Signs You Grew Up Subjected To Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that leaves a person doubting their own perceptions, feelings, & even sanity.  It occurs when someone manipulates another person into questioning their own reality, making them feel like they are losing their mind.  Gaslighting is a common tactic used by abusers, & it often occurs within families.

Gaslighting families work to convince everyone that everything that happens in their family is normal & good, including abuse.  Those subjected to it grow up thinking, “Am I the only one who feels like this is wrong?”  “Am I crazy?”  “Why am I upset about this?”  This leads to intense self-l doubt & has long term effects on a person’s mental health.

Today, we’ll discuss some signs that you grew up with gaslighting, & some tips on how to counter the effects of this cruel form of emotional abuse.

Gaslighting can take many forms, & it’s not always easy to recognize when it’s happening.  There are some signs that you may have grown up with gaslighting…

You constantly question your own reality: If you find yourself constantly questioning your own beliefs & perceptions, it is a sign that you grew up with gaslighting. 

You feel like you’re always walking on eggshells:  If you feel like you need to be careful about what you say or do around certain people, it’s a sign that you grew up with gaslighting. 

You have a hard time trusting your own instincts: Gaslighting makes you doubt your own instincts & intuition.  This leads to confusion & uncertainty, which makes it hard to make decisions.

If you grew up with gaslighting, there are things you can do to counter the effects of this form of emotional abuse. 

Understand reality: Gaslighting can make it hard to know what’s real & what’s not.  To counter this, try to look at things logically without emotion & see if things make sense.

Distance yourself from the gaslighting: If possible, distance yourself from the people who are gaslighting you.  This can help you to gain perspective & clarity.

Ask safe people for their thoughts: It can be helpful to talk to people you trust about your experiences.  They can provide a different perspective & help you to see things more clearly.

Pray for clarity: Prayer is invaluable when dealing with the effects of gaslighting.  Ask God to give you clarity & help you to see the truth & to see things as they really are.

Gaslighting is an especially malicious form of emotional abuse that can have long lasting effects on a person’s mental health.  If you grew up with gaslighting, it’s important to recognize the signs & take steps to counter the effects.  By understanding reality, distancing yourself from the gaslighting, asking safe people for their thoughts, & praying for clarity, you can begin to heal from the effects of this form of emotional abuse.

Honoring Abusive Parents Is Possible But Not Always What People Think It Should Be

I have been accused countless times of failing to honor my parents & even hating them because of the topics of my writing.  However, that’s not true.  God has shown me that honoring  parents is very possible, but it is not always what people think it is.  It is about respecting their position in your life, treating them respectfully, wanting the best for them, & appreciating any good in them. 

As a Christian & a victim of narcissistic abuse, I have struggled with this concept for a long time.  Thankfully, God showed me how to honor my parents even after cutting off contact with them.

When we think of honoring our parents, many people associate it with blind obedience & complete submission to their will even as adults with our own lives.  However, this inaccurate view is very harmful, especially in cases of abusive parents.  Honoring parents does not mean tolerating abuse or sacrificing our own well being. 

For me, honoring my parents means acknowledging their role as my parents & recognizing the impact they had on my life, both positive & negative.  It meant accepting that they were flawed individuals who made very poor choices, but they still influenced who I am today. 

Respecting their position in my life also meant setting boundaries & prioritizing my own well being.  It meant recognizing that I deserved to be treated with love, kindness, & respect, just like anyone else.  By doing so, I was able to honor them by encouraging them to treat me better with consequences for my healthy boundaries.

After my parents passed away, I struggled with the idea of honoring their memory.  It felt strange at first to appreciate their positive contributions while acknowledging the pain they caused.  Especially because their deaths brought back so many bad memories.  Honoring their memory did not mean condoning their actions or excusing their abuse.

One way I found to honor my parents was by appreciating the things they taught me.  My father, for example, taught me about cars.  Despite the difficult relationship we had, I still appreciate all he taught me & I love cars.  It was a way of acknowledging his influence on my life while doing something I genuinely enjoyed.

Similarly, my mother taught me to crochet when I was five years old.  Crocheting became a favorite hobby of mine that I still enjoy.  After her passing, I stumbled upon a pretty doily she made & a second that she had started but never finished.  I decided to complete it as a way of honoring her.  It was a bittersweet experience that allowed me to appreciate the skill she gave me & the joy I found in crocheting.  A picture of them is at the bottom of this post.

Honoring parents is a complex & deeply personal journey, especially for those who have experienced narcissistic abuse.  It is possible to redefine honor & respect in a way that prioritizes our own well being while acknowledging the role our parents played in our lives.  Finding ways to appreciate the skills they taught us or engaging in activities they influenced, can be a meaningful way to honor them without compromising our own healing.

Cleaning Out Your Parents’ Home After Their Deaths

Many of you who follow my work are fellow Gen Xers.  This means that many of us are at the stage in life where we are faced with the inevitable loss of our parents.  It’s a painful & emotional process that often involves cleaning out their home.  This task is often much harder than expected, no matter the relationship with one’s parents.  Not only do many items hold sentimental value, but we also realize that we will never again receive any gifts from our parents.  Despite the complicated relationship we may have had with them, the process of letting go of their belongings can be overwhelming.  Today, I want to share the lessons I learned from my experience & offer tips for handling those complicated items.

In my experience, one crucial aspect of this journey is seeking guidance from God.  Turning to God & asking for His guidance absolutely will bring comfort & clarity in the midst of such an emotional process.  He helped me to figure out what to keep, what to sell, what to donate, & what to give to which family members.  That help was invaluable since I had absolutely no idea what to do with anything!

When we begin cleaning out our parents’ home, we are faced with a multitude of items that hold sentimental value.  Each object carries a memory, a story, & a connection to our parents.  It can be tempting to hold onto every item, fearing that letting go means losing them forever.  Or, if your relationship with your parents was toxic, it can be tempting to throw every single item in the trash.  However, as difficult as it may be, it’s important to find balance.

One approach I found helpful was to enjoy the special items rather than simply storing them away.  For example, if your parents had a collection of vintage records, take the time to listen to them & relish in the nostalgia they bring.  Displaying sentimental items, such as photographs or heirlooms, can also help create a space that honors their memory while keeping clutter at bay.  And, if you find certain items trigger painful memories, if those items still are useful, find them a home with someone who will use & enjoy them.  Again using the record collection as an example, if you know someone who shared your parents’ taste in music, give them the records.

Furthermore, if you find yourself unsure about whether to keep an item or not, it’s a good idea to hold onto it until you feel more clarity.  Grief is a complex process, & it takes time to sort through our emotions & make good decisions.  Trust your instincts & give yourself the time to heal before making final choices about what to keep & what to let go whenever you have doubts.

As we go through the process of cleaning out our parents’ home, it’s crucial to set reasonable limits.  After all, they are essential for maintaining a clutter free & anxiety free environment.  Ask yourself if each item will bring you joy or serve a practical purpose.  If the answer is no, consider donating or selling it, knowing that someone else may find value in it.

Remember, clutter can cause anxiety.  It’s important to honor our parents’ memory, but it’s equally important to create a home that reflects who we are & the life we want to live.

During this process, it’s normal to feel guilty or conflicted about letting go of certain items.  However, it’s essential to remind ourselves that the memory of our parents is not tied to physical possessions.  Letting go of material possessions can be a way of honoring them while creating our own path.

For those of us who have had a complicated relationship with our parents, cleaning out their home naturally stirs up a mix of emotions.  It’s important to acknowledge & process these feelings as we go through their belongings.  Pray & seek support from safe people who let you share your experiences & emotions.

Remember, this process is an opportunity to reflect on lessons learned, the growth achieved, & healing.  By approaching the task with wisdom & understanding, we can find peace & resolution.

Subtle Abuse

Abuse isn’t always loud or obvious.  It doesn’t always leave physical evidence behind that anyone can see easily, such as bruises & broken bones.  In fact, most abuse isn’t that obvious.  Covert abuse is a common term used to describe such subtle abuse.  It doesn’t leave undeniable proof that it happened.  It is very quiet & subtle, so much so that often even the victim may not realize that he or she is being abused.  That doesn’t make this abuse any less damaging, however.

Covert abuse comes in many forms, in particular in the form of gaslighting.  Gaslighting is when an abuser attempts to convince someone that they should doubt their feelings, thoughts, perceptions of reality & even their sanity.  It often comes in the form of denial.  The abuser claims that what they did wasn’t really so bad, it didn’t happen as the victim remembers or they deny even doing whatever they did at all, claiming the victim imagined things.

Another part of gaslighting involves how abusers interact with other people.  To those not in their most intimate circle, abusers often appear charismatic, helpful, maybe even kind & caring.  People believe the abuser to be a good person, & often tell the victim how lucky they are to have such a good person in their life.  Treating outsiders in this way serves two purposes for abusers.  First, it convinces others that the abuser in question truly is incapable of being anything but a great person.  That way, if the victim tells anyone about the abuse, he or she isn’t believed.  Second, the abuser’s fan club reminding the victim of how great they believe the abuser is makes the victim doubt that the abuser is so bad.  This makes the victim believe they are overreacting or over sensitive, & they become more tolerant of abuse.

Destroying a victim’s self esteem is another type of covert abuse.  Many years ago, I remember thinking that this is a type of murder.  I still stand by that.  Leaving a person left feeling as if they are nothing to anyone is unbelievably cruel & inhumane.  A person who is victimized in this way feels that if they died at this moment, no one would be care in the slightest or maybe they would feel relieved they are gone.  No one should live like that!

Another type of covert abuse is threats that make a person wonder if the person doing the threatening is sincere or not.  The purpose of doing this is to cause intense fear in a victim & also causing them to be extremely willing to please their abuser to avoid the abuser following through on their threat.  The person making these threats doesn’t even need to physically hurt the victim at some point to make their victim afraid, but physical violence is likely to follow these behaviors at some point.  Their threats make it very clear that they are capable of following through on them if they wish to do so.  Sometimes their threats involve words, but not always.  Most often, they do not.  Abusers may punch walls, slam doors, break items or even hurt pets yet not touch their victim.  Their behavior is terrifying to their victims, whatever they do.  My ex husband punched items or walls to make his point sometimes.  I remember him doing this then telling me how lucky I was he only punched the wall because he really wanted to punch me instead.  Somehow that didn’t make me feel so lucky! 

Another covert type of abuse is isolation.  Isolating victims means victims have no one to tell them their abuser is treating them awfully, to offer them support or to help them to leave the abusive relationship.  This behavior robs victims of any hope that their life will get better, & leaves them under the full control of their abuser.

If someone you know is treating you in these ways, never tell yourself it’s not a big deal, it’s not really abuse since he or she isn’t physically hurting you or otherwise excuse this behavior.  It truly is abusive & you truly deserve to be treated better!  If at all possible, end this relationship NOW!  If now isn’t possible, please make a plan to get out of it as soon as possible.  Protect yourself!  You deserve to be safe!

My Newest Mini Book Is Now Available!

I just thought I’d let everyone know my newest mini book is available in ebook format.  Not sure if I’ll do print or not.. seems silly for mini books since they are maybe half the length of other books.

Anyway my newest ebook is called, “A Biblical Perspectives Mini Book The Pain of Being Your Parent’s Parent: A Guide for Teens and Young Adults.” It is designed to help those who are either under age & still living with their parents or recently have moved out of their parents’ homes deal with their parents who treat them as if their job is to take care of their parents.

This book came about because recently, my podcast analytics showed that the bulk of my audience listened to a podcast about this topic, & they were under age 22. It reminded me of being that age & younger, suffering through the same nightmare. It seemed like the right time to write a book to (hopefully!) help others in that horrible situation.

The ebook is available at amazon at this link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CWWQMBB3/ref=sr_1_16?crid=IRN3GPJPPQRM&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.M4u3RJkm2BvE5PhKeYIIiethbwADWlJtBojIcSYT9GHEG0ZV6BuFg6B1h8-y_524ckwDQ3xV0k_y2Fe5x-ifuATItuVnMe0tc_cO5POc8AxU1RdMDX4Kyq8qun0qw58v_TMpUnY8Up10On-jPyZUp06mDnaMCaXvZSXklW7BAq3YJAGGLYv-E5XJiTOS1YPqLL3Z3bGZ4dotB-3bsajrG-hCVZkGDYz7TiBh-IbyiTo.maI7PI4xLeg-hzJ_WuIwNVjNNusQ-v5YwH2kayHml5M&dib_tag=se&keywords=cynthia+bailey-rug&qid=1709393357&s=books&sprefix=cynthia+bailey-rug%2Cstripbooks%2C171&sr=1-16

It is available at other retailers at this link: https://books2read.com/u/4E7jPz

Growing Up Invalidated

Narcissists are masters of invalidation.  In other words, they are masters at making their victims feel as if their likes, dislikes, & feelings are inaccurate, & the person feeling them is wrong, deeply flawed or even crazy for feeling the way they do.  Invalidation is a very cruel thing to do to another person, as it makes a person lose the ability to trust their feelings & perceptions.  It even can make a person doubt their sanity.  This makes an invalidated person easy to manipulate & control, which naturally is the goal of any narcissist.

Narcissistic parents love invalidating their children because of this, in particular engulfing narcissistic parents.  Chronically invalidated children are extremely insecure, clingy with their parents because of the insecurity & they look to their parents for information much more than healthier children do. 

Sadly, this chronic invalidation in childhood creates life long problems for children like this.  Having been in this situation, I can vouch for just how damaging it is.  The good thing however is once you recognize the signs, you can make healthy changes. 

Probably the most common sign of growing up invalidated is low or non existent self esteem.  How could anyone have any self esteem when their own parents invalidated them?  It’s impossible.  Healing such damaged self esteem is a long process, but so worth it.  The best way to start this process that I know of is to ask God to help you often, & to start questioning things.  When you think something negative about yourself, question it.  Ask yourself why you feel that way.  Is there evidence of this feeling being accurate, or do you think this way because your parent told you that you were that way?

One sign of growing up invalidated is that you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable around other people.  The good news is that the more you heal, the healthier your relationships naturally become, & eventually you become able to be vulnerable around those healthy people. 

Feeling as if your feelings, thoughts, wants, & needs are less important than other people is also typical of someone who grew up being invalidated.  I want you to know that feeling that way is WRONG!  Everything about you is just as important as other people.  There is nothing about you that makes you less important.  You are valuable & you matter!

Second guessing yourself constantly is common with someone who has been invalidated in their childhood.  How could it not be?  Much like healing helps your self esteem improve & that naturally attracts healthier people, it also will help you to stop second guessing yourself so much.  You will become more confident & second guess yourself less & less over time.

Feeling invisible also is a part of growing up invalidated.  It’s such an awful way to feel!  Sadly when you spend time with those who invalidated you, you may always feel this way to some degree.  I certainly do.  It improved as I healed, but never entirely went away.  Feeling this way though doesn’t mean something wrong with you.  It means something is wrong with those who treat you this way. 

Obviously healing from invalidation isn’t a quick or easy path, but working on it is well worth it.  You deserve validation, even if your parents didn’t think you did.  You are worthy of it.  You’re also worthy of love, kindness & being treated well.  Don’t accept the message of invalidation that says otherwise!  Reject it!  If you’re struggling with that, then pray & ask God to help you & to teach you how to reject these dysfunctional & toxic messages.  Work on your improving self esteem, too.  That also will help you so much!

Children Need To Be Allowed To Have Boundaries

The world can be a scary place for children.  They are still learning how to navigate the world & their emotions.  It’s important for parents to create a safe & nurturing environment where children feel comfortable expressing themselves.  One way to do this is by allowing them to have boundaries.  Children need to feel safe to say no, disagree, express their opinions, & set limits.  When children grow up without boundaries, they can develop a fear of hurting others, abandonment, shaming, judgment, criticism, & being told they are bad, selfish, or not Godly.  This can have a detrimental effect on their mental & emotional well-being that can last a lifetime & cause a tremendous amount of problems for them.6

Boundaries are essential for children’s development.  They help children understand their limits & the limits of others.  Without boundaries, children can become confused & overwhelmed.  They may not know how to express their needs & emotions, which leads to frustration & anger.  Boundaries also help children learn how to respect others & themselves.  When children learn to set boundaries, they learn to value themselves & their needs.  This can lead to healthy relationships later in life.

Parents need to model healthy boundaries for their children.  If parents don’t respect their own boundaries, they can’t expect their children to do the same.  For example, if a parent is always giving in to their child’s demands, the child may not learn how to respect other people’s boundaries.  It’s important for parents to set limits & stick to them.  This teaches children that boundaries are important & that they need to be respected.

Children who grow up without boundaries may struggle with setting their own boundaries as adults.  They may have difficulty saying no or expressing their needs.  This leads to unhealthy relationships & a lack of self-care.  Learning how to set boundaries early helps them develop healthy habits as adults.

Children who grow up without boundaries may struggle with speaking up for themselves.  They may fear hurting the other person, anger, abandonment, shaming, judgment, criticism, & being told they are bad, selfish, or not Godly.  This fear leads to a lack of self-expression & an inability to set boundaries.  Children feel like they have to please others, even if it means sacrificing their own needs & desires.

Parents can help their children overcome this fear by creating a safe & nurturing environment.  Children need to feel like they can express themselves without fear of judgment or criticism.  Parents can also encourage their children to speak up for themselves by modeling assertive behavior.  If a child sees their parent setting boundaries & speaking up for themselves, they are more likely to do the same.

Parents also should teach their children about consent.  Children need to understand that they have the right to say no to physical touch or activities they are uncomfortable with.  This teaches children that their boundaries are important & need to be respected.

It’s important for children to be compliant because they want to be, not because they are forced into it out of fear or guilt.  When parents use fear or guilt to control their children, it can damage the parent-child relationship & lead to resentment.  Children should feel like they have a choice in their actions & behaviors.

Parents can encourage good behavior by using positive reinforcement.  When children make good choices or show respect for others’ boundaries, parents can praise & reward them.  This teaches children that good behavior is valued & appreciated.

It’s important for parents to remember that children are individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, & desires.  They need to be allowed to express themselves & set their own boundaries.  By creating a safe & nurturing environment, parents can help their children develop healthy habits & relationships that will last a lifetime.

When Children Defend Themselves To Their Narcissistic Parents

Children of narcissistic parents learn very quickly that defending themselves to their narcissistic parents isn’t an option.  Any time they try to stand up for themselves or express their own feelings, their parents accuse them of being disobedient, rebellious, a troublemaker & more.  Soon they learn to forget themselves & tolerate anything, including abuse, to be worthy of their parents’ love.  Eventually they learn that this was not a healthy way to live, & began to understand the importance of standing up for themselves.

Today, I will share some things I have learned on this topic.  

The first thing you need to understand is that narcissistic parents are primarily focused on themselves & their own needs, rather than those of their children. They are emotionally abusive, controlling, & manipulative, & they often use their children as a means of validation for their own egos.

For children of narcissistic parents, this can be a very difficult & confusing experience.  On the one hand, they may feel a strong attachment to their parent & want to please them.  On the other hand, they feel neglected, unloved, & abused by their parent’s behavior.  This can create cognitive dissonance, where the child feels both love & fear towards their parent at the same time.

Growing up with narcissistic parents means constantly walking on eggshells.  You never knew what could set them off, & always afraid of doing something wrong.  Although you may try your best to be the perfect child, no matter how hard you tried, it’s never enough.  My overtly narcissistic mother always found something to criticize or belittle me for, & I felt I could never do anything right.

Once I was in my late teens, I began to realize that I didn’t have to put up with my mother’s abuse anymore.  I started to see that her behavior was not normal or acceptable, & I stopped excusing it.  Standing up to her was not easy.  Every time I tried to express my own feelings or defend myself, she would rage at me, say terrible things about me or accuse me of awful things I hadn’t done.  She even told me me that she was thinking of sending me away to a military school or a psychiatric hospital. 

As an adult, I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & her behavior finally made sense.  I realized why defending myself to her was always a problem!  I just needed to figure out how to defend myself in ways that wouldn’t anger her but also would help me.  The best way I found to do this was gently but firmly setting boundaries.

When dealing with narcissists, showing no emotion is best.  Any emotion at all gives them fuel to abuse you.  They accuse you of being over sensitive, having anger issues & more.  Keeping that in mind, when I needed to defend myself, I calmly stated no, that isn’t right or no, that wouldn’t work for me & not budge from this position.  My mother couldn’t get too angry because I was being reasonable.

I also learned how to pick my battles.  If the matter was important, I would calmly say she was incorrect & state the facts.  If it wasn’t important to me, I just let it go.

To do this, I leaned on God a lot.  I asked Him to guide me & that He did.  It wasn’t easy but with His help, my mother eventually began to respect my boundaries & be less critical.  It wasn’t perfect but for the most part, our relationship was better by the time we went no contact.

If you are in a similar situation with a narcissistic parent, it can be hard to know where to start. I would encourage you to start by praying, then by setting boundaries.  Calmly stated boundaries with consequences will let your parent know that you will not tolerate their abuse or manipulation anymore.  It may take time, but eventually they will start to understand that you are serious.

If you are struggling with the aftermath of narcissistic child abuse, I also encourage you to prioritize your own self-care.  This will feel strange at first, prioritizing yourself but you can do it!  Do whatever helps your mental health.  

Remember that you deserve to be treated with kindness & respect, & that you have the right to set boundaries & defend yourself.  It may take time & effort, but with patience & perseverance, you’ll learn to set boundaries & take good care of yourself!

Adults Who Were Invalidated In Childhood: The Lasting Effects

Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, but the scars are often invisible.  Children who are invalidated, or told that their feelings & experiences are not valid, carry that pain into adulthood.  The effects can lead to a lack of self-esteem, difficulty with relationships, & a constant need for validation from others.  Today, we’ll discuss signs of invalidation & ways that adults who were invalidated as children may still be impacted by that trauma.

Some common signs of invalidation include:

Telling children to be understanding of those who hurt them: When a child is hurt by someone else, it’s important to validate their feelings & let them know that it’s not ok for someone to hurt them.  If a child is told to just “get over it” or “be the bigger person,” they learn that their own feelings are not important.

Saying they’re oversensitive: Children who are told that they’re “too sensitive” learn to suppress their emotions.  This leads to a lack of emotional regulation & difficulty expressing themselves later in life.

Parents mocked their likes & dreams: When a child is excited about something, whether it’s a new hobby or career aspiration, it’s important to encourage & support them.  However, if a child’s interests are constantly belittled, they learn to hide their passions & desires.

Children who were invalidated develop dysfunctional coping mechanisms to deal with the pain & trauma they experience.  Some common behaviors include:

Seeking validation from others: Adults who were invalidated as children have a constant need for validation from others.  They seek out those who will validate their feelings & experiences, & struggle with feeling like they’re not “good enough” without that validation.

Not allowing themselves to show vulnerability to others: Because adults who were invalidated learned their feelings are not important, they struggle with showing vulnerability to others.  They may feel like they need to appear confidentt, & struggle with asking for help when they need it.

Apologizing often: Adults who were invalidated feel like they’re always in the wrong, even when they’re not.  They apologize excessively or take on blame that isn’t theirs in order to avoid conflict or criticism.

Over-explaining: Because adults who were invalidated learned that their experiences & feelings are not valid, they often feel like they need to explain themselves.  This leads to over-explaining or defending oneself excessively, even when it’s not necessary.

Perfectionism: Adults who were invalidated often feel like they need to be perfect in order to be acceptable or loveable.  They have high expectations for themselves & struggle with failure, which frequently leads to anxiety & depression.

Healing from emotional abuse isn’t easy, but it’s possible.  Some things that are helpful include:

Prayer:  God is the only one who truly understands how you feel.  He made you, so He obviously knows you better than anyone.  Allow Him to help you heal & to teach you what you need to do to heal.

Self-compassion: Learning to be kind & compassionate to oneself is a powerful tool for healing.  Forgive your mistakes easily.  Practice self-care & self-compassion on a regular basis.

Learn to practice self validation rather than relying on others to validate you:  Adults who were invalidated as children need to learn to validate their own feelings & experiences & to value their own opinion of themselves more than that of others.

Invalidation has long-lasting effects on a person’s mental health & ability to form healthy relationships.  However, healing is possible.

Sometimes Illness & Injury Can Make Us Self Centered

When we think of narcissism, we often associate it with selfish & self centered individuals who only care about themselves.  However, sometimes when a person becomes seriously ill or injured, they may exhibit similar behavior.  It’s crucial to recognize that this self centeredness doesn’t necessarily mean they are true narcissists.  Instead, it stems from the necessity to focus on their healing or adapting to a new disability.

As someone who has experienced this firsthand, I can attest to the profound impact serious health concerns can have on one’s perspective & behavior.  After barely surviving carbon monoxide poisoning, I found myself constantly thinking about my own well being.  Simple tasks that were once effortless became daunting, as was the fear of never fully recovering.  This experience made me realize the importance of acknowledging & addressing this self centeredness. 

When faced with a severe illness or injury, individuals often find themselves forced to prioritize their own well being.  Whether it’s the physical healing process or adjusting to life with a disability, the focus becomes very centered on oneself.  This shift in perspective is not necessarily a sign of narcissism but rather a necessary response to the immediate challenges at hand.

During my recovery from carbon monoxide poisoning, I had to redirect my attention to the simplest tasks that I once performed effortlessly.  Suddenly simple things became monumental endeavors.  The fear of not fully recovering & the uncertainty of the future intensified this self centeredness.  It was a survival mechanism, a way to cope with my “new normal” but it easily could have become a problem in my relationships.

It’s important to remember that when someone is going through this self centered phase, they may not even realize it themselves.  They are deeply immersed in their own struggles & challenges that make it difficult for them to consider others as they once did.  This realization can help us approach them with empathy & understanding while also helping them to broaden their focus.

When someone we care about is going through a serious health concern, they need plenty of reassurance & support.  Letting them know that you are there for them can provide a sense of comfort & help alleviate some of their fears & anxieties.  It’s also equally important to prioritize your own well being in the process.

As a caregiver or supporter, it’s easy to get caught up in the needs & demands of the person who needs your help.  While you can be there for them, it’s equally crucial to take care of yourself.  Neglecting your own needs leads to burnout & resentment, ultimately hindering your ability to provide the support they need & taking a toll on your mental health.

Changing the subject sometimes to your own experiences or challenges can be a gentle way to introduce the idea that they may be talking about themselves excessively.  By sharing your own stories & struggles, you can subtly encourage them to broaden their conversations & shift their focus.  However, this approach should be handled delicately, ensuring that they are open to such discussions & receptive to feedback.

It’s important to recognize that this self centeredness is not limited to any specific group of individuals.  Anyone facing significant health challenges can exhibit these behaviors. 

By recognizing the underlying reasons for this behavior, we can avoid labeling individuals as narcissists who don’t deserve that label.  Instead, we can offer support, reassurance, & gentle guidance to help them navigate their journey.

Why Victims Of Child Abuse Are Often Drawn To Unusual Things

Growing up with a childhood of abuse has many deep lasting effects that follow us into adulthood.  One of those effects can be an attraction to things that are unusual or have been judged negatively by society.  People from childhoods marked by abuse often find themselves drawn to things others may not understand.  For example, it’s not uncommon for those with histories of child abuse to be drawn to thunderstorms, scary stories, true crime documentaries, abandoned homes, old furniture, animals that are feared, & plants that are perceived to be “weeds.”

This kind of unusual attraction can be because on some level, these unusual things provide solace and comfort to the abuse survivors, a sense of kinship that has been absent from their lives.  When a person has grown up knowing fully well that they are unloved & unwanted, it is natural for them to develop an affinity for things of life that have been discarded by other people.

When abuse survivors encounter unusual things like old toys or animals that nobody seems to care about, they unconsciously recognize something familiar in those objects or creatures.  They empathize with them & the rejection they have endured.  They also want to let them know that they are not the only ones who have been ostracized.  Child abuse survivors can also develop a powerful bond with the natural world.  Storms, in particular, give them a feeling of inner peace.

Another reason why victims of child abuse are often drawn to unusual things is that it provides a sense of comfort & security — something that was often lacking in an abusive childhood.  These unusual things won’t reject them as their parents did, & in the case of animals, offer them unconditional love, possibly for the first time in their life.

Being drawn to scary stories & true crime offer an outlet for the feelings they never were able to feel for themselves.  It’s perfectly acceptable to feel compassion & empathy for victims in such stories, which gives victims a safe outlet for those emotions they should’ve been allowed to feel for themselves.

Another common behavior for a child abuse survivor may be when they find insects in their home to let them out unharmed instead of crushing them, as though life is too precious to be taken away from anyone – even the smallest of creatures.  The feeling of wanting no one & no thing to feel the way they have been feeling is, by its nature, a deeply profound & powerful emotion, which explains why child abuse survivors develop an affinity with the unusual.

The ability to find solace in the unusual can show tremendous strength & resilience in the face of adversity.  It gives victims of child abuse a way to take back control of their lives & find something positive in a situation where many would see only darkness.  By finding joy in strange & unusual things, victims of child abuse can reclaim their lives & find a newfound sense of self-worth.

Understanding Shame Based Trauma Responses

Shame based trauma means growing up in an environment where every mistake, every flaw, & every aspect of your true self was met with shame & ridicule.  Whether it was through emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, the shame inflicted during formative years leaves a lasting impact on adult lives.  Healing is possible, but it takes some time & learning who we are as children of God. 

Overthinking is a common response to shame based trauma as it becomes a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from any possible abusive reaction.  Constantly analyzing every situation & anticipating potential negative outcomes allows us to stay one step ahead, or so we believe.  However, overthinking is exhausting & detrimental to our mental health.

When we have been shamed for even normal aspects of ourselves such as appearance, personality, or interests, it becomes ingrained in our psyche that we must constantly be on guard.  We second guess our decisions, replay conversations in our minds, & obsess over every detail.  Overthinking becomes a way to avoid potential shame & criticism, but it also keeps us trapped in a cycle of self doubt & anxiety.

To break free from overthinking, it is crucial to challenge shame based beliefs that fuel this response.  Learn to question these beliefs, & ask God to tell you the truth about them, rather than simply accepting them.

Another common response to shame based trauma is over apologizing.  When we have been shamed for the most basic aspects of ourselves, we develop a deep fear of conflict & a desire to avoid further abuse.  Apologizing excessively becomes a way to deescalate situations & minimize the chance for conflict.

However, this constant need to apologize can be detrimental to self esteem.  It reinforces the belief that we are inherently flawed & responsible for the actions of others.  Over apologizing also can lead to feelings of resentment or frustration in our relationships.

To overcome over apologizing, it is essential to recognize that we have a right to take up space, have & express needs, & set boundaries.  Building self confidence & assertiveness skills can help us find a balance between acknowledging our mistakes & taking responsibility, without unnecessarily apologizing for who we are.

Shame based trauma can also impact our ability to trust ourselves & others.  When we have been shamed for not meeting unrealistic expectations or for failing to blindly trust those who hurt & abuse us, we begin to doubt our intuition & judgment.  This leads to being too trusting as a defense mechanism, as we fear the consequences of not trusting others.

Being too trusting leads to further abuse & exploitation.  We find ourselves repeatedly drawn to toxic relationships or falling prey to manipulators & abusers, leading to repeated disappointment & betrayal.

Rebuilding trust in ourselves & others requires healing & learning.  It involves recognizing & validating our own emotions & intuition, setting healthy boundaries, & surrounding ourselves with only safe, supportive & trustworthy people. 

After a lack of healthy bonding to abusive parents, it is natural to experience anxiety in connecting with others.  The innate human desire for connection remains, but the fear of being hurt or rejected becomes deeply ingrained.  This fear can manifest as social anxiety, fear of intimacy, or difficulty forming & maintaining relationships.

When we have been shamed for the most fundamental aspects of ourselves, we may struggle with feelings of unworthiness & a belief that we are inherently unlovable.  This makes it challenging to trust others & reveal our true selves, as we fear being met with further shame & rejection.

Overcoming this anxiety requires self compassion, healing & exposure to safe people.  It is also important to remember that we are not defined by our past experiences & that we have the capacity to form healthy & fulfilling connections.

Shame based trauma responses have a profound impact on our thoughts, behaviors, & relationships.  However, through getting to know who God says we are, self awareness, & healing, we can break free from these patterns & cultivate a life filled with self acceptance, healthy boundaries, & meaningful connections.

Extreme Independence Is A Trauma Response

Many of us who have been abused have turned out to be extremely independent.  Although we have relationships in our lives, we try not to rely on other people at all, often even when we really need some help.  And, we often end up angry & resentful because people are so willing to let us help them while they rarely help us.  This makes us withdraw & maintain our independence or even become even more independent.  This behavior reinforces our lack of needing help to others in our lives, so they help or offer to help us even less, & the dysfunctional cycle continues.

Extreme independence is a trauma response in many people, & it happens for valid reasons. 

When you grow up with abusive parents, you learn people can’t be trusted to help you.  Abusive parents fail to meet many of their children’s most basic needs.  Even if they provide food, clothing & shelter, they fail to provide emotional support, to teach their children basic life skills & more.  Instead, they teach their children not to expect them to take care of them, becoming angry with them if they do.  Such treatment teaches children that if they want to avoid other people’s anger, disappointment or being hurt, they need to rely only on themselves when they have needs.

Narcissistic parents are possibly the most effective abusive parents when it comes to creating extremely independent children.  They are too self absorbed to notice let alone care about their children’s needs.  Many also expect their children to take care of them instead of them taking care of their children.  Children in these situations aren’t allowed needs, only the parent is allowed to have them, so children learn to meet their own needs quietly without inconveniencing their parent.  These children also have learned a very painful lesson.  That lesson is when they “bother” their parent with their needs, they are a burden & disappointment to that parent.  Overt narcissistic parents often rage at their children for having the audacity to bother them with their needs.  Covert narcissistic parents are quieter, but still make sure their children know they shouldn’t inconvenience their parent with their needs.  They act disappointed in their child, making the child feel guilty or even ashamed of themselves.  Many narcissistic parents also twist the situation around to return the focus back on the parent.  They may claim they work so hard & sacrifice so much for their child, yet all he or she does is want more.  Or if the parent doesn’t want to meet the child’s need, that parent may claim they are unable to do anything about meeting this need, & even make their child feel badly for them.

Other abusive relationships can cause someone to become extremely independent, too.  Consider the significant other who is too busy with other people to help you when needed or the friend who constantly asks for your help but never helps you.  After being disappointed by these people repeatedly, most people naturally will pull away from them & ask less of them & other people.

If you are extremely independent, learning to be more balanced isn’t easy.  I know, because I struggle with this too.  I also can tell you there is no magical fix for this problem.  It takes time & a willingness to change.  Asking God to help you is the best place to start in my opinion, then do whatever He says to do.  Following His lead will put you on the right path.  Also ask the safe people in your life for help sometimes.  They will be very glad to help you, even if that help is simply to encourage you.  Doing this will help you to gain confidence in the area of asking for help.

Lastly, always continue to learn & grow.  The healthier you become, the easier it becomes to lose toxic habits & mindsets, & also to have a more balanced view of independence.

When People Make You Feel Overly Responsible For Your Relationships

In 2014, I shared a picture on Facebook.  It was taken on my parents’ wedding day in 1969.  In the picture, they were standing by my father’s car, talking to my mother’s uncle.  A rather innocent picture that I mistakenly thought even my highly judgmental, critical family wouldn’t have a problem with me sharing.  I was wrong.

The first comment was from one cousin.  She mentioned how my father & I shared a love of old cars.  He always taught me about cars.  Not only maintenance, but identifying engines, years, makes & models.  I said it was about the only thing we had in common but we really did share that love of cars.  She didn’t respond to my comment.  One of our aunts, however, did.  She was a very devoted flying monkey & covert narcissist, as is evident by her reaction.

This aunt attacked me & said I needed to figure out more things to share with my father.  She was so hateful that I simply deleted her comment without responding.  I knew anything I said would fall on deaf ears, so it wasn’t worth my time or energy to explain my side to her.

Wasn’t this ridiculous though?! My aunt said I should be the one to change to please my father.  Obviously she didn’t care about me, my feelings or interests.  She never told my father about how he should try to get interested in things I like to please me.  And, as the icing on the cake, she was disrespectful & down right hateful in sharing her ludicrous opinions with me.

This is how it often is with adult children of narcissistic parents.  We are the ones given the responsibility of making relationships in our lives work.  We grow up knowing we must figure out how to please our parents at all times.  After we grow up, it seems that not only are we supposed to make the parental relationship work, but other relationships too.  Marriages, in-laws, friendships, coworker relationships.. all are our responsibility according to many people in our lives. 

In thinking about this, I have developed a theory about why people think it’s up to victims to make relationships work.  We are the safe ones to put that burden on.

Consider my situation with my aunt.  She remembers me as the blindly obedient, terrified child I once was.  She clearly thought I was still easy to boss around & probably still starved for the approval of my parents.  These factors would make me the easier person to confront in this situation than my father who, like her, was a covert narcissist.  It makes sense in a way that she took the easy route by dealing with me instead of him.

While in an odd way, it’s almost a complement that someone feels safe so with you, it still just, well, stinks!  It’s not right for people to make you feel as if you’re the one who needs to do all the work & make all the changes in that situation!  If they are going to talk to you about making changes, they should talk to the other person as well.

If you are in this situation, you have rights!  You can ask this person why they think it’s ok to put this pressure on you while saying nothing to the other person (which might get them off your back because they can have no good answer to this question!).  You can tell them this topic isn’t up for discussion & refuse to discuss it with them.  You can set whatever boundaries you need to in order not to take full responsibility for fixing things, because that responsibility is not 100% yours!  Don’t let someone make you feel as if it is.  You deserve better than that!

Sometimes God Tells Us To Go No Contact With Our Parents

When a person is considering severing ties with their parent or has done it, they are often met with extreme judgment from other people.  It’s astounding to me that people who don’t even have any vested interest in the relationship are so quick to judge & criticize.  They adult children in this situation that they should fix their relationship with their parent, forgive & forget anything their parents do, & other nonsense.  They know nothing of the situation, so why do they think they know just what someone in this situation needs to do?!  And, what makes them think that the adult child hasn’t tried to fix the relationship or hasn’t forgiven their parent probably thousands of times?

Then there are those whose knowledge of the Bible is limited, but they preach Exodus 10:12 (which says children should honor their parents) as if they know the entire Bible well.  I’ve been in this situation.  The person who said this to me is one of the most dysfunctional & toxic people I’ve ever known.  I honestly don’t know how she even knows that Scripture since I’m unsure if she’s even opened a Bible in her life. 

For those of you in this situation, I truly understand.  I went no contact with my parents & the pressure from outsiders who knew nothing of my situation was intense.  My parents were both in their late 70’s at the time, so abandoning my elderly parents looked extremely selfish & cruel to anyone who didn’t know about the situation.  Yet I knew it had to be done.  Even so, I doubted sometimes.  I felt like God told me when & how to go no contact with my parents, but even so, sometimes, I wondered if I misheard His voice or made it up because I was at my wit’s end.  The guilt was terrible because of that. Then one day, I realized something.  God DOES tell people to go no contact with their parents sometimes.

If you haven’t read the story of Abraham in the Bible, I recommend it.  The story is fascinating & his faith in God is inspiring.  Also, God told him to leave his family.  Yes, God spoke to him & told Abraham to leave his family!  Pretty incredible, isn’t it?  But this is true, & it’s in the Bible in Genesis 12:1-3.  In the Amplified translation, it says,  “Now [in Haran] the Lord had said to Abram, “Go away from your country, And from your relatives And from your father’s house, To the land which I will show you; ² And I will make you a great nation,And I will bless you [abundantly], And make your name great (exalted, distinguished); And you shall be a blessing [a source of great good to others];  ³ And I will bless (do good for, benefit) those who bless you, And I will curse [that is, subject to My wrath and judgment] the one who curses (despises, dishonors, has contempt for) you.  And in you all the families (nations) of the earth will be blessed.”

I know there are people who abandon their parents from purely selfish motives.  They feel that if their parents can’t serve them somehow, they must get them out of their lives.  However, in my experience in studying & writing about Narcissistic Personality Disorder since 2011, every single person I’ve met who has severed ties with their parents did so because their parent continually hurt them, often also hurting their spouse & children. 

If you are reading this, I feel very safe in assuming that you are in the majority.   You had valid reasons for going no contact with your parent.  I also feel safe in assuming you have had times of wrestling with tremendous guilt for doing so as I did.  If you are, then today please know that it’s ok!  There are times even God tells His children, “It’s time to move on.  Leave your family.”  God doesn’t always ask us to do what is easy or popular.  Sometimes, He asks us to do things that are really tough, like leaving our family behind & moving somewhere else where God can bless us.

When One Parent Does Nothing While The Other Is Abusive

Many people who suffered childhood abuse tell a similar story.  One parent was obviously abusive.  They raged, screamed, beat &/or controlled their children & their spouse.  Their spouse was helpless to do anything to stop the abuse, as they too were a victim of the obviously abusive parent.  They often defend this parent to anyone who dares to criticize that parent, including the obviously abusive parent.

This was my story.  Growing up, my mother was clearly the parent in charge.  Not only in charge of me, but my father too.  As I got older & my mother’s abuse became worse, my father let me know that was my problem.  I remember one day confiding in him something private that I knew my mother would be furious about.  He patted me on my leg & left the room.  I knew in my gut that he was basically saying, “Wow.. sucks to be you!  You’re on your own!”  At the time, I chalked it up to him being under her control as much as I was.  A few years later, when her abuse hit its peak with me, he often told me it was so hard on him, & there was nothing he could do to help me.

It wasn’t until I was almost 40 did I realize how wrong this was!

No parent should betray their child by siding with anyone who deliberately hurts their child for any reason, & this includes their spouse.  Siding with that person doesn’t necessarily mean holding the child down while that person abuses them either.  Defending or excusing their behavior is just as bad, & does just as much damage.  If that parent also claims to be a helpless victim like their child, that makes a terrible situation even worse, & causes a tremendous amount of damage to a child.

This toxic situation causes a child to focus all of their anger on their obviously abusive parent & protect the supposed victim parent no matter what it costs them.  And it will cost them dearly!  Their abusive parent may hurt them even more for defending that parent.  The parent they protect will use their devotion to take advantage of them.  These victimized parents know that their victim role gains them whatever they want from their children, & many of them will use that knowledge to manipulate & control their children so subtly, that their children rarely see it, even as adults.

This situation also causes trouble with the child’s relationships.  It’s hard to be friends with someone who constantly wants their parent to tag along when you two are supposed to go somewhere together.  Dating or marrying someone with this type of relationship is even harder.  No one wants an intrusive mother or father in-law butting into their marriage, & constantly making demands of their spouse.  Feeling like a lower priority to your spouse than their parent is a horrible feeling! 

It also takes a toll on a person’s mental health.  Depression, anxiety, guilt, shame & anger are normal after this type of abuse.  Admitting one parent was abusive is hard enough.  Admitting both parents are is an entirely different level of suffering. 

Most people can’t see the truth about the supposed victimized parent in these situations.  They make things worse by telling the child to take care of their parent or they don’t know what that parent would do without them.

As painful as it may be, you must face the truth of your situation.  It’s going to be difficult, but it is less difficult than continuing to wear blinders.  The truth will help you to be mentally healthier.  The truth really does set us free in so many ways! 

And, if you’re still in a relationship with your parents or live with them, then learn all you can about ways to deal with them that protects your mental health & relationships.  Set boundaries on what you will & won’t do for them.  Change the subject if they start trying to involve you in their marriage.  Hang up the phone or leave the room.  My website, www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com has information on this topic.  Most of all pray.  Ask God for creative & effective ways to deal with your parents.  With His help, you can handle this situation!

Growing Up With A Raging Parent Does A Lot Of Damage

The fear & uncertainty that come with living with a raging parent have profound effects on a child’s development & outlook on life.  Today we will explore two distinct ways in which these effects can manifest. 

In homes with raging parents, children often learn that their voice holds no weight, leading them to stop speaking freely & trusting others.  They witness their parent’s explosive reactions to the slightest provocation & quickly realize that expressing their thoughts, feelings, or needs only results in more anger.  As a result, they become hesitant to open up to anyone, fearing that they will face the same wrath they experience at home.  This silence can manifest in various ways, such as withdrawing from social interactions, avoiding personal conversations, or even muting their own desires & dreams.  They try to avoid their parent & risk upsetting them, so they often spend a lot of time alone in their room. 

Living with a raging parent instills a deep sense of mistrust within a child.  They learn that confiding in their parent during times of need or distress is futile & may even worsen the situation.  This lack of trust can have long lasting effects on their relationships, making it difficult for them to form deep connections or rely on others for assistance.

Furthermore, children living with raging parents often try to shrink themselves, both physically & emotionally, to avoid triggering their parent’s anger.  They learn to walk on eggshells & become hyper-vigilant, always on the lookout for any signs of potential outbursts.  This constant state of tension & fear leads to feelings of anxiety, low self esteem, & a distorted sense of self.  They may become overly submissive, accommodating, & try to be invisible, believing that their only chance at survival lies in appeasing their raging parent.

On the other end of the spectrum, some children who grow up with raging parents respond by mirroring the same behavior.  They internalize their parent’s anger & unleash it onto others, including their abusive parents, disregarding the consequences.  These children develop a defiant attitude, believing that fighting back is the only way to regain control & protect themselves from further harm.

Their rebellion may extend beyond their interactions with their parents.  They may seek solace in the company of individuals who share their destructive tendencies, finding comfort in the chaos they create together.  These relationships often perpetuate the cycle of abuse, leaving the child trapped in a web of toxic dynamics & unhealthy coping mechanisms.

For these children, their parent’s rage becomes a catalyst for their own destructive behavior.  They engage in risky activities, challenge authority figures, or act out in school.  This rebellion is an attempt to regain a sense of power & control, even if it comes at the expense of their well-being.

Lastly, some children who grow up with raging parents experience a combination of the two scenarios.  They may appear quiet & submissive for a significant period of time.  However, there comes a breaking point where they can no longer bear the weight of their parent’s anger.  Suddenly, they rebel.

During this rebellious phase, they may seek solace in the wrong crowd, gravitating towards individuals who validate their anger & provide an outlet for their pent up emotions.  These relationships often lead to further harm & reinforce negative patterns of behavior.

This combination effect is a rollercoaster of emotions, swinging between silence & rebellion.  It reflects the internal turmoil that these children experience, torn between their need for safety & their desire to break free from the cycle of abuse.  This was my experience & I can tell you, it is very painful to go through!

Growing up with a raging parent can have profound & lasting effects on a child’s life.  It is crucial to recognize & address these effects to break the cycle of abuse & provide support to those who have endured this suffering. 

The Subtle Destruction & Evil Of Too Close Families

Some families are so tightly knit that no outsider can penetrate their bond.  They appear loving, supportive, & inseparable.  However, beneath the surface, this seemingly close knit family is a breeding ground for destruction, ensnaring its members in a web of enmeshment.  Enmeshed families are characterized by their inability to create healthy boundaries, resulting in the exclusion of friends, the shunning of spouses, & the deterioration of marriages.  Today’s goal is to explore the insidious nature of enmeshment, its devastating consequences, & how victims of enmeshed families can break free using the teachings of Christianity.

Enmeshment is a phenomenon that can be so subtle that it often goes unnoticed until it has already wreaked havoc on the lives of its victims.  In enmeshed families, the concept of individuality is sacrificed for the sake of maintaining an illusion of being a happy, loving family.  Friends are few & far between, as the family demands all of its members’ time, attention, & loyalty.  This exclusivity leaves virtually no room for personal growth or the cultivation of meaningful relationships outside the family circle.

When individuals marry into an enmeshed family, they quickly realize that their spouse’s loyalty lies first & foremost with their family of origin.  This dysfunctional prioritization often leads to a tumultuous marriage, with the enmeshed spouse consistently choosing their family over their partner.  As a result, the non-enmeshed spouse feels neglected, unimportant, & constantly competing for attention & affection from their enmeshed spouse.

Enmeshment treats adults like children, stripping them of their individuality & independence.  Every decision, big or small, is subject to the approval & control of the enmeshed family.  This dysfunction stifles personal growth & perpetuates a cycle of dependency & emotional manipulation.  Enmeshment thrives on lies like “family always comes first,” & “No one loves you like your family!” which is contrary to the teachings of Christianity.

2 Corinthians 11:14 reminds us that evil can disguise itself, appearing harmless or even beneficial.  Enmeshment, with its veneer of love & togetherness, is a perfect example of this deception.  Like the enemy Jesus described in John 10:10, enmeshment steals, kills, & destroys the very essence of its victims’ identities, independence, & normalcy. 

Victims of enmeshment often suffer in silence, unaware of the sinister nature of their situation.  They grew up believing that their family’s behavior is normal & that their suffering is a result of their own inadequacies.  However, by recognizing the truth & seeking to break free from enmeshment, they can begin to reclaim their lives & experience the abundant, fulfilling life that God intended for them.

In order to escape enmeshment, victims must question the lies that have been ingrained in their minds.  They must challenge those false beliefs, like family always comes first, & replace them with the truth such as God’s love encompasses all relationships & calls for healthy boundaries.  To do these things, it helps to have a close relationship with God, to read your Bible often & to have Godly, supportive friends who encourage, help & pray for & with you.

The teachings of Jesus emphasize the value of individuality, love, & healthy relationships.  By focusing on these principles, victims can find solace, support, & the courage to take the necessary steps towards freedom such as setting healthy boundaries.

It is essential for victims to understand that breaking free from enmeshment is a gradual process.  Healing takes time, patience, & self compassion.  It won’t happen over night but it will happen.  I did it, with God’s love, support & guidance.

Enmeshment is a truly sinister force that can disguise itself as love & unity.  Never underestimate its evil.  Its destructive power is evident in lost identities, shattered independence, & fractured marriages it leaves in its wake.  To break free from the clutches of enmeshment, victims must embrace the truth, & draw strength from their faith.  By doing so, they can emerge from the darkness & experience the fullness of life that God intended for them.

For more in depth information, check out my book on enmeshment at the following link…

https://books2read.com/u/47VO5E

Excuses People Give For Not Believing Abuse Victims And Why They Are Wrong

People are often very slow to believe victims of abuse unless they have obvious signs of trauma, such as broken bones or bruises.  There are no such glaring pieces of evidence when a person has been abused verbally, financially or spiritually.  This makes it so hard for victims of narcissistic abuse to be believed.  Today, I want to discuss some of the common excuses people give for not believing victims, & explain why they are wrong.

“He/She is such a good person!  There is no way they could be abusive!”  Abusers craft an image of themselves specifically to make people think exactly this.  It’s very successful, because abusers make sure never to let their mask slip in front of people other than their victims.  Many people don’t realize this is how abusers operate & they believe the good person act.

“I’ve never seen them hurt anyone.”  Of course not!  Abusers save their worst behavior for when they are alone with their victim.  Abusing with witnesses would mean people would see abusers as abusive instead of a good person.  That is something no abuser wants to happen!  Plus, if others knew about the abuse, they might try to put a stop to it, which is something else no abuser wants to happen.

“But they’re a teacher/pastor/nurse/police officer/whatever.  They must be a good person!”  Absolutely NOT!  There are a lot of truly wonderful people who work in these helping professions, but there are also many narcissists in them.  Narcissists love such careers because people admire them for being such a good person & because they have power over others when they are in these positions. 

“They have nothing but good things to say about their kids.  Clearly they are a wonderful parent.”  Many abusers brag about their children, but unlike healthy, functional parents, it isn’t because they love their children or are proud of them.  They brag about them because they want people to see them as amazing parents, & how better to prove you’re an amazing parent than to brag about your child’s successes & talents?

“She is your mother/He is your father.  Parents always love their children!”  No, they do NOT.  In cases where their young children are murdered, parents are responsible over half of the time.  And, according to one statistic I saw online, about 450 children are murdered each year by their parents.  No, parents don’t always love their children.

“They were abused when they were growing up, so they can’t help what they do.”  If this was true, then almost every single person alive would be an abusive monster.  While it does happen sometimes that abusive parents repeat the abuse that was perpetrated against them by their parents, more frequently, victims grow up to be caring, kind people who love their children & try never to hurt them.

“You’re angry, & badmouthing this person because of that.”  Remember what I said earlier about narcissists crafting a false image of themselves as a good person?  Part of that image is to maintain a calm demeanor around people other than their victim.  They also will calmly drive their victims to the point of rage in public so when their victim becomes rightfully outraged, the victim looks like the problem.

“You two were just toxic together.”  People can be a bad match without abusing each other.  A bad match is very different than when someone abuses their significant other.

“They say you’re lying & they didn’t abuse you.”  As if any abuser readily would admit to being abusive. 

Are You Or Your Siblings Narcissists?

Growing up with narcissistic parents leaves lasting scars, often leading to a range of questions & doubts about oneself & the dynamics within the family.  Many adult children of narcissistic parents wonder if they or their siblings are also narcissists.  While this is relatively rare, it does happen, so today I’ll explain some signs to look for. 

First, I think it’s important to know almost everyone with narcissistic parents can display narcissistic tendencies.  That isn’t a sure sign of having Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but rather simply a sign of having narcissistic parents.  When someone realizes those tendencies cause pain & problems & makes appropriate changes, clearly they aren’t a full blown narcissist.  If they refuse to make changes in spite of knowing their behavior hurts others, that is a sign of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

One of the most obvious signs that you or your siblings might have narcissistic traits is the tendency to mirror your parents’ behavior & opinions.  Parents have a strong influence on children’s beliefs & perspectives, but children rarely behave & think exactly like their parents.  With narcissistic parents, children think & behave almost exactly like their parents.

Narcissistic parents often play favorites among their children, pitting siblings against each other & creating a toxic & competitive atmosphere within the family.  Showing favoritism among siblings & constantly seeking validation from your parents are signs of narcissistic tendencies.

Additionally, after the passing of narcissistic parents, it is not uncommon for one or more siblings to take over special occasions or family traditions, disregarding the desires & needs of the rest of the family.  This is a need for control & dominance which is another red flag of narcissism.

Another sign of narcissism is the tendency to exclude one another from the family loop.  Narcissistic parents often manipulate their children, creating divisions & fostering a sense of superiority within the family.  Anyone aligning with parents’ perspectives & purposely excluding siblings from family events or important decisions is displaying signs of narcissism. 

Furthermore, envy & competition among siblings are the normal scenario in families damaged by narcissistic parenting.  Siblings try to make their siblings envy them while envying them, creating a vicious cycle of rivalry & resentment.  This envy leads to petty & entitled behavior that is common among narcissists.

During difficult times, narcissists reveal their true colors.  Instead of offering support & comfort, they are more likely to rub salt in the wounds, relishing in the hardship of their siblings.  This lack of empathy & the willingness to inflict further pain are very clear signs of narcissistic behavior.

Narcissistic parents gaslight their children, denying any wrongdoing or problems within the family.  Unfortunately, this behavior can be passed down to their offspring, leading to a cycle of denial & abuse.  If you or your siblings find yourselves dismissing or denying the emotional abuse you endured during your upbringing, it is crucial to recognize this is extremely dysfunctional behavior.  It also can be a red flag of narcissism.

Moreover, narcissists align with their narcissistic parents, defending their actions & disregarding the pain & suffering caused by their behavior.  This loyalty to the narcissistic parents while simultaneously complaining about them is a classic sign of narcissism.  It perpetuates a toxic cycle within the family

In conclusion, while it is relatively rare for adult children of narcissistic parents to develop narcissistic traits themselves, it does happen.  Recognizing the signs is so important for your mental health.

The Joy of Playing After Childhood Abuse

Childhood is supposed to be a time of innocence, wonder, & carefree play.  It’s a time when we should learn about the world around us, develop friendships, & create lasting memories.  Unfortunately, for those who have experienced abuse during their formative years, the concept of childhood joy feels like a distant dream.  The trauma of abuse steals the opportunity simply to be a child & enjoy simple childhood pleasures.  However, as adults, we have the power to reclaim what was lost.  One way to do this is by reconnecting with the act of playing.

It may feel daunting to embrace playfulness as an adult, especially if we never had the chance to experience it fully as children.  However, by rediscovering the activities we missed out on, we can bring back a sense of childlike wonder & joy into our lives.  Engaging in play as an adult can act as a form of therapy.

When we engage in play, our brains release endorphins, which are neurotransmitters that promote feelings of happiness & well being.  These endorphins can help counteract some of the negative emotions associated with childhood abuse, such as sadness, anger, or fear.  Even a short break from such emotions is a wonderful thing!

One way to reconnect with your inner child is by revisiting the toys & activities you loved as children.  Whether it’s playing with action figures, building blocks, or puzzles, immersing ourselves in these familiar experiences can be incredibly therapeutic.  If you no longer have the toys from our childhood, search for them online or in antique stores. 

While solitary play can be incredibly fulfilling, involving others in our playtime can enhance our relationships & create lasting memories.  Consider inviting your significant other or other loved ones to join in the fun.  This shared experience can deepen connections.  From playing board games to challenging each other in video games, the possibilities for shared play are endless. 

Now that you understand the importance of play in healing, let’s explore activities that can help you reconnect with your inner child & find joy in the present moment.

Remember the sheer delight of blowing bubbles?  The simple act of creating iridescent orbs that float through the air can be incredibly soothing & mesmerizing.  Have fun watching bubbles dance in the sunlight.  Allow yourself to be fully present in this moment.

Cartoons & movies have a unique ability to transport you to another world.  Set aside some time to indulge in your favorite childhood cartoons or discover new ones that spark joy.  Immerse yourself in the colorful worlds, & grab some popcorn. 

Dressing up allows you to step into different roles & explore your creativity.  Raid your wardrobe or visit a thrift store to find costumes & accessories that resonate with your inner child.  Let your imagination run wild.  Feel the joy of embracing a different persona & allow yourself to escape into a world of make believe.

Stephen King calls books, “A uniquely portable magic,” & I agree with him.  Revisit the stories that captivated you as a child & allow yourself to get lost in them once again.  Collect those special books.  I collect the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books I loved as a child, & reading them always brings me joy.

While childhood abuse may have robbed you of the joy & innocence of being a child, you have the power to reclaim what was lost & heal our wounded inner selves.  By embracing playfulness as adults, you can reconnect with your inner child & find solace, healing, & joy in the activities we missed out on.  Approach play with a sense of curiosity, wonder, & let go of our adult worries.  So, dust off your toys, & open your heart to play.

Behaviors Developed By Neglected Children

Imagine what it’s like growing up in an environment where you constantly feel uncared for, never good enough, & as if you’re a burden on your parents simply by existing.  This heartbreaking reality is experienced by far too many children, & the impact it has on their development is profound.  Children who grow up neglected often develop a range of dysfunctional behaviors that persist into adulthood, shaping their relationships, self perception, & overall well being.  Today we will talk about some of them.

**Please note that this post is only about children who have experienced neglect rather than obvious abuse. **

When children grow up neglected, they internalize a deep sense of inadequacy.  They constantly feel as though they are not good enough & their presence is a burden.  These feelings seep into every aspect of their lives.

Neglected children struggle to accept compliments from others.  They find it difficult to believe that they are deserving of praise, as they have been conditioned to believe that they are inherently flawed.  Consequently, when someone compliments them, they are surprised, dismissive, or tell the person why their complement is wrong.

Feeling inadequate also can lead neglected children to become withdrawn & hesitant to express their thoughts or feelings, fearing that their words will be met with indifference or rejection.  They feel that their opinions & experiences are inconsequential.

Another common pattern developed by children who grow up feeling neglected is a lack of trust in others.  When their caregivers fail to provide the love, attention, & support they need, they learn that it is unsafe to rely on others.  This persists into adulthood, making it challenging for them to form meaningful & healthy relationships.

To compensate for their perceived inadequacy & gain validation, neglected children often become people pleasers.  They place the needs & desires of others before their own, constantly seeking approval & acceptance.  People pleasing is exhausting & detrimental to their well being, as they prioritize others at the expense of their own needs & happiness.

Neglected children often believe that by constantly putting others ahead of themselves, they can secure the love & attention they crave.  However, this behavior perpetuates the cycle of neglect by reinforcing their belief that their own needs are unimportant.

Growing up neglected almost always leads children to develop a fierce sense of independence.  They learn to rely solely on themselves, because seeking help or support was met with indifference or rejection in the past.  This independence can manifest in various ways, from taking on excessive responsibilities to avoiding vulnerability & emotional connection.

Neglected children struggle to ask for help when they truly need it, fearing that they will be seen as a burden or that they will be met with rejection.  They feel deeply uncomfortable & vulnerable when they have to rely on others

Lastly, neglected children often develop a pattern of overachieving.  They strive for perfection & push themselves to excel in various aspects of their lives, whether it be academics, career, or personal achievements.  This overachieving mentality is fueled by their desperate desire to prove their worth, even if only to themselves, & escape the constant feelings of inadequacy that haunt them.

Children who grow up feeling neglected face a myriad of challenges, & the behaviors they develop as a result can have a lasting impact on their lives.  Understanding & empathy are crucial in supporting them as they work to overcome the unhealthy effects of their childhood. 

Validation For My Younger Readers And Followers

I have noticed in the recent past that my writing has gotten a surprising amount of attention from those who are in their teen years into their mid twenties. Today I thought I’d share some things that might have helped me when I was that age & I hope help those of my younger listeners.

Saying “no” isn’t always a sign of a child disrespecting their parents. Sometimes, it simply means the child has a different opinion or is unable at the moment to do something their parents ask them to do. Typically abusive parents are very quick to jump to bad conclusions when their children say no to them, even when there is no reason for the bad conclusions. If this was your situation with your parents, remember, saying “no” isn’t necessarily a bad thing! It’s a boundary, & boundaries aren’t bad!

Not everyone is a social butterfly. When a child wants to spend time alone in their room, it isn’t necessarily a sign that child is sad or hiding something. As adults on their own, the equivalent is not everyone wants to spend lots of time with their family. Neither is a slight towards their family. It simply means that they need a little time to themselves or they have other things that need their attention. There is nothing wrong with this! You are OK for wanting to spend some time away from your family, no matter your age!

Parents shouldn’t tell their children how they believe they feel or think. While they may know their children well, that doesn’t mean they know everything. It’s not right to assume things about anyone, especially bad things about their own children. It’s very discouraging to the children, no matter their age! It also damages or even destroys a child’s ability to think for themselves. Your parents don’t know everything about you. You know you better! Or if you don’t feel you do, then get to know the real you. It’s a healthy thing to do!

No matter a child’s age, having their parents tell them positive & encouraging things is very uplifting. Depriving a child of those things is extremely discouraging & makes the child feel unloved. Even if it isn’t done with a malicious intent just thoughtlessness, it still hurts children. It’s normal for children to be hurt when deprived of encouragement, even if they aren’t actively discouraged. It is possible though to be satisfied with encouraging yourself. Self encouragement & validation is so important! Do these things & do them often!

When parents argue, it affects their children, no matter their children’s age. There is no good reason to drag children into parental fights! It’s perfectly fine for children to know their parents disagree & argue sometimes, but it is NOT fine to get their children involved by fighting in front of them. I grew up this way & can tell you from personal experience the only thing this does to a child is make them miserable. If at all possible, avoid your fighting parents. If not, refuse to get involved as much as you can. Let them work things out without your help.

Similarly, talking badly about the other parent to the child is a horrible thing to do! It is very upsetting to a child. Parents should talk about matters like this to their friends or family, not their children! It may make them feel better but it hurts their child. If you’re a child in this situation, my heart goes out to you! Try changing the subject when your parent behaves this way, or leave the room or hang up the phone.

Parents never should ask their children to choose sides when they argue or divorce. Ever! It’s cruel to make any child feel that they must choose one parent over the other. If you’re angry about your parents doing this to you, you have every right to be! Process your anger. Talk to someone safe about it, journal, pray.. do what helps you to deal with that anger, but don’t hold it in. That is so bad for your mental & physical health!

Also remember, just because you may be young doesn’t mean you have to tolerate toxic behavior. Distance yourself from it as best you can. Learn about setting healthy boundaries. If your parent is abusive, protect yourself & ask for help doing so if you live with that parent. Take care of yourself. I’m praying for you!

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When Your Value Is Tied To What You Do

When you grow up with a narcissistic parent or two, you learn early in life that you only have value, you only matter, when you are doing something that pleases your parent.  Their love is so conditional that it is tied directly to what you can do for them.  You could invent the cure for cancer, but if your parent didn’t have cancer, that parent wouldn’t be impressed.  Or maybe they would but only because it earned you fame & fortune, which means they would think that reflects well on them.

One of the many problems with this is people who grow up this way think that what they do is directly tied to their significance.  If they aren’t doing something worthwhile or productive, they don’t think they matter.  This is why so many adult children of narcissistic parents turn into workaholics or at least must be busy constantly.  It is such a dysfunctional way to live, yet no child of narcissists is immune to this potentially being a problem in their life.

Growing up my mother often said I was lazy, so that added to this mentality of what I do gives me value.  As a result, I always have felt humiliated when people think I’m lazy.  And, it happens all too often.  People working at home are often viewed as lazy, & being an author is often perceived as an easy job that anyone can do, even lazy people.  I have had to find ways to reject that old mindset that doing the right things is what gives me value, & I hope what I share helps those of you struggling with this as it has me.  I can’t say I am completely free of that mindset at this moment, but I have improved a lot.

The most important thing I have learned was that it’s what God thinks about me that matters, not what people think.  John 15:16 in the Amplified Bible says, “You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you and I have appointed and placed and purposefully planted you, so that you would go and bear fruit and keep on bearing, and that your fruit will remain and be lasting, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name [as My representative] He may give to you.”  God has chosen you & given you a purpose!!  Isn’t that amazing?!  Clearly, He believes that you have value or else He wouldn’t have chosen you.  And, notice He chose you comes before what He says about giving you a purpose. This tells me the purpose, although a wonderful thing, isn’t as important as knowing that He has chosen you.

The first half of Isaiah 49:16 says, “Indeed, I have inscribed [a picture of] you on the palms of My hands;” Did you notice this verse doesn’t say something like, “I have inscribed a picture of those of you who work hard on the palms of My hands”?  No.  Because God values you no matter what you do or don’t do.  Naturally, He wants you to work the calling He placed on your life, but even if you did nothing with it, He still would love you.

Lastly, I want you to think about someone you love for a moment.  Your spouse, child, close friend or relative.  Would you love this person any less, think they have less value, if they weren’t constantly busy?  Chances are that wouldn’t happen.  So why would you feel this way about yourself?  Don’t let the dysfunctional thinking of other people make you think less of yourself or live an out of balance, unhealthy lifestyle.  Enjoy your life, secure in the knowledge that no matter what you do or don’t do, you always are valuable.

What Honoring Parents Is NOT

Many people are under the mistaken belief that if a person claims to be a Christian, they must blindly obey their parents, no matter what.  Narcissistic parents in particular want their children to believe this.  These people fail to realize this isn’t what Biblical honor means.

To honor someone means to give them respect.  Respect is all that is necessary for honoring.  Even the most dishonorable parent can be given the simple respect of their position in your life by acknowledging their position as your parents, being civil to them & not using or abusing them.  This is what God says parents deserve, whether they are good or bad, & as Christians, this is what we should do.

When you have good, loving parents, naturally you will want to do that & even more to show your love & appreciation for them.  When you have abusive parents however, just as naturally, you won’t want to do more for them, & that is ok!  So long as you show your parents those simple displays of respect, you are honoring them!

Also, Christians are commanded to love others as ourselves according to Mark 12:31.  If you know anything about what the Bible has to say on the topic of love, it is clearly nothing like what many people think it is.  Godly love isn’t about obedience & enabling bad behavior.  It is about doing what is best for people, even when that is difficult & even when they think what you’re doing is a mistake.

Honoring parents also doesn’t mean putting them above God in your life.  God comes first, period!  Proverbs 3:6 in the Living Bible says, “In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success.”  It’s pretty obvious that He must come first!

Narcissistic parents often want their children (no matter their age) to do things that go against the children’s beliefs or morals.  For Christians, doing such things would be a huge mistake!  Acts 5:29 in the New International Version says, “Peter and the other apostles replied: “We must obey God rather than human beings!”  No one, not even parents, should be obeyed before God!  Another verse to prove this is Matthew 6:24, also in the New International Version: “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

While I never tell people “just go no contact” because each situation is unique, I do want to include some information on that topic for those who either have gone no contact or are considering no contact with their narcissistic parents.  Sometimes the most honorable thing you can do is to walk away from abusive parents.  Years ago, I was seriously considering going no contact with my parents long before I actually did it.  I was conflicted though, because I felt that couldn’t be honoring them.  One of the things God spoke to me at that time was sometimes walking away is the most honorable thing you can do.  It provides consequences for bad behavior, which are meant to teach a lesson.  Granted, that doesn’t usually work with narcissists, but that is the way things are supposed to work.  And, even if they don’t learn from the consequences, by giving them, you are still doing things God’s way, because you are trying to help your parents learn that they need to improve their behavior.  You also are removing an opportunity for your parents to sin when you eliminate them from your life.  Without you around to abuse, they will sin less simply because they haven’t got the opportunity to abuse you. 

Don’t let anyone convince you that you aren’t honoring your parents if you aren’t doing things exactly their way.  Consider what I have said on the topic, read your Bible & pray about the topic for yourself.  I wish you the best!

Emotions & Victims Of Narcissistic Parents

As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I know firsthand the toll it can take on one’s emotional well-being.  Growing up, I was constantly told that my emotions were wrong & shamed for my feelings, especially when they were different than my mother’s.  As a result, I naturally learned to keep my feelings hidden & appear calm, cool & collected at all times.  While this was a useful survival skill back then, it’s a habit that is hard to break as an adult.  Today I hope to help victims of narcissistic parents learn how narcissistic abuse affects victims’ emotional lives & why it’s important to acknowledge & validate their feelings.

Narcissistic abuse is a form of psychological trauma that can leave lasting scars on survivors.  Its pattern of manipulation, gaslighting, & control leaves victims feeling powerless & confused.  For children of narcissistic parents, this usually means growing up in a constant state of anxiety & fear.  They never know when their parent will lash out or criticize them, so they learn to be hyper-vigilant, in other words always on guard.  This chronic stress can lead to a range of emotional & physical symptoms, including depression, anxiety, & C-PTSD.

One of the ways that narcissistic abuse affects victims’ emotions is by making them hypersensitive to criticism & rejection.  They learned early on that their parent’s love & approval were conditional on their behavior & achievements.  As a result, they may feel like they’re never good enough & constantly seek validation from others.  At the same time, they fear rejection & avoid conflict at all costs.  This makes it hard for them to form healthy relationships & speak up for themselves.

Another way that narcissistic abuse affects victims’ emotions is by making them feel guilty for their own feelings.  Children of narcissistic parents are often told that their emotions are wrong or that they’re being “too sensitive.”  This usually leads to a pattern of self-doubt & self-criticism, where they blame themselves for their parent’s behavior & try to change themselves to avoid further abuse.  They also struggle with expressing their emotions in a healthy way, as they’ve learned early in life that vulnerability is dangerous.

For all victims of narcissistic abuse, one of the most important steps in healing is learning to validate their own emotions.  This means acknowledging that their feelings are real & valid, even if they don’t always make sense or seem logical at the moment.  It also means learning to express their emotions in a healthy way & developing healthy boundaries with people who don’t respect them.

To accomplish this, I’ve learned prayer to be invaluable.  God has provided me with wisdom & strength to do as I need.  One helpful thing He showed me was to look at my emotions from purely logical perspective.  I ask myself questions like is this emotion reasonable in this situation?  If I struggle to figure that out, I ask myself if a close friend came to me feeling as I do after experiencing what I have, would I think that friend is overreacting or reasonable?  Sometimes looking at situations as if they were happening to someone else can give you a much clearer perspective.  And, if you still are struggling, try writing down the situation & your emotions.  Writing is a phenomenal tool for helping to bring clarity so use it freely!  I keep a journal & have found it tremendously helpful in many ways, including learning to validate myself & my emotions.

Practice expressing your emotions with safe, honest, non judgmental people, too.  As hard as it can be at first, tell safe people how you feel & ask them for feedback.  This can help you to get better at expressing your emotions.

Learning to recognize & express your emotions is tough, but worth it.  You may never get completely comfortable with it, but at the very least, you can heal to the point of being able to recognize & express your emotions in healthy ways.  Although those are useful survival skills around narcissists, stifling them long term is so unhealthy & miserable, & you don’t deserve to live that way!

When Trauma Affects You Long After The Events Are Over

One very important thing I’ve learned about experiencing repeated traumas is something that’s never discussed.  It’s about how when you go through trauma after trauma, you don’t have the time to heal, so eventually it resurfaces, & often many years after the fact.  This is absolutely NORMAL!  Yet, many people tell those experiencing this that something is wrong with them, they’re living in the past or they need to get over it because that was such a long time ago.

If you’re going through this, this information is for you.

When you’re in a situation where you experience repeated traumas, your mind has no choice but to kick in to survival mode.  Survival mode is when you are faced with not knowing what will set an abuser off, so you become hyper-vigilant.  This means you become extremely aware of your surroundings & the emotional state of those around you in an attempt to prevent any abuse before it starts.  This takes over your awareness of your own needs, wants & feelings.  Survival mode is a very helpful way of thinking that helps you to survive traumatic situations.

Once the relationship with your abuser ends, that doesn’t mean survival mode is over & you automatically return to normal.  Survival mode usually continues for quite some time after the abuse is over.  It can last a few weeks, months or even years.  Eventually though, it does stop or at the very least, lets up a great deal.  As great as that is, it doesn’t mean you are ok.

After survival mode ends, it’s as if your brain decides that now is the time to deal with the trauma & it forces you to do this.  This is often when you start having nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts & memories. 

This time can be incredibly painful.  It can make you feel like you’re crazy.  After all, the abuse is done, you survived, so why now after all this time are you having these nightmares, flashbacks, etc.?  There are three reasons for this.

Reason #1: when you were in the abusive situation, there wasn’t time to process your trauma & survive.  Trauma happened over & over.  You didn’t have sufficient time to process one trauma when another happened, then another & another. 

Reason #2: surviving the situation is top priority during abusive relationships.  All of your focus had to be on surviving, not how you felt about that.

Reason #3: emotions demand to be felt.  If they can’t be felt at the time, they don’t simply vanish.  They wait until a time that the environment feels safe to manifest.  If you don’t deal with them in a healthy way, they’ll still manifest somehow.

If it’s been a while since the last trauma, yet suddenly you’re faced with a flood of emotions & pain related to it, I want to assure you that you’re not crazy.  You are in fact quite normal!  Your response is normal to a very abnormal situation.  I firmly believe that people who don’t react this way to situations like this are the ones with the problems.  How can a person not be affected by trauma?!  That is what is abnormal!  Being damaged by trauma is very normal.

Rather than ignoring the emotions, nightmares, etc. you’re experiencing, it’s time to deal with them.  Ignoring them only makes things worse.  It’s much like having a stomach bug.  As yukky as vomiting is, if you can, it helps you to get better.  If you don’t, the bug has to go through your system & drags out how long it takes you to get better.  Dealing with what you’re experiencing is yukky too but it really will help you heal.  So pray, journal, talk to someone safe… do whatever helps you to process your pain.  You will survive this & you will be ok!

About “The Good Kids”

When I was growing up, I never really dreaded parent teacher conferences.  I knew my teachers always would tell my mother the same things.  I was smart, I learned quickly, I did my work without complaint, I never caused any trouble, but I was too shy.  I needed to participate more.  Other than that, I was a “good kid.”

My mother’s friends’ kids got into trouble sometimes, but I never did.  They thought I was a “good kid” like my teachers did.

As a painfully shy kid, this worked for me.  I didn’t have any desire to stand out.  I wanted to blend into the background quietly & even more importantly, never upset my parents.  Being a “good kid” seemed to be a very good thing for not only me, but my parents, teachers & every adult in my life.

As an adult however, I realized something.  Being a “good kid” meant that I did whatever I was told to do, communicated no needs or feelings & basically didn’t bother anyone with my existence.  Suddenly, being a “good kid” didn’t seem so good anymore.

Being this way was a sign that things in my life weren’t so good.  I wasn’t well behaved out of respect for others or because I was taught good things.  I was well behaved for much more dysfunctional reasons. 

I was afraid of facing disappointment &/or rage of adults, in particular my parents, so not getting into trouble was one way to do that.  I also hated feeling like a burden, which is how I felt when I expressed needs to my parents. This taught me early in life not to talk about my needs or feelings as much as humanly possible. 

I also was an extremely anxious child.  This anxiety led to me being terrified of things that don’t upset most normal children.  Talking in front of my class was one of those things.  That is why I wouldn’t volunteer to answer questions, read aloud or other things.  I was terrified of being wrong & looking foolish.  Being raised by narcissistic parents, I naturally thought other people’s opinions of me were incredibly important.  Looking foolish wasn’t an option!

And, as a child of narcissistic parents, I also learned the survival skill of becoming whoever I was told to be.  My parents had no mental capability to deal with a child who got into trouble.  If I had gotten into trouble, they wouldn’t have known what to do with me.  They were unpredictable so it was much better to stay out of trouble as much as possible. 

My behavior was very typical of children raised by narcissistic parents. 

The reason I’m sharing this with you is that I want you to know two things. 

First, if this behavior describes you as a child, you aren’t alone.  So many of us were “good kids.”  It was wrong to be forced to be that way.  Not that I’m saying we should have been troublemakers of course, but we shouldn’t have been terrified into being well behaved either.  It’s not right & you have every right to be angry about that!

Second, if you know any “good kids,” please check on them.  They may be so good because they too are terrified of being anything else.  They may be abused at home.  Check on those “good kids.”  Let them know that they can talk to you anytime, & that you are on their side.