Tag Archives: enmeshed
Enmeshment is a term used to describe when boundaries are either very weak or non existent in a relationship, most commonly within a family. Enmeshed families aren’t simply close. Closeness is healthy, but enmeshment is not. It can cause a myriad of problems for the children.
Enmeshed families share very similar traits. The children are expected to think & act like their parents, to work in the line of work their parents want them to & basically live the life their parents want them to live rather than what they want to. Children are also usually the only close “friends” of sorts that the parents have. The parents demand or guilt trip their children spend plenty of time with them rather than create an environment that would make their children want to spend time with them. Children, no matter their age, aren’t supposed to do things they want, such as spending time with people other than their parents. In fact, enmeshed parents don’t want their children to leave home. Many adult children from these families didn’t leave home at an appropriate age. Instead they lived with their parents well into their 20’s, 30’s or maybe never even moved out. These children also feel responsible for their parents, starting at a very young age. This can cause them to put their parents’ needs & wants over their own, & later also over their spouse’s needs & wants. It creates a tremendous amount of stress in a marriage.
Children in enmeshed families frequently grow up feeling out of place when they aren’t with their families. They also lack a real identity beyond who their parents tell them they are. Their self esteem is usually quite low as well. Other common problems include a lack of relationship skills & lack of understanding of healthy boundaries. They also tend to be very distrustful of people who aren’t related to them, yet tolerate any abuse their family members heap on them. Many of these adult children seek out romantic partners who need caring for, which is a pattern they learned in childhood from their needy parents.
In order to end this dysfunctional behavior, the child of enmeshed parents needs first to recognize just how dysfunctional & harmful enmeshment is. It can be very hard to do this after a lifetime of believing the lie that the enmeshment means their family is closer & healthier t han others, but it still must be done.
Next, some distance must be set between parent & child. This is also very hard, I know, especially since most likely the parent will shame the child for wanting some space, but it can be done. Start small, such as not answering their call sometimes. If your parent complains, just say you were busy (which you were.. taking care of yourself) & couldn’t get to the phone. Also don’t spend as much time with your parent as you have. Pull away a bit. Don’t be so readily available to your parent. If they need your help, unless it’s a true emergency, tell them you can’t do what they need now but you can in a few days. These small ways to start setting boundaries will strengthen you & enable you to set bigger & better boundaries in the future.
Learn who you are, too. Pay attention to what you truly want, like, think, feel… you may discover you are much different than what your parents always said you were. Or, you may have some similarities. Either way, get to know the real you & enjoy who you are.
Recognize the false guilt. If your parent does their best to make you feel guilty for not taking their call one day or not visiting them, that is ridiculous. You’re an adult with your own life! Don’t accept that false guilt!
If you have close friends who understand your situation, discuss it with them. Let them support you. And if you don’t, check online for support forums. No doubt you can find one that helps you.
Mostly, turn to God. Pray about your situation & let Him help you to heal. He loves you & will be glad to do that for you!
Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (KJV)
Most people have at least heard of Genesis 2:24, but I wonder how many people truly understand it. Since tomorrow is my 20th wedding anniversary, this Scripture has popped into my mind & I figured the timing to discuss it was good.
Being close is one thing, but being enmeshed is very bad. No doubt many of my readers know about enmeshed families. Narcissistic families often have enmeshment down to an art form, since their families are very cult-like. When one member gets married, this often means trouble for the new in-law.
When my husband & I first met, it didn’t take me long to learn he was very involved with his family. Enmeshed, really, although I didn’t know the term at the time. Coming from my own dysfunctional past, I thought at first that it was good they were so “close.”
My mother in-law hated me from the day we met, which was before my husband & I started dating. Once we started dating, it got a lot worse & it was worse after our marriage. Because she felt this way, her two daughters did as well, although one hid it for a few years. Over the years, they subjected me to many cruel comments & actions letting me know I was not good enough to be a part of their family. Yet, at the same time, I was told that I would be there on special days like Christmas & there was no acceptable excuse not to be in attendance. They also had ideas of the type of person I should be & look like, which became incredibly annoying to me since I’m not anything like they wanted me to be. This all created a tremendous amount of stress in my marriage which lead to me considering divorce many times.
And sadly, I felt completely alone. I honestly thought no other woman went through what I was going through. How wrong I was! As I began to write about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I learned a LOT of other people had almost identical experiences with their in-laws. It seems this must be common with narcissistic families, to treat the in-law more like an outlaw, make demands of them & have unrealistic expectations of them & causing problems in the marriage.
I firmly believe situations like this are why God wrote Genesis 2:24. When a couple is married, whether they’ve been married 2 weeks or 40 years, they need to be a COUPLE, not have others involved in their marriage. Even if the people in question are good people, it’s just inappropriate & causes problems in a marriage to have the intrusion of other people. Feelings will get hurt, someone will feel put upon or left out, arguments will happen.. it’s just not good! Couples needs to keep their marriage their top priority after God, & not pay attention to what other people’s opinions are.
It’s also very inappropriate for a married person to discuss the intimate details of their marriage with their parent or child. They don’t need to be privy to that information. All it will do is cause tension between the partner being discussed & the other person, plus if a child knows such information about their parent, it puts a tremendous amount of pressure on the child. Children often take things personally, even things that shouldn’t be taken personally. The child may feel to blame for the parent’s bad behavior or the marital problems. The child may even feel it’s his or her duty to fix the problem when clearly nothing could be further from the truth!
If you’re in the situation of someone else being involved in your marriage, please talk to your partner! Remind him or her of Genesis 2:24. Ask God to give you the right words to say so your partner will understand the importance of this issue. Suggest marriage counseling, perhaps. It’ll be very challenging but you can get through this!