Supporting Someone Who Has Lost An Abusive Parent

Losing a parent is a truly unique & painful experience, in particular when that parent is abusive.  My husband & I lost all four of our parents in a short time – one parent a year from 2016 to 2019.  It was a very painful & confusing time for us both. 

I realized at that time, people have no real idea on how to help those whose abusive parent has died.  Thank God, I have some wonderful people who are very close to me that did know, but they were in the minority.  It seemed to me that the majority of people assumed because I was no contact at the time my parents passed away, that their deaths didn’t affect me in the slightest.  They couldn’t have been more wrong!  And sadly, I didn’t know what I needed at the time, let alone how to express those needs.  Today I want to express some common needs so that anyone who reads this can share this with their loved ones to get the help they need.  Clearly grief doesn’t have a “one size fits all” solution, but I am sharing some basic needs that I believe should be able to help most people.

To support someone who has lost an abusive parent, let that person know you are in this for the long haul.  Grief is a very messy journey full of ups & downs, lots of tears, anger & even joy.  To someone who hasn’t seen their loved one experience such emotions, it can be pretty intimidating, but if you can get past that & let your loved one know you are going to be there for them no matter what, that person is going to treasure you.

Don’t judge.  When my father died, I barely shed a tear.  When my mother died almost exactly 18 months later, I was utterly devastated.  There was also a painful feeling of relief that the abuse was finally over when they died.  When each of my parents died, I did NOT need judgment about my feelings.  I needed love, support & comforting words letting me know that my feelings were valid, even though they were vastly different with each parent.  Thank God, I have all of that in my wonderful best friend.  Everyone needs someone like this to help them survive losing their abusive parent.

Don’t try to rush grief.  Grief is unpredictable & has no time table.  Rather than trying to rush someone through their grief, encourage them to take their time & mourn however they need to.  Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to mourn, & this is so true.  While sometimes a distraction from their loss might be helpful, crying & getting their feelings out is even more helpful.

If you don’t know what to say, admit it.  Sometimes in these situations, the most helpful thing a person can hear is “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here to help if I can.”  Honesty like that goes a very long way.  And, it is so much better than saying something that while well meaning, comes across hurtful.

Check in often.  Some people tend to withdraw when going through trials.  I’m one of those people.  But, that doesn’t mean people like me don’t want to know other people care!  A quick text to say, “How are you today?” or “Thinking of you” can mean the world to someone who is grieving.  Extroverted people need these check ins so they know others care for them, too, & it may open the door for them to talk things over with you, which could help them tremendously.

Encourage them to do whatever they like that helps to process their loss.  Sometimes this may be getting angry about the terrible things their parent did to them.  Other times it may be as lovely as planting a garden in their parent’s honor.  Let your loved one do what they want to without fear of you judging or criticizing them.

Let them know it’s ok to talk negatively about their abusive parent even though he or she has died.  There is some unwritten rule out there that people aren’t supposed to speak badly of the dead.  As if dying negates all bad things they’ve done & rockets them into sainthood.  For children of abusive parents, this can be painful because they know their parent was no saint.  They have the emotional & sometimes physical scars to prove it.  If your loved one says something derogatory about their parent, let them know it’s ok to say these things.  The truth doesn’t change just because someone has died.  And, also let them know it’s perfectly OK to discuss whatever good things they want to about their abusive parents, too.  Chances are there was something good about them, & it’s good to discuss those along with the bad things.

Offer to pray for & with your loved one.  Sometimes the most comforting thing a person can do in your most painful times is pray for you.  Ask God to carrying your loved one & strengthen them during this extremely painful time along with anything else you can think of this person needs.

Treating someone in these ways definitely can help them get through the intensely painful process of losing an abusive parent while strengthening your relationship at the same time.

Good Can Happen After The Death Of A Narcissistic Parent

April 19, 2019 was a strange night for me.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was the night the police came to my home to tell me that not only had my mother passed away, but being her only child, dealing with the situation was my responsibility.  As soon as they told me she was gone, I immediately knew that my life as I knew it was over.  At that moment, it felt incredibly daunting & terrible, but as time passed, I realized it wasn’t a bad thing. 

I want to share some my story for those of you who are in the position of having recently lost a narcissistic parent or are losing a dying narcissistic parent.

In the time since my mother died, I have run through the entire gamut of emotions.  Her death made me angry, sad, hurt, happy, relieved, guilty & more.  I also had to deal with things far out of my comfort zone, such as making her burial arrangements, dealing with a huge error the cemetery made when burying my father 18 months prior, & dealing with my mother’s estate.  My parents had told me that not only would I never get any inheritance, but they had chosen a neighbor to be the personal representative of their estate.  You can imagine my surprise finding out those were all lies.

Anyway, there was good that came from all of this, & that is the point of this post. 

Without my parents, so much healing has happened!  The crippling agoraphobia I lived with since 1996 has all but vanished.  I still get anxious in stores sometimes & try to avoid crowded times, but compared to what it once was, this is fantastic! I can go out alone now!

My self esteem has improved greatly too.  I can’t say 100% healthy but I can say a lot closer to that than it once was.  As a result, I am setting healthier boundaries now & have even less tolerance of abusive behavior.

There is also a sense of freedom I have never felt in my life.  For the first time, I know I can leave home & not run the risk of running into my parents around town.  I know when my phone rings, it won’t be either of them dumping all of their complaints about their marriage on me with no respect to how uncomfortable & painful that was for me. 

Best of all, yet also the most mysterious of all, is how the level of shame I once felt has decreased drastically.  I truly don’t understand the connection but when my mother died, it was as if the toxic shame I once felt vanished.  Naturally I’m still not proud of things I have done in my life, but I no longer feel intense shame about them or the person I am.  It’s wonderful!

I am telling you this to encourage you.  If your narcissistic parent is dying or has died, it is going to be a very hard time for you.  You may feel relieved they are gone & then guilt for feeling that relief.  You may grieve the parent you never had.  You may feel all the years of anger rear their ugly head at once.  You may feel numb.  You may feel something entirely different.  It’s impossible to say what you will feel.  There seems to be no way to predict what you will feel other than guilty since that seems to be a constant among others who have lost a narcissistic parent.  If you are losing your second narcissistic parent, it may be entirely different for you than when your first one passed. When my father died, I was shocked I felt so numb. I barely shed any tears after his death, probably because I had grieved him so long while he was alive.  When my mother died almost exactly 18 months later, I felt devastated.  Losing a narcissistic parent is a strange thing to put it mildly.  That being said though, it also can open doors to some very good things.  When you feel able, look for the good.  The good things really can carry you through all of the bad.  You will be shocked at just how much good came from it! 

Also, I’m not saying only look at the good & ignore the bad.  That is unhealthy.  Feel the bad feelings.  Sit with them.  Acknowledge them.  Accept that they are there & do so without judgment.  Pray about them.  Write about them in your journal.  Talk about them with a safe friend, therapist or pastor.  Have balance & be gentle with yourself during this very trying time.

Experiencing Grief After Narcissistic Abuse

A common feeling many people experience after narcissistic abuse is grief.  It makes sense since there is a great deal to grieve!  If the narcissist in question was a parent, you grieve the loss of your childhood, the pain of having a parent who didn’t treat you right or love you, the years wasted trying to please your impossible to please parent, the parent you wish you had & more.  If the narcissist was a spouse, there is grief too, because that person married you not out of love, but out of wanting to use & abuse you.  There is also time wasted with this person that could have been spent in much better ways.  You also may grieve the loss of the person you thought the narcissist was at first.   If you passed up a good person to marry the narcissist, there is regret & grief over losing that good person.  If you had children together, no doubt there is also a great deal of guilt over giving your children this terrible person as a parent. 

Whatever your situation, if you’re grieving after escaping narcissistic abuse, please know you are normal!  It’s awful to experience but it’s also very normal.  Grief isn’t only something to be experienced after someone dies.  It comes after all kinds of losses.

You need to experience & process your grief after narcissistic abuse just as you would after losing someone you love.  It is healing to cry & be angry about the unfairness of it all.  Ignoring it, pretending it isn’t happening or even shaming yourself as if something is wrong with you for feeling this way isn’t healthy at all!

Rather than do those unhealthy things, why not try accepting your feelings without judgment?  They’re not abnormal, they’re not wrong & you aren’t crazy for feeling the way you do.  Stop criticizing them.  Accept them for what they are- your feelings that are completely valid.

As you accept them, sit with them for a while.  Cry or yell if you need to.  I know this can be difficult for those of us shamed for having feelings by our narcissistic parent, so if those are too much, then try writing things out.  If you don’t have a journal, it may be an excellent time to start one.  If you want to be certain no one ever reads it, there are online journals that are private & password protected.  I use Penzu’s free version, but there are plenty of others as well if it doesn’t meet your needs.

I’ve also found writing letters to the narcissist very helpful.  I wrote out everything I thought & felt about what they did, not censoring myself.  The especially important part of this is I never sent the letters.  I wrote them to purge myself of the awful things I felt because of the actions of a narcissist, not to tell the narcissist how they made me feel or to try to make them see the errors of their ways.  Doing such things is a complete waste of time & energy with a narcissist.  In fact, if you do them, chances are you’ll only feel worse after instead of better because the narcissist will try to convince you that you’re oversensitive, overreacting or even crazy.  Instead, I’ve found ripping the letters up & throwing them away or burning them to be very helpful.

If you have a safe friend, relative or even counselor, talking about your grief or praying with them can be very helpful as well. 

You also need to be aware that grief doesn’t have time limits.  You can’t expect to get over the trauma in a set time.  In fact, a part of you most likely always will grieve to some degree, just like when someone you love dies.  It does get easier in time though.  You also learn to rebuild yourself & adapt to your new life without suffering narcissistic abuse. Whatever you choose to do to cope isn’t important.  What matters is that you deal with your grief & accept it as a natural part of the healing process.

Unconventional Grief After Narcissistic Abuse

Emotions After The Death Of A Narcissistic Parent

When a narcissistic parent dies, many who write about this topic assume all victims have the same experience when their narcissistic parent dies.  This is incredibly WRONG!

Many who lose a narcissistic parent are relieved that their parent is gone.  They are finally free from the abuse, & the joy over that overrides any other emotion.

Others who lose a narcissistic parent are devastated.  Their parent’s death symbolizes the loss of all hope for things to be better.  Even if they accepted there was no hope for the relationship, death finalizes that.  It squashes any potential, no matter how small, for things to be better.  That can be devastating.

Still others experience numbness when their narcissistic parent dies.  They have grieved for their parent so much while he or she was alive that when that parent dies, they have nothing left to give emotionally. 

Having lost both of my narcissistic parents as well as spoken to many others who lost theirs, I have learned something valuable that I believe can help anyone in this position.

Anything is normal after a narcissistic parent dies. 

Whether you miss your parent or not.  Whether you are overwhelmed or not.  Even if you go totally numb to the loss.  It’s all normal!  There’s no one size fits all way for people to grieve such a death.  Everyone processes this situation differently.  In fact, even if you have two narcissistic parents, you may grieve them both differently.  I did.  When my father died in October, 2017, I barely shed a tear for him even to this day.  I had grieved a lot for him while he was still alive, so I really had very little left to feel when he died. 

Almost exactly eighteen months later in April, 2019, my mother died.  Her death devastated me.  It truly shook me to my core.  I was in shock for quite some time after her passing.  When the shock began to wear off, I experienced the gamut of emotions.  There was a lot of anger, sadness, confusion & relief. 

And you know something?  Even though I experienced vastly different emotions after each parent died, what I experienced was normal!

The relationship a person has with each of their parents is unique.  Even if both parents are narcissists, they are still unique individuals which means the relationship with each parent is also unique.

Not to mention, in most cases when two narcissists marry, one is an overt narcissist while the other is covert.  That simple fact alone changes the dynamic of any relationship due to how each type of narcissist treats their victim.

If you have lost a narcissistic parent or even two narcissistic parents, chances are you will feel like you’re going crazy.  You aren’t!  Whatever you feel is normal.  Yes, it feels otherwise but the situation is abnormal.  You can’t expect to feel normal in an abnormal situation.  Accept your feelings without judgment, & process them however works best for you.  Journal, cry, write angry letters, talk to a non-judgmental friend or therapist. 

If someone you know has lost a narcissistic parent or two, don’t make any assumptions.  Even if you have been in a similar situation, your friend may not feel as you do. 

Also, don’t assume someone misses their parents or hates their parent.  Remember, everyone is different.  Make no assumptions.  Just listen to your friend without judgment & with an open mind.  Make sure this person knows you are there, you love them, you won’t criticize whatever they are feeling & you are willing to help them if at all possible.

Whether you are in the position of having lost a narcissistic parent or are supporting someone who has, the best thing you can do is to pray.  Let God guide you in how to cope or how to help.  You need this from Him & He will be glad to help!

When Someone You Know Is Suffering

 

When A Pet Dies

Since so many of you who follow my work are also animal lovers, I thought I would take one of my periodic rides off the topic of narcissism to talk about animals.

On this day in 2007, my first cat, Magic, died, & this post is my way to honor him.  He died quietly in my arms after living with heart problems for 3 years.  I wondered sometimes after he died if his death was going to kill me.  He was my furry soulmate & best friend.  I went through life on auto pilot for quite some time after his death.  Yes, I was glad Magic was healthy again & with God, but even that didn’t console me.  I wanted my special guy back & knowing that wasn’t going to happen was incredibly painful & hard to accept.

My feelings & experiences aren’t unique.  Many animal lovers suffer greatly when their beloved pet dies.  I have some suggestions to help you get through that awful time.

Accept that you never will “get over” losing your baby.  Instead, you need to adapt to a new life without your loved one.  There is no easy way to do this.  Take it one step at a time.

Grief takes time, so don’t rush yourself or berate yourself for not “being over” it yet.  The more you try to rush the grief process, the longer it will end up taking.

Cry.  Admittedly, that sounds like common sense, but often a reminder is necessary.  You just lost someone you love dearly, & need to cry.  There is absolutely no shame in this!

When reminders of your lost one happen, feel your grief at that time rather than ignore it.  Yes, it’s hard when it suddenly hits you that this is the usual time you gave your baby his medicine & now you don’t have to do it, but ignoring that sadness only hurts you more.  Feeling the pain enables you to process it.

Be careful who you talk to about your experiences & pain.  Not everyone feels the same way you do about animals.  This means that whether intentional or not, some people can say insensitive & invalidating comments.  They will hurt worse when you’re already hurting, so use wisdom on who you talk to.

Don’t rush out & adopt a new pet immediately.  Adopting another pet may be just what you need to help you get through your grief.  Or, it may be a painful reminder that your loved one is no longer with you.  Some people adopt another pet who resembles the one who recently passed, unconsciously expecting the new pet to act like the old one, then are disappointed when that doesn’t happen.  If you wish to honor your departed one by adopting another pet, seriously think about it first.  Then only adopt another if you feel strongly in your heart it is a good move for you at the time.

If you don’t journal, now may be the perfect time to start.  Write out your feelings.  Write about your memories of good times shared with your pet.  It will help you to write these things out.

Create some type of memorial to your pet.  Make a small garden at your pet’s grave.  Or, start a scrapbook of pictures of your pet, preferably including plenty of you two together.  If you make jewelry, you can make an item that reminds you of your pet.  You can include a picture, a tuft of fur or some of your pet’s cremated ashes in a tiny urn.

Most importantly, talk to God.  I have asked Him for comfort, to help me accept my loss & even to tell my departed loved ones that I love & miss them.  Not once has He said no or I shouldn’t do this, so I assume that means it’s ok.  And, many times after asking that, I have had dreams about my loved ones.  I don’t believe that the dead can technically enter our dreams, but I do believe that God gives us dreams about them when we need them.  Maybe they ask Him to make that happen, I’m unsure, but in any case, those dreams can be very comforting & wonderful.

Although it may not seem like it right after losing your beloved pet, you will survive.  In time, you will smile instead of cry once again when you think of your loved one.  xoxo

Unconventional Grief

Most people assume there is only one type of grief, the grief that happens when someone you love dies, but there are other types as well.

People also can grieve when they move, get a divorce or lose a job.  There is also something known as anticipatory grief, which happens when you know someone is dying.  This is especially common in families where someone is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s due to how this terrible disease destroys a person’s personality before it destroys their body.

Unconventional grief is different.  It is grief that is triggered by unique circumstances.  I experienced it when learning about the many new limitations because of how damaged my brain was after surviving Carbon Monoxide Poisoning.  It also can happen when someone is diagnosed with mental illness or when a loved one has a substance abuse problem.  Unconventional grief also can happen as a result of trauma & abuse.

When you grow up with a narcissistic parent or two, & you finally learn about narcissism, although it is a great thing, it can trigger grief.  Suddenly you realize that you aren’t the problem, which is certainly good news of course, but realizing what your parent was is difficult  & painful to accept.  It hurts that the one person who was supposed to love you unconditionally didn’t, & lacks the ability to do so.  You also realize how much your parent took from you, such as your childhood & self-esteem.  And, it suddenly hits you that there is no hope for your relationship.  Prior to learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, most people have some hope that one day their parent will realize what she did, apologize & change for the better.  Learning about NPD squelches that hope completely.  That is a tough pill to swallow!

Facing these ugly truths absolutely can cause a person to grieve, & it’s extremely painful.  It’s also difficult to understand because of the limited view of grief that most people have.  How can you grieve when the person in question is still alive?!  Well, it’s surprisingly easy to do actually.

When my father died in October, 2017, I didn’t cry.  I cry easily especially when losing someone I love, but I didn’t cry.   I barely have felt sad at all since he’s been gone.  No doubt any of my family that may be reading this thinks it’s because I’m a cold, evil person, but that isn’t the case.  It’s because I grieved him enough when he was alive that his death didn’t have a very profound effect on me.  And you know something?  Many other adult children of narcissistic parents I’ve spoken with have said that they felt the same exact thing when their parent died.

Unconventional grief can be incredibly difficult, but you can get through it.

Pray & pray often.  You will need the wisdom, guidance & comfort of God to get through this.

Don’t judge your emotions.  Accept them.  Examine them without judgement or criticism.  Feel them.  Pray, talk or write about them to cope with them.

Anger is an especially common part of this sort of grief.  If you feel a lot of anger, it’s normal!  I know, you probably grew up like most of us with narcissistic parents did, believing you aren’t allowed to be angry.  Stop that now!  Why are you angry?  Face it head on & deal with your feelings.  The pain will lose its power over you if you face it.

You also may start to remember only the good times.  They are good to remember, but don’t forget the bad as well.  Embrace the good & heal from the bad.

Write in a journal.  Writing is very cathartic, plus it will help you to have documentation.  You may even decide that you enjoy writing, & opt to start a blog or write a book.

Find online support groups & websites.  Learning that others are experiencing similar things to you is very helpful.

Don’t expect this grief to end entirely.  It will get better, but it may never end entirely. It’s like losing a loved one- you grieve most right after the person died, but even many years later, the pain is still there, just not as intense as it was at first.

If you’re experiencing unconventional grief, Dear Reader, know you aren’t alone.  You can survive this!  It will take hard work & won’t be easy, but you can do it!

What Not To Say When Someone Is Grieving

A friend & I were talking recently about some of the dumb things people say to someone who is grieving.

 

• “He’s in a better place.” (And knowing this negates my pain how exactly??)
• “You should be glad she’s not suffering anymore.”  (I am glad, but I still miss her!)
• “I know just how you feel.”  (No, you don’t.  You aren’t me.  We feel things differently)
• (in cases of pet loss) “It was just a cat/dog/bird/etc.”  (To you, but to me, that was my baby!)
• Or, simply acting like since their loved one has been buried or cremated, they should be ready to on with their lives since it’s “done”.  The funeral marks the beginning of learning to leave without your loved one.  Personally, I feel “in limbo” until the funeral or cremation is done.  Once that happens, my grief really begins.

 

Comments like these may not sound so bad, but they can be hurtful when you’re in the early stages of grief.

 

The simple fact is people don’t know what to say in this situation.  Nothing sounds “right”, so many people say something unintentionally hurtful rather than saying nothing.

 

If you know someone who has recently lost someone they love, please think before you speak.  What may comfort you may not comfort the other person.  Everyone grieves differently.  Plus, there are various stages of grief, & what may comfort someone at one stage may not at another stage.  For example, knowing I’ll see my loved one again one day does NOT comfort me immediately after losing that person or pet.  I call it the selfish phase of grief, where I  just want them back with me because I miss them so much.  Some time later, knowing we’ll be reunited one day is a great comfort.

 

It seems to me there are only a few safe things to say to someone who is grieving.

 

• “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
• “Is there anything I can do for you?”
• “If you want to talk, I’m here for you anytime.”

 

Please consider your words wisely when someone you know has lost a loved one.  You have the ability to help them or hurt them, so please, choose to help them.

Grief Anniversaries

Tomorrow marks the thirteenth anniversary of my paternal Granddad’s passing.  Like every single year on May 31, I know I’ll be depressed & missing him more than usual.

 

Grief anniversaries are rough days, but I think they can be a good thing in a way as well.  They remind you of someone you dearly loved yet lost.  They gently push you to remember some good times, & the things you loved about that person.  As sad as May 31 always is for me, I also look forward to the day in a way because it gives me an excuse to remember the good times, like sitting around what is now my dining room table with Granddad, listening to him telling me stories of our family.  Or, going to our favorite little Italian place for lunch & chatting over a yummy meal.  I also remember how after his death, butterflies started appearing in my life, comforting me.  I also laugh how my talking teddy bear that he liked has started talking without me pushing the button since he passed, & I’m pretty sure he has something to do with my talking bear.  His way of saying hi.

 

Sometimes, too, the day reminds me of the viewing the day before & the funeral.  Those memories are extremely hard & all these years later, still make me cry.  But, sometimes tears can be a good thing.  They can be cleansing & healing.  They also are proof of having loved the departed one a great deal.  Loving someone is truly one of God’s most precious gifts.

 

I’ve also noticed grief anniversaries can be spontaneous.  The scent of your loved one’s cologne or perfume, the sound of his or her favorite music or even a sport he or she loved can be enough to bring you to tears for missing that person sometimes.  Even now, there are times I think, “I should call or email Granddad about this” or “I wish I could talk to him about this” & experience a renewed grief with the reminder I can’t talk to him anymore until I see him in Heaven one day.

 

I really believe these days are important to acknowledge.  They keep your loved one in your heart & mind, close to you, so he or she is never really gone.  That is why every May 31 & August 15 (his birthday) I remember my granddad.  I also remember days I’ve lost others I’ve loved- my grandmother, great-grandmother, & my furbabies.  They’re always close to me, always in my heart.

 

Animals Grieve Too

On this day in 2014, my husband & I lost one of our special cats, Georgie.  We adopted him & his brother, Pretty Boy, when they were only about 4 weeks old.  They were adorable tiny, fluffy black powder puffs, born to a stray living in a local lady’s yard.  She said she was going to have animal control take all of the cats later in the week.  Rather than let them take their chances at the shelter, we decided to adopt the brothers.  After all, we had lost 2 cats in a short time prior, & another one was dying from cancer- we knew she had very little time left.  Kittens always help to cheer us up (they’re so fun & silly!), these two were in need, black cats are the least likely to be adopted & also my personal favorites.  It seemed like everything was saying we needed to adopt these two precious little boys.

 

That was in 2002, & in the 12 years we had both boys, we had a lot of laughs, mostly because of Georgie.  He was mischievous & ornery, where his brother is much more serious.  In spite of their very different personalities, they were inseparable.  Georgie was always Pretty Boy’s protector- if another cat went to mess with Pretty Boy, Georgie intervened, even if the other cat only wanted to play.  When Pretty Boy was diagnosed with diabetes in 2011, Georgie was always there to comfort his brother, especially when he came home smelling like the world’s most horrible place, the vet’s office.

 

Then on April 16, 2014, I realized around 10:00 that I hadn’t seen Georgie since the previous night.  I texted my husband who said he hadn’t either.  I thought maybe Georgie sneaked outside (as he had a couple of times before), or was hiding somewhere napping. I searched the house & couldn’t find him.  He didn’t come when I called, which was very unusual.  In a panic, I asked my husband to come home & help me find him.  He found Georgie in our bedroom closet.  Apparently he passed away in his sleep, why we don’t know.

 

 

Pretty Boy was devastated, & as you may know, stress & emotions can play havoc with one’s blood glucose levels.  For a month, Pretty Boy’s already sensitive levels could jump 600 points or sink 600 points in a 12 hour period.  Thankfully, his glucose levels started to level out after about a month.  Pretty Boy has not been the same since losing his brother.  He became even more serious, but at least he has developed closer friendships with the other cats.

 

Losing a furbaby is excruciating for people, but we aren’t the only ones who suffer.  Their furry family suffers too.  Blood related or not, if you have more than one pet, chances are good that they are bonded to some degree.  Maybe they don’t show their love as openly as Georgie & Pretty Boy, but there is a bond there.   I have had 27 cats in my adult life, & have lost 17 to date, plus had 3 dogs & lost 2 of them.  I can tell you that the survivors always grieve.  Not all grieve as hard as my Pretty Boy did for his brother, but there was still a great deal of pain when others passed on.  I have seen it over & over

 

If you have lost a furbaby, please remember this!  I know you are suffering, but so are your surviving furbabies.  You need to help each other through the grief process.  It will help you both to get through & bond you even closer.

 

How do you help when you feel like you’re falling apart?  First, pray.  Ask God to help you to help your furbaby.  Pray for your furbaby- lay your hands on him or her & pray out loud.  I have yet to have one pet not like this.  They understand what you are doing, & they do appreciate it!  Mine certainly have.

 

Offer your surviving furbaby extra love.  Lots of snuggles & saying “I love you” truly help you both a great deal.  Don’t think animals don’t know what you’re saying, only the tone of voice- they understand exactly what you’re saying!  And, like humans, hearing a heart felt “I love you” is always welcomed, but especially when they are hurting.  This helps you too- when you receive snuggles in return, it helps to lift your spirits.

 

You can take your baby for a walk- not only dogs enjoy walks, but some cats do as well.  In fact, some cats enjoy walking with a harness & leash, believe it or not.  If your kitty isn’t a fan, they make pet strollers that safely protect your cat in a netted cage of sorts, allowing her to enjoy the fresh air & remain protected at the same time.

 

Playing is always a good bonding experience with your pet, & it helps to elevate both your moods.  I have yet to meet a dog who didn’t love a good game of fetch or tug of war.  Most cats enjoy cat nip, chasing a piece of string or rope & some even enjoy jingle bells or small crinkle balls.  The experience also helps to cheer you up because it’s such fun watching your furbaby have fun.

 

Losing a pet is a painful, horrible experience, but never forget, it also hurts your other pets.  They need you now more than ever, & you need them.

Prayer, Please..

Good afternoon, Dear Readers.

I would like to take a moment & ask for your prayers today. Not many of you know this, but this past January, I learned an ex-boyfriend of mine shot & killed his boyfriend, then himself. I would like to ask you to pray for everyone affected by this tragedy. No doubt his family are still trying to come to terms with what happened. And, I can only imagine the anger & shock his boyfriend’s family must still be feeling.

This has come to mind because it was this day in 1990 that I met my ex. I wonder what happened in his life since I last saw him that brought him to such a dark place. He had been arrested a week before his death, & the mug shot that was online & in the local papers showed someone who has been through a very hard life. Someone who looked at least 20 years older than he really was, & I didn’t even recognize.

So anyway prayers for those affected by this senseless tragedy that has affected these 2 families would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much!!

Thank You!

Thank you so much to everyone for your support & kind words this past week.  Losing my sweet Georgie then my aunt four days later has been really rough. 

Grieving is always painful & difficult, but it’s even harder for me since the C-PTSD fully developed two years ago.  C-PTSD seems to exaggerate the normal grief depression, & my anxiety levels are very high.  My short term memory is worse than usual, & I’m having more trouble than usual finding words.  Just getting through each day is a challenge, because frankly, I’d rather crawl into bed & not come out for a long time.  And, tomorrow, I have to drive my father & I an hour one way to my aunt’s memorial service.  That doesn’t help the anxiety!  I haven’t driven this or any busy highway in probably eight years, so yes, I am panicky.

In spite of how I feel, though, I know God will keep enabling me to get through this hard time.  I’m grateful for that.  I don’t know how I’d survive right now if it wasn’t for God in my life.  He’s even helped me to make some progress on my new book about narcissistic mothers.  Usually when I’m grieving or the C-PTSD is flaring up, I can’t work.  It’s awesome to me I’ve been able to work at all this past week.

And, the funny part is, I haven’t been praying as much as usual.  I withdraw from everyone, even God, during bad times.  Thankfully, He understands that, & obviously loves & cares for me anyway.

God is so good!  He is so loving, gentle, understanding & kind.  If you haven’t thanked God for His love today, I’d like to encourage you to do so now.  If you aren’t feeling loved for some reason, then think about what has been going on in your life lately.  I bet you can think of little ways that God has shown He loves you.  If not, ask Him to show you.  And, when you see those things, let Him know how grateful you are.  It not only pleases God to hear that, but it makes you feel good, too.  A grateful heart, aware of God’s blessings & unfailing love, is a happy heart.  It also strengthens you to make it through the hard times, which is what’s happening with me right now.

Update For April 18, 2014

I’m sorry for vanishing.. it’s been a very painful few days for me, & I haven’t been up to writing in here or in the new book. On Wednesday, my mother’s birthday, we suddenly lost one of our beloved kitties, Georgie. I’m honestly not sure what happened. I am guessing his heart. He passed away quietly in his sleep. Here’s a picture of my sweet little guy..

Since his death, all of us are grieving a great deal, but perhaps no one more than his brother, Pretty Boy. They were extremely close. Since there is no way to eliminate grief, all I know to do is comfort the little guy as much as I can. I came up with an idea that I think is offering him some comfort. I made him a new collar, & put a tiny vial with some of his brother’s cremated ashes in it on the collar. He showed his appreciation immediately by offering me lots of purrs & snuggles. One thing I have learned about animals is they do truly appreciate when we make them a gift. I think it’s sweet. 🙂 If you think of it, please pray for our little family. Every one of us is hurting tremendously right now from our loss. Thank you. I’m hoping to get back to blogging & working on the new book within a few days. As if grieving isn’t hard enough, it’s even ore difficult with C-PTSD. It’s making the usual depression, anxiety & muddied thinking even worse than usual. Thank you for your patience & understanding! xoxo

Self Pity

It seems like everywhere I look lately, I’m seeing something about how no one should indulge in self pity.  It’s dangerous to your mental health, & a sign of weakness & immaturity, etc. etc.

I respectfully disagree.

While constantly feeling sorry for one’s self can lead to depression of course, I believe there are times where self pity is normal &, dare I say, even healthy.

–When someone you love dies, why do you grieve?  Because you miss that person.  That is perfectly normal! 

–When you & your first love broke up, you felt sorry for yourself because you were hurting.   That too, is perfectly normal.

–And, when you learn that your childhood wasn’t normal, but abusive, you’re going to feel sorry for yourself sometimes.  That is completely normal, especially on days when you wake up from nightmares or someone says something that reminds you of your abusive parent, causing you tremendous anxiety.

Although for many years, I shared the common mindset of the dangers of self pity, I have come to realize that it is wrong- self pity is a necessary part of life.  It’s a normal part of the grief process, & it helps you learn from painful experiences.   It also motivates you to be gentle with yourself during hard times.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself sometimes.  After all, it is evidence of your compassion.  If you can feel sorry for others who hurt, why shouldn’t you offer yourself that same love & compassion? You deserve compassion too!

When An Abusive Parent Dies

New information on my website.  It’s about what may happen when your abusive mother dies.  I realize the topic is morbid, but it also isn’t discussed.  You need to be aware of what to expect.

http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/The_Abuser’s_Death.htm