Life With Chronic Illness Or Pain

Living with a chronic illness or pain is filled with immense loss & challenges.  It is not simply the physical symptoms, but also the profound emotional impact it has on the lack of ability to live a “normal” life.  We lose the freedom to do things we once loved without pain or exhaustion, & with that loss comes grief & mourning for the life we once enjoyed.  Additionally, we find ourselves having to adapt to new limitations, which can be emotionally draining & isolating.  Today, I want to offer some hope & encouragement in the midst of these struggles.

One of the most significant losses that individuals with chronic illness or pain experience is the loss of normalcy.  Before the onset of the condition, we were able to engage in activities without the burden of pain or exhaustion.  We could pursue passions, hobbies, & dreams with vigor & enthusiasm.  However, chronic illness or pain changes everything.  Suddenly, even the simplest tasks become arduous & draining.  The ability to work, socialize, or engage in physical activities may become limited or even impossible, which naturally leads to a profound sense of loss.

With this loss of normalcy comes a deep longing for the life that once was.  It is common to grieve over the things we can no longer do & the dreams we had to lose.  The future envisioned is now filled with uncertainty & limitations.  This loss can be especially challenging for individuals who had a strong sense of identity tied to their abilities & achievements.  They struggle the hardest with feelings of inadequacy, as the illness or pain creates a new version of themselves that they have to learn to adapt to.

The loss of normalcy extends beyond physical limitations.  It also impacts our emotional well being.  The constant presence of pain or the challenges of managing a chronic illness leads to feelings of frustration, sadness, & even depression.  The emotional toll of chronic illness or pain is often underestimated & misunderstood by those who have not experienced it themselves. 

Living with a chronic illness or pain is even more challenging when faced with the lack of understanding & empathy from others.  People who have not experienced chronic illness or pain firsthand often fail to comprehend the daily struggles & limitations.  Some question the authenticity of our condition, accusing us of faking or seeking attention.  These accusations are hurtful & invalidating, especially when they come from those close to us.

Furthermore, the impatience of others compounds the challenges we face.  It is common for those with chronic illnesses or pain to have limitations & require accommodations or adjustments.  However, this may frustrate those around us.  They may become impatient with our slower pace, our need for rest & breaks, or our inability to participate in certain activities.  This impatience makes us feel like a burden, further eroding our sense of self worth.

Amidst the losses & challenges of living with chronic illness or pain, finding hope & strength can be a difficult but necessary journey.  As a Christian, I have found solace in my relationship with God.  2 Corinthians 12:9 in the Amplified Bible says, “but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.”  This Scripture reminds me that even in my limitations, I am not alone & that God still can work through me.

While it is natural to grieve over the losses that chronic illness or pain brings, it is also important to remember that our identity is not solely defined by our abilities or achievements.  Our worth as individuals is rooted in our inherent value as children of God.  Through a relationship with God, we can find strength, hope, & purpose in our lives, even in the midst of our limitations.  God’s grace is sufficient for you, & His power is made perfect in your weakness.

Supporting Someone Who Has Lost An Abusive Parent

Losing a parent is a truly unique & painful experience, in particular when that parent is abusive.  My husband & I lost all four of our parents in a short time – one parent a year from 2016 to 2019.  It was a very painful & confusing time for us both. 

I realized at that time, people have no real idea on how to help those whose abusive parent has died.  Thank God, I have some wonderful people who are very close to me that did know, but they were in the minority.  It seemed to me that the majority of people assumed because I was no contact at the time my parents passed away, that their deaths didn’t affect me in the slightest.  They couldn’t have been more wrong!  And sadly, I didn’t know what I needed at the time, let alone how to express those needs.  Today I want to express some common needs so that anyone who reads this can share this with their loved ones to get the help they need.  Clearly grief doesn’t have a “one size fits all” solution, but I am sharing some basic needs that I believe should be able to help most people.

To support someone who has lost an abusive parent, let that person know you are in this for the long haul.  Grief is a very messy journey full of ups & downs, lots of tears, anger & even joy.  To someone who hasn’t seen their loved one experience such emotions, it can be pretty intimidating, but if you can get past that & let your loved one know you are going to be there for them no matter what, that person is going to treasure you.

Don’t judge.  When my father died, I barely shed a tear.  When my mother died almost exactly 18 months later, I was utterly devastated.  There was also a painful feeling of relief that the abuse was finally over when they died.  When each of my parents died, I did NOT need judgment about my feelings.  I needed love, support & comforting words letting me know that my feelings were valid, even though they were vastly different with each parent.  Thank God, I have all of that in my wonderful best friend.  Everyone needs someone like this to help them survive losing their abusive parent.

Don’t try to rush grief.  Grief is unpredictable & has no time table.  Rather than trying to rush someone through their grief, encourage them to take their time & mourn however they need to.  Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to mourn, & this is so true.  While sometimes a distraction from their loss might be helpful, crying & getting their feelings out is even more helpful.

If you don’t know what to say, admit it.  Sometimes in these situations, the most helpful thing a person can hear is “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here to help if I can.”  Honesty like that goes a very long way.  And, it is so much better than saying something that while well meaning, comes across hurtful.

Check in often.  Some people tend to withdraw when going through trials.  I’m one of those people.  But, that doesn’t mean people like me don’t want to know other people care!  A quick text to say, “How are you today?” or “Thinking of you” can mean the world to someone who is grieving.  Extroverted people need these check ins so they know others care for them, too, & it may open the door for them to talk things over with you, which could help them tremendously.

Encourage them to do whatever they like that helps to process their loss.  Sometimes this may be getting angry about the terrible things their parent did to them.  Other times it may be as lovely as planting a garden in their parent’s honor.  Let your loved one do what they want to without fear of you judging or criticizing them.

Let them know it’s ok to talk negatively about their abusive parent even though he or she has died.  There is some unwritten rule out there that people aren’t supposed to speak badly of the dead.  As if dying negates all bad things they’ve done & rockets them into sainthood.  For children of abusive parents, this can be painful because they know their parent was no saint.  They have the emotional & sometimes physical scars to prove it.  If your loved one says something derogatory about their parent, let them know it’s ok to say these things.  The truth doesn’t change just because someone has died.  And, also let them know it’s perfectly OK to discuss whatever good things they want to about their abusive parents, too.  Chances are there was something good about them, & it’s good to discuss those along with the bad things.

Offer to pray for & with your loved one.  Sometimes the most comforting thing a person can do in your most painful times is pray for you.  Ask God to carrying your loved one & strengthen them during this extremely painful time along with anything else you can think of this person needs.

Treating someone in these ways definitely can help them get through the intensely painful process of losing an abusive parent while strengthening your relationship at the same time.

Losing A Narcissistic Parent

When someone’s parent dies, if they had a good relationship with that parent, or at least the relationship looked good to outsiders, chances are good they will get plenty of support.  People will tell them how sorry they were for their loss, bake casseroles & say things like, “If there’s anything I can do, call me.” 

When a narcissistic parent dies, however, the scenario is much different.  The usual signs of support & love aren’t common.  Quite the opposite in many cases.  Often, flying monkeys come out of the woodwork to shame the adult child at this time for being such a terrible son or daughter.  To add insult to injury, people often don’t know what to say to someone who has lost a narcissistic parent.  They seem to think since the adult child wasn’t close to the parent or maybe hadn’t even seen them in quite some time prior to their death, their death doesn’t affect the adult child at all.  They may say a brief, “sorry to hear about your parent” & then act as if nothing has happened. 

When my parents died, this was my experience. My father died in October, 2017, & I hadn’t spoken to my father in several months, then almost eighteen months later when my mother died, we hadn’t spoken in almost exactly three years.  My father was the first of my parents to die.  His death was surrounded by flying monkey attacks.  They happened frequently for a few months prior to his death, then daily for his final three weeks.  When my mother died, it also was an incredibly hard time for me.  Thankfully there weren’t many flying monkey attacks, but it was still very difficult.  The circumstances surrounding her death & her final few months were tragic, leaving me feeling incredibly guilty for being no contact when she clearly needed help.

The scenarios I described earlier is exactly how things worked for my husband & I.  When his parents were getting sicker & frailer, he spent a lot of time with them.  He was the only one to take them to the hospital & help them out when no one else would.  People showered him with concern & love when they passed away.  My husband got through the situation quite well, keeping to himself as is his nature, but no doubt several folks would have been more than happy to listen if he wanted to talk or if he’d needed help. When my parents died, things were very different. Those closest to me were very supportive but those not as close to me weren’t.  It was clear they didn’t know what to say or do, so in most cases, they said & did nothing, even acting as if nothing unusual had happened in my life.

Since so many of you who follow my work are in positions more like mine, & you are on my heart to talk to today.

When your narcissistic parent dies, it’s going to be hard.  The lack of support & understanding from those in your life may make it harder.  And, it really hurts!

I learned something.  It’s perfectly normal to feel as I did.  If you feel the same way, you’re ok!

For one thing, it’s a shock.  Narcissistic parents seem to take up all the space in the relationship.  They can feel bigger than life.  That means it’s impossible to imagine life without them.  It even can feel like them dying is impossible – they’ll always be there.  The fact they aren’t anymore is a strange & difficult thing to face.

There’s also the fact that losing a parent is different than losing anyone else.  You never lived one single day without your parent.  You may not have seen them daily or called often, but even so, the only world you know involved your parents being in it.  They were always a part of your reality.  That alone makes it seem impossible to make sense of a world without them. 

Lastly, whatever the relationship, if you’re drastically affected by your parent’s death it’s because you loved your parent.  That is totally normal.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  That is just as normal as feeling virtually nothing when your narcissistic parent dies because you grieved them enough when they were alive. 

Losing a narcissistic parent is a very strange thing to face.  Don’t judge yourself for how you feel about it.  Just focus on taking care of yourself, & grieving however you need to.

Grieving A Narcissist After No Contact

It may sound bizarre, but going no contact with a narcissist can trigger grief.  Often very intense grief.  Chances are there were some good times together, some laughs shared, & some other enjoyable experiences.  Narcissists aren’t abusive all of the time, & during their times of not being abusive, can be really pleasant to be around.  (If that wasn’t the case, if they were abusive constantly, people would catch on to what they were much faster!)

Another thing to consider is that the narcissist is still alive when you go no contact.  As incredibly painful as it is to accept the death of someone you love, at least it’s natural because death is a part of life.  Grieving a still living person is unnatural & that alone makes that grief more complicated.

There also is the fact that just because someone is a narcissist doesn’t mean you don’t love that person.  Maybe the narcissist in your life swept you off your feet & wooed you as no one else ever has.  This made you fall deeply in love with this person & in spite of all the abuse, you still love that side of the narcissist.  Or maybe the narcissist in your life is a parent.  Children naturally love their parents, so in spite of it all, you can’t help but to love your narcissistic parent.

Ending a relationship with someone definitely triggers grief, even when that someone was horribly abusive.  It is an unavoidable fact of life.  However, many people upon ending their relationship with a narcissist are surprised & even embarrassed or ashamed of how they feel.  They didn’t expect to feel anything but relief at this time.  This conversation is for those of you who have experienced that.

The wisest thing you can do is to maintain a close relationship to God during this difficult time.  He cares so much about you & wants to comfort you!  Let Him!

Never judge your feelings.  Just accept them as they are, without judgment.  Judging them only leads to trying to stifle them, & stifled feelings are incredibly unhealthy.  Feelings demand to be acknowledged, so if they aren’t acknowledged in a healthy way, they will manifest in unhealthy ways such as dysfunctional behaviors or health problems.

Also talk about your feelings either with a safe, non-judgmental person or by writing them in a journal or both.  Another person’s compassion & feedback can be extremely helpful.  It can bring you validation & comfort.  And, writing can help bring clarity that speaking doesn’t.  Writing about things can help you to learn & understand your situation.  Both can be valuable tools in healing. 

You also need to know that in this time of grief, many people won’t understand how you feel.  It seems like the majority of people think when you end a relationship, you don’t have any feelings for the other person anymore so ending it was no big deal to you.  Even others who have severed ties with narcissists can fail to understand.  Maybe they truly hated the narcissist in their lives, & assume everyone feels the same way.  Learning you don’t makes them think something is wrong with you rather than accepting you simply are different.  There also will be those who understand you are grieving but don’t see why it’s going on for so long.  They may think you are “over it” & treat you accordingly when you aren’t doing well at all just yet.  In any case, when people don’t understand how you feel, they may say & do foolish & hurtful things.  Whether their intentions are malicious or not, it may be wise for you to keep a bit of a distance from them for a while. 

Just remember, if you feel grief after going no contact with the narcissist in your life, there is nothing wrong with you.  Take care of yourself.  Process your emotions.  Be understanding & patient with yourself.  Grief is a process & although it’s an incredibly painful one, you will get through it. 

Good Can Happen After The Death Of A Narcissistic Parent

April 19, 2019 was a strange night for me.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was the night the police came to my home to tell me that not only had my mother passed away, but being her only child, dealing with the situation was my responsibility.  As soon as they told me she was gone, I immediately knew that my life as I knew it was over.  At that moment, it felt incredibly daunting & terrible, but as time passed, I realized it wasn’t a bad thing. 

I want to share some my story for those of you who are in the position of having recently lost a narcissistic parent or are losing a dying narcissistic parent.

In the time since my mother died, I have run through the entire gamut of emotions.  Her death made me angry, sad, hurt, happy, relieved, guilty & more.  I also had to deal with things far out of my comfort zone, such as making her burial arrangements, dealing with a huge error the cemetery made when burying my father 18 months prior, & dealing with my mother’s estate.  My parents had told me that not only would I never get any inheritance, but they had chosen a neighbor to be the personal representative of their estate.  You can imagine my surprise finding out those were all lies.

Anyway, there was good that came from all of this, & that is the point of this post. 

Without my parents, so much healing has happened!  The crippling agoraphobia I lived with since 1996 has all but vanished.  I still get anxious in stores sometimes & try to avoid crowded times, but compared to what it once was, this is fantastic! I can go out alone now!

My self esteem has improved greatly too.  I can’t say 100% healthy but I can say a lot closer to that than it once was.  As a result, I am setting healthier boundaries now & have even less tolerance of abusive behavior.

There is also a sense of freedom I have never felt in my life.  For the first time, I know I can leave home & not run the risk of running into my parents around town.  I know when my phone rings, it won’t be either of them dumping all of their complaints about their marriage on me with no respect to how uncomfortable & painful that was for me. 

Best of all, yet also the most mysterious of all, is how the level of shame I once felt has decreased drastically.  I truly don’t understand the connection but when my mother died, it was as if the toxic shame I once felt vanished.  Naturally I’m still not proud of things I have done in my life, but I no longer feel intense shame about them or the person I am.  It’s wonderful!

I am telling you this to encourage you.  If your narcissistic parent is dying or has died, it is going to be a very hard time for you.  You may feel relieved they are gone & then guilt for feeling that relief.  You may grieve the parent you never had.  You may feel all the years of anger rear their ugly head at once.  You may feel numb.  You may feel something entirely different.  It’s impossible to say what you will feel.  There seems to be no way to predict what you will feel other than guilty since that seems to be a constant among others who have lost a narcissistic parent.  If you are losing your second narcissistic parent, it may be entirely different for you than when your first one passed. When my father died, I was shocked I felt so numb. I barely shed any tears after his death, probably because I had grieved him so long while he was alive.  When my mother died almost exactly 18 months later, I felt devastated.  Losing a narcissistic parent is a strange thing to put it mildly.  That being said though, it also can open doors to some very good things.  When you feel able, look for the good.  The good things really can carry you through all of the bad.  You will be shocked at just how much good came from it! 

Also, I’m not saying only look at the good & ignore the bad.  That is unhealthy.  Feel the bad feelings.  Sit with them.  Acknowledge them.  Accept that they are there & do so without judgment.  Pray about them.  Write about them in your journal.  Talk about them with a safe friend, therapist or pastor.  Have balance & be gentle with yourself during this very trying time.

Experiencing Grief After Narcissistic Abuse

A common feeling many people experience after narcissistic abuse is grief.  It makes sense since there is a great deal to grieve!  If the narcissist in question was a parent, you grieve the loss of your childhood, the pain of having a parent who didn’t treat you right or love you, the years wasted trying to please your impossible to please parent, the parent you wish you had & more.  If the narcissist was a spouse, there is grief too, because that person married you not out of love, but out of wanting to use & abuse you.  There is also time wasted with this person that could have been spent in much better ways.  You also may grieve the loss of the person you thought the narcissist was at first.   If you passed up a good person to marry the narcissist, there is regret & grief over losing that good person.  If you had children together, no doubt there is also a great deal of guilt over giving your children this terrible person as a parent. 

Whatever your situation, if you’re grieving after escaping narcissistic abuse, please know you are normal!  It’s awful to experience but it’s also very normal.  Grief isn’t only something to be experienced after someone dies.  It comes after all kinds of losses.

You need to experience & process your grief after narcissistic abuse just as you would after losing someone you love.  It is healing to cry & be angry about the unfairness of it all.  Ignoring it, pretending it isn’t happening or even shaming yourself as if something is wrong with you for feeling this way isn’t healthy at all!

Rather than do those unhealthy things, why not try accepting your feelings without judgment?  They’re not abnormal, they’re not wrong & you aren’t crazy for feeling the way you do.  Stop criticizing them.  Accept them for what they are- your feelings that are completely valid.

As you accept them, sit with them for a while.  Cry or yell if you need to.  I know this can be difficult for those of us shamed for having feelings by our narcissistic parent, so if those are too much, then try writing things out.  If you don’t have a journal, it may be an excellent time to start one.  If you want to be certain no one ever reads it, there are online journals that are private & password protected.  I use Penzu’s free version, but there are plenty of others as well if it doesn’t meet your needs.

I’ve also found writing letters to the narcissist very helpful.  I wrote out everything I thought & felt about what they did, not censoring myself.  The especially important part of this is I never sent the letters.  I wrote them to purge myself of the awful things I felt because of the actions of a narcissist, not to tell the narcissist how they made me feel or to try to make them see the errors of their ways.  Doing such things is a complete waste of time & energy with a narcissist.  In fact, if you do them, chances are you’ll only feel worse after instead of better because the narcissist will try to convince you that you’re oversensitive, overreacting or even crazy.  Instead, I’ve found ripping the letters up & throwing them away or burning them to be very helpful.

If you have a safe friend, relative or even counselor, talking about your grief or praying with them can be very helpful as well. 

You also need to be aware that grief doesn’t have time limits.  You can’t expect to get over the trauma in a set time.  In fact, a part of you most likely always will grieve to some degree, just like when someone you love dies.  It does get easier in time though.  You also learn to rebuild yourself & adapt to your new life without suffering narcissistic abuse. Whatever you choose to do to cope isn’t important.  What matters is that you deal with your grief & accept it as a natural part of the healing process.

Unconventional Grief After Narcissistic Abuse

Emotions After The Death Of A Narcissistic Parent

When a narcissistic parent dies, many who write about this topic assume all victims have the same experience when their narcissistic parent dies.  This is incredibly WRONG!

Many who lose a narcissistic parent are relieved that their parent is gone.  They are finally free from the abuse, & the joy over that overrides any other emotion.

Others who lose a narcissistic parent are devastated.  Their parent’s death symbolizes the loss of all hope for things to be better.  Even if they accepted there was no hope for the relationship, death finalizes that.  It squashes any potential, no matter how small, for things to be better.  That can be devastating.

Still others experience numbness when their narcissistic parent dies.  They have grieved for their parent so much while he or she was alive that when that parent dies, they have nothing left to give emotionally. 

Having lost both of my narcissistic parents as well as spoken to many others who lost theirs, I have learned something valuable that I believe can help anyone in this position.

Anything is normal after a narcissistic parent dies. 

Whether you miss your parent or not.  Whether you are overwhelmed or not.  Even if you go totally numb to the loss.  It’s all normal!  There’s no one size fits all way for people to grieve such a death.  Everyone processes this situation differently.  In fact, even if you have two narcissistic parents, you may grieve them both differently.  I did.  When my father died in October, 2017, I barely shed a tear for him even to this day.  I had grieved a lot for him while he was still alive, so I really had very little left to feel when he died. 

Almost exactly eighteen months later in April, 2019, my mother died.  Her death devastated me.  It truly shook me to my core.  I was in shock for quite some time after her passing.  When the shock began to wear off, I experienced the gamut of emotions.  There was a lot of anger, sadness, confusion & relief. 

And you know something?  Even though I experienced vastly different emotions after each parent died, what I experienced was normal!

The relationship a person has with each of their parents is unique.  Even if both parents are narcissists, they are still unique individuals which means the relationship with each parent is also unique.

Not to mention, in most cases when two narcissists marry, one is an overt narcissist while the other is covert.  That simple fact alone changes the dynamic of any relationship due to how each type of narcissist treats their victim.

If you have lost a narcissistic parent or even two narcissistic parents, chances are you will feel like you’re going crazy.  You aren’t!  Whatever you feel is normal.  Yes, it feels otherwise but the situation is abnormal.  You can’t expect to feel normal in an abnormal situation.  Accept your feelings without judgment, & process them however works best for you.  Journal, cry, write angry letters, talk to a non-judgmental friend or therapist. 

If someone you know has lost a narcissistic parent or two, don’t make any assumptions.  Even if you have been in a similar situation, your friend may not feel as you do. 

Also, don’t assume someone misses their parents or hates their parent.  Remember, everyone is different.  Make no assumptions.  Just listen to your friend without judgment & with an open mind.  Make sure this person knows you are there, you love them, you won’t criticize whatever they are feeling & you are willing to help them if at all possible.

Whether you are in the position of having lost a narcissistic parent or are supporting someone who has, the best thing you can do is to pray.  Let God guide you in how to cope or how to help.  You need this from Him & He will be glad to help!

For Those Who Have Lost Pets

I have debated quite a bit about sharing this post since it’s so unusual, but feel like it may be a good thing to share. I hope it encourages others who have lost their beloved pets.

Years ago, I wrote a book called, “Pawprints On Our Hearts”. I wrote it after realizing just how much my wonderful pets have taught me over the years. Losing them also has been a learning experience for me. Mostly it taught me they still love us & think of us even after passing on.

Some of you know, we lost one of our cats in the early hours on June 24. Fergus was just under 4 years old & healthy. He had spent much of his final day chasing his favorite laser pointer, in fact. His sudden & unexpected death came as a total shock to all of us.

Losing a beloved pet is always a huge struggle for me. My pets are my kids, & are more family to me than my human family. Somehow, losing Fergus was even harder than usual. So hard, I couldn’t even face his death at first because it hurt too much. For someone like me who believes in facing pain head on to deal with it, that is highly unusual & confusing. To cope, I did a lot of praying as I was able to.

Last week, I couldn’t stop crying one evening & in the midst of that, God told me some wonderful things.

Fergus always knew somehow that he wouldn’t have a long life. That is why he was so passionate & playful- he wanted to enjoy every possible moment of whatever time he had.

Also, he died of a stroke as I suspected. I was confused at first, because my late snowshoe girl, Jasmine, had her first stroke at 13 yet survived with minimal problems. God told me that Fergus’ stroke was different. He would have been paralyzed if he survived, so God felt it kinder to take him rather than let him live in a state that would’ve made Fergus miserable. I had to agree.

God also said Fergus is happy & playing lots. He also loves me, but is worried about me being so sad he’s gone. God told him this is what happens with humans when we lose someone we love. It’s normal & it will get better in time.

This was a lot to absorb, so I asked God to give me a sign if it was true. I was listening to music shuffling on my cell phone at the time. The song that came on immediately after asking for a sign was Queen’s “The Show Must Go On” & I knew in my heart, this was my sign. Fergus was very flamboyant, passionate, caring, intelligent & loving. This song is one of my favorites by Queen. It was written by the guitarist for the lead singer when he was dying. The lead singer, upon thinking about it, was quite similar to Fergus.

The reason I’m sharing this with you is because I hope to offer you comfort if you too have lost a beloved pet. Animals have souls, just like people. When they die, their souls move on just like people’s do. They also love deeply, & death doesn’t change that.

If you’re missing your beloved furbaby, then please, turn to God. He can & will be glad to give you what you need to help you cope. I have experienced that repeatedly! Fergus isn’t the first one of my cats to have a special song. Far from it! Jasmine’s is, “Angel” by Aerosmith. Georgie’s is, “Angel Eyes” by Steelheart. Vincent’s is “Someday We’ll Be Together” by the Supremes. There are others as well, but I don’t want to bore you with the long list. Anyway each time God told me that my loved ones wanted me to know about a special song, healing started. He may do the same for you or He may do something else to help you start to heal. Whatever happens, it will be what God knows will help you more than anything. It’ll bring you comfort & peace knowing that one day, you’ll see your sweet little furbaby again. In the meanwhile, God is caring for that little one.

And, just because I love showing off my furkids, here’s Fergus. Yes, that tail is orange tabby striped. No, it doesn’t look like it belongs on a white kitty. We are reasonably sure it held magical powers because everyone who saw Fergus fell in love with him.. lol

Losing A Narcissistic Parent

April 19, 2019 started quite the roller coaster for me.  It was the day the police knocked on my door at 10 p.m. to tell me that my mother was found deceased in her home.  I had no idea that this event would turn my life into something barely recognizable.

A couple of days later, I found my mother’s will, which is when I learned she not only left everything to me, but I also was to be her personal representative.  I can’t express the shock I felt at learning this completely unexpected turn of events!  I never expected to get any inheritance from her, let alone be her PR.  Oddly though, it has done me a lot of good.

Personal representatives have a lot of responsibility & many details to attend to.  As someone with a brain injury & C-PTSD which has given me crippling anxiety, I didn’t think I could do any of this, even with the help of my attorney.  But you know what?  I have!  In fact, I’ve done a pretty good job at everything, including dealing with unexpected problems.

The emotional aspect has been incredibly difficult, too.  Losing a parent is terrible for anyone, but add in the narcissistic element & it’s also complicated & confusing.  I went into shock the night the police gave me the death notification, & it lasted for several months.  Most of the time, I haven’t known what I felt.  My moods would swing drastically & I had no clue why.

In spite of these very challenging things, not only have I survived, I’ve thrived.  I believe it is all because of God.

The night of the death notification, I prayed probably the shortest prayer I’ve ever prayed.  I simply asked God to help me & has He ever!

While making funeral arrangements, the funeral director mentioned he too is a Christian.  He said he felt strongly that God wanted me to know that my mother is with Him, & everything is going to be ok, just trust Him.  I know beyond any doubt that those things are true, too.

Since her passing, God has told me things that she wanted me to know.  One thing was especially interesting.  A few years before my mother’s death, she gave me a wind chime with dragonflies on it, saying she thought I would like it.  It’s very pretty so yes I do!  While visiting her grave shortly after her death, there were a lot of dragonflies buzzing around me.  I suddenly got this strong feeling that my mother wanted me to think about what dragonflies symbolize when I see them & be comforted by that.  I began to ask God if that was right, please give me a sign.  About halfway through that prayer, the biggest one yet flew right in front of me!  I researched the symbolism of dragonflies when I got home.  Common thoughts are they symbolize hope, maturity, change, love, prosperity, & peace.  Seeing them now does give me comfort, & I see them at unusual times, not only during the spring & summer months.

Also, I’d decided almost immediately to give my mother’s car to a friend’s son who was going to get his drivers license in a few months.  Shortly after, I began to have second thoughts.  When praying about it one day, God told me very clearly, “Your mother wants you to have & enjoy her car.”  This car is definitely not my usual taste at all, but I have come to enjoy driving it.  And, my friend’s son?  He said he didn’t want me to have to hang onto the car waiting on him, so I should keep it.

Among all these rather strange events, I am happy to report that my anxiety levels are MUCH better than they were prior to my mother’s death.  It still is there, but not in the crippling capacity it once was.

My point of sharing all of this with you, Dear Reader?  I want to encourage you.  If your narcissistic parent dies before you, it’ll be tough.  But, with God, you’ll be able to get through it.  You’ll come out so much stronger & be so much closer to God than ever.  It may be the most difficult time of your life, but it will be worth it in the end if you just stay close to the Father.  ❤

About Guilt After The Death Of A Narcissistic Parent

When Someone You Know Is Suffering

 

Some Thoughts About Grief

Two years ago today, my father passed away.  Naturally, the date has me thinking a lot.  I tend to overthink anyway so no big surprise there.. lol

One thing that came to mind is a poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye that my father liked….

“Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave bereft

I am not there. I have not left.”

Lovely, isn’t it?  It offers a great reminder that when someone we love has passed away, there are still things surrounding us that help us remember that person.  For example, when I see  butterflies, I think of my granddad, & monarch butterflies remind me of my father’s miraculous salvation at the end of his life.  They always make me smile.

When the person who died is a narcissist, it’s certainly understandable if you don’t want reminders of that person.  I understand completely, as sometimes reminders of my late parents are hard for me to handle.  However, if you have lost someone you love, those reminders can offer a great comfort.  They remind you that you can see your loved one again someday or of some good times you shared.

I’ve also come to realize that items hold energy.  I don’t mean things can be haunted like in scary old ghost stories.  What I mean is items that were particularly close to someone seem to hold a bit of that person’s “vibe” if you will.  For example, I have some of my paternal grandmother’s jewelry.  I love wearing it!  It brings me comfort, reminds me of her or good times we shared.  It’s as if I carry a bit of her essence with me when I wear it.

There also is a negative side to this.  If the person whose item you have was abusive, the item can make you feel bad.  I tried wearing some jewelry belonging to my narcissistic maternal grandmother.  It was pretty, I like pretty jewelry, so it seemed natural for me to wear it.  I quickly realized it didn’t feel right.  It also made me feel as if I carried a bit of her essence with me, but the problem was, unlike my other grandmother, she was cruel!  That wasn’t the vibe I wanted, so I stopped wearing her jewelry, pretty or not.

Considering all of this, I’ve come to believe that one thing that can help a person can get through grieving the loss of a loved one is having something of their deceased loved one’s.  I’ve also come to believe that if the person who passed away was a narcissist, it may help the person grieving to avoid their possessions.  It really depends on the relationship between the two parties involved.

I’m also not saying you have to cling to or avoid the deceased person’s item forever.  What I am saying is that I believe that it can be helpful when the death is recent & grief is at its most difficult place.  Since my father has been gone a while, now I can handle being around his possessions much easier than I could at first.

Grief is very hard & very painful, whether the person lost is someone you loved or a narcissist.  I sincerely hope this post gives you another helpful way to cope.  xoxo

Guilt After A Narcissistic Parent Dies

Losing someone you love is incredibly painful & difficult, but when that person is your narcissistic parent, it’s also incredibly complex.  Part of the complexity involves a lot of guilt.  If you have lost a narcissistic parent, I’m sure you experienced it too.  If you haven’t yet, you need to be prepared & know that it may happen with you, too.

The last time I spoke to my mother was May 5, 2016 when we had a huge argument.  We hadn’t spoken in almost exactly 3 years when she passed away.  Since she died, I’ve learned that her final years weren’t good.  Apparently my mother’s health declined quickly.  I noticed her handwriting became very shaky after our argument.  I realized through her car’s maintenance records that she must have stopped driving in 2017 not long before my father died & found a fairly big dent in her car.  Probably that was why she stopped driving – she realized she wasn’t as capable behind the wheel any longer.  Clearly she also was very depressed.  One friend of hers told me that my mother said that her cat was the only reason she wanted to live.  Also when she died & I first started to care for the estate matters, her house was in a bad state because she was unable to clean it like she once had.

All of these things have led to me feeling a tremendous amount of guilt.  Since I’m positive my situation isn’t terribly unique, I thought I would share ways I have learned to help ease that guilt.

I am truly blessed with having the most amazing best friend ever.  She reminds me constantly that there is a natural order of things & people reap what they sow.  My parents were abusive, which is why I went no contact.  I wasn’t trying to be a jerk, contrary to what my family believes, I was only trying to protect myself.  That is why every functional goes no contact, & that isn’t a bad thing.  If you too went no contact with your abusive parent prior to their death, you did nothing wrong just like me.  It was simply the natural order of things!  If they wouldn’t have been abusive, you wouldn’t have been forced into going no contact.

What happens after no contact isn’t your responsibility, & you need to remind yourself of that constantly as do I.  It’s so hard not to feel guilty in these situations when you learn your narcissistic parent suffered after you were no longer in his or her life.  I feel like I should’ve been there for them & taken care of them.  If only I could’ve stuck it out for another couple of years, I’ve said to myself.  Guessing you feel much the same way.  If so, remember, you severed those ties for very valid reasons.  Probably many very valid reasons in fact.  You did nothing wrong!  Whatever happened after you went no contact is NOT your fault or responsibility.  Besides, maybe there was a reason God wanted things to happen as they did.  Me not being in my father’s life is why he turned to God at the very end of his life!  How incredible is that?!  Maybe that is what happened with my mother too, I’m not sure.  All I know is she is in Heaven & that is a huge comfort!  Anyway, ask God what the purpose was in you being no contact with your parent at the time of his or her death.  He will answer that question.

Sometimes people may say cruel things about you not being there for your parent, making you feel worse.  Remember that those people don’t know everything about the situation, which means they aren’t fit to judge it.

I know guilt after a narcissistic parent is very hard to handle.  If & when you experience it, I hope you’ll remember this post.  You have nothing to feel guilty about.  You did the best you could in an impossible situation.

What Is Happening Since My Mother’s Death, part 2

What Is Happening Since My Mother’s Death, part 1

What’s Been Happening Since My Mother’s Death

I thought I’d share some things that have been happening since my mother’s death in April in the hopes someone reading this can glean some useful information from it.  I’m going to make this post into a YouTube video (well, probably a 2 part one) in the near future since not everyone who follows me on YouTube reads my blog (& vice versa).

It’s been such a strange, strange time to say the least.  God has been blessing me big time by enabling me to take care of everything I need to do.  I was able to bring my parents’ cat home without having to trap her & add to her trauma.  She’s still learning that this new home is a safe & loving one.  He’s given me the ability to figure out just what my parents would want done with their belongings, too.  He even got me through the horrific day of my mother’s burial.  As if burying her wasn’t enough to deal with that day, the cemetery made a huge mistake.  Long story short, they had to exhume my father & rebury him in the plot beside where he was before they could bury my mother.  On top of that, one of my cousins showed up at the burial solely for the purpose of attacking me, & refused to leave.  She was the one who was the cruelest to me when my father was dying.  Not a pleasant day, but I got through it & everything else surprisingly well, thanks to God carrying me.

In spite of the blessings, it’s still been hard.

The death of a narcissistic parent is bizarre.  Normally when someone you love dies, you miss them terribly & it’s incredibly painful.   Very hard of course, but it’s not complex.  Not so with a narcissistic parent.  There is the sadness of course, but not always because you miss them.  It can be because you miss not having a healthy relationship with your parent, because your parent stole your childhood or because your parent went to their death never admitting any wrong doing.

There’s also the relief & freedom you suddenly feel knowing that you are finally free from your parent’s abuse.  It’s such a wonderful feeling!  At least it is until the guilt for feeling that way kicks in.  Even when you know that your feelings are totally normal, most people still feel some degree of guilt.

In some cases, like mine, your narcissistic parent dies alone because you are no contact.  I hadn’t spoken with my mother for almost 3 years to the day when she died.  The theory is my mother died on her birthday & 3 days later is when the police performed the wellness check & found her.  I can’t describe the guilt I feel for this.  Yet, I know beyond a doubt I couldn’t have maintained the relationship any longer with her or my father for that matter.  I also know it was for the best for my parents that I wasn’t in their lives.  That is what finally got my father to turn to God for the first time.  It may have worked for my mother that way, too, but I’m not sure yet.  Even knowing such things, there is still guilt.  My mother died alone in a filthy house with very little food because she had only limited help.  How can I not feel some guilt for this?  Anyone with any compassion would.

Even knowing such things, the guilt is powerful.  If you end up in a similar situation, Dear Reader, please be forewarned of this.  Understand that feeling guilt is very normal & understandable, but that doesn’t mean it is right.

There is also the matter of going through my parents’ home.  I had to find financial information such as bills, bank accounts & investments.  I also have been trying to sort out things to send to various relatives.  While it’s just stuff, it’s stuff that can bring back a lot of memories, good & bad.  Being inundated with memories is so hard!

It’s also strange going through my folks’ home.  My parents were no different than other narcissistic parents in that they kept secrets.  I’m discovering some of those secrets, which makes an already challenging task even more challenging.  I’m learning more about my parents than I felt prepared to.

I think what I’m learning from this entire experience is this…

Like I said when my father died, you simply can’t be fully prepared for the death of a narcissistic parent.  You can learn all you can & pray, but still, you won’t be fully prepared.  What you learn & your prayers can help you a lot, but don’t expect to be 100% prepared.  Your emotions are going to be all over the place.  You’ll experience hurt, anger, disappointment, relief, grief & more.  Or, you may be numb.  Or, you may bounce back & forth between overly emotional & numb. In any case, you’re going to be very surprised by all that you experience, & there isn’t any amount of preparation that can stop that from happening.

If you’re the one chosen to be the personal representative or at least to clean out your parents’ home, it’s going to be brutally hard on you.  Seeing their possessions will trigger lots of memories, probably good as well as bad.  When you have PTSD or C-PTSD, this is especially difficult to deal with since it also can trigger flashbacks or intrusive thoughts.

Going through anyone’s personal belongings also shows you a great deal about who that person is.  Much more than you can learn by being in a relationship with them or even living with them.  I learned that my parents wrote down a lot, including things like how miserable they were with each other.  That was not new to me but seeing their most intimate thoughts in writing about such a topic is pretty difficult to say the least.  Since it’s too much for me to handle, when I find anything in my parents’ handwriting, I glance at it to see what it’s about.  If it’s one of those “I’m miserable with you” papers, I put it aside without reading further. You are going to learn things you wish you’d never learned about your parents like I have.  While you can’t be prepared for what you learn, you can be prepared in the sense you know you will learn painful things.   You also have the right to protect your mental health like I’m doing.  Put things aside until you feel equipped to deal with them.  Or, have someone safe that you can trust to go through such things for you.

If you are the one responsible for writing the obituary, you can always ask the funeral director to do that if you aren’t up to it.  The one who took care of my mother did her obituary & it turned out wonderfully.  Not overly gushy, just simple & nice.  Some folks in such situations write honest obituaries, detailing some of the abuse their parent inflicted on them.  It seems to be quite therapeutic for them.  That may be another option for you.

Whether or not your parent had a will, chances are excellent that it’ll take quite a bit of time to get their estate settled.  While that can be a challenge, having this situation hanging over your head for what feels like forever, it’s also a good thing in a way.  This means there is no rush to sort through their things.  Take your time.  Take frequent breaks too.  You’ll need those breaks for the sake of your mental health.

You’ll also find out most people have no idea what to say or how to deal with you after the death of your narcissistic parent.  If you had a good relationship with your parents, they would send sympathy cards & say the usual, “sorry for your loss” type comments.  Since you didn’t, many people won’t know what to say or do.  This may make some folks avoid you.  If they don’t avoid you, they may avoid talking about your parent in any context or they say things that hurt you even though they don’t mean to.  It will hurt & disappoint you, even when you know that wasn’t their intention.  After someone close to you dies, no matter the relationship, many people are rather emotionally raw for a while.  This means you’ll be oversensitive, & hurt much easier than you normally would be, which is why their comments hurt you.

Most importantly, lean on God as much as humanly possible!  You are going to need His love, strength & support more than you ever expected to.  He will carry you through this!

More About The Death Of My Mother

I’m really exhausted as I write this post, so I’ll just apologize in advance if it’s a bit hard to follow.

The time since my mother was found dead on April 19th has been pretty bizarre to say the least.  I still feel like I’m functioning in a state of shock, but it’s dissipating some anyway.  God’s enabling me to get through it all & do what I need to do, which is a miracle in itself.

Today (I’m writing this on Saturday), has been a tough day.  I found a note from one of my mother’s relatives from about a year ago.  Apparently my mother wanted advice & this person wrote back about how she felt about the situation & what she thought should happen.  Ugh..the narcissism!  This shouldn’t be surprising since she also called me when my father was dying & let my phone ring for 10 minutes straight one evening, which is why I blocked her number as soon as my phone stopped ringing.  Anyway apparently my mother had asked this person for advice & that was her purpose of writing the letter to my mother.  In it, she mentioned something about how she needed to get a lawyer because “you know Cyndi won’t help you.”  As I read it, I  somehow could feel the hate for me coming off the page.  Not a nice feeling to say the least.  Truly what this person thinks of me means nothing to me but it did get me thinking about something that made me mad.

My father stopped speaking to his father a year or two before he died.  It was over some changes Granddad made to his will.  My father didn’t even attend his funeral.  Not one single person said a peep about this.  Not.  One.  Yet, I stopped speaking to my parents & relatives lost their minds, like the one who showed up at my mother’s burial to give me grief.  Why?!  How does any of this make any sense?!  My father & his had a difference of opinion & no contact was fine.  My parents were detrimental to my physical & mental health yet I’m supposedly wrong for protecting myself from that.  UGH!

I’ve also been going through paperwork trying to find the information I need to take to my mother’s attorney soon.  I have found a LOT of stuff, & not just what I need.

My mother wrote out pretty much everything.  To do lists, notes about broken things that she had repaired & more.   I found some letters she wrote to my father, telling him how miserable she was.  (I have yet to read them other than enough to let me know what the paper was.  It feels too personal & not my business.)  She wrote out her feelings when she was 40 years old about how awful her life was & how she had no idea what to do about it.  Heartbreaking!  After finding that, I found a list of things she wrote that she had to do after her mother died.  In it, she mentioned how she “had to give me money from her inheritance.”  She didn’t sound amused.  Well, the reason she had to do this was because I’d found evidence that she stole my inheritance.  I threatened to go to the police unless I got my money.  I also found out she made a rather significant investment without my father’s knowledge several years ago.  Today, I found a text on one of her old cell phones from someone I don’t know who told my mother to stop calling her as they had nothing to talk about.

Things like this have been such an emotional roller coaster!  I feel sorry for my mother, then get mad at her, feel confused because I apparently knew little about her.  Often I feel these things within the span of only a few minutes.

Aside from venting, I do have a point in sharing this.

Dealing with the death of a narcissistic parent is incredibly difficult.  It’s challenging, confusing & complicated.  But, if you are in the position that I am of having to settle that parents’ estate, it gets even more challenging, & I don’t just mean the legal & financial aspects of it.

Whatever your relationship with your narcissistic parent, when that parent dies, I would guess you’ll find out you didn’t really know your parent at all, as I have.  That can set off confusing & conflicting emotions.  I keep feeling angry.  It seems my mother had good qualities, but I wasn’t fortunate enough to see them.  Why??  That makes me angry because it’s utterly unfair.

I also realized apparently my parents were proud of me to some degree.  I truly had no idea.  If this happens to you, I’d bet you’ll feel the way I have about it.  I wonder why they didn’t tell me & it hurt me that they didn’t.

The death of a narcissistic parent also shows you who your friends really are & aren’t.  I am blessed with wonderful friends who understand how awkward & painful the situation is.  But, there are also others who think I’m the scourge of the earth for not having a relationship with my parents, such as the awful relative who showed up unexpectedly at my mother’s burial solely to harass me.  The bad ones aren’t entirely unavoidable, unfortunately, so you most likely will have to deal with at least one or two at some point.  Remember to avoid these people.  Walk away, hang up the phone, block their phone number & email.  Heartless people like this thoroughly enjoy kicking a person while they’re down, & you do NOT need their abuse on top of everything else.

And lastly, Dear Reader, remember that no matter what, you can’t be fully prepared to deal with the death of your narcissistic parent.  You can try your best to be & learn all you can, but even so, there are going to be surprises along the way.  When things get hard, remember to turn to God.  Let Him strengthen you & comfort you.  He will get you through this as He is doing for me!  xoxo

My Mother Has Died

When A Pet Dies

Since so many of you who follow my work are also animal lovers, I thought I would take one of my periodic rides off the topic of narcissism to talk about animals.

On this day in 2007, my first cat, Magic, died, & this post is my way to honor him.  He died quietly in my arms after living with heart problems for 3 years.  I wondered sometimes after he died if his death was going to kill me.  He was my furry soulmate & best friend.  I went through life on auto pilot for quite some time after his death.  Yes, I was glad Magic was healthy again & with God, but even that didn’t console me.  I wanted my special guy back & knowing that wasn’t going to happen was incredibly painful & hard to accept.

My feelings & experiences aren’t unique.  Many animal lovers suffer greatly when their beloved pet dies.  I have some suggestions to help you get through that awful time.

Accept that you never will “get over” losing your baby.  Instead, you need to adapt to a new life without your loved one.  There is no easy way to do this.  Take it one step at a time.

Grief takes time, so don’t rush yourself or berate yourself for not “being over” it yet.  The more you try to rush the grief process, the longer it will end up taking.

Cry.  Admittedly, that sounds like common sense, but often a reminder is necessary.  You just lost someone you love dearly, & need to cry.  There is absolutely no shame in this!

When reminders of your lost one happen, feel your grief at that time rather than ignore it.  Yes, it’s hard when it suddenly hits you that this is the usual time you gave your baby his medicine & now you don’t have to do it, but ignoring that sadness only hurts you more.  Feeling the pain enables you to process it.

Be careful who you talk to about your experiences & pain.  Not everyone feels the same way you do about animals.  This means that whether intentional or not, some people can say insensitive & invalidating comments.  They will hurt worse when you’re already hurting, so use wisdom on who you talk to.

Don’t rush out & adopt a new pet immediately.  Adopting another pet may be just what you need to help you get through your grief.  Or, it may be a painful reminder that your loved one is no longer with you.  Some people adopt another pet who resembles the one who recently passed, unconsciously expecting the new pet to act like the old one, then are disappointed when that doesn’t happen.  If you wish to honor your departed one by adopting another pet, seriously think about it first.  Then only adopt another if you feel strongly in your heart it is a good move for you at the time.

If you don’t journal, now may be the perfect time to start.  Write out your feelings.  Write about your memories of good times shared with your pet.  It will help you to write these things out.

Create some type of memorial to your pet.  Make a small garden at your pet’s grave.  Or, start a scrapbook of pictures of your pet, preferably including plenty of you two together.  If you make jewelry, you can make an item that reminds you of your pet.  You can include a picture, a tuft of fur or some of your pet’s cremated ashes in a tiny urn.

Most importantly, talk to God.  I have asked Him for comfort, to help me accept my loss & even to tell my departed loved ones that I love & miss them.  Not once has He said no or I shouldn’t do this, so I assume that means it’s ok.  And, many times after asking that, I have had dreams about my loved ones.  I don’t believe that the dead can technically enter our dreams, but I do believe that God gives us dreams about them when we need them.  Maybe they ask Him to make that happen, I’m unsure, but in any case, those dreams can be very comforting & wonderful.

Although it may not seem like it right after losing your beloved pet, you will survive.  In time, you will smile instead of cry once again when you think of your loved one.  xoxo

Unconventional Grief

Most people assume there is only one type of grief, the grief that happens when someone you love dies, but there are other types as well.

People also can grieve when they move, get a divorce or lose a job.  There is also something known as anticipatory grief, which happens when you know someone is dying.  This is especially common in families where someone is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s due to how this terrible disease destroys a person’s personality before it destroys their body.

Unconventional grief is different.  It is grief that is triggered by unique circumstances.  I experienced it when learning about the many new limitations because of how damaged my brain was after surviving Carbon Monoxide Poisoning.  It also can happen when someone is diagnosed with mental illness or when a loved one has a substance abuse problem.  Unconventional grief also can happen as a result of trauma & abuse.

When you grow up with a narcissistic parent or two, & you finally learn about narcissism, although it is a great thing, it can trigger grief.  Suddenly you realize that you aren’t the problem, which is certainly good news of course, but realizing what your parent was is difficult  & painful to accept.  It hurts that the one person who was supposed to love you unconditionally didn’t, & lacks the ability to do so.  You also realize how much your parent took from you, such as your childhood & self-esteem.  And, it suddenly hits you that there is no hope for your relationship.  Prior to learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, most people have some hope that one day their parent will realize what she did, apologize & change for the better.  Learning about NPD squelches that hope completely.  That is a tough pill to swallow!

Facing these ugly truths absolutely can cause a person to grieve, & it’s extremely painful.  It’s also difficult to understand because of the limited view of grief that most people have.  How can you grieve when the person in question is still alive?!  Well, it’s surprisingly easy to do actually.

When my father died in October, 2017, I didn’t cry.  I cry easily especially when losing someone I love, but I didn’t cry.   I barely have felt sad at all since he’s been gone.  No doubt any of my family that may be reading this thinks it’s because I’m a cold, evil person, but that isn’t the case.  It’s because I grieved him enough when he was alive that his death didn’t have a very profound effect on me.  And you know something?  Many other adult children of narcissistic parents I’ve spoken with have said that they felt the same exact thing when their parent died.

Unconventional grief can be incredibly difficult, but you can get through it.

Pray & pray often.  You will need the wisdom, guidance & comfort of God to get through this.

Don’t judge your emotions.  Accept them.  Examine them without judgement or criticism.  Feel them.  Pray, talk or write about them to cope with them.

Anger is an especially common part of this sort of grief.  If you feel a lot of anger, it’s normal!  I know, you probably grew up like most of us with narcissistic parents did, believing you aren’t allowed to be angry.  Stop that now!  Why are you angry?  Face it head on & deal with your feelings.  The pain will lose its power over you if you face it.

You also may start to remember only the good times.  They are good to remember, but don’t forget the bad as well.  Embrace the good & heal from the bad.

Write in a journal.  Writing is very cathartic, plus it will help you to have documentation.  You may even decide that you enjoy writing, & opt to start a blog or write a book.

Find online support groups & websites.  Learning that others are experiencing similar things to you is very helpful.

Don’t expect this grief to end entirely.  It will get better, but it may never end entirely. It’s like losing a loved one- you grieve most right after the person died, but even many years later, the pain is still there, just not as intense as it was at first.

If you’re experiencing unconventional grief, Dear Reader, know you aren’t alone.  You can survive this!  It will take hard work & won’t be easy, but you can do it!

Grieving Doesn’t End Once A Funeral Is Done

Something crossed my mind recently, I’m sure it’s due  to my father in-law’s recent death:  Grief doesn’t end just because the funeral is over.

I think many people act like once your loved one is buried or cremated, you’re done grieving.  It’s done now so you should be ready to resume your life as it was, no problem.  Nothing could be further from the truth!

Grief has no set time.  It doesn’t end just because the funeral is done, because a set amount of time has passed, or because people think you should be “over it” by now.

There’s also the fact that the first year after a loved one dies is incredibly hard.  You have their first birthday without them, first anniversary, first holidays…  those days can be extremely difficult, but especially the first ones.

In fact, I don’t think grief ever ends completely, it only becomes less intense over time.  My great grandmother that I adored died in 1982, & I still miss her a great deal to this day.  No, I don’t cry all the time, but I still miss her & think of her often.  If you love someone, that is just how things happen.

And if you lost a pet rather than a human, people can be even more insensitive, because after all, “It’s only a cat/dog/bird/etc!” they say.  They fail to realize that pets are a big part of our daily lives.  We love them, care for them, play with them, nurture them & when they get old &./or sick, we become their caregivers.  Such things can form an incredible bond, & when that bond is broken, it hurts just as much if not more than when a human passes away.

If you have lost someone you love recently, please ignore people who try to tell you that you should be over it already, are taking too long to grieve or “It’s just a pet!”.  It’s not their business!  You take your time & grieve however you need to for as much time as you need to.  Honor your loved one’s life, too.  Maybe plant a garden they would like, or make or build something creative like they would have made.  It really does help!

If you have been actively grieving for a long time (over a year), & it disrupts your life, I really would like to suggest you try grief counseling.  Sometimes, people kinda get “stuck” & there is no shame in it.  It happens!  It just means you need a little help to get unstuck.

Grief After Narcissistic Abuse

A Bump In The Road Of Healing

When you grow up with narcissistic parents, it affects you deeply & in ways you aren’t even aware of.  The chaos, abuse & manipulations are simply normal to you.  Thank God He teaches us about Narcissistic Personality Disorder so we can get away from that dysfunction!

 

As you learn about narcissistic abuse & heal from it, naturally you change a great deal.  While becoming healthier, you see things differently.  You finally understand just how wrong so many things your parents taught you were.  It’s empowering, this learning & growing, but something comes along with it that can be difficult.  Constant reminders.

 

Some time ago, I realized that it seemed like everything reminded me of something awful about my relationship with my parents.  For example, after becoming deathly sick in 2015, seeing families rallying around a sick family member can bring me to tears.  I never told my parents what happened, because I know they would turn the situation back to them rather than care how I was, & it hurts!  Reminders that others have loving parents brings that awful thought back to the forefront of my mind, & depresses me.  Other times, I’ve seen reports on TV about a murdered person, & their grieving loved ones talk tearfully about what a wonderful person he or she was.  I know if I died, my parents wouldn’t miss me in the least, but instead would enjoy the narcissistic supply they could get by portraying themselves as the grieving parents.

 

These things began to happen after I got sick in 2015.  I chalked it up to the head injury & carbon monoxide poisoning I received at the time since both are known for changing a person’s personality.  Somehow that didn’t feel right though.  I prayed & God showed me what was happening.

 

The more a person heals from parental narcissistic abuse, the less they see things through the fog of gaslighting thrust on them.  The clarity means they understand how things should be, not as their narcissistic parents say they are.  Seeing healthy, normal situations is simply a reminder of how things were not when they were growing up.  Unfortunately the reminders can hurt a great deal.

 

Realizing your parents are narcissists is a painful experience, partly because of the grief that is involved.  You grieve the fact your parents never loved you, weren’t & will never be there for you, & even can’t be the kind of parents you would like them to be.  (I personally believe this is a lifelong grief, although it gets easier over time.)  It’s much like when someone you love dies- the initial grief can be debilitating, but in time it mellows to something more tolerable, only occasionally bringing you to tears when something reminds you of your loved one.  I remember right after my granddad died.. one day my husband & I ended up following a car that looked identical to his.  I cried because seeing that car made me miss him.  Almost 14 years later, I still shed some tears if I see a car like his last one or even vaguely like it.  Seeing something that reminds you of what your parents did or didn’t do for you can be like that- a sad & painful reminder.

 

If you are experiencing something like this, then Dear Reader, know you aren’t alone & you aren’t broken. I know it’s frustrating & painful, but I firmly believe it’s completely normal under the circumstances.  All you can do is understand these things happen, be gentle with yourself when they do & pray, pray, pray!  God will help you to get through!  Let Him do that for you!  xoxo

When You Lose Someone You Love

On the day I’m writing this post, it’s been 3 years since losing my precious kitty baby, Georgie.  Naturally, he’s been on my mind a lot today.  He was quite the character- feisty, liked to tease other kitties mercilessly, highly intelligent, loving, caring & protective of his brother, Pretty Boy, especially after Pretty Boy’s diagnosis of diabetes in 2011.

 

Georgie died suddenly on April 16, 2014.  I still have no clue why.. he obviously passed in his sleep, thankfully, so it was peaceful at least.  Yet, no warning anything was wrong made losing him especially hard.

 

Shortly after his passing, I was still in shock & grieving terribly.  As usual when grieving, I talked to God about how badly it hurt.  He told me to listen to a certain song & said, “Georgie wants you to know he thinks of you when he hears this song.  It’s your & Georgie’s song now.”  The song was Steelheart’s “Angel Eyes” from 1990.  A song I’ve always loved, but thanks to Georgie love even more since his passing.

 

I know, this sounds odd.. yet, this type of thing has happened after losing several of my kitties over the years.  When Bubba died in 2001, I was sure I was going to die too, when  Lynyrd Skynryd’s “Freebird” became our song.  Magic’s & my song is  Wynonna’s “You Were Loved.”  “When Jasmine passed, it was Aerosmith’s “Angel.”  Vincent’s & my song is “Someday We’ll Be Together.”

 

You get the idea.

 

Since so many of you who read my work are also avid animal lovers, I’m hoping this post offers you comfort.  I never knew this type of thing would help me survive losing my precious furkids, but God did.  Asking Him for comfort turned into receiving the only thing that could help me, aside from having my furbaby back.

If God did it for me, He can do it for you as well.

 

Dear Reader, if you’re missing a precious loved one, be they furry or human, I would like to urge you to cry out to God.  Ask Him for comfort.  He will not disappoint!  He may give you songs like He has me, or maybe not.  It depends on what comforts you most,  I believe.  In any case, trust that He wants to help you & then wait for the blessing to come your way.  It will greatly surpass your expectations, that I promise you!

 

This is Georgie (left) & his brother, Pretty Boy in around 2005.  My two handsome, wonderful brothers.  🙂  Georgie’s & my song lyrics are below the picture if you’d like to read them.

Angel Eyes, by Steelheart

“Angel eyes, you have angel eyes, such a smile that lights up my life
You’re a dream come true, now I’m holding you
And I’ll never, never let you go, I will never let you go!

First time I laid my eyes upon you, all my dreams were answered
First time I kissed your tender lips, my love to you I surrendered

I’ll never let you go, you’re always on my mind
You’re the only one for me, you’re all I need
And I’ll never, never let you go

Angel eyes, my heart relies on the love you give to me
You never let me down, you’re always by my side
And I’ll never, never let you go, I will never let you go!

When my heart starts to crumble and the tears start to fall
You hold me close with tender lovin’, and give me strength to carry on

I’ll never let you go, you’re always on my mind
You’re the only one for me, you’re all I need
And I’ll never, never let you go

I’ll never let you go, you’re always on my mind
You’re the only one for me, you’re all I need
And I’ll never, never let you go

And I’ll never, never let you go.”

What Not To Say When Someone Is Grieving

A friend & I were talking recently about some of the dumb things people say to someone who is grieving.

 

• “He’s in a better place.” (And knowing this negates my pain how exactly??)
• “You should be glad she’s not suffering anymore.”  (I am glad, but I still miss her!)
• “I know just how you feel.”  (No, you don’t.  You aren’t me.  We feel things differently)
• (in cases of pet loss) “It was just a cat/dog/bird/etc.”  (To you, but to me, that was my baby!)
• Or, simply acting like since their loved one has been buried or cremated, they should be ready to on with their lives since it’s “done”.  The funeral marks the beginning of learning to leave without your loved one.  Personally, I feel “in limbo” until the funeral or cremation is done.  Once that happens, my grief really begins.

 

Comments like these may not sound so bad, but they can be hurtful when you’re in the early stages of grief.

 

The simple fact is people don’t know what to say in this situation.  Nothing sounds “right”, so many people say something unintentionally hurtful rather than saying nothing.

 

If you know someone who has recently lost someone they love, please think before you speak.  What may comfort you may not comfort the other person.  Everyone grieves differently.  Plus, there are various stages of grief, & what may comfort someone at one stage may not at another stage.  For example, knowing I’ll see my loved one again one day does NOT comfort me immediately after losing that person or pet.  I call it the selfish phase of grief, where I  just want them back with me because I miss them so much.  Some time later, knowing we’ll be reunited one day is a great comfort.

 

It seems to me there are only a few safe things to say to someone who is grieving.

 

• “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
• “Is there anything I can do for you?”
• “If you want to talk, I’m here for you anytime.”

 

Please consider your words wisely when someone you know has lost a loved one.  You have the ability to help them or hurt them, so please, choose to help them.

Grief

As I wrote about earlier today, our little family became a bit smaller recently with the sudden loss of our cat, Pretty Boy.  Losing a furbaby is absolutely the worst part of having pets.  It feels like my heart has been ripped out, to tell the truth.  Not only because of my personal loss, but watching my husband & the other furbabies grieve is so incredibly painful too.

 

Thankfully, I’m surrounded by friends who love animals as much as I do, or at the very least, understand how much I love them even if they are not avid animal lovers themselves.  They have been sending their condolences & praying for my little family, which is simply awesome.  I’m incredibly grateful for them!

 

Unfortunately, not every single person in my life is this kind.  My narcissistic parents come to mind.  As of the time of me writing this post, they don’t know about Pretty Boy, & I hope to keep it that way for a while.  The reason is they end up hurting me each time I lose a furbaby.  My mother has said things like the one who passed is better off dead than with me as his or her mom, “at least you don’t have any sick ones anymore”, repeated a story about losing her cat when she was 14 years old, or simply ignored my loss.  My father sort of tries to be comforting, but he has no idea how to.  He has no empathy.

 

When you’re grieving, whether it’s losing a human or furbaby, you are especially vulnerable to the cruelty of narcissists.  They know this, & that is why they attack at this awful time.

 

I want to remind you Dear Reader, & myself as well, that it is very important to protect yourself during such fragile times.  There is nothing wrong with keeping a distance from narcissists when you are grieving.  In fact, it is a wise thing to do to protect your mental health.

 

You owe them no explanation as to why you need time to yourself, either.  Just state that you need some time to yourself, & if they insist on calling, texting, visiting, etc., ignore them.  Don’t answer the phone or the door.  That is your right!  If later when you speak to them, they try to shame you for not answering their calls, etc., simply remind them you told them that you needed time to yourself & ignore the guilt trips!  Easier said than done, I know, but it can be done.  I’ve done it myself.  By calmly stating that fact & ignoring the guilt, the narcissist may get annoyed, but sees that the tactic isn’t working, so usually he or she abandons it.

 

Also, narcissists don’t understand what it’s like to grieve.  To grieve means you loved someone, which is something narcissists don’t do.  This may mean they try to invalidate your feelings or shame you for grieving.  Do not allow their poison to get inside you!!  Just because they are unable to love someone enough to grieve a loss doesn’t mean you are wrong for grieving.

 

When you are in the throes of grief, it is especially important to take good care of your mental health.  Do your best to rest often, do nurturing things that help you to feel better, eat healthy & avoid toxic people (especially narcissists).  You need to do these things so you can go through the painful grief process, & eventually learn to live without that special person or pet.

Grief Anniversaries

Tomorrow marks the thirteenth anniversary of my paternal Granddad’s passing.  Like every single year on May 31, I know I’ll be depressed & missing him more than usual.

 

Grief anniversaries are rough days, but I think they can be a good thing in a way as well.  They remind you of someone you dearly loved yet lost.  They gently push you to remember some good times, & the things you loved about that person.  As sad as May 31 always is for me, I also look forward to the day in a way because it gives me an excuse to remember the good times, like sitting around what is now my dining room table with Granddad, listening to him telling me stories of our family.  Or, going to our favorite little Italian place for lunch & chatting over a yummy meal.  I also remember how after his death, butterflies started appearing in my life, comforting me.  I also laugh how my talking teddy bear that he liked has started talking without me pushing the button since he passed, & I’m pretty sure he has something to do with my talking bear.  His way of saying hi.

 

Sometimes, too, the day reminds me of the viewing the day before & the funeral.  Those memories are extremely hard & all these years later, still make me cry.  But, sometimes tears can be a good thing.  They can be cleansing & healing.  They also are proof of having loved the departed one a great deal.  Loving someone is truly one of God’s most precious gifts.

 

I’ve also noticed grief anniversaries can be spontaneous.  The scent of your loved one’s cologne or perfume, the sound of his or her favorite music or even a sport he or she loved can be enough to bring you to tears for missing that person sometimes.  Even now, there are times I think, “I should call or email Granddad about this” or “I wish I could talk to him about this” & experience a renewed grief with the reminder I can’t talk to him anymore until I see him in Heaven one day.

 

I really believe these days are important to acknowledge.  They keep your loved one in your heart & mind, close to you, so he or she is never really gone.  That is why every May 31 & August 15 (his birthday) I remember my granddad.  I also remember days I’ve lost others I’ve loved- my grandmother, great-grandmother, & my furbabies.  They’re always close to me, always in my heart.

 

Stealing Your Grief

I coined this phrase, stealing grief, after losing my sweet kitty, Vincent.  Vincent had been my granddad’s cat, & a cousin took him after Granddad died.  Several years later, she asked me to baby sit him while she moved, then said I could keep him.  I was blessed to have him for just over 2 years when he passed away very suddenly & unexpectedly.  Losing him was especially hard for me, not only because he was an awesome cat, but he had been Granddad’s best friend.  I felt like I was losing a part of Granddad as well as losing Vincent.  The combined loss was devastating.

 

I told my father about losing Vincent a day or so after his death.  The following day, my mother called as I was not only grieving but in bed sick with the flu.  She told me my father told her about Vincent.  She also said how he was never happy with me- he was only happy with Granddad.  He was miserable in my home, according to her.  Between feeling very sick & grieving, I couldn’t even respond to what she said.  I just cried.  Her words hurt me to my core, even though I knew they weren’t true.  For a while, I was so hurt, I focused on that instead of grieving Vincent.  I felt my grief process had been stolen due to the hurt I felt from my mother’s hatefulness.

 

Prior to that incident, when losing cats, if my mother even acknowledged the loss, she told me that they were better off dead than with me as their mom or “oh well.. at least you don’t have any sick ones now.”  Each time her callous & evil words interrupted my natural grief process, leaving me wounded & hurting even more than usual because of being oversensitive due to grief.  I stopped telling my parents when we’ve lost furbabies because of this.

 

I realized that this was done purposely.  My mother, in typical narcissistic fashion, likes to hurt me, & when I’m already hurting, she is capable of hurting me much more deeply than usual.  She is opportunistic, kicking me when I’m down, as narcissists are.

 

I also realized that this isn’t simply another jab at me.  It’s incredibly disrespectful to my furbabies, because she is distracting me from the natural course of grieving the loss of a wonderful creature.

 

I know that grief isn’t fun.  In fact, it feels like hell on Earth when you’re going through it.  However, it’s also necessary if you are to process the pain of losing someone you love in a healthy manner.  It’s the price you pay for loving someone.  It shouldn’t be interrupted!  It should be allowed to run its course until you reach that place of acceptance that the one you love is gone, & you can begin to adapt to your new life without that person.

 

Interrupting grief drags the process out & makes it much harder than it already is.  It adds to & prolongs your suffering, which is no doubt what the narcissist enjoys so much.  Now your grief will take longer & be harder, plus she was able to dump more pain on you!  YAY!  Sick?  Oh yea.  But that’s how narcissists think.

 

I have learned the hard way that this has to stop.  I can’t make my parents stop trying to steal my grief, but I can continue grieving in a healthy way in spite of them.

 

When we lost our 16 year old tabby cat with an attitude, Weeble on May 2, a few days later, my parents & I got into a big argument.  I mentioned it in this post.  It was extremely hurtful, even though I’d been expecting a fight, just not quite this exact one.  In the heat of the fight, I told my father I couldn’t deal with this topic since I’d just lost Weeble.  I ended up telling him 2 things about that- please don’t tell my mother because I don’t need to hear her nastiness & I also need time to myself to grieve.  He disregarded this & called me non stop two days later, trying to bully me into answering the phone, because HE wanted to talk to me.  My wishes meant nothing apparently.  When I finally did talk to him, I told him again I need time to myself, leave me alone. This past Monday, my parents’ number showed up on my caller ID repeatedly.  Again.  UGH!  Wednesday night, my mother called & my husband talked to her since I wasn’t up to it.  Would be nice if they listened when I set boundaries.. sheesh.

 

Anyway, I’ve taken the time to mentally put his & my mother’s horrible behavior on the back burner.  I imagine putting them in a box, & putting it on a shelf, to deal with later, when I am able to.  For now, I’m focusing on my grief.  I’m grieving fully the loss of a beautiful, wonderful little girl who made my life better, which she deserves & I need to do.

 

If you too end up in this painful position with a narcissist, then please remember this!  Don’t let them steal your grief.  You need to take care of yourself during this fragile time.  If you need space, take it & without guilt.  If you must deal with your narcissistic parent(s), then try doing as I have- imagine putting her (them) in a box & placing it on a shelf, until you are able to deal with that pain.  I know that stuffing emotions is a bad thing, but this is different- it’s simply postponing dealing with them temporarily until you are more able to do so.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Animals Grieve Too

On this day in 2014, my husband & I lost one of our special cats, Georgie.  We adopted him & his brother, Pretty Boy, when they were only about 4 weeks old.  They were adorable tiny, fluffy black powder puffs, born to a stray living in a local lady’s yard.  She said she was going to have animal control take all of the cats later in the week.  Rather than let them take their chances at the shelter, we decided to adopt the brothers.  After all, we had lost 2 cats in a short time prior, & another one was dying from cancer- we knew she had very little time left.  Kittens always help to cheer us up (they’re so fun & silly!), these two were in need, black cats are the least likely to be adopted & also my personal favorites.  It seemed like everything was saying we needed to adopt these two precious little boys.

 

That was in 2002, & in the 12 years we had both boys, we had a lot of laughs, mostly because of Georgie.  He was mischievous & ornery, where his brother is much more serious.  In spite of their very different personalities, they were inseparable.  Georgie was always Pretty Boy’s protector- if another cat went to mess with Pretty Boy, Georgie intervened, even if the other cat only wanted to play.  When Pretty Boy was diagnosed with diabetes in 2011, Georgie was always there to comfort his brother, especially when he came home smelling like the world’s most horrible place, the vet’s office.

 

Then on April 16, 2014, I realized around 10:00 that I hadn’t seen Georgie since the previous night.  I texted my husband who said he hadn’t either.  I thought maybe Georgie sneaked outside (as he had a couple of times before), or was hiding somewhere napping. I searched the house & couldn’t find him.  He didn’t come when I called, which was very unusual.  In a panic, I asked my husband to come home & help me find him.  He found Georgie in our bedroom closet.  Apparently he passed away in his sleep, why we don’t know.

 

 

Pretty Boy was devastated, & as you may know, stress & emotions can play havoc with one’s blood glucose levels.  For a month, Pretty Boy’s already sensitive levels could jump 600 points or sink 600 points in a 12 hour period.  Thankfully, his glucose levels started to level out after about a month.  Pretty Boy has not been the same since losing his brother.  He became even more serious, but at least he has developed closer friendships with the other cats.

 

Losing a furbaby is excruciating for people, but we aren’t the only ones who suffer.  Their furry family suffers too.  Blood related or not, if you have more than one pet, chances are good that they are bonded to some degree.  Maybe they don’t show their love as openly as Georgie & Pretty Boy, but there is a bond there.   I have had 27 cats in my adult life, & have lost 17 to date, plus had 3 dogs & lost 2 of them.  I can tell you that the survivors always grieve.  Not all grieve as hard as my Pretty Boy did for his brother, but there was still a great deal of pain when others passed on.  I have seen it over & over

 

If you have lost a furbaby, please remember this!  I know you are suffering, but so are your surviving furbabies.  You need to help each other through the grief process.  It will help you both to get through & bond you even closer.

 

How do you help when you feel like you’re falling apart?  First, pray.  Ask God to help you to help your furbaby.  Pray for your furbaby- lay your hands on him or her & pray out loud.  I have yet to have one pet not like this.  They understand what you are doing, & they do appreciate it!  Mine certainly have.

 

Offer your surviving furbaby extra love.  Lots of snuggles & saying “I love you” truly help you both a great deal.  Don’t think animals don’t know what you’re saying, only the tone of voice- they understand exactly what you’re saying!  And, like humans, hearing a heart felt “I love you” is always welcomed, but especially when they are hurting.  This helps you too- when you receive snuggles in return, it helps to lift your spirits.

 

You can take your baby for a walk- not only dogs enjoy walks, but some cats do as well.  In fact, some cats enjoy walking with a harness & leash, believe it or not.  If your kitty isn’t a fan, they make pet strollers that safely protect your cat in a netted cage of sorts, allowing her to enjoy the fresh air & remain protected at the same time.

 

Playing is always a good bonding experience with your pet, & it helps to elevate both your moods.  I have yet to meet a dog who didn’t love a good game of fetch or tug of war.  Most cats enjoy cat nip, chasing a piece of string or rope & some even enjoy jingle bells or small crinkle balls.  The experience also helps to cheer you up because it’s such fun watching your furbaby have fun.

 

Losing a pet is a painful, horrible experience, but never forget, it also hurts your other pets.  They need you now more than ever, & you need them.