For those of us who have survived narcissistic abuse, criticism can be extremely difficult because narcissists are so free & so cruel with their criticisms. I don’t mean constructive criticism or correction. That can be uncomfortable, but at least it is tolerable when said gently & to help rather than tear down your self esteem. Stupid criticisms are a different matter. They are as their name implies – criticisms that are just stupid. They are criticisms that have no basis in helping, & are said simply because someone disagrees with you. If you’re a vegetarian someone who criticizes that choice because they like meat is indulging in stupid criticisms. Neither choice is bad or wrong, so neither one should be criticized. Many topics are that way, where there is no right or wrong, just different. Yet, many people are quick to harshly criticize those who do things differently than they do.
I really believe social media has made this problem much worse than it once was. On social media, people can say anything to anyone from the safety of their own home, hiding behind their phone or computer. There are no real repercussions for their behavior, so they feel free to say anything they like. This behavior carries over into real life. Sadly, it’s not just narcissists that do it, either. About anyone can feel free to say stupid criticisms it seems. It’s not right!
When this happens to you (& it will, unfortunately!), it’s going to hurt you & possibly also trigger very painful memories or even flashbacks. Rather than react immediately, stop for a moment as soon as you feel the anxiety, hurt or anger start to rise up. Take a deep breath & let it out slowly to help calm your mind & body. This also will give you a moment to recognize that you are being triggered, & that this person’s stupid criticisms don’t mean that something is wrong with you. It also gives you a moment to pray. Never think saying, “Father God.. HELP!!” isn’t a prayer because it is a very effective one!
If possible, end the conversation immediately. Say you just remembered you have something important you must do & go. This isn’t a lie – you did remember something important you must do, & that something is you must take care of yourself! When you are safely away from this person, engage in whatever self care works best for you & deal with your frazzled emotional state.
If you can’t escape the situation, you can ask the person to explain what they said. As void of emotion as possible, ask simple questions like, “I don’t understand. Why do you think I’m wrong (or stupid or whatever they said) simply for thinking differently than you do?” “Why do you think it’s OK to talk to me that way simply because I like something you don’t?” When people have to explain inappropriate behavior, they become very uncomfortable. This means they are less likely to repeat that behavior in the future.
Prayer is so helpful in all situations, including this one. Tell God how you feel. He is your father & like any loving father, He wants to be there for you. Cry or yell or whatever you feel you need to do. You can’t shock or offend Him.
Also ask Him to show you the root of your reaction. If you get to the root of the problem & heal that, you won’t be so triggered if this situation happens again. Yes, this is painful but it is much less painful than continually suffering when this situation arises.
It also helps to remember that some people, even those who aren’t narcissists, can be thoughtless & even cruel with their words sometimes. Whether their intentions are malicious or not, it happens. It also has nothing to do with you nor is it a reflection on your character.
Never, ever forget that God loves you as you are. He made you the person you are for a reason. Just because you are different than someone else doesn’t mean you’re bad or wrong. You simply have a different course for your life than that person has for theirs.
As annoying as stupid criticisms are, they can be handled gracefully & in time, be less upsetting & triggering.
Being Over Sensitive To Criticism
I’ve noticed recently that I am way more sensitive to criticism than I used to be. It’s not that I care what people think, but I care that people feel they must share their negative opinions with me when I didn’t ask for their opinions.
When I first realized this, I chalked it up to getting older & crankier. In time though, I realized it’s not only those things. I firmly believe it is because of having experienced narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists are most likely the most judgmental & critical of all people. They must share any & all opinions of their victims they have at all times. They favor negative ones in particular as a way to chip away at their victims’ self esteem since low self esteem makes a person easy to control & abuse.
If by some chance narcissists think something positive about their victims, they won’t offer any praise. They prefer to do much crueler things. The best option is they simply withhold praise, but that seldom happens. Instead, they prefer to claim responsibility for that good thing such as by claiming if they hadn’t pushed the victim, he or she never would have gotten that promotion at work. Narcissistic parents also claim that their victim/child got whatever talent they have from that parent. This means that when their child gets praise for something, the parent often says something along the lines of, “She got that talent from me.”
Another common scenario with narcissists is to twist the good thing in their victim around so it looks bad, thus ruining that good thing. For example, many years back, before I decided to focus only on writing, I did some editing work. I was blessed to work with one amazing client & mentioned the work to my mother. That was a huge mistake, but at that time, I didn’t know anything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I mentioned my client & the work I was enjoying doing for her because I naively thought my mother would be happy for me. She always fancied herself a skilled writer, & she was, but she never worked in the field. I thought she might be happy that I was working in the field & enjoying myself. Well, not only did she not share my joy, but a few days later she ruined mine. She did this by saying she was thinking of getting into editing work because (& this is her wording), “it’s such easy money. Obviously anyone can do it.”
Narcissists also beat their victims down with criticism. When my husband & I got together, his mother repeatedly told me how much she hated my car. For years, I heard constant hateful comments. Many times I wanted to tell her, “I know. You hate my car. You think it’s the worst car in the whole world. There’s no need to keep telling me. I figured out how you feel after the first 50,000 times you mentioned it!”
After going through these things for years at the hands of narcissists, I really think that no matter how much we may have healed, criticism is still a very tough thing for us to handle, even when we don’t care about someone else’s opinions. We are burned out on criticism, negativity & cruelty. We also had it drilled into us how awful we are or something about us is. After years of this, we get to the point where criticism, unless it’s clearly well meaning & meant to help, is incredibly irritating. So many times I have wanted to tell someone, “Your opinion wasn’t asked for & truly means nothing. Why must you share it? And, why do you think it’s ok to be such a disrespectful jerk?”
If this describes you, I so relate! It’s frustrating! I have learned the best way to handle criticism that is unasked for & unfair is to stop for a moment. Inhale deeply then exhale to calm your mind & body. Remind yourself that you are having a reaction to the narcissistic abuse, nothing more. Also remind yourself that not all people have good social skills. Some are very critical simply because they haven’t learned any better. That doesn’t mean they are narcissists or are out to hurt you. They are simply oblivious. And, remember that just because someone is criticizing you doesn’t mean what they said is true. Consider what they have to say, & if it’s wrong, disregard it. If they are right, although it was a painful way to learn, you still learned something. That is a good thing.
If you know the person who is critical, then you know if you can talk openly to them or not. If you can, gently let them know how you feel. They may have simply not realized how what they said sounded. Or they may be struggling with something & took their frustrations out on you.
And as always, remember to pray. Ask God for wisdom & help in your situation, & He will provide you whatever you need!
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