The Shadow Of Ongoing Trauma – Common Physical Symptoms

When someone has experienced ongoing trauma, it affects our mind & body. Today, we will explore some of the common physical symptoms that victims of abuse may experience after trauma.

Keep in mind each individual’s experience with trauma is unique, & not everyone will exhibit the same symptoms.  They also may vary in intensity & duration. 

One of the most unsettling physical symptoms that victims of ongoing trauma often experience is a rapid heartbeat.  This is a result of the body’s natural response to stress.  When faced with trauma, our sympathetic nervous system goes into overdrive, triggering the release of stress hormones like adrenaline.  This surge in hormones heightens our senses, preparing us to protect ourselves.  However, after the danger has passed, the body may struggle to return to a calm state, leading to a prolonged rapid heartbeat.

Alongside a racing heart, victim may have trouble regulating their body temperature, oscillating between sweating & chills.  It’s as if hot flashes & cold shivers are vying for dominance.  This dysregulation of body temperature is closely linked to the dysregulation of the autonomic nervous system, which governs our body’s involuntary functions.  Trauma disrupts this delicate balance, often leaving victims to grapple with temperature dysregulation.

High blood pressure, another common physical symptom after ongoing trauma, can feel like an invisible straitjacket tightening around your chest.  The body’s trauma response triggers a surge in blood pressure to prepare for fighting the perceived threat.  However, when trauma is a constant companion, this heightened blood pressure can persist.  Over time, this can lead to serious health problems, such as heart disease & stroke.

Headaches often take up residence in the lives of trauma victims.  These headaches can arise from various sources, including muscle tension, anxiety, & changes in blood flow.  The constant state of hyper-vigilance that trauma survivors find themselves in often leads to muscle tension, particularly in the neck & shoulders, which can trigger tension headaches.  The persistent stress & anxiety resulting from trauma also can cause blood vessels in the brain to constrict, leading to vascular headaches. 

Tremors, the uncontrollable shaking of the body, often arise from the lingering hyper arousal state that trauma victims experience.  When the sympathetic nervous system remains on high alert for a long time, the body becomes flooded with stress hormones, causing muscle tension & tremors.  These tremors can range from mild to severe.

Sleep becomes an elusive dream for many victims of trauma.  Insomnia, the inability to fall asleep, not being able to stay asleep, & nightmares become unwelcome bedfellows.  Trauma disrupts the delicate balance of our sleep wake cycle.  Vivid & haunting nightmares can replay traumatic events or trigger emotions similar to ones experienced during trauma. The lack of quality sleep perpetuates a vicious cycle of fatigue, weakness, & emotional turmoil.

Fatigue naturally accompanies ongoing trauma.  The body, perpetually on high alert, expends copious amounts of energy surviving trauma then navigating the complex aftermath.  The exhaustion that ensues is not merely physical but also emotional & mental.  Trauma requires immense strength to survive it then to cope with the harrowing memories. 

Accompanying fatigue is a feeling of being drained, both physically & emotionally.  This weakness manifests itself not only in physical form but also in victims’ ability to trust & engage with the world around them. 

These physical symptoms can manifest immediately after trauma or persist long after the event has passed.  They are the body’s way of communicating the profound impact that trauma has had.  Understanding these symptoms is crucial not only for victims but also for those who support & care for them.

A Little About Attachment Styles

Understanding attachment styles can provide valuable insights into the dynamics of relationships. Attachment styles, as defined by psychologists, are patterns of behavior & beliefs that are formed in early childhood & continue to shape our relationships throughout our lives. These styles can be categorized into four main types: secure, anxious, disorganized, & avoidant. Each style comes with its own characteristics, strengths, & challenges.

Attachment styles primarily refer to romantic relationships, but I believe can refer to other relationships as well, such as familial & friendships. Today, I will refer to them in general, not only as they relate to romantic relationships.

In the realm of attachment styles, secure attachment is the ideal. Those with secure attachment styles are characterized by their ability to form & maintain healthy relationships. They are caring, loving, & trusting, with a strong sense of self worth & are comfortable with both intimacy & independence in all of their closeest relationships.

Healthy boundaries are key in secure attachment. Securely attached people are proficient at setting boundaries & respecting the boundaries of their partners. They understand the importance of open & honest communication, & work to have trust & transparency as the foundation in their relationships. Secure people also are able to forgive & move forward.

Unlike secure attachment, anxious attachment is characterized by a deep rooted fear of abandonment & a constant need for reassurance. Those with an anxious attachment style often display people pleasing tendencies to gain approval from the other people in their relationships. They are highly sensitive to any signs of rejection or criticism, leading to heightened anxiety within the relationship for them as well as the other person who is afraid of hurting them.

Those with this attachment style may struggle to assert their needs & desires, often sacrificing their own well being to maintain the relationship. This easily can lead to dependency & emotional volatility.

To create a healthier attachment style, practicing self compassion & repairing wounded self esteem are vital in overcoming fears & creating a more secure foundation for their relationships.

Disorganized attachment is the most challenging attachment style. People with this type of attachment show a lack of empathy, finding it difficult to form deep emotional connections. They often have experienced trauma or neglect in their early years, leading to a profound mistrust of others & a fear of true intimacy.

While disorganized attachment may present as a desire for closeness, fear prevents them from fully engaging in relationships. They push others away or engage in self sabotaging behaviors as a means of protecting themselves from potential pain. The lack of trust & difficulty with true intimacy creates turbulent & unpredictable dynamic within their relationships.

For those with disorganized attachment, healing & personal growth are crucial, as is learning to embrace vulnerability.

Avoidant attachment is characterized by emotional distance, a strong sense of independence, prioritizing logic over emotion, & keeping their feelings at arm’s length. They struggle with expressing vulnerability or connecting on a deeper emotional level. Extreme independence is another defining characteristic of avoidant attachment. They resist relying on others or seeking emotional support, fearing a loss of independence or potential disappointment.

Finding a balance between independence & emotional connection is necessary. Recognizing & challenging underlying fears that drive their avoidance, engaging in open & honest communication, as well as practicing vulnerability, can help those with avoidant attachment create healthy emotional intimacy.

Understanding attachment styles provides valuable insights into how we can love & support those in relationships with us. Whether you are learning your attachment style or that of someone else, try to look at the situation objectively, without judgment or emotion in order to learn. And never, ever forget to ask God to show you the truth as well as what to do with what you learn if you wish to reap the most benefits from this knowledge!

Nothing Is Hidden From God So Why Not Just Be Completely Honest With Him

Have you ever felt the weight of a secret weighing you down?  It’s a horrible feeling!  But here’s the thing: nothing is hidden from God.  Proverbs 5:21 in the Amplified Bible reminds us that “the ways of man are directly before the eyes of the Lord, & He carefully watches all of his paths.”

Psalm 139:1 & 4 further emphasize this truth.  They say, “O Lord, you have searched me [thoroughly] & have known me.  Even before there is a word on my tongue [still unspoken], Behold, O Lord, You know it all.”  These verses remind us that God sees & knows everything about us, even the thoughts & intentions of our hearts.  So, instead of trying to hide our faults & sins, it’s best to be honest & admit them, knowing that God already sees & knows.

We might believe that if we keep our sins & faults concealed, we can avoid facing the consequences.  However, this mindset is both foolish & futile.  God sees through our façade, & no matter how hard we try to hide, we cannot escape that.

Imagine a child playing a game of hide-and-seek with their loving parent.  The child may think they have found the perfect hiding spot, but the parent knows exactly where the child is.  In the same way, God, our Heavenly Father, sees through our attempts to hide.  He sees the truth of who we are, & He loves us anyway.

When we try to hide our faults & sins, we not only deceive ourselves but also distance ourselves from the healing & restoration that God wants to offer us.  By being honest with Him, we open the door for His grace & forgiveness to transform us from the inside out.  God already knows our weaknesses, & yet, He still extends His love & mercy towards us.

Being honest with God can be challenging & vulnerable.  We may fear His judgment or worry about disappointing Him.  However, God is a loving & compassionate Father who desires a genuine relationship with us.  He already knows our faults & sins, & He invites us to bring them before Him.

I remember a time when I found it difficult to pray for someone who had wronged me.  I felt guilty for my lack of compassion & struggled to admit my reluctance to God.  But when I finally found the courage to be honest with Him, I experienced His grace in a profound way.  Instead of shaming me, God embraced me with His love & understanding.  He showed me that He values truth & appreciates our honesty, even when it reveals our shortcomings.

When we are honest with God, we open the door for Him to work in our lives.  We invite Him into the depths of our hearts, allowing Him to transform us & mold us into the people He created us to be.  By being transparent with God, we create space for His healing, forgiveness, & restoration.

Being honest with God not only strengthens our relationship with Him but also sets us free.  When we try to hide our faults & sins, we carry the weight of guilt & shame.  We live in constant fear, & this hinders our growth & joy.

However, when we lay our faults & sins before God, we experience true freedom.  We no longer need to hide behind a façade of pretending to have it all together.  Instead, we can be authentic & vulnerable, knowing that God accepts us as we are.  We can bring our weaknesses & struggles to Him, confident that He will meet us with His love & understanding.

Honesty with God also opens the door for transformation.  As we confess our faults & sins, God’s grace renews & changes us.  We become more aware of His presence & guidance in our daily lives, & we grow in our ability to live according to His will.  The freedom that comes from honesty with God is truly liberating.

Nothing is hidden from God.  He sees & knows every single thing about us.  Instead of trying to hide our faults & sins, it is best to be honest with Him.  Enjoy the freedom that comes from being honest with our loving Heavenly Father, knowing that He appreciates & values our honesty.

The Difference Between Forgiveness & Trust

Forgiveness & trust are two interconnected yet distinct concepts that play a significant role in relationships. As Christians, we are often encouraged to forgive, but it is crucial to understand that forgiveness does not automatically involve trust.

Imagine a close friend who repeatedly betrayed your trust. They have broken promises, revealed your secrets, or consistently made hurtful remarks. Despite your genuine desire to forgive them, you find it increasingly difficult to trust them. That is normal & also wise!  The truth is, forgiveness & trust are separate entities. Forgiveness frees us from the weight of anger & resentment. Trust is a foundational element of healthy relationships that is earned through consistent behavior & genuine remorse & change when mistakes are made.

Forgiveness does not require feeling affectionately towards someone who has hurt us. Instead, it is about releasing them from the expectation of making it up to us for the pain they have caused. No action is required on the offender’s part. This does not mean blindly trusting someone who has repeatedly hurt us, especially when they are aware of their actions yet make no changes. Trust requires consistent effort & genuine remorse from the other person.

Forgiveness liberates us from the negative emotions associated with past hurts & abuses. By forgiving someone, we release the burden of anger, resentment, & desire for revenge. It allows us to prioritize our emotional well being over holding onto grudges.

Holding onto anger & resentment only perpetuates our own suffering. It does not punish for the other person but rather limits our own happiness & growth. By forgiving, we break free from this & create space for healing. Forgiveness does not require forgetting or condoning the actions of others; it simply allows us to release the negative emotions associated with those actions.

Forgiveness also fosters empathy & compassion. It helps us understand that everyone is capable of making mistakes. By forgiving, we choose to see the humanity in others & recognize that they too are on their own journey of growth & self discovery. It opens up the possibility for reconciliation & rebuilding relationships based on trust, should the other person demonstrate genuine remorse & consistent change.

Trust is different. It is a crucial component of healthy relationships that requires consistent effort & genuine remorse. Trust easily can be broken but takes time & consistent actions to rebuild. When someone repeatedly hurts us, especially knowingly, it becomes challenging to trust them again, not to mention unwise.

To trust someone, their actions must align with their words over an extended period. Trust requires consistent behavior that demonstrates growth, change, & empathy. Someone who repeatedly causes pain without genuine remorse or effort to change does not deserve trust.

While forgiveness allows us to let go of negative emotions, protecting ourselves from repetitive hurt is equally important. By withholding trust from someone who has repeatedly hurt us, we set healthy boundaries & prioritize our well being. Trust is not an entitlement; it is a privilege that must be earned through consistent actions & genuine remorse.

As Christians, we are called to forgive & show compassion to others. However, this does not mean exposing ourselves to repetitive harm or relinquishing the need for self protection. It is essential to strike a balance between forgiveness & self preservation. By setting healthy boundaries & protecting ourselves from repetitive hurt, we prioritize our well being without compromising values. We can forgive someone without trusting them & maintaining a safe distance. It is crucial to remember that forgiveness is a personal journey, & trust must be earned, allowing us to strike a balance between compassion & self protection.

Forgiveness & trust are two distinct concepts that require careful consideration in relationships. By understanding the difference between forgiveness & trust, we can maintain balance, prioritize our well being & have healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

The Hidden Truth Behind Rage

Have you ever wondered why you react so angrily & even uncontrollably to certain things, even when you know that they shouldn’t bother you so much? The truth is, rage is a complex emotion that often stems from deep-seated issues that have been buried within us over many years.

Rage is more than just a spontaneous burst of anger – it is a deeply ingrained emotional response that can be triggered by a variety of underlying factors.

One common cause of rage is a fear of abandonment, which can stem from past experiences of rejection or neglect. When we feel abandoned or unloved, we may lash out in anger automatically as a way to protect ourselves from further hurt.

Another root cause of rage is a feeling of helplessness. When we feel like we have no control over our lives or our circumstances, we may react with rage as a way to assert our power & regain a sense of control. This often manifests in outbursts of anger or aggression towards others, even when they are not directly responsible for our feelings of helplessness.

Feeling hopelessness is another reason behind rage. It is so frustrating to feel there is no hope. That is normal. Equally normal is feeling rage when faced with what feels like another hopeless situation after facing many of them in the past.

For many people, rage can be traced back to childhood trauma & abuse. When a child experiences abuse or neglect at a young age, they may grow up with deep emotional wounds.  This happens because children do not have the coping skills necessary to heal, plus they are too busy trying to survive their situation to have the time to devote to healing even if they did have the necessary coping skills. These unresolved traumas can create insecurity & fear that can manifest as rage in adulthood.

When someone who has been abused as a child encounters a situation that triggers their old wounds, they may unconsciously react with rage as a way to protect themselves from further harm. This can create a vicious cycle of anger & aggression that is impossible to break without proper healing.

It is important to understand that rage is often a reflection of that abused child inside who is still wounded & hurting. Even though the person we are raging at may not intend to hurt us, that part of us that remains an abused child may perceive them as a threat & respond accordingly. This is why it is crucial to address the root causes of our rage & work towards healing those deep emotional wounds.

Healing from rage involves acknowledging past traumas & working through the pain & hurt that we have carried for so long. By addressing the root causes of rage & learning healthier ways to cope with triggers & emotions, we can break free from the cycle of anger & aggression.

By exploring emotions & learning to express them in a healthy way, we can begin to unravel the layers of rage that have built up over time. It is important to be patient & compassionate with ourselves as we navigate this challenging journey towards healing. To do this, having a close relationship with God is invaluable. Asking Him to tell you the truth & help you to heal will help more than anything else. It also can help to have a journal, practice good self care & have supportive & non judgmental people in your life to talk to.

In conclusion, rage is a complex emotion that often stems from past trauma & unresolved emotional wounds. By understanding the root causes of our rage & working towards healing those root causes, we can free from rage. Remember, it is never too late to start healing & reclaiming your emotional well-being.

Habits Of Those Who Grow Up With Emotionally Incestuous Parents

Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, parentification, & parentalizing is a form of abuse that occurs when a parent uses their child for emotional support & companionship beyond what is appropriate.  This can lead to a host of negative consequences for the child, including the development of maladaptive coping mechanisms & difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life.  Today we’ll be discussing some of the most common ways in which adult children of emotional incest are affected.

Adult children of emotional incest often feel a sense of responsibility for fixing everyone & everything around them.  This can manifest in a variety of ways, from feeling like it’s their job to fix other people’s moods & problems to obsessing over minor details & feeling overwhelmed by imperfection.  This trait is often born out of the child’s experience of being the emotional support for their parent, leading them to believe that they are responsible for keeping everyone’s emotions in check.

One way that this manifests is in a tendency to panic when things aren’t perfect.  For example, someone may become extremely anxious if a party they are hosting doesn’t go exactly as planned, or if they perceive that someone is upset with them for any reason.  This can lead to a lot of stress & anxiety, as well as a tendency to engage in people-pleasing behaviors in an attempt to keep everything running smoothly.

Another manifestation of the fixer mentality is a focus on minor details, rather than the big picture.  Someone who struggles with this may spend hours obsessing over the perfect font for a presentation, rather than focusing on the content itself. 

Another common trait of adult children of emotional incest is a struggle with boundaries.  When a parent relies on their child for emotional support, it can be difficult for the child to learn how to say no & set healthy boundaries.  This leads to a variety of negative consequences, including a tendency to take on too much responsibility & difficulty admitting when they have needs or are struggling.

For example, someone who struggles with boundaries may find themselves taking on responsibility for other people’s problems, even when it is not their place to do so.  This naturally leads to burnout & a feeling of being overwhelmed, as well as resentment towards the people they are trying to help.

Adult children of emotional incest also struggle to ask for help when they need it.  This stems from a belief that their needs are not important, or that they should be able to handle everything on their own.  This belief leads to a feeling of isolation & a tendency to push people away, as well as difficulty forming close relationships.

Another common trait of adult children of emotional incest is a tendency to over-apologize.  When a parent relies on their child for emotional support, the child may learn to take responsibility for things that are not their fault.  This leads to a belief that they are always in the wrong, even when they have done nothing to cause the problem.

For example, someone who struggles with over-apologizing may find themselves apologizing for things that are not their fault, such as the weather or a traffic jam, which leads to a feeling of being constantly on edge, as well as a tendency to blame themselves for things that are outside of their control.

Additionally, over-apologizing can lead to a lack of trust in oneself.  When someone is always apologizing, it can be difficult for them to believe in their own abilities & judgment.  This can lead to a feeling of being stuck, as well as difficulty making decisions & taking action.

Finally, adult children of emotional incest also struggle with validation seeking.  When a parent relies on their child for emotional support, the child may learn to seek validation from others in order to feel worthy & loved, which naturally leads to a tendency to prioritize others’ feelings over their own, as well as putting too much weight on other people’s opinions & approval.

For example, someone who struggles with validation seeking may find themselves constantly seeking approval from their boss, even if it means sacrificing their own needs & desires.  This can lead to a feeling of being stuck in a job they hate, as well as a tendency to feel resentful towards the people they are trying to please.

Additionally, validation seeking also leads to a lack of self-acceptance.  When someone is constantly seeking validation from others, it can be difficult for them to accept themselves for who they are. 

Adult children of emotional incest face a variety of challenges as they navigate the world.  However, with awareness & support, it is possible to overcome these challenges & develop healthy coping mechanisms that lead to a fulfilling & satisfying life.

The Lasting Impact Of Childhood Abuse

As a survivor of childhood abuse, I know firsthand the devastating effects it can have on a person’s physical & mental health, as well as their relationships.  The trauma inflicted during those crucial years leaves scars that last a lifetime.  Today we’ll talk about the various ways in which childhood abuse can shape a person’s life & the challenges they face as a result.

The physical effects of childhood abuse can manifest in many ways.  Most victims struggle with sleep problems, such as insomnia or nightmares.  Others may develop eating disorders, such as anorexia or bulimia, as a way to cope with the trauma.  Eating disorders can give a person a false sense of having some control over their life, as well as be used as a way to silently rebel against abusive parents.  That was my experience when I suffered through anorexia at age ten, then bulimia later on.  Additionally, victims may be at a higher risk for heart problems, such as hypertension or heart disease.  Chronic pain & inflammatory disorders, such as arthritis or fibromyalgia, also have been linked to childhood abuse.  I was diagnosed with arthritis when I was only thirty one.

The impact of childhood abuse on mental health is especially profound.  Victims may struggle with PTSD or Complex PTSD, which cause flashbacks, anxiety, trouble regulating emotions, a lack of trust of other people & a host of other terrible symptoms.  Depression & suicidal ideation are also common among victims, as well as feelings of low self esteem, shame, & difficulty coping with stress.  Personally, I struggled with depression & anxiety ever since I can remember.  Then I developed all of the symptoms of C-PTSD when I was in my early forties.

Childhood abuse also has a significant impact on a person’s relationships.  Victims are much more likely to marry abusive partners or find themselves attracted to toxic people for romance or friendship.  Teen promiscuity & pregnancy are also more common among victims, as they are trying to find someone to love them. Divorce is also common.  Another common problem victims face is the tendency to lose oneself in relationships.  I have been in countless relationships with people who were emotionally unavailable or even abusive, including one ex husband.  I had no idea what healthy boundaries were, & felt like if I didn’t always put others’ needs before my own, I was unreasonable & selfish.  Abusive people, in particular narcissists, were very attracted to this, & used this to their advantage.

If any of this describes you, know that you’re not alone & you can heal.  It will take a close relationship with God,time & effort, but you can learn healthy habits to help your body, mind & relationships. 

Signs You Grew Up Subjected To Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that leaves a person doubting their own perceptions, feelings, & even sanity.  It occurs when someone manipulates another person into questioning their own reality, making them feel like they are losing their mind.  Gaslighting is a common tactic used by abusers, & it often occurs within families.

Gaslighting families work to convince everyone that everything that happens in their family is normal & good, including abuse.  Those subjected to it grow up thinking, “Am I the only one who feels like this is wrong?”  “Am I crazy?”  “Why am I upset about this?”  This leads to intense self-l doubt & has long term effects on a person’s mental health.

Today, we’ll discuss some signs that you grew up with gaslighting, & some tips on how to counter the effects of this cruel form of emotional abuse.

Gaslighting can take many forms, & it’s not always easy to recognize when it’s happening.  There are some signs that you may have grown up with gaslighting…

You constantly question your own reality: If you find yourself constantly questioning your own beliefs & perceptions, it is a sign that you grew up with gaslighting. 

You feel like you’re always walking on eggshells:  If you feel like you need to be careful about what you say or do around certain people, it’s a sign that you grew up with gaslighting. 

You have a hard time trusting your own instincts: Gaslighting makes you doubt your own instincts & intuition.  This leads to confusion & uncertainty, which makes it hard to make decisions.

If you grew up with gaslighting, there are things you can do to counter the effects of this form of emotional abuse. 

Understand reality: Gaslighting can make it hard to know what’s real & what’s not.  To counter this, try to look at things logically without emotion & see if things make sense.

Distance yourself from the gaslighting: If possible, distance yourself from the people who are gaslighting you.  This can help you to gain perspective & clarity.

Ask safe people for their thoughts: It can be helpful to talk to people you trust about your experiences.  They can provide a different perspective & help you to see things more clearly.

Pray for clarity: Prayer is invaluable when dealing with the effects of gaslighting.  Ask God to give you clarity & help you to see the truth & to see things as they really are.

Gaslighting is an especially malicious form of emotional abuse that can have long lasting effects on a person’s mental health.  If you grew up with gaslighting, it’s important to recognize the signs & take steps to counter the effects.  By understanding reality, distancing yourself from the gaslighting, asking safe people for their thoughts, & praying for clarity, you can begin to heal from the effects of this form of emotional abuse.

Behaviors In Relationships You May Not Know Are Actually Abusive

In any relationship, both parties should feel valued, respected, & supported.  When subtle signs of abuse begin to emerge, it can be challenging to identify them, leading to potential emotional damage. 

One of the fundamental aspects of a healthy relationship is a mutual give-and-take where both individuals’ needs are considered important.  One subtle sign of abuse occurs when one person consistently prioritizes their needs over the other’s, even when they know doing so hurts the other person.  This imbalance leads to feeling neglected & resentment, & can lead to the end of the relationship.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which one person denies their actions or alters reality to make the other person question their perception of events.  This insidious behavior naturally leads to confusion, self doubt, & a sense of powerlessness in the targeted victim.  This distorting the truth undermines the victim’s trust in their own judgment.

Controlling behaviors in a relationship can manifest in subtle ways that may not be immediately apparent.  For instance, a manipulative person may forbid their partner from engaging in activities that do not benefit them or insist on actions that serve their own interests, even knowing the behavior will hurt the victim somehow.  This form of control often is done under the guise of care, making it not appear abusive when it truly is.

Another abusive dynamic often involves constantly changing expectations that leave one person feeling inadequate & insecure.  The manipulator may set unattainable standards or move the goals to ensure that their partner never feels good enough.  This abusive behavior greatly damages a victim’s self esteem.

Criticism, when used constructively, can help people to grow & improve.  However, when criticism becomes a tool for manipulation & control, it has detrimental effects.  An abusive, manipulative person may criticize the other person in the relationship relentlessly while claiming it is attempt to help.

In an abusive relationship, one may find themselves walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring their words & actions out of fear of the other’s reactions.  This atmosphere of tension & apprehension stifles communication, breeds anxiety, & erodes self esteem.  The fear of setting off an unpredictable or disproportionate response also leads to emotional suppression & detachment.

Another subtle sign of abuse is when one person consistently minimizes or dismisses the other’s feelings.  By labeling their feelings as oversensitive or irrational, the abuser undermines their validity.  This invalidation will create a sense of isolation & self-doubt in the one whose feelings are being disregarded.

Blame & shame are often used as tools of manipulation in abusive relationships.  The manipulator may shift responsibility onto the other for issues that are not their fault, leading to guilt & self blame.  By shaming the other person for natural emotional responses or perceived shortcomings, the abuser maintains control & diminishes their partner’s confidence.

Affection is a crucial component of a healthy relationship, providing emotional support & intimacy.  However, abusers use affection as a form of manipulation.  They may withhold affection as a punishment for not complying with their desires or overwhelm their partner with affection when they behave in a desired manner.  This conditional display of love undermines genuine emotional connection.

Recognizing the subtle signs of abuse in relationships is imperative for maintaining emotional well being & fostering healthy relationships.  By being aware of subtle abusive behaviors, people can identify potential red flags & take steps to protect themselves. 

The Impact Of Enmeshed Mothers On Men

Enmeshment occurs when a mother fails to establish healthy emotional boundaries with her child.  She treats him more like a partner than her child, expecting him to care for her instead of the other way around.  This toxic & abusive behavior leads to a tremendous amount of dysfunction that continues into adulthood.  Today, we’ll focus on how it affects men specifically.

For men with such mothers, carrying the deep insecurity enmeshment causes becomes the norm, affecting their relationships in profound ways.  Any perceived threat of abandonment terrifies them, & even the slightest criticism wounds them to the core.  As a result, they lash out, pushing people away.  It is vital for men to recognize the truth of their toxic upbringing & acknowledge the abuse inflicted upon them so they can begin the journey towards healing.

Enmeshed mothers use love & affection as a tool for control, leaving their sons in a constant state of uncertainty.  These mothers intertwine their lives with their sons’, blurring the lines between their own identities & those of their children.  This manifests in various ways, such as excessive emotional dependence, over involvement in their sons’ lives, & a lack of boundaries.

Within this suffocating environment, a man’s sense of self becomes intertwined with his mother’s approval & love.  He learns to constantly seek validation from her, never sure if he will receive it.  This insecurity seeps into his relationships, & he does not trust that others genuinely care for him.  The fear of abandonment or rejection becomes consuming.

Enmeshed mothers are extremely manipulative.  She uses guilt or passive aggressive tactics to keep her son close, ensuring he remains dependent on her.  This manipulation makes the son’s insecurity grow, making him increasingly vulnerable to her control.

The insecurity instilled by an enmeshed mother has a profound impact on a man’s ability to form & maintain healthy relationships.  The fear of abandonment & rejection makes his need for constant validation overwhelming.  No one can meet such a need, & when they fail, he becomes disappointed with them. 

Enmeshed mothers naturally hate their son’s wives, viewing them as competition, so they often make matters worse by insulting her to him & treating her very badly.  This  creates problems within the son’s marriage.

Also, any perceived criticism, no matter how minor or how gently said, wounds these men deeply.  They react with anger or defensiveness.  This defensive behavior further distances them from their partners, leading to conflict & emotional withdrawal.

Many partners decide to leave, & the fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces the man’s belief that he is unworthy of love & incapable of maintaining relationships.

Recognizing the truth about enmeshment is essential for victims of enmeshed mothers.  They need to understand that the shame lies with the mother for the abuse she inflicted, not with the son.  Accepting this truth allows men to shed false guilt & begin their healing.

Prayer is absolutely vital on this journey.  God knows more than any human, & can help victims like no one else can.  He has helped & taught me more than I can describe on my healing journey, & will do the same for anyone!

Seeking therapy can teach men to set & maintain boundaries, establish their own identities, & build a foundation of self worth that is independent of their mothers’ opinions.

Online communities or support groups can help men learn & heal from the abuse as well as find friends who understand. These connections also remind men that they are not alone.  I have a Facebook group called “Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug” with several members who have experienced exactly this situation.

Men who grew up with enmeshed mothers face unique challenges in their relationships due to their abusive upbringing.  However, healing is possible.  There is no shame in admitting the abuse.  The shame lies solely with these toxic mothers.  It is time for these victimized men to reclaim their identities & break free from the chains of enmeshment.

Honoring Abusive Parents Is Possible But Not Always What People Think It Should Be

I have been accused countless times of failing to honor my parents & even hating them because of the topics of my writing.  However, that’s not true.  God has shown me that honoring  parents is very possible, but it is not always what people think it is.  It is about respecting their position in your life, treating them respectfully, wanting the best for them, & appreciating any good in them. 

As a Christian & a victim of narcissistic abuse, I have struggled with this concept for a long time.  Thankfully, God showed me how to honor my parents even after cutting off contact with them.

When we think of honoring our parents, many people associate it with blind obedience & complete submission to their will even as adults with our own lives.  However, this inaccurate view is very harmful, especially in cases of abusive parents.  Honoring parents does not mean tolerating abuse or sacrificing our own well being. 

For me, honoring my parents means acknowledging their role as my parents & recognizing the impact they had on my life, both positive & negative.  It meant accepting that they were flawed individuals who made very poor choices, but they still influenced who I am today. 

Respecting their position in my life also meant setting boundaries & prioritizing my own well being.  It meant recognizing that I deserved to be treated with love, kindness, & respect, just like anyone else.  By doing so, I was able to honor them by encouraging them to treat me better with consequences for my healthy boundaries.

After my parents passed away, I struggled with the idea of honoring their memory.  It felt strange at first to appreciate their positive contributions while acknowledging the pain they caused.  Especially because their deaths brought back so many bad memories.  Honoring their memory did not mean condoning their actions or excusing their abuse.

One way I found to honor my parents was by appreciating the things they taught me.  My father, for example, taught me about cars.  Despite the difficult relationship we had, I still appreciate all he taught me & I love cars.  It was a way of acknowledging his influence on my life while doing something I genuinely enjoyed.

Similarly, my mother taught me to crochet when I was five years old.  Crocheting became a favorite hobby of mine that I still enjoy.  After her passing, I stumbled upon a pretty doily she made & a second that she had started but never finished.  I decided to complete it as a way of honoring her.  It was a bittersweet experience that allowed me to appreciate the skill she gave me & the joy I found in crocheting.  A picture of them is at the bottom of this post.

Honoring parents is a complex & deeply personal journey, especially for those who have experienced narcissistic abuse.  It is possible to redefine honor & respect in a way that prioritizes our own well being while acknowledging the role our parents played in our lives.  Finding ways to appreciate the skills they taught us or engaging in activities they influenced, can be a meaningful way to honor them without compromising our own healing.

What Exactly Is Self Love?

It’s easy to throw around the term “self love” these days, but what does it really mean?  Is it just bubble baths & pep talking yourself?  Or, is it something much deeper?  Self love is not just a feel-good buzzword.  It’s a way of life that can help you live a more fulfilling & authentic life. 

Self love starts with being your authentic self.  This means embracing who you truly are, flaws & all.  It means not trying to be someone else to please others or fit in.  It means being honest with yourself & others about your feelings, thoughts, & beliefs.  When you are your authentic self, you are living in alignment with your values & priorities.  Being your authentic self can be scary, especially if you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse.  It means putting yourself out there & risking rejection.  It’s worth it though.  When you are true to yourself, you attract people who accept & appreciate you for who you really are.  You also feel more confident & self-assured.

To become more authentic, start by reflecting on who you truly are.  Ask yourself some questions like, what are your values, passions, & priorities?  What makes you unique? Then, start showing up as that person in your daily life.  Speak up when you have something to say.  Embrace your quirks.  Pursue your passions.  The more you embrace your authentic self, the more self love you will cultivate.

We all make mistakes.  It’s a natural part of being human.  When we beat ourselves up for those mistakes, we are not practicing self love.  Part of self love is forgiving yourself for your mistakes & moving on.  Forgiveness is not about excusing bad behavior or pretending that everything is ok.  It’s about acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility for your actions, & moving forward in a positive direction.  When you forgive yourself, you release the negative emotions that are holding you back & create space for self love & growth.

To forgive yourself, start by acknowledging your mistakes.  Take responsibility for what happened & apologize if necessary to others & even to yourself.  Then, focus on what you can learn from the experience & how you can grow from it.  Remember that mistakes are often opportunities for growth & self-improvement.

Self love also means taking care of your mental & physical health.  This includes getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, & taking care of your emotional well being.

Self care is not selfish.  It’s essential for your overall health & well-being.  When you take care of yourself, you have more energy, feel stronger mentally & physically, & are better able to handle stress & challenges.

Practice mindfulness to reduce stress & improve your emotional well being.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  Whether it’s seeing a therapist or reaching out to a friend, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Self love is not a one time event or only one thing you can do for yourself.  It’s a lifelong journey of self discovery, growth, & acceptance.  When you practice self love, you are living a life that is true to your values & priorities.  You are living a life that is fulfilling, joyful, & authentic.

Today, I want to encourage you to take the first step on your journey of self love.  Embrace your authentic self.  Forgive yourself for your mistakes.  Take care of your mental & physical health.  Always remember, self love is not selfish.  It’s essential.

About Adult Bullies

Victims of bullying & abuse understand all too well the devastating impact it can have on one’s mental & emotional well being.  While we often associate bullying with the playground or high school, the sad reality is that it can happen to anyone, at any age.  Adult bullies are a growing problem in our society, & their behavior can take many forms, from subtle manipulation to outright aggression.  Today, we’ll explore the nature of adult bullying, its causes & consequences, & most importantly, how to confront & overcome it.

Adult bullies come in all shapes & sizes, & their tactics can be hard to spot at first.  Some use verbal abuse, constantly criticizing or demeaning their victims, while others use more subtle tactics like veiled threats, or making a person believe they’ll lose something or someone they love.  Some bullies prefer physical violence or the threat of it to intimidate their victims.

Regardless of the tactics they use, adult bullies often share one thing in common: they feel insecure or powerless in their own lives & use bullying as a way to feel more powerful & in control.  For example, a boss who bullies his employees may be afraid of losing control of his company or being seen as weak.  A spouse who bullies their partner may be afraid of being alone or losing control of the relationship.  Whatever the underlying fear, adult bullies use victims as a way to feel more secure & in control of their lives.

The impact of adult bullying can be profound & long lasting.  Victims may experience anxiety, depression, low self esteem, & a host of other mental & emotional issues.  They may feel isolated & alone, as bullies often try to cut them off from friends & family.  Victims also may suffer physical harm, either from the bullying itself or from the stress & anxiety it causes.

The impact of adult bullying is not just limited to the victim.  It can also have a ripple effect on those around them.  Consider a boss who bullies their employees.  They create a toxic work environment that affects everyone in the office.  A parent who bullies their child creates a cycle of abuse that perpetuates for generations.  A spouse who bullies their partner ultimately destroys their relationship & family.

We all have a responsibility to confront & address bullying whenever & wherever we see it.  Victims need advocates because they frequently are too beaten down either mentally, physically or both to protect themselves.

Dealing with adult bullies can be challenging, but it’s not impossible.  The first step is to recognize the behavior for what it is & to understand that it’s not personal nor is it your fault.  You are not responsible for the bully’s behavior, & you do not deserve to be treated poorly.

The next step is to set boundaries & assert your rights.  Let the bully know that their behavior is not acceptable & that you will not tolerate it.  Be firm, calm, & avoid getting emotional or defensive.  If speaking up is too intimidating, simply refuse to do as they tell you to do & show them no fear.  Those actions can speak volumes to a bully. Remember, bullies thrive on the power they get from making others feel afraid or upset.  By remaining calm & rational, you take away their power.

If the bullying continues, it may be necessary to seek help from a third party, such as a close friend who has been bullied, therapist, or HR representative.  They can provide support & guidance on how to handle the situation & can help you develop a plan for moving forward.

Lastly, it’s important to take care of yourself.  Always stay close to God, surround yourself with supportive people, & practice self care. 

Bullying is not a hopeless situation.  Together, we can create a world where bullying is no longer tolerated.

You Are Allowed To Speak Up To People Who Hurt You

While forgiveness is one aspect of the Christian faith as well as a person’s emotional well being, it doesn’t mean that we should allow ourselves to be mistreated.  If someone hurts you, it is natural to feel angry, hurt, or upset.  Even so, many people struggle to confront those who hurt them, especially if the person in question can’t handle being told they did something wrong.  Today we’ll discuss why it’s important to speak up when someone hurts you, even if they can’t cope with the situation, & how to do it. 

Many people, especially victims of abuse, struggle with speaking up when someone hurts them.  This is due to a variety of reasons, including fear of retaliation, fear of being invalidated, or fear of being seen as “difficult” or “overreacting.”  However, staying silent leads to bottled-up emotions & resentment, which damages relationships & mental health.  You have every right to express your feelings & set boundaries when someone hurts you!  By doing so, you are taking care of yourself & showing the other person that their actions have consequences.

Speaking up also can help educate the other person on the bad effects of their actions.  Many times, people who hurt others simply aren’t aware of the harm they’ve caused.  By speaking up, you are giving them a chance to learn & grow.

Unfortunately, not everyone reacts reasonably when told they did something wrong.  This is especially true for people who are comfortable with their dysfunction or abusive ways.  When confronted, they try to shut the person down by acting like a victim, becoming angry or enraged, or simply walking away during the conversation.  This makes it so tempting to stop saying anything when the person hurts you.  However, this only enables their bad behavior & makes you bottle up your feelings.  Neither is good!

You need to remember that their sensitivity is their issue, not yours.  You have the right to express your feelings, regardless of how the other person reacts.  It’s not your responsibility to manage their emotions.  By staying calm, respectful, & assertive, you are showing the other person that you are serious about your boundaries & that their behavior is not acceptable.

If the person continues to refuse to take responsibility for their actions, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.  While forgiveness is important, it doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate toxic behavior.  It’s ok & even wise to distance yourself from people who consistently hurt you, no matter who they are.

Following are some tips to help you in situations like this:

1.  Pray

Before confronting the person, pray & reflect on the situation.  Ask God for wisdom on how to approach the conversation, to give you the right words to say & to show you the right timing.  This helps you to handle the situation in the best possible way.

2.  Use “I” Statements

When confronting someone, it’s important to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.  For example, instead of saying, “You hurt me when you did this,” say, “I felt hurt when you did this.”  This puts the focus on your feelings & can help prevent the other person from becoming defensive.

3.  Be Specific

When confronting someone, use examples & be clear about how their actions impacted you.  This helps them understand the gravity of the situation.

4.  Listen to Their Perspective

When confronting someone, listen to their perspective as well.  They may have a different view of the situation or may not realize the harm they caused.  Give them a chance to speak & ask questions to clarify their intentions.

5.  Set Boundaries

If the person excuses their behavior or refuses to take responsibility for their actions, set boundaries.  This may involve limiting contact with the person, or ending the relationship.

Always remember that you have the right to speak up & set boundaries when someone hurts you.  Your well being is worth fighting for.

My Newest Mini Book Is Now Available!

I just thought I’d let everyone know my newest mini book is available in ebook format.  Not sure if I’ll do print or not.. seems silly for mini books since they are maybe half the length of other books.

Anyway my newest ebook is called, “A Biblical Perspectives Mini Book The Pain of Being Your Parent’s Parent: A Guide for Teens and Young Adults.” It is designed to help those who are either under age & still living with their parents or recently have moved out of their parents’ homes deal with their parents who treat them as if their job is to take care of their parents.

This book came about because recently, my podcast analytics showed that the bulk of my audience listened to a podcast about this topic, & they were under age 22. It reminded me of being that age & younger, suffering through the same nightmare. It seemed like the right time to write a book to (hopefully!) help others in that horrible situation.

The ebook is available at amazon at this link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CWWQMBB3/ref=sr_1_16?crid=IRN3GPJPPQRM&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.M4u3RJkm2BvE5PhKeYIIiethbwADWlJtBojIcSYT9GHEG0ZV6BuFg6B1h8-y_524ckwDQ3xV0k_y2Fe5x-ifuATItuVnMe0tc_cO5POc8AxU1RdMDX4Kyq8qun0qw58v_TMpUnY8Up10On-jPyZUp06mDnaMCaXvZSXklW7BAq3YJAGGLYv-E5XJiTOS1YPqLL3Z3bGZ4dotB-3bsajrG-hCVZkGDYz7TiBh-IbyiTo.maI7PI4xLeg-hzJ_WuIwNVjNNusQ-v5YwH2kayHml5M&dib_tag=se&keywords=cynthia+bailey-rug&qid=1709393357&s=books&sprefix=cynthia+bailey-rug%2Cstripbooks%2C171&sr=1-16

It is available at other retailers at this link: https://books2read.com/u/4E7jPz

Coming Soon – 25% Sale On My Ebooks!!

Happy Read an Ebook Week! To help you find a book to celebrate, you can find my entire collection at a promotional price at Smashwords from March 3, 2024 – March 9, 2024. Find my books and many more at https://www.smashwords.com/ebookweek #ebookweek24 #Smashwords

Find my ebooks on sale at this link: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

Children Need To Be Allowed To Have Boundaries

The world can be a scary place for children.  They are still learning how to navigate the world & their emotions.  It’s important for parents to create a safe & nurturing environment where children feel comfortable expressing themselves.  One way to do this is by allowing them to have boundaries.  Children need to feel safe to say no, disagree, express their opinions, & set limits.  When children grow up without boundaries, they can develop a fear of hurting others, abandonment, shaming, judgment, criticism, & being told they are bad, selfish, or not Godly.  This can have a detrimental effect on their mental & emotional well-being that can last a lifetime & cause a tremendous amount of problems for them.6

Boundaries are essential for children’s development.  They help children understand their limits & the limits of others.  Without boundaries, children can become confused & overwhelmed.  They may not know how to express their needs & emotions, which leads to frustration & anger.  Boundaries also help children learn how to respect others & themselves.  When children learn to set boundaries, they learn to value themselves & their needs.  This can lead to healthy relationships later in life.

Parents need to model healthy boundaries for their children.  If parents don’t respect their own boundaries, they can’t expect their children to do the same.  For example, if a parent is always giving in to their child’s demands, the child may not learn how to respect other people’s boundaries.  It’s important for parents to set limits & stick to them.  This teaches children that boundaries are important & that they need to be respected.

Children who grow up without boundaries may struggle with setting their own boundaries as adults.  They may have difficulty saying no or expressing their needs.  This leads to unhealthy relationships & a lack of self-care.  Learning how to set boundaries early helps them develop healthy habits as adults.

Children who grow up without boundaries may struggle with speaking up for themselves.  They may fear hurting the other person, anger, abandonment, shaming, judgment, criticism, & being told they are bad, selfish, or not Godly.  This fear leads to a lack of self-expression & an inability to set boundaries.  Children feel like they have to please others, even if it means sacrificing their own needs & desires.

Parents can help their children overcome this fear by creating a safe & nurturing environment.  Children need to feel like they can express themselves without fear of judgment or criticism.  Parents can also encourage their children to speak up for themselves by modeling assertive behavior.  If a child sees their parent setting boundaries & speaking up for themselves, they are more likely to do the same.

Parents also should teach their children about consent.  Children need to understand that they have the right to say no to physical touch or activities they are uncomfortable with.  This teaches children that their boundaries are important & need to be respected.

It’s important for children to be compliant because they want to be, not because they are forced into it out of fear or guilt.  When parents use fear or guilt to control their children, it can damage the parent-child relationship & lead to resentment.  Children should feel like they have a choice in their actions & behaviors.

Parents can encourage good behavior by using positive reinforcement.  When children make good choices or show respect for others’ boundaries, parents can praise & reward them.  This teaches children that good behavior is valued & appreciated.

It’s important for parents to remember that children are individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, & desires.  They need to be allowed to express themselves & set their own boundaries.  By creating a safe & nurturing environment, parents can help their children develop healthy habits & relationships that will last a lifetime.

Why Judging Someone’s Character By How They Treat Their Parents Is Not Always Accurate

I have heard many people say that a person’s character can be determined by how a person treats their parents.  I disagree with this statement for several reasons.  Firstly, it assumes that parent/child relationships are always good, which is simply not the case for everyone.  Secondly, it doesn’t make sense because a relationship with one’s parents is naturally different from any other relationship.  Lastly, there are better ways to assess someone’s character that can give more accurate results.

As someone who’s been very harshly judged by many people, from family to total strangers, for my relationship with my parents, I would like to share some thoughts on this topic with you today.

It’s important to acknowledge that not everyone has a good relationship with their parents.  Some people have abusive parents, which obviously will cause a very strained & difficult parent/child relationship.  An abused child, no matter their age, is going to behave much differently around their parents than around those with whom they are comfortable.

Additionally, some people have had emotionally incestuous relationships with their parents.  The result of that is often someone who is always willing to do for their parents, yet unwilling to treat others as well.  This often results in others in this person’s life being neglected or treated poorly. 

When someone has been abused by their parent in any way, often ending that relationship is the only thing they can do to protect their mental & even physical health.  Ending the relationship is a last, desperate resort to protect one’s health & sanity.  Many people assume those of us who have taken this step are selfish, entitled & spoiled, & will mistreat anyone we can.  This is very rarely the case however. 

Lastly, some people have mentally ill parents whose illness requires they be treated differently than anyone else.  Judging someone in these situations by how they treat their parents will give you very inaccurate results.  

Instead of judging someone by their relationship with their parents, it’s better to look at how someone treats those who can’t benefit them in any way, such as their mechanic, waitress or even the janitor in their office building.  This is a more accurate way to determine someone’s character because it shows how they treat people who can’t benefit them.  If they are kind to them, chances are their character is very good.

Another way to assess someone’s character is to look at how they handle conflict.  Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, & how someone handles it can tell you a lot about their character.  Do they resort to name-calling & insults, or do they try to understand your point of view & come to a resolution? 

Lastly, it’s important to look at their actions rather than just their words.  Anyone can say they are kind or caring, but it’s their actions that truly matter.  Do they follow through on their promises?  Do they make an effort to be there for you when you need them, even when it’s inconvenient for them?

By using these methods, you can get a much better idea of someone’s true character than if you simply observe their relationship with their parents.

“But They Seem So Nice!”

If you ever ended a relationship with a narcissist, only to have others question your decision by saying, “But they seem so nice!”, you’re not alone.  It can be frustrating & disheartening to hear these remarks, especially when you know the truth about the narcissist’s behavior.  Don’t let anyone’s words convince you otherwise.  You have seen their true colors & know what they are capable of, even if others cannot see it.

Narcissists are masters at wearing a “good person” mask in front of others.  They go to great lengths to appear charming, kind, & considerate to those who are not their victims.  By presenting this false image, narcissists ensure their victims’ claims are met with skepticism & doubt.  However, their apparent niceness does not reflect their true nature.  Beneath the surface, they possess the need for power, control, & admiration.

When you think about the narcissist in your life, you may recall moments when they seemed genuinely kind & caring.  Perhaps they showered you with compliments, bought thoughtful gifts, or expressed empathy for your struggles.  These actions were not genuine displays of goodness but calculated moves to manipulate your emotions & keep you under their control.

Narcissists are experts at studying their victims & identifying their vulnerabilities.  Once they gain insight into what makes you tick, they use this knowledge to exploit your weaknesses for their benefit.  They know that by being kind & attentive, they can gain your trust, making it easier for them to manipulate & control you in the long run.

So, when others say, “But they seem so nice!”, remember that they have only witnessed the narcissist’s carefully curated act.  They have not experienced the abuse you endured.  Your firsthand knowledge of the narcissist’s true nature is far more valuable than the opinions of those who have been duped by their facade.

As a victim of narcissistic abuse, you have a very unique understanding of narcissists.  You have experienced their toxic behaviors firsthand.  While others see only a charming & charismatic individual, you see the darkness beneath their surface.  You have experienced the pain & turmoil caused by that darkness, & your perspective is valid.

Remember, narcissists are experts at portraying themselves as victims or deflecting blame onto others.  They will attempt to convince those around you that you are the problem, not them.  But you know the truth.  Avoid those who don’t believe & support you.

When dealing with narcissists & the people who have fallen for their “good person” act, setting & enforcing boundaries becomes particularly crucial.  It’s essential to establish clear limits on what you will & will not tolerate in your relationships. 

Building healthy boundaries means saying no to toxic behaviors & people, standing up for yourself, & surrounding yourself with people who respect & appreciate you for who you are.  Remember, you deserve to be in relationships that are full of only with kindness, empathy, & respect.

When others question your decision to end a relationship with a narcissist based on their apparent niceness, don’t let their doubts sway you.  You have seen the truth, & you know the extent of the narcissist’s manipulation & abuse.  Trust your instincts, & believe in your own experiences.  Trust yourself & your own experiences.  Set healthy boundaries to protect yourself from further harm.  Most importantly, remember that you deserve to be in relationships only with people who treat you with kindness, empathy, & respect.  Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise – you know the truth, & that is what matters.

Perspective Is So Important In Relationships

Relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships, are complex & require constant effort & understanding from all parties involved.  However, when misunderstandings or conflicts arise, it can be all too easy to jump to conclusions & assume the worst about the other person’s intentions.  This is where perspective becomes crucial. 

In this blog post, we will explore the significance of perspective in relationships & how this mindset can lead to growth, understanding, & healthier interactions.  We also will discuss different factors that can influence someone’s behavir.

When faced with a strained or damaged relationship, it can be tempting to solely focus on the other person’s actions & place blame on them for the issues at hand.  However, it is essential to take a hard look at our own behavior & evaluate how it may have contributed to the current state of affairs.

Firstly, we need to ask ourselves if we have done something to make the other person feel unsafe or apprehensive about opening up to us.  It is important to create an environment where people feel comfortable expressing their thoughts & emotions without fear of judgment or retribution.  By reflecting on our own actions, we can identify any patterns of behavior that may have contributed to their reluctance to communicate openly.

Secondly, we must consider if the other person’s expectations of us are unrealistic or if they simply desire consistency from us.  Behaving a certain way at the beginning of the relationship determines what will be expected from the other person long term.  When that changes, it can damage trust, be disappointing & can lead to conflict because the one expecting certain behaviors may feel let down or mislead.

Trust is vital to any healthy relationship, & when it is compromised or even destroyed, it leads to significant challenges.  If someone is displaying signs of insecurity, it is only reasonable to explore whether our actions have contributed to their lack of trust.

Trust can be eroded through a series of small betrayals or a single significant breach.  It is crucial to acknowledge the impact of our actions & take responsibility for repairing the trust we may have damaged.  By empathizing with the other person’s perspective & demonstrating genuine remorse & a willingness to change, we can rebuild trust in time.

It’s also important to recognize that some individuals have deep rooted insecurities that are not solely a result of our actions.  These insecurities can significantly impact their ability to trust & engage in healthy communication.  By being understanding & patient, we can work together to address these insecurities & encourage growth & healing.

Another aspect to consider when examining a damaged or failed relationship is the importance of boundaries & self respect.  It can be easy to dismiss someone’s decision to step away from a toxic dynamic as them giving up too easily.  However, someone having healthy self respect & refusing to tolerate ongoing unhealthy behavior isn’t bad.

Over time, individuals may develop a greater sense of self awareness & realize that certain behaviors or patterns are detrimental to their well being.  By setting boundaries & refusing to accept mistreatment, they are prioritizing their own mental & emotional health.  Their actions should prompt us to honestly evaluate our own behavior & make necessary changes to foster a healthier relationship.

Ultimately, it is vital to approach relationships with humility & a willingness to examine our own actions.  A perspective that values self reflection & understanding creates stronger, healthier connections.  Blaming the other person for a damaged or failed relationship may provide temporary relief, but true growth & resolution can only be achieved by taking an honest look at ourselves & learning to do better. It is through self reflection & a commitment to growth that we can learn from past mistakes & build a better future for ourselves & those we care about.

Being The Fixer In A One Sided Relationship

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you’re constantly the one trying to fix things?  It’s an exhausting & emotionally draining place to be.  The truth is, a healthy relationship should never be one sided.  Both individuals need to put in the effort, compromise, & show each other love.  In this blog post, we will explore the detrimental effects of one sided relationships & why they rarely work in the long run.

Being the fixer in a relationship means that you’re always the one putting in the effort to make things right.  You may find yourself constantly forgiving the other person’s mistakes, overlooking their bad behavior, & making excuses for them.  It feels awful, like you’re carrying the weight of the relationship on your shoulders alone. 

Being the fixer often means that you’re compromising your own needs & desires for the sake of the relationship.  You may find yourself constantly putting the other person’s needs first, while your own take a back seat.  This imbalance leads to resentment & feeling unappreciated.

Constantly trying to fix things also often leads to a cycle of enabling bad behavior.  By always swooping in to clean up the mess or make excuses for the other person, you’re inadvertently sending the message that their actions are acceptable.  This can perpetuate a dynamic where the other person feels entitled to continue their harmful behavior without any consequences or responsibility.

In a healthy relationship, both individuals actively work on the relationship & put in effort to make it thrive.  It’s not the sole responsibility of one person to fix everything or carry the burden.  Love & commitment should be a two way street.

When both individuals are willing to work on the relationship, compromise becomes easier.  Each person’s needs & desires are taken into consideration, & both partners actively seek solutions that benefit both parties.  This creates equality & mutual respect, fostering a healthier & more fulfilling connection. It also strengthens the bond between them.  The shared effort & commitment create a solid foundation of trust & understanding.  It becomes a partnership where both people can rely on each other & feel secure in the knowledge that they are both invested in the relationship’s success.

One sided relationships have severe consequences for the person who is constantly giving too much.  They struggle with feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, anger, resentment & mental health issues such as anxiety & depression.  Constantly trying to fix things & change your feelings about bad behavior definitely takes a toll on your mental & even physical well being.

One sided relationships rarely work in the long run.  The person who is always on the receiving end becomes complacent & take the other person for granted.  They come to expect the constant fixing & giving without putting in any effort themselves.  This creates an unsustainable dynamic that is bound to crumble over time.

It’s essential to recognize the signs of a one sided relationship & take action to address the imbalance.  Communication, boundaries, & self care are crucial in navigating these situations.  Remember, you deserve a relationship where both individuals are willing to work on it, compromise, & show each other love.  Don’t settle for anything less.

Understanding Shame Based Trauma Responses

Shame based trauma means growing up in an environment where every mistake, every flaw, & every aspect of your true self was met with shame & ridicule.  Whether it was through emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, the shame inflicted during formative years leaves a lasting impact on adult lives.  Healing is possible, but it takes some time & learning who we are as children of God. 

Overthinking is a common response to shame based trauma as it becomes a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from any possible abusive reaction.  Constantly analyzing every situation & anticipating potential negative outcomes allows us to stay one step ahead, or so we believe.  However, overthinking is exhausting & detrimental to our mental health.

When we have been shamed for even normal aspects of ourselves such as appearance, personality, or interests, it becomes ingrained in our psyche that we must constantly be on guard.  We second guess our decisions, replay conversations in our minds, & obsess over every detail.  Overthinking becomes a way to avoid potential shame & criticism, but it also keeps us trapped in a cycle of self doubt & anxiety.

To break free from overthinking, it is crucial to challenge shame based beliefs that fuel this response.  Learn to question these beliefs, & ask God to tell you the truth about them, rather than simply accepting them.

Another common response to shame based trauma is over apologizing.  When we have been shamed for the most basic aspects of ourselves, we develop a deep fear of conflict & a desire to avoid further abuse.  Apologizing excessively becomes a way to deescalate situations & minimize the chance for conflict.

However, this constant need to apologize can be detrimental to self esteem.  It reinforces the belief that we are inherently flawed & responsible for the actions of others.  Over apologizing also can lead to feelings of resentment or frustration in our relationships.

To overcome over apologizing, it is essential to recognize that we have a right to take up space, have & express needs, & set boundaries.  Building self confidence & assertiveness skills can help us find a balance between acknowledging our mistakes & taking responsibility, without unnecessarily apologizing for who we are.

Shame based trauma can also impact our ability to trust ourselves & others.  When we have been shamed for not meeting unrealistic expectations or for failing to blindly trust those who hurt & abuse us, we begin to doubt our intuition & judgment.  This leads to being too trusting as a defense mechanism, as we fear the consequences of not trusting others.

Being too trusting leads to further abuse & exploitation.  We find ourselves repeatedly drawn to toxic relationships or falling prey to manipulators & abusers, leading to repeated disappointment & betrayal.

Rebuilding trust in ourselves & others requires healing & learning.  It involves recognizing & validating our own emotions & intuition, setting healthy boundaries, & surrounding ourselves with only safe, supportive & trustworthy people. 

After a lack of healthy bonding to abusive parents, it is natural to experience anxiety in connecting with others.  The innate human desire for connection remains, but the fear of being hurt or rejected becomes deeply ingrained.  This fear can manifest as social anxiety, fear of intimacy, or difficulty forming & maintaining relationships.

When we have been shamed for the most fundamental aspects of ourselves, we may struggle with feelings of unworthiness & a belief that we are inherently unlovable.  This makes it challenging to trust others & reveal our true selves, as we fear being met with further shame & rejection.

Overcoming this anxiety requires self compassion, healing & exposure to safe people.  It is also important to remember that we are not defined by our past experiences & that we have the capacity to form healthy & fulfilling connections.

Shame based trauma responses have a profound impact on our thoughts, behaviors, & relationships.  However, through getting to know who God says we are, self awareness, & healing, we can break free from these patterns & cultivate a life filled with self acceptance, healthy boundaries, & meaningful connections.

Coming Soon – 50% Sale On My Ebooks!!

My ebook publisher is having a big end of year sale. I decided to participate by offering my ebooks at a 50% promotional price from December 15, 2023 – January 1, 2024. There are no coupon codes necessary. The discounted prices will be reflected at checkout.

Find my ebooks on sale at this link: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

What Happens When You Cut Family Out of Your Life

The abuse inflicted by narcissist family members is extremely cruel, insidious & manipulative.  Narcissistic parents, siblings & other relatives engage in manipulation, gaslighting, & control tactics that leave their victims, their own family members, questioning their own worth & sanity.  The prolonged exposure to such abuse will erode one’s sense of self & lead to a deep longing for escape.

Victims of narcissistic abuse frequently find themselves trapped in a cycle of hope & disappointment, desperately clinging to the belief that their family will change.  However, as the abuse continues, they come to the heartbreaking realization that they must prioritize their own well being & break free from the toxic cycle.

Deciding to go no contact with one’s narcissistic family member is intensely challenging & painful, no matter how cruel they may have been.  Deep down, there is a profound recognition that they are still your family, blood relatives who are meant to be an fundamental part of your life forever.  It takes a long time & a multitude of abuses to reach the point where severing ties with your own flesh & blood seems like the best option.  Even then, it requires immense courage to follow through with that decision.

Then there is the challenge of the best way to sever ties.  Talk to them face to face?  Call them?  Write a letter?  Email?  Text?  Or simply walk away, blocking all of their access to you?

Once you take this step & sever all ties, there is also the problem of other relatives either trying to force you to return to the relationship or spewing their hatred of you for treating the narcissist so cruelly.  This is why so many who go no contact with a narcissistic family member also end up losing most if not all of their other family members.

Contrary to popular belief, there also is a great deal of grief that follows the act of cutting family out of one’s life, & often, that grief can be excruciating.  While there is liberation from the abuse, the pain of losing someone you once loved is indescribable.  It’s similar yet different to losing someone to death.  When losing someone to death, there is finality.  Also when someone you love dies, if the relationship was good, although the grief is painful, it isn’t really complicated.  It boils down to you missing someone you love.  Painful of course, but it can be dealt with over time until you reach the point of learning to live without that person’s loving presence in your life. 

When you go no contact with your abusive family member, it involves a very complex mix of emotions that can leave people feeling conflicted, guilty, & lonely.  There is no finality because the family member is still alive.  Yet, you are unable to be with them because of their toxicity.  If you leave near one another, there is also the chance of seeing them at the grocery store, the mall, a restaurant or other public places unexpectedly, which can be extremely shocking & upsetting.

Many people who have not been in this situation fail to recognize these things though. They seem to assume since you chose to end the relationship, you won’t feel sad about doing it.  It’s similar to a couple who gets divorced.  Usually the one who initiated the divorce receives minimal if any support while the one whose idea the divorce was not gets a great deal of support.  It can be hard to find someone who understands how painful it is to end a relationship with an abusive family member who hasn’t ended a relationship with their own abusive family member.

If this describes your situation, please know you’re not alone!  I have been through it, as have countless other people I have spoken to.  There are people out there who understand, will support you & who will pray with & for you.  I have a Facebook group called Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug full of such people.  You’re very welcome to check it out if you like.  If not, there are many other similar groups online & a quick search should reveal plenty of them.  Good support can help you to get through this painful time.  Even more importantly though, God can help you get through & will be glad to do so.  He certainly did me & many others I know personally & have spoken with on this topic.  Pray.. tell Him how you feel & ask Him to comfort & help you.  He absolutely will!

Narcissists Mold Victims Into What They Want Them To Be In Relationships

Imagine finding someone who shares your interests, your passions, & your beliefs.  Someone who seems to understand you on a deep level & makes you feel like you’ve found your perfect mate.  That’s the kind of connection that most people dream of having.  However, for victims of narcissists, this connection is just an illusion.

When a victim of narcissistic abuse meets a narcissist, they often feel an instant connection.  This connection is based on the narcissist’s ability to mirror the victim’s personality, interests, & preferences.  The narcissist will pretend to like the same things as the victim, have the same values, & even share similar life experiences.  This creates a sense of familiarity & comfort that makes the victim feel like they’ve found someone who truly understands them.

However, this connection is an illusion.  The narcissist is not actually interested in the victim’s likes, dislikes, or beliefs.  They are simply pretending to be interested to gain the victim’s trust & admiration.  Once they know the victim is hooked, they stop putting in effort & begin to show their true colors.  The victim is left confused & hurt, wondering what happened to the connection they thought they had.

The narcissist will often blame the victim for the sudden lack of connection, suggesting that the victim needs to change or “improve” themselves in some way.   This is a way for the narcissist to control their victim.  The victim often begins to change themselves in an attempt to regain the connection they thought they had, further losing themselves in the process.

As the relationship progresses, the narcissist will use a tactic known as trauma bonding to keep the victim trapped.  Trauma bonding is a powerful psychological bond that forms between a victim & their abuser as a result of intense, emotional experiences.

In a narcissistic relationship, the trauma bonding cycle usually goes like this: the narcissist will reject the victim, causing them emotional pain & feelings of worthlessness.  The victim will then try to win back the narcissist’s affection, often by changing themselves or doing things to please the narcissist.  The narcissist will then “love bomb” the victim, showering them with attention & affection to make them feel validated & loved.  This cycle of rejection & love bombing is what creates the trauma bond, making it difficult for the victim to leave the relationship.

The victim may also feel like they have no other options outside of the relationship.  The narcissist will often make the victim believe that they are so awful, so ugly, stupid, unlovable & more that no one else would want them, & that they are lucky to have the narcissist.  This further traps the victim in the relationship, making it difficult for them to see a way out.

Breaking free from a narcissistic relationship is almost always the best option.  The first step is to recognize that the relationship is abusive & that the narcissist is not capable of change.  The victim must also accept that the connection they thought they had was an illusion, & that the narcissist never truly loved them.

The victim must then begin to set boundaries & distance themselves from the narcissist.  This involves cutting off all contact, or at least limiting contact to only necessary communication.  

It’s important for the victim to understand that they are not alone, & that there are resources available to help them.  There are support groups, therapists, & other professionals who can provide guidance & support throughout the healing process.  Best of all, God is a loving Father who is more than willing to help His children in any situation.

How Narcissists Condition Their Victims

Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner seemed too good to be true?  They seemed to share all of your likes, beliefs, & behavior, & you felt like you had found your soul mate.  Then suddenly, something changed, & you were left wondering what happened, what you did wrong, to cause your partner to change so much?

It’s very likely that you were the victim of a narcissist.  Narcissists are master manipulators, & they use a variety of tactics to groom their victims & keep them in the relationship.  Today, we’ll discuss some about the grooming tactics of narcissists, the trauma bonds they create, & how to break free from this toxic cycle.

Narcissists are experts at putting on a show.  They know how to make their victims feel special & loved, & they use this to their advantage.  They start by mirroring their victim’s likes, beliefs, & behavior.  This creates an instant bond which makes the victim feel like they’ve found their soul mate.

Once the narcissist has gained their victim’s trust, they stop trying so hard.  Suddenly, they don’t call as much, don’t make as many plans, & don’t show as much affection.  This leaves the victim feeling perplexed & abandoned, wondering what they did wrong to make the narcissist change so much.

This is the narcissist’s goal, because when the victim is left feeling confused & abandoned, they want to please the narcissist so much that they will do whatever it takes to regain the narcissist’s love & affection.  The victim is now in a place of vulnerability, & the narcissist will exploit this to their advantage.

This cycle of “hot & cold” behavior is what creates trauma bonds.  The victim is now in a cycle of being lured in by the narcissist’s charm & then feeling betrayed when the narcissist withdraws their love & affection.  This cycle can make it very hard for the victim to break free from the relationship.

Breaking free from a narcissistic relationship is difficult, but it is possible.

I firmly believe that God’s help is of the utmost importance in life, but in particular when dealing with narcissists because they are so manipulative.  God can help you to resist their manipulation & to recognize it.   He also can guide you in the best things to say & do to help you navigate this relationship or to end it entirely.

It’s also so important to remember that the narcissist’s behavior is not your fault.  It’s all about their selfishness & what they feel they need to do to get whatever it is they want from you.  There is nothing you can do to make a narcissist treat you the way that they do, so don’t believe that lie!  They have made the choice to abuse you, period.  That choice is all their responsibility, & has nothing to do with you!

It’s absolutely vital to recognize the narcissist’s tactics & to be aware of their behavior.  Once you can recognize their manipulation tactics, it will be easier to break away from their manipulation & to create healthy boundaries.  

It’s very helpful to seek out support from safe friends, family, or a therapist, to help you process your experience & move forward.  If you’re on Facebook, I have a wonderful group on there full of people who are exceptionally kind, caring & who have experienced all types of narcissistic abuse.  You are more than welcome to check it out if you like!

Narcissists are master manipulators & they use trauma bonding to get what they want from their victims.  That can be hard to break, but with awareness & support, it is possible to break free & reclaim your life.

If you or someone you know is in a narcissistic relationship, it’s important to seek out help & support.  Remember that you are not alone & that you deserve to be treated with real, Godly love & respect!

Stages Of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, is a common & strange phenomenon among victims of ongoing abuse.  It happens when abusers aren’t abusive all of the time, & show their victims random kindnesses.  Those kindnesses seem to prove to victims that their abuser isn’t all bad, & they really do care for their victim.  That thinking bonds the victim to their abuser & makes them more willing to tolerate abuse.

Narcissists are exceptionally good at trauma bonding their victims to them.  It happens very subtly & in gradually increasing stages of toxicity.  Trauma bonding is much like the story of putting a frog in a pot of water.  If the water is boiling when he goes in, he recognizes the danger & hops out immediately.  But, if it’s warm & gradually the temperature increases to boiling, he won’t notice he’s in danger until it’s too late.  I’ve been through this with my narcissistic ex husband & want to share today what I’ve learned about trauma bonds in the hopes of helping others avoiding the same suffering I experienced.

The first stage of trauma is love bombing.  This is when the narcissist showers you with love, praise & adoration.  You can do no wrong.  You are absolutely perfect!  They’ve never known anyone as amazing & perfect as you.  Gifts can be a part of love bombing too.  They give you things they know you like or have mentioned wanting. If you’re having sex, they can’t get enough of you & let you know they want you constantly, making you feel like the most desirable human being ever

Concurrently with love bombing, they earn your trust.  They validate & support you in every imaginable way.  Any struggle you experience, they are on your side 1,000%.  You are always right, other people are always wrong.  They won’t hesitate to defend you to anyone.  They also hang on your every word & want to know all about your dreams, desires, innermost thoughts, fantasies & goals.

After some time, you naturally feel as if you met the person you can’t imagine living without.  Once you’re secure in this relationship, things begin to change.  Nothing drastic of course… just tiny, subtle changes.  Maybe they aren’t as anxious to spend time with you as they had been.  They also begin to be less generous with praise & become a bit critical.  They may begin to ask more of you too.  Relationships change over time though so it’s easy to chalk up these things to the normal evolution of relationships. 

The more time passes, the more that romantic partner vanishes.  You no longer are the perfect, love of their life.  Instead, you are to blame for everything.  Things that are their fault aren’t their fault, according to them.  They’re your fault.   They also gaslight you into making you believe that they know best about everything, including what is best for you.  Over time, you believe their narrative, not reality & truth.

When this first happens, you fight back, but quickly learn that the only way to experience that loving person at the beginning of the relationship is to give in & stop asking for things like respect & love.  This trains you to settle for narcissistic breadcrumbs, those rare kind gestures, & to be incredibly grateful for them.

This also results in you losing yourself.  You give up those things you once loved to keep this person happy.  Changing your likes, beliefs, & looks seem a small price to pay to be loved like this person once loved you.  You also think if you become what they want you to, they’ll love you like they did at the beginning.

Trauma bonding can result in the body creating something similar to physical addiction.  The constant stress means your stress hormone cortisol level is constantly too high, & looking to activate dopamine to give you that feeling of pleasure.  If that doesn’t happen, something else can happen that I think is more common with covert narcissists.  You feel extremely obligated to this person, & afraid you can’t live without them.  I married my ex not out of love, but out of feeling I owed it to him.

If this describes your relationship, make no mistake, this is an extremely dangerous relationship!  You deserve better than this, & you can survive without this person.  Do yourself a favor & leave as soon as possible!

Setting Boundaries VS Stating Feelings

Human beings are called to love others & show compassion, but it’s also important to recognize our own worth & set boundaries when necessary.  While stating our feelings may help express our emotions, setting boundaries is crucial to protect our well being & maintain healthy relationships. It’s important to know the correct way to set boundaries, so today we will discuss the difference between stating our feelings & setting boundaries.

When someone says or does something that hurts us, it’s natural to want to express our feelings & let them know how their actions have impacted us.  Stating our feelings allows us to communicate our emotions & helps the other person understand the consequences of their behavior.  For example, we might say, “It hurts me when you talk to me like that.” By expressing our feelings, we create an opportunity for empathy, understanding, & potentially resolving the issue.

However, stating our feelings alone may not always lead to a change in behavior or a resolution, especially when the person hurting you is a narcissist.  While it is normal to want to express our emotions honestly, it is equally crucial to take it a step further & set clear boundaries, especially with narcissists.

Consider an example where someone consistently speaks disrespectfully.  We might say, “When you talk to me like that, it hurts me.”  While this statement conveys our emotions, it fails to set a boundary that can prevent further harm.  By solely stating our feelings, we leave the door open for the disrespectful behavior to continue.  The other person may not fully comprehend the impact of their words, & if the person is a narcissist, they get a thrill when their victims admit to feeling pain over something they have said or done which means they will continue to engage in that behavior.

Setting boundaries is about clearly defining what is acceptable & what is not.  It also involves stating the consequences if those boundaries are violated.  For instance, in the previous example, instead of merely expressing hurt, a boundary can be set by saying, “If you continue talking to me disrespectfully, I’m going to leave.”  By setting the boundary, we communicate that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable & establish a consequence for crossing that line.

Boundaries empower us to take control of our well being & protect ourselves from harmful situations.  They serve as a guide to others, showing them how we expect to be treated.  Setting boundaries is not about being selfish or mean spirited as some dysfunctional people think.  It’s about valuing ourselves & promoting healthy relationships.

As Christians, setting boundaries is especially important as we strive to love others as ourselves.  Jesus himself demonstrated the importance of boundaries in His interactions.  He set boundaries when necessary, even with His closest disciples, to maintain healthy relationships & support His mission.  Setting boundaries creates an environment where love, respect, & understanding thrive.

Recognizing the difference between stating our feelings & setting boundaries is essential.  While expressing our emotions is a valid & necessary part of communication, setting boundaries ensures that our emotional well being is protected.  It is important to know when to move beyond stating feelings & take appropriate action to establish boundaries.

Every situation is unique, & there is no one-size-fits-all approach to setting boundaries.  The appropriate action may vary depending on the severity of the situation, the dynamics of the relationship, & our personal boundaries.  Trust God, trust your instincts & prioritize your well-being.

As victims of narcissistic abuse, it can be even more challenging to differentiate between stating feelings & setting boundaries.  Narcissistic individuals manipulate & invalidate emotions, making it difficult to express ourselves authentically.  However, by understanding the difference & learning how to set healthy boundaries, we can establish healthy boundaries.

In conclusion, while stating our feelings allows us to express our emotions, setting boundaries correctly is crucial.  As Christians, it is important to love others, but we must also recognize our own worth & establish boundaries when necessary.  By differentiating between stating our feelings & setting boundaries, we can create an environment of respect & understanding.  I encourage you to be brave in expressing your emotions & in setting boundaries, honoring yourself & those around you.

For All Of The “Good Girls”

From a young age, girls labeled as “good girls” bear the weight of unrealistic expectations, meaning the label comes at a very high price.  They are trained from a very early age to embrace a life without boundaries, where saying no is deemed unacceptable, & expressing negative feelings is taboo.  These girls are taught that showing anger isn’t “ladylike”, & their main focus should be on pleasing others, even at the expense of their own needs.  These harmful beliefs create a freeze or fawn response, leaving many girls feeling trapped & unable to assert themselves.  To all the other “good girls” like me out there, you need to recognize that you were lied to.  These lies are perpetrated by abusers & other toxic, dysfunctional individuals who seek to manipulate & control.  It’s time to reject these terrible beliefs & embrace the fact that you deserve so much better.

As young girls, the pressure to be labeled a “good girl” often begins subtly.  We are praised for being compliant, for not causing trouble, & for putting others’ needs before our own.  However, this praise comes at the cost of erasing our boundaries.  We are taught that saying no is impolite & makes us “bad girls.”  We are conditioned to prioritize the desires of others above our own, leading us to develop a deep sense of self sacrifice.

This erasure of boundaries has long lasting effects.  As we grow older, we struggle to assert ourselves or establish healthy boundaries in relationships.  We become people pleasers, constantly seeking validation & approval from others.  We fear disappointing others & often find it challenging to say no, even when we are overwhelmed or uncomfortable.

It’s so essential to recognize that boundaries are not only necessary but also healthy.  They define who we are, what we stand for, & what we will & will not tolerate.  By reclaiming our boundaries, we can regain control over our lives & establish healthier relationships built on mutual respect & understanding.

Another damaging aspect of being labeled a “good girl” is the expectation to hide or suppress negative emotions.  From a young age, we are taught that expressing anger or even frustration is unacceptable.  My narcissistic mother would shame me for having what she called, “That Bailey temper” even if I was simply frustrated, yet her screaming & raging was perfectly acceptable.  Sadly this is the norm with narcissistic parents.  We are told to be polite, kind, & accommodating at all times while they are allowed to say & do anything they like.  Because of this, we learn to bury our negative feelings deep within ourselves, fearing that acknowledging them will make us “difficult” or “unladylike” or feel terrible shame.

This suppression of negative emotions can lead to struggling to identify & process our feelings effectively, which can manifest as anxiety, depression, or even physical ailments.  By denying ourselves the right to express our emotions, we deny our own humanity & perpetuate the harmful notion that our negative experiences are invalid.

It’s vital to embrace all of our emotions & recognize that they are valid & worthy of acknowledgment.  By allowing ourselves to express anger, sadness, & frustration in healthy ways, we cultivate emotional & mental health.

One of the most damaging expectations placed upon “good girls” is the belief that our main focus should be on pleasing others.  We learn that our worth lies in our ability to make others happy & meet their needs.  We find ourselves constantly striving for external validation, seeking approval & acceptance from others.  In doing so, we lose touch with our own desires & needs, sacrificing our own health & happiness.  This perpetual people-pleasing leaves us exhausted, empty, & unfulfilled.

It’s time to prioritize our needs & desires, & cultivate self worth & build healthier, more authentic relationships.  Pleasing others should not be our sole purpose in life; rather, it should be a byproduct of living true to ourselves.

To all the other “good girls” out there, it’s time to break free from the harmful beliefs that have held us captive for far too long.  We were lied to, manipulated by abusers & other toxic individuals who sought to control & exploit our innate goodness.  Embrace your boundaries, express your emotions, & prioritize your well being.  You deserve so much better than a life defined by unrealistic expectations.  Reclaim your power & know that you are worthy of love, respect, & happiness.

Signs Of Unhealthy Friendships

Friendships are as varied as the individuals in them.  Some friendships are lifelong, somewhat like a marriage without the romantic aspect.  That is my best friend.  She knows more about me than anyone else excluding my husband.  Some friendships last for a while, but over time, simply fizzle out.  The once close friendship becomes more distant over time until both parties realize it’s been a very long time since they spoke, & neither is overly interested in reaching out.  It’s not about lack of fondness for each other, but more about simply growing apart.  These friendships are quite normal.

Then there are the unhealthy friends.  There isn’t much information about them readily available, so today I thought discussing them would be a good idea.

Following are some signs that your friendship is unhealthy, & it may be time for you to move on.

A friendship that is out of balance on a consistent basis is very unhealthy.  Anyone with at least one close friend knows that there are times the friendship will be out of balance.  One of you experiences a crisis, so the other is there to help however they can.  The helper doesn’t discuss much if anything about what is happening in their life during this time.  After the crisis has passed, the friendship resumes its more balanced nature.  The helper isn’t upset by the out of balance arrangement because either they have been the one in need of help before or they know their friend will be there for them if they face a crisis.  When one person is consistently the needy one & shows little or no consideration for the other however, this is a big red flag that the needy person is simply using the other.

A “friend” who fails to respect your needs & your time isn’t really your friend.  I’ve had plenty of friends like this.  All that mattered to them was what they thought they needed when they needed it, & nothing else was important.  I’ve had several friends who insisted on talking to me about their life & problems on the phone for hours, at any time of day, never once caring that I had other things to do.  Telling them I needed to go was met with talking over me or otherwise acting like I said nothing. 

You know that sharing anything about you or your life will be turned back around to them.  One former friend of mine was exceptionally skilled at doing this.  I talked to her a couple days after my father in-law died.  I mentioned that & I was concerned about my husband.  Her response?  “Oh, that’s too bad.  Anyway…” then she went on to discuss her life… even though she had spent the last half hour at least talking about it before I was able to tell her about my father in-law.  When I told my best friend the same thing, she immediately asked how my husband was doing, asked how I was doing, asked if she could do anything & said she’d be praying for us.  Such a difference!

A friend who says they don’t have time for you, but they have time for others isn’t really your friend.  The fact is people make time for what is important to them.  If someone says they are too busy to spend time with you briefly, that is one thing.  Sometimes life gets hectic, but things eventually calm down.  A person who constantly says they are too busy for you yet spends time with other friends doesn’t value your friendship.

It can hurt acknowledging some friendships are unhealthy, but I can promise you it’s absolutely worth it.  I have removed every single person like this from my life, & my life is so much better now!  I can’t tell you how much more peaceful life is without “friends” like this constantly disrupting my day & ruining my mood.  If you have unhealthy friendships, I urge you to make changes.  By losing the unhealthy friends, you will free yourself up to gain healthy ones.  Psalm 68:6 says that God gives families to the lonely, & I have found that to be so true!  My close friends are more like family than friends.  What He did for me, He can do for you too!