Most people want to be a part of a close knit family. That can be a wonderful thing, but there is also such a thing as being too close.
Some examples of being too close are as follows:
- When boundaries aren’t respected or are non existent in a family.
- Parents not allowing their children privacy, no matter the age. Parents that look through their children’s diary, bedroom, wallets, purses, cars, etc.
- Parents relying on their children for emotional support, which is parentification.
- When parents discourage their children from growing up & becoming independent.
- When adult children’s lives center around their parents.
- When married adult children prioritize their parents over their spouse.
- When adult children will tolerate anything because they are afraid to deal with the fallout of saying no.
- When someone marries into the family, & is treated like an outsider while frequently being reminded they aren’t good enough & never will be.
Families that display this type of behavior are known as enmeshed families.
Enmeshment is an extremely dysfunctional family dynamic. It may be passed down through generations, it can be brought about by a family experiencing trauma, abuse, illness or it can be due to engulfing narcissistic parents.
Children who grow up in this type of environment suffer for it. They are often burdened with trying to care for their parents when they aren’t prepared to do so, which leaves them feeling overly responsible for the feelings of them as well as others. These children also lack a connection to their wants, needs & feelings due to prioritizing their parents’ over theirs. They grow up not nearly as independent as they should be, often expecting their parents to tell them what to do with their lives in every area including things only they should decide like when to move out or who to marry.
This treatment also leaves children in a confused state. In one way, they are child like, yet in another they are supposed to be wise & mature enough to handle their parent treating them like a friend or substitute spouse. They also lack the ability to self sooth in tough times, are very disconnected from their emotions & often suffer with anxiety. Relationships are a challenge & healthy one are impossible because the parents are always their top priority.
Once the child of an enmeshed family realizes what is happening, he or she is rarely supported. Outsiders see the family’s facade of being close & happy, & believe that is true. When this usually adult child begins to speak about the problem, people often minimize or invalidate his or her concerns because they have seen only the close, happy family facade. They believe this person’s concerns to be unsubstantiated, & he or she should just be glad to have a close family. Whether intentions are good or bad when saying this, it still is very upsetting & invalidating when you are in this situation!
If you are in this situation, there is hope! To heal, you need to lean on God first. He will help you to see what you need to do & how to do it.
You also need to start learning about & setting boundaries. This is tough, but it can be done. Start very small, such as not answering the phone every time your parent calls or if they want you to come visit a certain day, try to do it another day. Tiny steps like this give you some power. That power enables you to set more boundaries & more yet. Before you know it, you’ll have this boundaries thing down pat!
Get to know yourself. The real you, not the you your parents say you are. Learn about your likes, dislikes, goals, morals, beliefs, strengths, weaknesses & everything you can possibly think of. Accept your feelings on everything without judgment or criticism, & question if these feelings are truly yours or your parents’.
Recognize you have no valid reasons to feel guilty for doing this. You aren’t harming anyone & you are helping yourself. Your parents are going to hurt at first, but that isn’t a bad thing. You need your independence & are entitled to it, & they need to learn a healthier way to live.
Remember, you can do this & be so much stronger, healthier & happier than ever before!