Tag Archives: smear campaign

When The Narcissist Learns You’re Telling Others About The Abuse

When you first start to open up about the abusive behavior the narcissist in your life has inflicted on you, it can be very hard.  You were told to keep everything a secret.  My mother used to tell me, “Don’t air our dirty laundry!” as a way to keep me quiet.  It didn’t work though.  At that time I was only 17, living through sheer hell due to her abuse & didn’t know what to do.  I told others in the hopes of finding someone who could give me advice on how to cope or make my mother treat me better.  Obviously that didn’t work.  I did learn about what happens when a victim starts to open up about narcissistic abuse though.

When you begin to divulge what the narcissist has done to you, the narcissist will be horrified.  After all, you’re not supposed to tell anyone anything!  The abuse is supposed to remain a secret between the two of you, no one else.  Naturally, the narcissist is going to be angry with you, because that is what they think.  They don’t think about the fact that you are a human being with feelings & needs & even the right to discuss your own life with whoever you wish.

The narcissist also is going to be very angry at you for making him or her look bad when you talk about the abuse.  Narcissists clearly don’t think like normal people, so they won’t consider their actions are what make them look bad.  Instead, they’ll lump all the blame on you for making them look bad.

Narcissists feel betrayed when victims tell others about their abhorrent behavior.  They all seem to think victims will tolerate their abuse indefinitely, never protesting it, & are shocked & horrified when that isn’t the case.  This so called betrayal can trigger their rage.

It also can trigger a myriad of unhealthy coping skills.  One of which is reinventing the past.  Many narcissists convince themselves that they are awesome people, & never would abuse anyone.  After my mother’s death, I learned she knew what I write about in spite of my efforts to prevent that from happening.  I also learned she must have convinced herself that I was lying & she didn’t do anything I said she did.

When the narcissist becomes enraged & acts in this way, it can be scary.  Some scream.  Some harass or stalk.  All engage in a smear campaign & are often successful at turning those you love against you or at least damaging some of your relationships.  This is a terribly painful place to be, I know.  It may even make you think you’re wrong for opening up.  Life seemed easier when no one knew what the narcissist did to you.  I can tell you something though.. although it may seem easier, it isn’t.

In some ways, not discussing the abuse is easier because the narcissist is appeased.  When they’re appeased, they aren’t ruining your relationships or at least your reputation.  No one is telling you what a terrible person you are.  But, you are unhappy.  You’re trying to do everything perfectly so as not to upset the narcissist, which means you’re under intense stress & utterly miserable.  Everyone is happy except you, & the people who are happy clearly have no concern for your mental health.

Tell your story.  John 8:32 says the truth will set you free.  Let it!  The more you discuss the abuse, the more you’ll heal.  If the narcissist doesn’t approve, that isn’t your problem.  Besides, think about this: if what he or she did was truly ok, if it was all your fault & their abusive actions were totally justified, why are they so determined to keep it a secret?

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Any Reaction Is Good As Far As Narcissists Are Concerned

Narcissists do their best to elicit reactions from their victims.  It doesn’t matter to them if the reaction is positive or negative, so long as it’s a strong reaction.

If you react positively to a narcissist, this provides narcissistic supply because it builds up their ego.  They see your reaction as proof that they are the awesome, amazing person they want people to think they are.  This means they will pursue you fervently in order to gain more of that precious supply you provide.

If you react negatively to a narcissist, this also provides narcissistic supply.  In the mind of the narcissist, it proves they are incredibly powerful.  After all, only a powerful person could elicit such a reaction, as far as they’re concerned.  Or, they can portray themselves as your victim, which is another great way for them to gain supply.  This situation also means they will pursue you fervently, because they want that narcissistic supply.

Narcissists really are experts at creating “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenarios, aren’t they?

As difficult as it seems, you need to avoid both scenarios.  The more narcissistic supply you provide, the more the narcissist will demand of you.  They will not hesitate to drain you of anything & everything you have- money, possessions, your time, energy, etc- to gain that supply.

To avoid providing a narcissist with supply, you need to stop reacting & start responding.

Reacting is that knee-jerk reaction, that thing that just happens automatically, without thinking.  Responding, however, happens after you take time to calm down & think.  Responding is what you need to do when dealing with a narcissist.

Responding isn’t nearly as easy to do as reacting, but it is possible, even when face to face with a narcissist.  To start with, pray.  Ask God for help responding & to keep your reactions in check.  You also can pray Psalm 19:14, “Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.” (KJV)

Remind yourself how important it is to stay calm.  Remembering why you need to behave this way can be helpful.  Also tell yourself that you can do this, you are well able to remain calm no matter what.   Remember Proverbs 23:7  “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:…” (KJV)  If you tell yourself such things, you will be able to do them.

Another trick I learned is to stop for a second & take a deep breath, then release it.  This act forces you to calm down because of the breathing.  It also gives you a second to think of a response or ask God for help.

If you are no longer in a relationship with the narcissist, & they are either harassing you (themselves or via flying monkeys) or creating a smear campaign, I still would urge you to remain calm.

If the narcissist is harassing you, block her every way possible- on social media, email, your phone- & ignore her completely no matter what.  If she sends you something via postal mail, before you do anything with it, pray.  Some narcissists see returning mail as contact, thus it provides them with supply, & encourages them to continue harassing you.  Others may not see it that way.  You need to pray about this before you accept or return their mail.  You also may need to get a restraining order (talk to a police officer in your area for more details).  In many cases, narcissists know about stalking laws & stay just barely legal.  This means you can’t get a restraining order since they haven’t broken the law.  Even if you can’t, document everything they do.  Save emails & texts.  Take screen shots.  Save voice mails.  And, save everything in a safe place, such as online storage, so you won’t lose it no matter what.  This way, if the narcissist does break the law at some point, you have evidence that their behavior has been awful for a long time.  This can help you with the legal system.

If flying monkeys are harassing you, also remain calm in their presence & respond, don’t react.  Any reaction on your part just proves to them that the narcissist is right about you & may encourage them to continue abusing you.  Change the subject.  Tell them you don’t wish to discuss the narcissist with them.  If they ignore your boundary, tell them this subject isn’t up for debate & if they continue, you will leave/hang up the phone.  Follow through on your threat.  If the flying monkeys approach in other ways such as via email, ignore the email.

If you’re the victim of a smear campaign, ignore it.  Let your true character shine.   I know it hurts when you hear the horrible lies being told about you, & when people you thought cared about you believe them, & I’m sorry for that.  Unfortunately, people are going to believe what they want to believe.  Some people are so determined to be right, they will ignore all evidence to the contrary.  Let them.  Smear campaigns, as painful as they are, are also a good way to find out who your true friends are.  True friends will question the person saying awful things about you & defend you.  Those people are gems that you should thank God for placing them in your life.

Lastly, you will need to release all the anger & hurt the narcissist has caused you once you are away from them or their flying monkeys.  Prayer is incredibly helpful.  Sometimes you may not feel like talking & journaling is a great way to cope during those times.  I think of my journal entries as talking to God in writing since He & I are the only ones who read my journal.  Talk to a safe friend or counselor.  When you’re able to release the negative emotions, be sure to let it all out.  I admit it- I’ve used awful language & called the narcissists in my life terrible names during those times, but it helped me to purge myself of all the awful feelings.  Not once have I felt God judged me for it either.  Not like He hasn’t heard those kinds of things before!

Whatever your situation with the narcissist in your life, Dear Reader, you can handle it.  I believe in you!  xoxo

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

November 28, 1990 Was A Day I Never Will Forget.. Even Though I’d Like To

This day is a difficult one for me.  On November 28, 1990, my mother physically assaulted me.

It was the day before Thanksgiving.  I got home from work & as soon as I walked through the door, I could tell my mother was itching for a fight.  No idea why.  My father could see it too, so he quickly said he got a new model airplane & wanted me to see it (we shared a love of models).  I practically ran downstairs.  I knew it was best never to give in when she was in that mood, so I was grateful for the means of escape.

We were downstairs for a few minutes when my mother stood at the top of the steps, yelling at me.  I’m not proud of it, but I finally had enough when she called my car “a hunk of junk” or something like that.  I snapped & cussed her out.  It just happened.  I don’t think the words went near my brain – they just came out.  This enraged her, & she started yelling at my father.  “Did you hear what she just said to me!?  Are you going to let her get away with that?!”  My father quietly went upstairs, & left the house while my mother raged at him.

Meanwhile, I went into my room to grab my keys & purse so I could do the same.  As I walked back down the hall to get to the door, my mother stepped in my path.  She told me she wasn’t going to let me leave.  I told her get out of my way before I make you do it.  She blocked the doorway by putting her hands & feet against it.  I pushed her aside (not knocking her down, just knocking her a bit off balance so I could rush past her).  I ran to grab my shoes & by then she was steady on her feet again.  Before I knew it, she was in my face, & slammed me into the wall beside the front door, & held me there.  My head was the only part I could move.

Two things went through my mind at that moment…

 

  1. The pain was intense as my back popped from my tailbone to my neck.  It was this incredibly loud POPPOPPOPPOP sound that felt like it went on forever.
  2. My mother’s eyes had turned BLACK.  Jet black!  I’d seen that before & it always terrified me.

 

Suddenly I blacked out, I assume from the intense pain & fear.  When I came to a moment later, I was biting her on the arm.  She & I were both shocked at what I had done.  My shock wore off a bit faster than hers, so I ran out the door & to my car & sped off in a cloud of tire smoke.

I believe my mother wanted to kill me, & if I wouldn’t have blacked out like that, she probably would have succeeded.

Interestingly, I caught up to my father at a traffic light.  We pulled over & I told him what happened.  We then went to my now ex husband’s parents’ home since it was nearby.  My father later went to his parents’ home in Virginia.  I moved in with a friend’s parents that night, & got my things from my parents’ home a couple of days later.

Naturally, my mother never accepted any responsibility in this.  In fact, when I had to quit working a few months later, she told people I was just lazy & faking back problems to get out of working.  And, in 2014, my father mentioned this incident..  He told me it’s ok, I didn’t have to apologize for busting up his wall.  How kind, right?!  I never even thought of how the wall was damaged, but he said it was really bad.  He fixed it though, so I didn’t need to apologize.  I told him I had no plans on doing so!  Not my fault my mother broke it by slamming me into it!

This incident along with having extremely selfish in-laws who have demanded my husband & I spend the day with them no matter what (I spent it alone when I refused to go) is why I absolutely hate Thanksgiving.  Kinda hard to feel warm & fuzzy about the day when  there are memories like this assault & years of jerky acting in-laws associated with it.

I honestly thought I was ok with this incident.  (Well, as ok as one can be when they think about their mother trying to kill them & father abandoning them to an obviously raging lunatic.)  What makes it even harder, I think, is this year, the dates have fallen on the exact days they fell on in 1990, so in some weird way, I almost feel like I’m reliving that time of my life.  I feel some of the same shock & anger I felt when it happened, just to a much lesser degree.  I feel disappointment too.  In my father for abandoning me that night, in my ex for making it all about how he felt about the incident & not caring about my pain (I think he even spent Thanksgiving with his family out of state the following day, if memory serves correctly), & my friend’s father who found it hilarious I bit my mother. I’m even disappointed in my mother for not only attacking me but using it as one more weapon to trash me to other people then expecting me to act like it never happened.  I’m also disappointed in myself for failing to press charges against my mother.  The thought never crossed my mind until not long ago when I friend mentioned it.

I’m also less than thrilled that thinking about this has made my C-PTSD flare up.  Hardly surprising though.  So if there are spelling or grammar errors in here, please pardon me.  I tried to catch them all a couple of days after writing this, but it doesn’t always happen with flare ups.

I don’t even know why I’m writing all of this as a blog post.  I do promise to keep my writing real but even so, this isn’t like me.  Usually things like this I write in my journal, maybe sharing details later once I have had some time to come to terms with whatever the trauma was.  For some reason though, I felt I needed to write this in my blog instead. Maybe someone who reads my blog needs to see this.  If that describes you, Dear Reader, I really hope this post helps you somehow.  ❤

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Narcissism

What Happens When You Go No Contact Before The Narcissist Can Discard You

Narcissists, as we all know, are all about procuring narcissistic supply.  Anything or anyone that props up their self-esteem is a good thing.  Naturally this also means that anything or anyone that damages their self-esteem is a foul, evil thing deserving of the most intense hatred imaginable due to the narcissistic injury it caused.

 

Ending a relationship with a narcissist is possibly the most grievous of narcissistic injuries.  Even when a person isn’t a narcissist, it hurts when someone ends the relationship they had with you.  You grieve & move on in time.  Not so with narcissists.  There is nothing normal about them, especially when it comes to someone ending a relationship with them.

 

Narcissists see this as the person being ungrateful, selfish, wrong, stupid & more.  They don’t see that their actions forced the person to sever ties with them- they only see that you were unreasonable & cruel to them, & should be punished.

 

Many awful things can take place once a victim leaves a narcissist.  You need to be prepared for these likely scenarios.

 

Being fake.  Don’t fall for the good guy/girl act- the narcissist is only being nice in an attempt to lure you back into relationship.  If you go back, the niceness won’t last long.  That apology?  Was it really sincere or  a fake apology?  “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  “I’m sorry for whatever you think I did.”  “I’m sorry I did that but you made me act that way when you…” are not real apologies!  Genuine apologies show the person accepts responsibility for their actions.  They show the person apologizing is remorseful & wants to make it up to you if possible.  They don’t make excuses.

 

Harassment or stalking.  Narcissists love to stalk & harass.  They may drive past your home constantly, show up at places you frequent, or bully you online or through texts.  Even if you block their email or cell phone number, they often find ways around your boundaries just to prove they’re in control.  I was harassed by a narcissist for several years.  Early on, I blocked her home IP address from accessing my website, & she used another computer to copy an article on there I wrote about forgiveness & email it to me.  Talk about unsettling!  It showed me how determined this person was to let me know she would do whatever she wanted, no matter what I wanted or didn’t want.

 

Unfortunately in most states, laws haven’t caught up to cyberstalking, so your legal recourse may be limited.  Even with stalking in real life, it can be hard to prove sometimes.  Whether you can get the law involved or not, document EVERYTHING.  It’s always good to have that documentation in case you need it to prove a pattern of behavior.  Save texts, emails or screen shots in a safe place, like an online storage cloud.  Computers & cell phones die, & you don’t want all your documentation to be lost.

 

Smear campaign.  Always a favorite tool of narcissists, is the smear campaign.  You doing so means they may be exposed for the evil monster that they are, so they need to do something to prevent that from happening.  If they can convince other people that you are mentally unbalanced, a drug addict, or vengeful, the chances of people believing them over you are much greater.  Especially so if things are said in the guise of concern.  “I worry about her.. she does some pretty heavy drugs yanno…”

 

There really isn’t anything to do about a smear campaign.  If you defend yourself, chances are the person you’re speaking with will think that is proof that the narcissist is right.  You really are crazy, on drugs, etc.  The best thing you can do is allow your character to show.  You go on being the good person you are.  Those who believe the narcissist really aren’t your friends anyway.  True friends don’t blindly believe bad things about their friends no matter who says them.

 

Flying monkeys/triangulation.  Another favorite tool of narcissists is getting other people to do their dirty work for them.  This provides a potential for a double dose of narcissistic supply.  Getting someone to do as the narcissist commands is always good, but getting them to get someone else to do the narcissist’s will?  Amazing!

 

Resist the attempts to manipulate you back into relationship with the narcissist.  Refuse to discuss the narcissist with this person.  Change the subject when they discuss this person, repeatedly & even rudely if need be.  You may find out this person is extremely devoted to the narcissist, & you need to end that relationship as well.  Unfortunately, it happens often.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

How To Cope With Smear Campaigns

When something happens with a narcissist, either an argument or you go no contact with them, they almost always start a smear campaign against you.

 

A smear campaign is when the narcissist tells anyone who will listen how cruel & unreasonable you were to her, how she doesn’t understand how you can treat her this way after all she did for you & other similar nonsense.  She may even add in lies, such as you’re mentally unstable or an addict to discredit you to the listener.

 

It’s only normal to want to defend yourself against such nonsense.  It hurts when people believe these lies, especially when those people are close to you.  Any normal person would want to convince those people that what the narcissist said about you was nothing but lies.  However, this is not a good idea!

 

By speaking out against the narcissist’s lies, it only serves to convince those who believe the lies that the narcissist is right.  They think you are crazy, jealous, bitter, unreasonable or other awful things that the narcissist said you are.  It’s not fair, but it’s how this situation works almost every single time.

 

The only way to defend yourself successfully against a narcissist’s smear campaign is not to defend yourself.  Although it sounds counterproductive, please hear me out.

 

Everything narcissists do boils down to them trying to gain narcissistic supply.  Any strong reaction from you, whether it’s positive or negative provides them with supply.  By creating this smear campaign, they are hoping to provoke anger & even hatred from you since that would provide supply.

 

The smear campaign is also done to discredit you in case you start speaking about the things the narcissist did to you.  If they can make people think you’re crazy, unreasonable, etc., people won’t believe what you say about the narcissist.  The narcissist’s reputation will be protected while yours is ruined, if the campaign goes as well as they expect it to.

 

By living your life as if nothing is happening, you’re depriving the narcissist of her precious narcissistic supply, which means she will get bored with you & leave you alone at some point.  You also are creating doubt in those who believe the smear campaign.  They will see that you act as a normal person, & start to wonder if the narcissist is really right about what she said.  You sure don’t seem crazy, unstable, etc. like the narcissist said.  Maybe what she said about you isn’t true after all.  In fact, the narcissist’s mask may fall off entirely, & others will see the monster under the mask.

 

So remember, Dear Reader, when this happens to you (& it will at some point if you’ve had a narcissist in your life), ignore the smear campaign!  Although it bothers you, never let that show.  Vent to safe people close to you, journal about your feelings & as always, pray, but do not let your hurt, anger or frustration show to anyone involved in the smear campaign!

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How Narcissists Recruit Flying Monkeys

As you saw in my last post, my life has been rather interesting to say the least lately.

 

I thought about how my father has gotten several people & even the police to come after me about contacting him.  Since many narcissists are very similar, I thought I’d share some things narcissists do to recruit flying monkeys.  That way when you see these behaviors in another person, you easily can discern what is going on.

 

  1. Narcissists are always victims in situations when someone has gone no contact with them.  My father has the victim role down to an art form. Now that he’s pushing 80 & has a lot of serious health concerns, people are going to feel sorry for him even more readily.  I have no doubt he’s used that to his advantage.
  2. Narcissists fake concern.  My father told some folks he’s worried about me since I never answer my phone (I blocked his number).  Who wouldn’t pity a sick, elderly man who says that??  By showing concern, they look like a good person & the victim looks bad.
  3. It’s all about them. They talk about what they want, think or feel. “I just want to talk to her” “I want to marry him” There is no regard for what the other person wants.
  4. Narcissists also never mention anything they’ve done.  They explain someone won’t talk to them, & how mean the person is for not speaking to them, but they never mention the sheer hell they put that person through that pushed them to this point.
  5. The other person is talked about as a possession more than as a person.  The narcissist may refer to that person as “my *insert relationship here*” rather than by their name.  My father actually did this when talking with my husband- he referred to me as “his daughter” rather than by name.  While there are times this is appropriate of course, narcissists use the possessive form in the extreme.  For example, if I’m talking about my husband with my best friend, I refer to him as “Eric.”  With a stranger, it’s usually “my husband.”  A narcissist would use “my husband” with anyone, friend or stranger, to establish possession.
  6. Narcissists also have an air of superiority.  They may brag about all they’ve done for their victim.  If they’re a parent, they also act like their adult child has to do whatever they say because they’re the parent.
  7. They make hateful allegations.  They may call their victim names or create lies about them.  The victim’s spouse or others close to her may be accused as well.  (Remember, my father accused my husband of keeping me from him?  It’s a safe bet he told the police that very same thing- they don’t do welfare checks for nothing.)

 

If someone is saying & doing such things, it’s a safe bet that they’re a narcissist looking for flying monkeys.  Normal people, ones with empathy, respect a person’s boundaries if they are cut off.  They also self reflect, & feel bad about what they did.  They don’t try to have others “talk sense” into that person or talk badly about that person behind their back.

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