A Subtle Sign Of Control No One Warns You About: Not Being Willing To Work On The Relationship

Imagine being in a relationship, & everything seems perfect at first.  But, as time goes on, you notice your partner isn’t willing to work on the relationship or address any problems.  If you mention problems, he or she always starts a fight.  They know their behavior hurts you, yet they refuse to make any changes.  They even make excuses for their actions, deny any wrongdoing, & minimize the harm they’ve caused.  All of these are red flags that indicate someone expects to be in control of the relationship.

This behavior has a significant impact on your emotional well being.  Being in a relationship where your needs are constantly put on the back burner (if they even make it onto the stove at all!) & invalidated is detrimental to your self esteem. 

Instead of addressing issues or concerns, controlling partners sweep problems under the rug, start fights & avoid taking responsibility for their part in any problems.

A partner who consistently avoids working on the relationship works hard to create a situation where they hold all the control.  They dictate the terms of the relationship, & their partner is left feeling powerless & voiceless. 

Their refusal to work on the relationship also leads to unresolved conflict.  Without open communication & a willingness to address problems, the relationship becomes stagnant & filled with tension. 

Another subtle sign of control is when a partner consistently excuses or denies their harmful behavior.  They downplay the impact of their actions, dismissing their partner’s feelings & invalidating their pain.  This gaslighting is extremely manipulative & aims to make a person doubt their own reality.

Excusing or denying their dysfunctional or even abusive behavior allows a partner like this to maintain control over the relationship.  By refusing to acknowledge the harm they’ve caused, they avoid taking responsibility & are able to continue their controlling behavior without consequence. Toxic partners want those in relationship with them to believe that having needs means they’re demanding or, “too much”.  However, having needs is normal & healthy in any relationship.  You deserve to have your needs met & to feel validated in your emotions!

In a healthy relationship, both partners should have an equal amount of space & be able to depend on each other.  When someone expects to be in control of the relationship, they want your needs to be on the back burner, prioritize their own desires & expect you to be ok with it. That’s so wrong!

Controlling individuals also want you to believe that depending on another person is a sign of weakness.  They discourage those in relationship with them from seeking support or leaning on them for emotional support as a way to exert their control over the relationship & prevent healthy dependencies.

Humans are made to need & serve each other.  God designed relationships to be a partnership where both individuals rely on each other for support, love, & understanding.  No one, even including parents, children, should come before one’s spouse.

Recognizing when someone is unwilling to work on the relationship, excuses or denies their behavior, minimizes the pain they inflict, & expects others to put their needs on the back burner are all clear indicators that they desire control.  It’s normal & healthy to have needs, & you should never feel guilty for taking up space in a relationship.  You deserve to be heard, validated, & supported. 

About Continually Incompetent People

Have you ever encountered someone who always seems to conveniently forget how to do certain tasks?  They claim ignorance & helplessness, leaving you to pick up the slack.  These individuals are often covert narcissists.  Whether or not they are narcissists, they are using a manipulation tactic.  It is essential to recognize such behavior & protect ourselves from falling into their trap, so today we’ll discuss ways to do just that.

Covert narcissists are skilled at masking their true intentions behind a facade of vulnerability & helplessness.  They often pretend not to know how to do something, creating an opportunity for others to step in & take charge.  By doing so, they not only avoid tasks they don’t want to do, but they also gain a sense of power & control over those who willingly take on the responsibilities where they feign incompetence. 

One of my friends aptly described this behavior as “weaponized incompetence.”  It is a form of manipulation that capitalizes on others’ willingness to help & serve.  By making others believe they lack the necessary skills or knowledge, covert narcissists can manipulate them into doing their bidding. 

Covert narcissists are adept at playing the victim, & weaponized incompetence is one of their most effective strategies.  They use it to exploit the compassion & empathy most people possess.  This tactic typically unfolds in three distinct phases: feigned ignorance, manipulation, & reinforcement.

Firstly, the covert narcissist will pretend not to know how to perform a specific task or solve a problem.  They may act helpless, seeking assistance from others who possess the necessary skills.  This initial display of incompetence is carefully calculated to elicit sympathy & draw people into their web of manipulation.

Once they have successfully roped someone into helping, the covert narcissist proceeds to manipulate the situation to their advantage.  They may offer half hearted attempts at learning or make excuses for their incompetence.  This manipulation aims to shift the responsibility entirely onto the willing helper, making them feel indispensable & fostering a sense of obligation to continue assisting the narcissist in the future.

Lastly, the covert narcissist reinforces this behavior through positive reinforcement.  They shower the willing helper with praise & gratitude, further cementing their role as the reliable problem solver.  By doing so, the narcissist ensures that the helper remains under their control, ready to step in whenever they feign incompetence again.

It is so crucial to be aware of manipulative tactics such as weaponized incompetence.  Recognizing this behavior enables us to protect ourselves from being manipulated & controlled.  Following are some strategies to help safeguard against falling into the trap:

Trust your instincts: If something feels off or too good to be true, listen to your feeling.  Covert narcissists try to exploit kindness, so be vigilant & trust your instincts when something doesn’t seem right.

Set & enforce strict boundaries: Covert narcissists thrive on blurring boundaries & taking advantage of others.  By setting boundaries, you protect yourself from being manipulated & ensure your resources are used wisely.

Develop discernment: Cultivate discernment through prayer, self reflection, & seeking input from wise people.  Understanding the difference between genuine need & manipulative behavior is crucial in avoiding being controlled in this way.

Practice self care: Prioritize self care & nurture your own well being.  Covert narcissists feed off the energy & attention of others.  By taking care of yourself, you gain the wisdom & strength to recognize & resist their manipulative tactics.

It is so important to maintain integrity & discernment, ensuring that kindness & willingness to help are not exploited by those who seek to control & manipulate.  Remember, God calls us to serve & love one another genuinely, but that does not mean we should tolerate anyone using us.  

Ways To Build A Closer More Loving Marriage: Tips For Husbands

Women are often given plenty of advice on how to be a loving wife & how to support our husbands.  However, there seems to be a lack of guidance when it comes to being a loving, supportive husband.  I thought today would be a good day to explore some practical ways to help men create a more loving marriage that brings joy to both husbands & their wives.

Ephesians 5:25-33 says that it is a husband’s responsibility to love & cherish your wives.  Yet, it is easy to get caught up in the busyness of life & put such things on the back burner.  This shouldn’t be!  There are some simple things men can do to show their wives that they are loved & cherished

One of the most important things you can do is making sure your wives feel like a top priority.  As Christians, God naturally should be first, but after Him, your wives should be your top priority.  One way to do this is to pray for & with your wife.  This is a powerful way to connect spiritually & emotionally.  It shows that you care deeply about her well being & are committed to walking together in faith.

In addition to prayer, it’s also important to let your wives know that they are always on your minds.  Simple gestures such as sending a text or making a quick call during the day when you are apart can go a long way in making her feel loved & appreciated.  These small acts of thoughtfulness show that you value her presence in your life & that she is always in your thoughts.

Your wife also needs to know that you do not expect perfection from her.  Marriage is a journey of growth & learning, & it is vital to create an environment where both people feel safe to be themselves.  By reassuring her that you accept & love her unconditionally, flaws & all, you foster an atmosphere of trust & understanding.

Acts of love & thoughtfulness can strengthen the bond between husband & wife.  Surprise your wife with small, meaningful gifts just because.  It doesn’t have to be extravagant; a heartfelt note, a flower, or her favorite treat can make her day.  These gestures remind her that she is cherished & that you are always thinking of her.

Another way to show love & support is by taking an active role in household chores.  It is unfair for all the responsibilities to fall on your wife’s shoulders.  Regularly ask what you can do or even take the initiative to pitch in without being asked.  If she’s been the primary one to do chores, then ask her how she wants you to do things.  She has experience in this area, so trust that she knows best how to maintain your home.

An open & safe space for communication is so important in marriage.  Share your thoughts, dreams, & concerns with your wife & encourage her to share hers with you.  By allowing each other into your inner worlds, you strengthen the emotional connection & gain a deeper understanding of each other.  Actively listening & engaging in meaningful conversations will make your wife feel valued & loved.

As husbands, you always should have your wives’ backs.  Defend & protect her against anyone who is critical or disrespectful, including family members.  Show unwavering support, both privately & publicly.  By doing this, you increase her trust & let your wife know that you are her biggest advocate & ally.

Lastly, never stop wooing your wife.  Just because you are married doesn’t mean romance should fade away.  Continue to surprise her, plan date nights, & find ways to keep the spark alive in your relationship.  Small gestures like leaving love notes, planning surprise outings, or even a small but meaningful gift reminds her of your love.  If you aren’t sure how to do this, watch how Gomez treated Morticia in the Adaams family movies.  Clearly he adored his wife & showed it at any opportunity.

By making a conscious effort to be a loving husband, you can create a closer & more loving relationship with your wife.  Remember, showing love is not something to be checked off a to do list, but a continuous display of your love & commitment.  With God’s help, you can cultivate a marriage that flourishes & brings joy to both you & your wife.

The Subtle Destruction & Evil Of Too Close Families

Some families are so tightly knit that no outsider can penetrate their bond.  They appear loving, supportive, & inseparable.  However, beneath the surface, this seemingly close knit family is a breeding ground for destruction, ensnaring its members in a web of enmeshment.  Enmeshed families are characterized by their inability to create healthy boundaries, resulting in the exclusion of friends, the shunning of spouses, & the deterioration of marriages.  Today’s goal is to explore the insidious nature of enmeshment, its devastating consequences, & how victims of enmeshed families can break free using the teachings of Christianity.

Enmeshment is a phenomenon that can be so subtle that it often goes unnoticed until it has already wreaked havoc on the lives of its victims.  In enmeshed families, the concept of individuality is sacrificed for the sake of maintaining an illusion of being a happy, loving family.  Friends are few & far between, as the family demands all of its members’ time, attention, & loyalty.  This exclusivity leaves virtually no room for personal growth or the cultivation of meaningful relationships outside the family circle.

When individuals marry into an enmeshed family, they quickly realize that their spouse’s loyalty lies first & foremost with their family of origin.  This dysfunctional prioritization often leads to a tumultuous marriage, with the enmeshed spouse consistently choosing their family over their partner.  As a result, the non-enmeshed spouse feels neglected, unimportant, & constantly competing for attention & affection from their enmeshed spouse.

Enmeshment treats adults like children, stripping them of their individuality & independence.  Every decision, big or small, is subject to the approval & control of the enmeshed family.  This dysfunction stifles personal growth & perpetuates a cycle of dependency & emotional manipulation.  Enmeshment thrives on lies like “family always comes first,” & “No one loves you like your family!” which is contrary to the teachings of Christianity.

2 Corinthians 11:14 reminds us that evil can disguise itself, appearing harmless or even beneficial.  Enmeshment, with its veneer of love & togetherness, is a perfect example of this deception.  Like the enemy Jesus described in John 10:10, enmeshment steals, kills, & destroys the very essence of its victims’ identities, independence, & normalcy. 

Victims of enmeshment often suffer in silence, unaware of the sinister nature of their situation.  They grew up believing that their family’s behavior is normal & that their suffering is a result of their own inadequacies.  However, by recognizing the truth & seeking to break free from enmeshment, they can begin to reclaim their lives & experience the abundant, fulfilling life that God intended for them.

In order to escape enmeshment, victims must question the lies that have been ingrained in their minds.  They must challenge those false beliefs, like family always comes first, & replace them with the truth such as God’s love encompasses all relationships & calls for healthy boundaries.  To do these things, it helps to have a close relationship with God, to read your Bible often & to have Godly, supportive friends who encourage, help & pray for & with you.

The teachings of Jesus emphasize the value of individuality, love, & healthy relationships.  By focusing on these principles, victims can find solace, support, & the courage to take the necessary steps towards freedom such as setting healthy boundaries.

It is essential for victims to understand that breaking free from enmeshment is a gradual process.  Healing takes time, patience, & self compassion.  It won’t happen over night but it will happen.  I did it, with God’s love, support & guidance.

Enmeshment is a truly sinister force that can disguise itself as love & unity.  Never underestimate its evil.  Its destructive power is evident in lost identities, shattered independence, & fractured marriages it leaves in its wake.  To break free from the clutches of enmeshment, victims must embrace the truth, & draw strength from their faith.  By doing so, they can emerge from the darkness & experience the fullness of life that God intended for them.

For more in depth information, check out my book on enmeshment at the following link…

https://books2read.com/u/47VO5E

An Easy & Biblical Way To Identify Good From Bad

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you weren’t sure if something was really good or bad?  Maybe you were faced with a decision that seemed harmless at first, but deep down, you had doubts.  It’s in these moments that having a clear filter can be incredibly helpful.  One Scripture that I’ve found to be incredibly helpful is John 10:10.   In the Amplified Bible it says, “The thief comes only in order to steal & kill & destroy.  I came that they may have & enjoy life, & have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].”  This Scripture has served me well in distinguishing between what is good & what is bad. 

John 10:10 provides a clear distinction between the intentions of the enemy, Satan, & the purpose of Jesus.  The enemy’s intentions are to steal, kill, & destroy, while Jesus came to give us life in abundance.  By analyzing a situation objectively, we can assess whether it aligns with the life giving purpose of Jesus or if it aligns with the destructive intentions of Satan.

The best example of applying it that comes to mind is my marriage.  My husband’s family always has hated me.  They believe that I “stole” him away from them, kept him from them & that I’m not a suitable wife for him.  However, if you look at our marriage, you can see that it’s brought growth, success, & maturity to both of us.   There is no hint of stealing, killing, or destroying in any capacity.  Although they view it as bad, it truly is not bad. 

Emotions can cloud our judgment & make it difficult to see things objectively.  But looking at things through the lens of John 10:10 helps us to remove personal emotions & biases from a situation.  When evaluating whether something is truly good or bad, it’s so important to set aside emotions & biases.  This is especially true when dealing with personal matters such as relationships, where our emotions easily can influence our perception.

Look again at the case of my marriage.  They believed I had taken my husband away from them, & claimed I treated them badly so they were angry.  However, by looking at the situation without emotion, it’s clear that their perspective is skewed, partly by their anger.  There is no evidence to support their warped beliefs or that our marriage had caused anyone any harm.  I prayed & considered my situation because I wanted to be absolutely certain I was innocent of the accusations. Leaving emotion out of the equation while considering John 10:10 allowed me to see the situation for what it truly was – gaslighting & projection by narcissists.

It’s also essential to look for evidence.  Evidence provides a factual basis for our assessments, which helps separate truth from perception.  In the case of my marriage, there is no evidence my husband or I could find to support the negative claims made by his family.  The only evidence was that our relationship had brought positive changes & growth to us both.  By focusing on the tangible aspects of our marriage, it’s very clear that it’s not bad, even if it doesn’t align with their ideal scenario.

When applying John 10:10 as a filter, never forget to look for evidence that supports or contradicts the intentions described.  Evidence will help you to make informed decisions & avoid being swayed by subjective opinions or emotional responses.

John 10:10 serves as a powerful filter to identify what is truly good or bad in our lives.  By considering it without allowing your emotions or biases to influence you as you examine the evidence, you can navigate through your doubts & uncertainties with greater clarity & confidence.

Life With Chronic Illness Or Pain

Living with a chronic illness or pain is filled with immense loss & challenges.  It is not simply the physical symptoms, but also the profound emotional impact it has on the lack of ability to live a “normal” life.  We lose the freedom to do things we once loved without pain or exhaustion, & with that loss comes grief & mourning for the life we once enjoyed.  Additionally, we find ourselves having to adapt to new limitations, which can be emotionally draining & isolating.  Today, I want to offer some hope & encouragement in the midst of these struggles.

One of the most significant losses that individuals with chronic illness or pain experience is the loss of normalcy.  Before the onset of the condition, we were able to engage in activities without the burden of pain or exhaustion.  We could pursue passions, hobbies, & dreams with vigor & enthusiasm.  However, chronic illness or pain changes everything.  Suddenly, even the simplest tasks become arduous & draining.  The ability to work, socialize, or engage in physical activities may become limited or even impossible, which naturally leads to a profound sense of loss.

With this loss of normalcy comes a deep longing for the life that once was.  It is common to grieve over the things we can no longer do & the dreams we had to lose.  The future envisioned is now filled with uncertainty & limitations.  This loss can be especially challenging for individuals who had a strong sense of identity tied to their abilities & achievements.  They struggle the hardest with feelings of inadequacy, as the illness or pain creates a new version of themselves that they have to learn to adapt to.

The loss of normalcy extends beyond physical limitations.  It also impacts our emotional well being.  The constant presence of pain or the challenges of managing a chronic illness leads to feelings of frustration, sadness, & even depression.  The emotional toll of chronic illness or pain is often underestimated & misunderstood by those who have not experienced it themselves. 

Living with a chronic illness or pain is even more challenging when faced with the lack of understanding & empathy from others.  People who have not experienced chronic illness or pain firsthand often fail to comprehend the daily struggles & limitations.  Some question the authenticity of our condition, accusing us of faking or seeking attention.  These accusations are hurtful & invalidating, especially when they come from those close to us.

Furthermore, the impatience of others compounds the challenges we face.  It is common for those with chronic illnesses or pain to have limitations & require accommodations or adjustments.  However, this may frustrate those around us.  They may become impatient with our slower pace, our need for rest & breaks, or our inability to participate in certain activities.  This impatience makes us feel like a burden, further eroding our sense of self worth.

Amidst the losses & challenges of living with chronic illness or pain, finding hope & strength can be a difficult but necessary journey.  As a Christian, I have found solace in my relationship with God.  2 Corinthians 12:9 in the Amplified Bible says, “but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.”  This Scripture reminds me that even in my limitations, I am not alone & that God still can work through me.

While it is natural to grieve over the losses that chronic illness or pain brings, it is also important to remember that our identity is not solely defined by our abilities or achievements.  Our worth as individuals is rooted in our inherent value as children of God.  Through a relationship with God, we can find strength, hope, & purpose in our lives, even in the midst of our limitations.  God’s grace is sufficient for you, & His power is made perfect in your weakness.

Are You Or Your Siblings Narcissists?

Growing up with narcissistic parents leaves lasting scars, often leading to a range of questions & doubts about oneself & the dynamics within the family.  Many adult children of narcissistic parents wonder if they or their siblings are also narcissists.  While this is relatively rare, it does happen, so today I’ll explain some signs to look for. 

First, I think it’s important to know almost everyone with narcissistic parents can display narcissistic tendencies.  That isn’t a sure sign of having Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but rather simply a sign of having narcissistic parents.  When someone realizes those tendencies cause pain & problems & makes appropriate changes, clearly they aren’t a full blown narcissist.  If they refuse to make changes in spite of knowing their behavior hurts others, that is a sign of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

One of the most obvious signs that you or your siblings might have narcissistic traits is the tendency to mirror your parents’ behavior & opinions.  Parents have a strong influence on children’s beliefs & perspectives, but children rarely behave & think exactly like their parents.  With narcissistic parents, children think & behave almost exactly like their parents.

Narcissistic parents often play favorites among their children, pitting siblings against each other & creating a toxic & competitive atmosphere within the family.  Showing favoritism among siblings & constantly seeking validation from your parents are signs of narcissistic tendencies.

Additionally, after the passing of narcissistic parents, it is not uncommon for one or more siblings to take over special occasions or family traditions, disregarding the desires & needs of the rest of the family.  This is a need for control & dominance which is another red flag of narcissism.

Another sign of narcissism is the tendency to exclude one another from the family loop.  Narcissistic parents often manipulate their children, creating divisions & fostering a sense of superiority within the family.  Anyone aligning with parents’ perspectives & purposely excluding siblings from family events or important decisions is displaying signs of narcissism. 

Furthermore, envy & competition among siblings are the normal scenario in families damaged by narcissistic parenting.  Siblings try to make their siblings envy them while envying them, creating a vicious cycle of rivalry & resentment.  This envy leads to petty & entitled behavior that is common among narcissists.

During difficult times, narcissists reveal their true colors.  Instead of offering support & comfort, they are more likely to rub salt in the wounds, relishing in the hardship of their siblings.  This lack of empathy & the willingness to inflict further pain are very clear signs of narcissistic behavior.

Narcissistic parents gaslight their children, denying any wrongdoing or problems within the family.  Unfortunately, this behavior can be passed down to their offspring, leading to a cycle of denial & abuse.  If you or your siblings find yourselves dismissing or denying the emotional abuse you endured during your upbringing, it is crucial to recognize this is extremely dysfunctional behavior.  It also can be a red flag of narcissism.

Moreover, narcissists align with their narcissistic parents, defending their actions & disregarding the pain & suffering caused by their behavior.  This loyalty to the narcissistic parents while simultaneously complaining about them is a classic sign of narcissism.  It perpetuates a toxic cycle within the family

In conclusion, while it is relatively rare for adult children of narcissistic parents to develop narcissistic traits themselves, it does happen.  Recognizing the signs is so important for your mental health.

The Joy of Playing After Childhood Abuse

Childhood is supposed to be a time of innocence, wonder, & carefree play.  It’s a time when we should learn about the world around us, develop friendships, & create lasting memories.  Unfortunately, for those who have experienced abuse during their formative years, the concept of childhood joy feels like a distant dream.  The trauma of abuse steals the opportunity simply to be a child & enjoy simple childhood pleasures.  However, as adults, we have the power to reclaim what was lost.  One way to do this is by reconnecting with the act of playing.

It may feel daunting to embrace playfulness as an adult, especially if we never had the chance to experience it fully as children.  However, by rediscovering the activities we missed out on, we can bring back a sense of childlike wonder & joy into our lives.  Engaging in play as an adult can act as a form of therapy.

When we engage in play, our brains release endorphins, which are neurotransmitters that promote feelings of happiness & well being.  These endorphins can help counteract some of the negative emotions associated with childhood abuse, such as sadness, anger, or fear.  Even a short break from such emotions is a wonderful thing!

One way to reconnect with your inner child is by revisiting the toys & activities you loved as children.  Whether it’s playing with action figures, building blocks, or puzzles, immersing ourselves in these familiar experiences can be incredibly therapeutic.  If you no longer have the toys from our childhood, search for them online or in antique stores. 

While solitary play can be incredibly fulfilling, involving others in our playtime can enhance our relationships & create lasting memories.  Consider inviting your significant other or other loved ones to join in the fun.  This shared experience can deepen connections.  From playing board games to challenging each other in video games, the possibilities for shared play are endless. 

Now that you understand the importance of play in healing, let’s explore activities that can help you reconnect with your inner child & find joy in the present moment.

Remember the sheer delight of blowing bubbles?  The simple act of creating iridescent orbs that float through the air can be incredibly soothing & mesmerizing.  Have fun watching bubbles dance in the sunlight.  Allow yourself to be fully present in this moment.

Cartoons & movies have a unique ability to transport you to another world.  Set aside some time to indulge in your favorite childhood cartoons or discover new ones that spark joy.  Immerse yourself in the colorful worlds, & grab some popcorn. 

Dressing up allows you to step into different roles & explore your creativity.  Raid your wardrobe or visit a thrift store to find costumes & accessories that resonate with your inner child.  Let your imagination run wild.  Feel the joy of embracing a different persona & allow yourself to escape into a world of make believe.

Stephen King calls books, “A uniquely portable magic,” & I agree with him.  Revisit the stories that captivated you as a child & allow yourself to get lost in them once again.  Collect those special books.  I collect the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books I loved as a child, & reading them always brings me joy.

While childhood abuse may have robbed you of the joy & innocence of being a child, you have the power to reclaim what was lost & heal our wounded inner selves.  By embracing playfulness as adults, you can reconnect with your inner child & find solace, healing, & joy in the activities we missed out on.  Approach play with a sense of curiosity, wonder, & let go of our adult worries.  So, dust off your toys, & open your heart to play.

When You Were Abused By A Narcissistic Parent You See Things Through Their Eyes Not Your Own

One of the most devastating aspects of narcissistic abuse is the loss of individuality.  Narcissistic parents demand unwavering obedience & conformity from their children.  They view their children as mere extensions of themselves, rather than separate individuals with unique thoughts, desires, & needs.  Any sign of independence is met with punishment, ridicule, or rejection.  As a result, children learn to suppress their true selves, burying their own thoughts & desires deep within them.

Over time, they forget who they truly are.  They lose touch with their own wants & needs, constantly prioritizing the needs & desires of others.  Their sense of self becomes intertwined with their abuser’s, & they struggle to distinguish where their abusers end & they begin.  They become so accustomed to seeing themselves through their abusers’ eyes that they no longer know how to see themselves through their own. 

The narcissists’ distorted perception of reality becomes their victims’ reality.  They manipulate & gaslight victims, making them doubt their own experiences & perceptions.  They rewrite history, twisting the truth to fit their narrative.  They create a world where their needs & desires are paramount, & everyone else’s are secondary.  As a result, victims start seeing the world through the self centered lens of their narcissistic abuser.

Victims naturally start internalizing the narcissists’ belief that the world is a hostile place, full of judgment & criticism.  They become hyper aware of others’ opinions & constantly seek validation & approval.  They often develop a deep seated fear of rejection & abandonment, always on guard for any signs of disapproval or displeasure.  Their sense of self becomes intertwined with the judgments of others.  They struggle to trust their own instincts & judgment.

The world becomes a battleground, & they are constantly on the defensive.  They see threats where there are none, interpreting innocent comments or actions as personal attacks.  Many victims of narcissistic abuse become hypersensitive to criticism, taking even the slightest suggestion of improvement as a devastating blow to their self worth.  Their abusers’ voice becomes a constant presence in their mind, whispering doubts & insecurities, shaping their perceptions of themselves & the world around them.

Perhaps one of the most insidious effects of narcissistic abuse is the way it distorts their victims’ perception of other people.  Narcissistic parent’s opinions & judgments become that of their children.  They learn to like who their parents like & hate who they hate.  Their empathy & compassion are directed only towards those who align with their abuser’s worldview, while anyone who challenges or questions them becomes the enemy.

Children naturally become enmeshed in their narcissistic parents’ toxic dynamic, participating in their triangulation & manipulation of others.  They are conditioned to view relationships as power struggles, where one must always be on top & others are pawns to be used & discarded.  They struggle to form healthy connections & maintain boundaries, as they never witnessed or experienced them.

Breaking free from this distorted perception of others is a long & arduous journey.  It requires unraveling the web of lies & manipulations that narcissistic parents have woven.  It involves learning to trust your own instincts & judgments, even when they contradict your abuser’s.  It means reclaiming your empathy & compassion, extending it to others without the influence of your narcissistic parent’s prejudices.  It is a difficult process, but one that is possible & also necessary for your own healing & growth.  By recognizing the impact of narcissistic abuse & embarking on a journey of healing & self discovery, you can reclaim your own identity, reshape your worldview,  form genuine connections with others based on empathy, compassion, & authenticity & finally become the wonderful person God made you to be.

Is Being Open About Toxic Families Gossip Or A Path To Healing?

Many victims of toxic families speak openly about their experiences.  However, some people argue that discussing such abuse is shameful, gossip, or even ungodly.  I have been subjected to it myself.  Strangers as well as my own family have shamed me for not only gossiping but also “outing” my family & in-laws, being a “terrible daughter”, being a hypocrite or “bad Christian” for discussing my experiences.  But is discussing experiences with a toxic family really synonymous with spreading rumors?  Is it truly a malicious act aimed at tarnishing someone’s reputation?  No & today we will discuss why.

The first thing to consider is intent.  Those who open up about their experiences are seeking understanding & healing.  This exploration is a means of comprehending the complexities of their situation, unraveling the manipulations they have endured, & finding ways to move forward.  Discussing abuse at the hands of a toxic family is about personal growth & empowerment, not about spreading malicious rumors.

When we think of gossip, we often envision hushed conversations in which individuals revel in sharing others’ secrets, spreading rumors, & reveling in the misfortunes of others.  However, discussing toxic families does not fit this definition.  Gossip, according to Romans 1:29, involves spreading rumors.  Gossip paints the subject in a negative light while conveniently omitting one’s own shortcomings.

Victims of toxic families are not spreading rumors for personal gain or to harm their abusers.  Their intent is not to tarnish someone’s reputation but to heal from the trauma inflicted upon them.  Discussing abusive & toxic families is not about indulging in idle chatter or having malicious intent.  Instead, it is a step towards understanding & healing.

By speaking out, those abused by their toxic families also gain a deeper understanding of the manipulative tactics used against them.  They learn to recognize patterns of control, gaslighting, & emotional manipulation that they were subjected to.

Sharing stories also helps victims find validation & support.  It allows them to connect with others who have experienced similar traumas, fostering a sense of community & empathy.  Through these connections, victims realize that they are not alone, that their experiences are not isolated incidents, & that they are not to blame for the abuse they endured.

Furthermore, discussing abuse by toxic families can help others in similar situations.  By shedding light on the tactics used by such people, victims help others recognize abuse in their own situation.  It is a way of supporting & empowering others, not indulging in lurid gossip.

Some argue that discussing toxic families goes against Christian values, citing various Scriptures condemning gossip as evidence.  They clearly don’t understand the difference between gossip & discussing abuse.  They also don’t realize that there are Scriptures which condemn victims of abuse seeking support & healing.  True Christianity teaches compassion, empathy, & the importance of standing up against injustice.  Discussing abuse falls in line with these principles, as it encourages victims to seek support, find healing, & promote awareness.  By sharing their stories, victims are taking a step towards healing as well as helping others in similar situations.

Discussing toxic families is not gossip, despite misconceptions that label it as such.  Sharing stories allows victims to comprehend the dynamics of abuse, connect with others who have endured similar trauma, & empower themselves & others to break free.

Understanding The Impact Of Small Things On Relationships

Just as vineyards require careful tending to thrive, so too do relationships.  Song Of Solomon 2:15 in the Amplified Bible aptly describes the potential danger of small things in our relationships, comparing them to little foxes that spoil & ruin the vineyards of love.  While we often think of big issues like infidelity as relationship enders, it is more often the accumulation of small things that can destroy relationships.  Today, we will talk about the profound impact that seemingly insignificant actions can have on all of our relationships – romantic, friends & familial.

Imagine this scenario: your partner asks you to do something or requests that you refrain from doing something, & you choose to ignore their wishes.  It may seem inconsequential in the moment, but by disregarding their request, you are indirectly telling them that their feelings & wants mean nothing to you.  Over time, repeated instances of ignoring their requests can erode their self esteem & make them question the value of the relationship.  Each ignored request becomes a small crack in the foundation of trust & respect, slowly weakening the bond between you.

When someone we love asks us to do or not to do something, whether we agree with it or not is not as important as honoring their request.  Unless their request directly compromises our beliefs, morals or causes us harm, we must consider the impact our actions have on the relationship.  By doing so, we demonstrate our commitment to them, their well being & the connection we share.

Compromise is a fundamental aspect of any healthy relationship.  It requires both parties to consider each other’s needs, wants, & feelings, even when they may differ from our own.  When we refuse to compromise, we send a message that our desires are more important than our partner’s, which causes resentment, anger & dissatisfaction to seep into the relationship.

Compromise is not about sacrificing oneself entirely.  It is about finding a middle ground that honors both individuals’ needs & fosters a sense of equality.  By being open to compromise, we affirm our commitment to the relationship & create an environment where both partners feel valued & heard.

Small actions, or the lack thereof, carry a ripple effect that can impact various aspects of a relationship.  Neglected requests, no matter how insignificant they may seem, sow seeds of doubt, erode trust, & create a sense of emotional distance between partners.  It is essential to recognize that the accumulation of neglected requests can lead to resentment & a desire to end the relationship.

By being mindful of the impact our actions have on our partners, we can actively work towards building a strong & resilient bond.  When someone we love asks us to do or not to do something, we must recognize the significance of their request & prioritize their feelings & needs.  By doing so, we nurture the relationship, ensuring that they blossom & flourish rather than wither away.

While it is easy to overlook the power of small things in relationships, they have the potential to make or break the connection we share with our loved ones.  As Song Of Solomon 2:15 warns, little things cause a lot of damage.  By paying attention to the requests of our partners, honoring their needs, & being willing to compromise, we can strengthen the foundation of trust, respect, & love. We must be mindful of the small actions we take & nourish our relationships with care to help our relationships thrive.

Life With An Enmeshed Spouse

Being with someone who is enmeshed with their family is a miserable experience.  Their family always comes before you, no matter what.  This means that if you are sick & so is your spouse’s parent, they will be the one to receive your spouse’s attention & help, even if their illness isn’t serious & yours is.  If you have plans for a romantic anniversary next Saturday but your in-laws want a ceiling fan installed, that fan gets installed before you can spend time together.

When a person’s spouse is part of an enmeshed family, their family takes up almost all the space in the relationship.  This is ungodly, unbiblical & it’s dangerous to your marriage.  Toxic in-laws & dysfunctional spouses who refuse to see the situation for what it is are responsible for a lot of divorces.  A quick internet search I did suggested 20-28% of divorces are due to in-law problems.

One of the saddest problems of having an enmeshed spouse is how you shrink yourself.  You learn quickly that your in-laws always come first over you, & that asking your spouse to do things for or with you burdens them &/or starts an argument.  Shrinking yourself is a natural side effect of this lifestyle.  You stop complaining because it doesn’t help.  Your spouse soon realizes that you won’t ask them to do things for or with you often, so they have more time to do whatever they want for their enmeshed family.  They also feel validated for their behavior being ok, because you stopped complaining, so they continue to focus on their family.  You also love your spouse so you naturally have no desire to burden them further.  They already have more than enough to do, what with catering to their demanding family, & it’s very obvious that isn’t going to change.  Rather than put more on them, it’s only natural to avoid asking your spouse for things & taking care of everything yourself.  Sadly this well meaning gesture makes a person shrink more & more until they are a shell of their former self. 

Shrinking yourself means losing sight of some pretty wonderful things.

You lose sight of the realization that your life is yours, & no one else should have such power over it.  Your spouse may want to sacrifice his or her life for them, but you don’t have to.

You lose sight of the fact that you have every right to have needs, & expect your spouse to meet some of those needs.  You aren’t wrong, selfish or demanding for wanting to spend time with your spouse or expecting this person to keep you as their top priority.

You lose sight of yourself, & all the wonderful things that make you, you.  You, in fact, lose yourself.  By trying so hard to be a good spouse by not adding any further responsibilities to your spouse, you shrink yourself so much that you are no longer you.  I know, I have done this!  I also can tell you that it’s no way to live.  God made you as He did for valid reasons.  Don’t let that special, wonderful person He made go any longer!  Get that person back!  It will take time & effort, but you can do it with His help!

Also remember, you can’t change your spouse.  They have to want to change & put forth the effort to make healthy changes.  You can set the stage for them to change by having healthy boundaries & giving reasonable consequences for their behavior, but whether or not they change is up to them, not you.  What is up to you is deciding whether or not you are willing to live this way, & if you want to stay with your spouse.

Lastly never forget that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, & courtesy by your spouse.  Wanting such things doesn’t make you demanding, badgering or even “too much.”  It makes you a human being aware of what they deserve.