, huh?  According to God, we are not only allowed to confront someone about abusive behavior- we are supposed to do it.  Do you really think God would’ve included that in the Bible if He didn’t want people to do it?  Also notice- it doesn’t say, “Rebuke the oppressor, unless the oppressor is a parent.”  There are no exceptions in this verse!

Now I realize with narcissists, many times it’s easier to let them do something than confront them.  They love turning things around where the victim is the blame or telling others how mean & unreasonable a victim is for not tolerating their abuse.  It’s frustrating but such behaviors mean that sometimes we shouldn’t confront them.  But, even so, there are times that we know in our hearts we need to speak up to them no matter what they do.  During those times, you can rest assured you are doing the right thing.  It’s even in the Bible, in the book of Isaiah!

If anyone judges or criticizes you for speaking up to the narcissist in your life, although it can be painful, try to ignore it.   If God Himself has said we are to rebuke an oppressor, who is any mere human to tell you it’s the wrong thing to do?  You do what you know that God would have you to do, even if that includes confronting a narcissist, & you do it secure in the knowledge God approves of what you’re doing.

Why Do People Not Want You To Speak Up To Abusive Relatives?

Have you ever noticed that almost no one says you are right to have problems with abusive family members?  That it is OK to defend yourself to them?  Instead, you are encouraged to “just let it go.”  Or, excuses are made like, “Well, she’s getting old now…”  or “You know how he is.”

 

Why do so many people think it is wrong to speak your mind & defend yourself when someone says cruel things to you?

 

I think it is because people do NOT want to leave their comfort zone.  They would prefer you stuff your emotions (because that is oh so healthy..not) than make them uncomfortable by standing up for yourself.

 

Those of us who have been abused have been through more than enough suffering.  It isn’t fair to expect us to go through more just to make someone else comfortable by not upsetting them.

 

When people tell you to “just let it go” or “don’t rock the boat”, ignore them!  If you feel you need to speak up when your parent is cruel to you, then by all means, you have that right!  There is nothing good, loving or honorable in “not rocking the boat.”  People need to be accountable for their actions, like it or not.  They need to know when they have said or done something that is inappropriate.  Whether or not they change their behavior is not your responsibility, but at least by speaking up you have made them aware of the inappropriateness of their actions.

To Confront Or Not To Confront Narcissistic Parents?

I was recently watching a TV show where one of the main characters developed PTSD after being carjacked & tortured.   Someone suggested he visit his attacker in jail & confront him.  He did.  The attacker didn’t even remember who he was at first, then told him he let him live- the victim should be grateful.  He also blamed the victim for scaring him at one point during the attack.  The victim finally left.  He later was talking to his father about it & said nothing changed.  Confronting that man did nothing to help him.

 

I thought about this in the context of those of us with narcissistic parents.  Sometimes people tell adult children of narcissists that we should confront our parents.  It’ll do us good to get it all out.  It doesn’t matter how they respond or if they deny what they did because we know the truth.

 

Sometimes, that isn’t true however.

 

If you’re in the position of considering confronting your narcissistic parent, I strongly urge you to pray & think before doing so.  Think about what you hope to accomplish.  Do you want to just get things out or are you hoping for validation?  If you’re hoping for your parent to validate your pain & admit to the things they’ve done, then you may be in for a very rude awakening.  Narcissists seldom admit to making mistakes, & when they do, often it is turned around so the victim is to blame.  “If you wouldn’t have done that, I wouldn’t have said that.”

 

Do you think confronting them will change their behavior?  Again, you may be in for a rude awakening.  Narcissists rarely change their behavior, & when they do, it’s usually for the worse.  If a narcissist knows that something they do hurts you, they will do it again & again & again.  Hurting you makes them feel powerful, so yes, they will continue to do it repeatedly to get that “high.”

 

However, if you want to confront your narcissistic parent to clear your mind or get things off your chest, & you genuinely don’t care about what they say or do, then you are in a position where confronting your parent may benefit you.  It may help you to feel some peace or feel lighter by getting things out of you.  Even so, before you do, pray.. ask God to strengthen you against whatever nastiness they sling your way so you won’t be hurt when they deny their actions or act bored when you begin to cry.  Narcissists are excessively cruel when confronted, & even the strongest people need extra strength to deal with them.

 

If you are wondering, I’ve decided not to confront my narcissistic parents.  At the time of writing this, it’s been almost 1 year since my mother & I have spoken, over a month for my father & I (very rare for him- he used to call constantly.  He must be very mad at me).  I thought about it recently.. I wonder if either of them will want to talk things out.  If they do, I won’t go along with it.  I have nothing to say & don’t want to hear anything they have to say.  I’m at peace with that decision.  I know nothing I can say will change their behavior or make them see the errors of their ways.  I also don’t need to get things off my chest to them.  Doing so would only hurt me more when they ignore me.  I’ll pray or write in my journal instead.

Before You Confront A Narcissist

I believe picking your battles with a narcissist is among the most challenging thing a person can do when in a relationship with a narcissist.  They need to know their behavior is unacceptable, yet when confronted, the person doing the confronting often ends up frustrated & even more hurt than they were after the original event that made them think they should confront the narcissist.

 

Second only to deciding when to confront a narcissist is how to confront them once you decided to do it.  Narcissists love to play the victim & also to twist a situation around so you’re the bad guy.  It can feel impossible to know the best way to go about this incredibly difficult situation.

 

I firmly believe in staying calm & sticking to the facts.  Force the conversation to stay on topic, otherwise the narcissist will steer you completely off topic, & most likely onto what they think is wrong with you.  They may provoke you into getting so caught up in defending yourself, you forget what the original topic of the conversation was supposed to be.

 

There is one thing that I have found to be even more important though, & that is prayer.  Before talking to a narcissist, pray.  If they are calling, quickly ask God should you take the call or let it ring.  If you feel you should take the call, ask Him to help you through the conversation.  He truly will not let you down!!  And, it may be in a different way than you expect, but it will be the best way possible.

 

Last May just after my mother in-law died, I didn’t tell my parents.  I realized they’d see her obituary in the local newspaper.  I expected them to call me, & say how sad it was, she was a great woman, blah blah… things I did NOT want to hear about the woman who hated me & treated me like dirt for the first 8 years of my husband’s & my relationship.  When my parents called a few days after she died, I knew the call wasn’t going to be pleasant.  I  also knew I might as well take the call because if I didn’t, they’d call back constantly until I answered since that’s what they do & they’d think this was an important topic.  I also asked God to help me have the right words to say.  My parents shocked me by saying they wanted to attend the funeral, & were upset they didn’t even know she passed until they saw her obituary.  Wasn’t expecting that!  It immediately angered me, especially when my parents acted like something was wrong with me for being angry.  I ended up yelling at both of my parents, even using some bad language which are all not my normal behaviors with them.

 

Once I hung up the phone, I told God how sorry I was- I don’t even know what happened to me, why I reacted that way.  It’s not like this was the first time my folks cared more about someone who has hurt me than me.  God spoke to my heart & said this is exactly what they needed.  They needed to know that they hurt me so badly, that I would act that way, so out of character.   He answered my prayer- He gave me the right words for the situation at hand- just not in the way I expected.

 

In the months that have passed, I realized God wanted my parents out of my life, & this was a way to do it.  They have cut ties with me, so I can’t be accused of going no contact with them.  Anyone who hears about this situation has to see the ridiculousness of it.  My parents cared more about someone they saw twice in the 22 years my husband & I have been together, than me, their own daughter.  It’s only logical I’d have been upset by that.  Not even the most devoted flying monkeys can justify their incredibly hurtful behavior, which is probably why I haven’t heard from any of them.

 

My point (finally) is that praying before confronting a narcissist is absolutely vital to dealing with them.  If I wouldn’t have prayed before talking to my parents last May, I have no doubt our relationship would be as it always was.  Extremely painful for me.  As it is though, I’m much happier than I’ve been in a long time, in spite of grieving the loss (dysfunctional or not, losing your parents is still a loss that needs to be grieved).  It’s amazing the power of prayer.  James 5:16 states in the last half of the verse, “The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with. ” (MSG)  That is so true!  Utilize that power & God will help you in ways you never imagined, even when it comes to something so complicated as dealing with a narcissistic parent!

To Confront Or Not To Confront?

I had yet another nightmare about my mother last night.  I told my husband about it this morning, & the topic of the nightmare was similar to something she used to do repeatedly when I was a child.  He asked if I ever confronted her on it, & I said of course I did when it was happening.  He suggested I confront her now, as an adult, & I said absolutely not.  She’s still the same person she was back then, so I’d end up frustrated or hurt again.  His perspective was at least I’d get the anger out of me.

I later got to thinking… this happens a lot.  I’ve noticed many people think confrontation is always the way to go when someone has hurt or abused you.  And, many times it is the right thing to do.  Normal people don’t want to hurt others, so when you confront them, they will apologize & try to make it up to you.

There are times though, when confrontation isn’t right for various reasons.  When someone is a narcissist for example, confronting them most likely will lead to them making you out to be the bad guy, them the victim.  Plus, now they know that action hurts you, so they will do it over & over specifically to hurt you.

Rather than just blindly confront your abuser, I strongly suggest thinking about it first.  How does this person respond to confrontation?  Is she/he open to making changes?  Does the person care about hurting others?  If the person is a narcissist, & you know they will turn this scenario around, will it still help you to speak up?  Answer these & any other questions honestly, then you can choose whether or not confrontation is the right thing for you to do in this situation.

I opted not to confront my mother, by the way.  This  is usually how I handle things with her.  I don’t like it, because I believe people need to know when they do bad things.  However, she also likes to use things that hurt me repeatedly.  If I can conceal my pain, I have a better chance she won’t use that tactic repeatedly.  I’ve learned with her, it’s best to show zero emotion when she hurts me & I’m in her presence.  Once I leave, I cry or vent, often writing in my journal & praying.  Getting my feelings out to her would only result in being completely invalidated & honestly, I can’t handle that anymore from her- she has done it too much in my life.  It isn’t a perfect solution, & it probably won’t work for everyone, but it works for me.

Learning about setting & enforcing healthy boundaries also will help to eliminate the need for many confrontations.  Knowing what you will & won’t tolerate, & making that known, eliminates disagreements & problems before they start.

Limiting contact with the person will help you as well simply due to the fact you spend less time with her.

As I found what works for me, you need to find what works for you.  I pray God will guide you in the right direction for you when the time comes.