Having A Balanced Relationship With Technology

We live in an age where technology rules so much of our lives – where we’re almost never without a phone in our hands or away from some type of screen.  In many ways, technology makes our lives easier.  It enables us to communicate, learn, find entertainment, shop, & so much more.  However, if we’re not careful, technology can take over our lives & dominate our free time.

It can be hard to put down electronics, especially when they can provide us with an escape from the real world.  But, there is a lot of value in spending less time online.

When people spend too much time on their phones & computers, it can lead to a feeling of being disconnected from the real world.  We can become so focused on what we are seeing online that what’s happening around us in the real world doesn’t seem to have as much importance.  This can end up having a negative effect on our mental health, even making us more susceptible to anxiety & depression.

Spending less time on the internet also can help to improve your relationships.  If you spend all of your free time chatting over the internet, you’ll miss out on the real world conversations that are part of our closest relationships.  When you spend time with your loved ones without the distraction of your phone, you will nurture those important relationships. 

The physical health benefits of decreased internet use are also something to consider.  Too much time sitting in front of a screen can lead to neck & back pain, headaches, & more.  Taking a step away from the computer & reading a book, or doing a different activity can be just as fun, if not more fun, than spending time online.

Spending less time online can help us to appreciate the present moment more.  We can get so consumed with what’s going on with our notifications & posts that we forget to appreciate the beauty & joy right in front of us.  Instead of being caught up in what’s happening on the internet, we should be mindful of the little, ordinary moments like enjoying a nice cup of tea, taking in the beauty of a garden or getting in extra playtime with our pets.

Finally, when you forgo spending time on the internet, you can open yourself up to discovering new skills & hobbies as well as exploring new & different experiences.  Or, you can revisit things you once enjoyed doing yet gave up. 

There are some easy things you can do to break the habit of spending so much time online.  Stop reaching for your phone the moment you have any free time.  Instead, pray, pick up a book, reach for a craft project, write in your journal or call a friend.  Also delete those apps you no longer use or are big time wasters. There is nothing wrong with playing a game on your phone, but if that game takes up a lot of your time, it needs to go.  Remember, electronics should serve us, not monopolize all of our free time.

In many ways, technology makes our lives easier. We just need to remember to be careful & not let it take over our free time or even our lives.

Beware Of A Narcissist’s Scouts

According to thesaurus.com, some synonyms for the word scout are “detective,” “lookout,” & “sleuth.”    Such descriptions fit in perfectly to describe the type of person I want to discuss today.

A narcissist’s scout is nothing but a flying monkey.  They most likely aren’t obvious like most flying monkeys.  In fact, they often fade quietly into the background.  They also are probably someone you barely know, but is close to the narcissist.  Then suddenly, out of nowhere, they call, send a text message or email, or maybe a friend’s request on social media.  This sort of thing often happens around holidays, birthdays or some other special day.

When you barely know the person, responding to them can seem innocent enough.  Sure, they know the narcissist, but they seemed ok.  What could be the harm in getting to know them?  PLENTY!!

Scouts rely on their ability to seem innocent & harmless to do their mission, & that mission is not becoming your friend.  That mission is getting information about you to share with their narcissist.  You may think that isn’t a big deal, but I promise you it is! 

When someone is as toxic as a narcissist, any information they have about you can be twisted around to make you look bad & benefit them somehow.  They can use the information to smear your good name which potentially could cause all kinds of problems.  Or, at the very least, it makes them feel smug because they know something about you that you don’t want them to know, & this provides narcissistic supply.  Better they know nothing!

Besides providing the narcissist with information about you, scouts also may try to force you to resume the relationship with the narcissist.  As I have said many times, I believe flying monkeys to be narcissists, & this behavior is proof of that.  They try to force the relationship to resume by using bullying tactics if they are overt narcissists, or, if they are covert, they will use guilt, shame & any underhanded manipulative tactics they can think of.  Either way, these people benefit from behaving this way.  They get the thrill of abusing someone & recognition from the narcissist for “trying to help” them out. 

Probably, the scout’s motivation for reaching out to you is to try to convince you to resume the toxic relationship while they gather information about you to provide the narcissist.  They get a lot of narcissistic supply from this.

If you go no contact with the narcissist in your life, chances are excellent this is going to happen to you at some point.  If the narcissist isn’t able to contact you, they will send a scout out.  It may even be years after the last time you spoke with them.  My longest time after last contact with a narcissist before the scout was sent out was 19 years.  One of my husband’s relatives sent me a friend’s request on Facebook, then followed me, while ignoring his friend’s request.

When this happens to you, the best advice I can give is not to respond to any contact from a scout, no matter how innocent it seems.  Chances are you will be opening a door that won’t lead to anything good.  Leave the door closed, & ask God to show you the best way to handle the situation.

Blocking any & all access this person has to you is a wise move as well.  They don’t need to know anything about you.  Even if this person hasn’t proven himself or herself toxic, remember that they also haven’t proven themselves safe, & only known safe people should have access to your life in any capacity.

There is one other option for something you can do.  Share information only for them.  I don’t mean to be vengeful.  I’m also not encouraging lying.  What I mean is do what I do.  I do this with my last scout.  I deleted her friend’s request immediately.  I noticed she follows me, & I almost blocked her but had another idea… I let her follow me.  I share very little on Facebook anyway, & am very careful about what I share publicly.  Right after I realized this scout follows me, I shared some funny memes about people who aren’t friends but follow people on social media.  The only other public things I share are my blog posts, memes & articles about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  This was my way of telling her, “I know you’re just here to spy on me.  Here’s some information you can take back to the original narcissists.  I hope y’all read it & learn something about yourselves!”  And truly, I DO hope they learn something.  It’s unlikely of course, but maybe if I plant enough seeds, something will grow. 

By doing this, they have gotten quite a surprise I’m sure.  They were certain they were being smart, & I stupidly would befriend their scout.  They couldn’t have been more wrong.  Instead, the only things they will get from me is truth.  It’s a good tactic.. you can’t go wrong sharing the truth, & quite honestly, it feels good because by doing this, I’m showing them they aren’t going to outsmart me with their pathetic games. 

Whatever you opt to do with your scout, I truly wish you the best!

A Commonly Ignored Narcissistic Behavior

The Bible has plenty to say about minding your own business & gossiping.  In the Amplified Bible, 1 Peter 4:15 says, “Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or a thief, or any sort of criminal [in response to persecution], or as a troublesome meddler interfering in the affairs of others;” 1 Thessalonians 4:11 says, “and to make it your ambition to live quietly and peacefully, and to mind your own affairs and work with your hands, just as we directed you.”  Leviticus 19:16 says, “You shall not go around as a gossip among your people, and you are not to act against the life of your neighbor [with slander or false testimony]; I am the Lord.” Proverbs 20:19 says, “He who goes about as a gossip reveals secrets; Therefore do not associate with a gossip [who talks freely or flatters].”

Yet in spite of these Scriptures being very clear, many people have no problem keeping track of others, & talking badly about what they learn while snooping into other’s business.  In fact, some even act like anyone who is bothered if someone does this to them is the one that has a problem, not the other person.

Some time back, I decided to separate myself from every single abusive, awful person in my life & those who associate with them.  I blocked all means of access such as phone numbers, emails & social media.  I made one mistake.  I forgot to block the husband of one of these people.  As a result, I learned that his social media profile has been used to snoop on mine.  I doubt he would do this, so it’s a safe assumption his wife does the snooping using his profile. 

This may not sound like a big deal to most people, but to me, it is.  This person lost all rights to any access whatsoever to my life by how she has chosen to treat me.  Plus, I have no doubt she discusses her findings with someone close to her who is just as hateful as she is.  I feel very angry & violated!

This type of behavior is so common & is rarely thought of badly.  It seems to be socially acceptable to keep tabs on people on social media in particular.  And honestly, who hasn’t looked up someone, maybe an ex boyfriend or girlfriend that you’ve thought about frequently since you broke up five years ago, then told your best friend what you found out?  I think that is pretty normal & that isn’t what I’m referring to.  I’m referring to those people who routinely check out someone’s social media or if they see them at the local grocery store, follow them around & then tell other people what they learned.  That is the behavior I’m addressing & find so disturbing. 

This sort of behavior says someone is very envious.  They see someone as better than them somehow.  Maybe they think this person is more attractive, talented or successful than they are.  Rather than act like a mature adult & focus on improving themselves, instead they look for reasons to be angry with that other person & to make other people think badly of them. 

Acting this way isn’t simply unbecoming & ungodly behavior.  It is very typical behavior of narcissists!  One of the most common tactics of narcissists, whether the narcissist is overt or covert, is to tear other people down in order to make themselves look & feel better.  It can be devastating to the victim of this abusive behavior, which no doubt is why God is so clearly against it as to include Scriptures on the topic in the Bible.  Even if it is done by someone not particularly close to you, while it may not be as devastating as it is when it’s done by someone close, it really can be very hurtful & is just wrong!

My hope is that those of you who are reading this today don’t engage in this behavior, but if you do, please consider what I have said & make changes.  Whether you mean to cause harm or not, chances are, you are causing someone harm & for no valid reason.

About Those Who Write About Narcissism

I never, ever want to come across as someone who trashes other authors, especially those who write about the same topics I do.  I realize we all have our different views even on the same topic, & honestly, I think that’s pretty cool!  Different people can have different ideas & views, so I think it’s great when a person finds an author they can relate to, even if it’s not me.  The most important thing is that people find the help they need.

That being said..

Recently I was scrolling Facebook & saw a meme from one blogger with whom I’ve had issues.  We were friends on Facebook several years ago, & followed each other’s blogs.  A couple of months into our new friendship, I began to see some signs of narcissism.  I hoped I was just being paranoid, but I kept looking for whatever the truth was.  Then one day, her mask came off.  She disagreed with something I said in a blog post & proceeded to tell me how wrong I was.  Some of my regular readers disagreed with her & told her that.  She then blocked & unfriended me.  Mind you, I wasn’t even online at the time & didn’t know this was happening until hours later.. yet, she still was mad at & blamed me.

This, Dear Readers, is why I try to remind you fairly often not to blindly follow or believe in anyone, not even me.  Not that I don’t appreciate having fans.  I really do appreciate every single one of you.  The truth is though that we all are imperfect.  We may share something we honestly think is true only to find out later it isn’t.  Or, we may share some advice that helped us but it may not help you simply because of the differences in our personalities.

Plus, there are some who write about narcissism that are narcissists.  I admit, I haven’t seen that often, but I have seen it, such as in the story I told earlier.  Narcissists are attracted to helping professions such as police, teachers, pastors, therapists & more.  It makes sense they would want to write to reach others & manipulate them that way.  There’s also the admiration factor.  If someone has been helped by something you wrote, that person is going to admire you.  That is a nice ego boost to anyone, but it’s huge narcissistic supply to a narcissist.

If you start to follow someone on social media or a blog who writes about narcissism, there are some red flags to narcissism to look for.

How does the person interact with his or her readers?  The blogger I mentioned?  Her followers had almost a cult/cult leader relationship with her.  Regulars never disagreed with her.  If a new follower dared to disagree, the regular followers got angry with the one who disagreed.  She would diffuse the situation eventually, but came across smug when she did, saying things like that person just doesn’t know any better because they haven’t been through what she (the blogger) has.  The person who disagreed would disappear quickly.

Another red flag is does the person constantly brag, even in a subtle way.  The blogger I mentioned did that constantly.  She mentioned on a regular basis how many people looked to her for advice, including mental health professionals (she wasn’t one, just FYI).

An attitude of superiority with readers is not good either.  Granted, most of us who have been writing about NPD have been doing so for a long time & know a lot.  That being said though, we don’t know everything, & if we’re smart, we’re well aware of that!  Also, watch how this person answers questions.  A narcissist will act like the question is stupid, or she is too good to have time to respond to such a question, whereas the average person won’t act that way.

This blogger also only shared memes that she made of things she has said or articles she has written.  That was a big red flag, because I’ve never seen that with any other blogger or author.  Most want to help people, & will share helpful memes & articles often, no matter who has written them.

Unfortunately, it’s impossible to avoid narcissists entirely.  At least you can be aware of the subtle signs of narcissism people exhibit online so you know who you need to avoid.

Spotting Narcissists Online

A while back, someone who followed my blog disagreed with one of my posts.  She stated why she did, & although I respected her opinion, I saw she took some things I said wrong.  I explained what I wrote, & left my computer for the evening.  The next day, I saw several of my readers understood what I was saying & defended me, including one who got into a rather heated disagreement with the original commenter.  The original commenter stopped following my blog & unfriended me on facebook.  She obviously held me responsible for what other people said that she didn’t like.

A few years before, a similar incident on facebook cost me a 20+ year friendship, so obviously this wasn’t the first time I’ve seen this type of ridiculous, immature behavior.  I’m sure it won’t be the last either.

I realized out of that situation with my blog that this person was a narcissist.  While she shared a great deal of insight in her own blog & facebook, sometimes there were very subtle hints of narcissism.  I thought I was reading too much into it, but as time went on, I saw more & more hints.  For example, when she shared her opinions, she stated them as fact & seemed to have no tolerance for anyone who disagreed with her.  Those people were wrong, period.  She also brags openly about any accomplishments, such as many shares of a blog post or mental health professional agreeing with something she’s said.

Most people don’t jump to ridiculous conclusions.  They don’t read into what you said- they trust that what you said is what you mean, while narcissists find a way to take everything personally.  The long friendship of mine that ended?  We shared a mutual friend, & he told this friend he “read into” what we said on facebook & knew from that how badly we thought of him.  (FYI- mostly what she & I talked about at that time was knitting.  I’m not sure how that meant we hated him.)

Most people also realize that you are going to have different opinions than them sometimes, & are OK with it.  They won’t think “if you aren’t for me, you’re against me”, but instead accept the fact that no two people agree on absolutely everything.  In fact, if they did, it would be very abnormal!  Narcissists however believe you have to share their thoughts, feelings, opinions, likes, dislikes, etc. or else you’re wrong.

Narcissists online also share only about themselves- what they think, what they’re doing, what is happening in their lives & probably plenty of pictures of themselves.  They almost never ask others how they are doing or what is happening in their lives.

They state their opinions as written in stone fact rather than simply their opinion, & won’t listen to the opinions of others or criticize them.  They also demand that you agree with them, because, after all, if you’re not for them, you’re against them!  (at least in their mind)

Spotting narcissists online can be trickier than spotting one in person, but remembering these tips can help you.